I Don't Have Dave

It doesn't matter where I go, what I do or how much sleep I get because when I am awake, my thoughts are with Dave and nothing and no one can bring him back to me.  There are days when I can be positive and there are days when I wonder why I have to go through this hurt, this pain, this widowhood thing.  Everyone assures me that the pain will lessen with time and I know that's true but in the meantime, what am I supposed to do with these tears?

It's hard when there is nothing no one can do or say to help and you don't want to make them feel bad or awkward so you hide away.  It's not bad either to hide away and since grief is a process, it's all part and parcel, I suppose.

The thing is I try not to cry and then that makes me cry more because I remember why I feel so sad.

I guess I just have to put it down to 'one of those days'.

I drove aimlessly today although I ended up at a shopping centre and while I was still in the carpark, I called Dan and Rhonda, just to hear their voice.  But today I kept thinking about how life has gone on for everyone else and although they miss Dave, they have a home, a family, some stability and their life is as it has been. 

I have no job.
I have no home.
I have no 'security'.

But most of all, I don't have Dave.

Being A Part of Dave's Family

I was talking to my friend, Sonya today when we talked about me being a part of Dave's family.  I miss them so much and sometimes I wonder if they fully comprehend just how much I belong to them.  I acknowledged to her that Dave is so much a part of who I am today and therefore his family is mine, too.  Sonya replied, "Yes - and you can't set aside your "Flowers" side. It would be like amputating a limb or something" and I said more accurately, "Or taking out my heart" and if you know me or have gotten to know me through my 'journey', then you will know that what I say is true.

I'm chatting to Dave's brother, Bob while I write this and in reply to his comment that I am part of their family, loved by each of them and prayed for daily, I said, "I miss everyone so much and feel so far away from you all.  I love you all so much and yes, I miss Dave like crazy.  Death is so final and I'm crazily in love with him and yet he's out of reach."  The times I chat with them on Skype, on the phone or in emails, just makes me miss them more, but it's good too.  It's bittersweet because it's because of love and being family that it hurts to miss them.

Anyway, I was also discussing with my friend Wendy today about some of the 'minor' changes that have happened to me because of my time in the States.  Simple vocabulary things like:

Purse = Handbag.  When I was in the States, I kept calling the 'purse' a handbag, now that I'm back in Australia, I keep calling my handbag a purse.

Gas = Petrol   I keep saying that I need to get gas.  On a side note, I'd forgotten that here, we pay AFTER we fill it up and we go inside to pay, not on the bowser outside.  Also, the petrol cap is not attached to the car so, I have to remember to put it back on before I drive off.

Driving on the other side of the road - When I first started driving on the right hand side of the road, I had to concentrate especially when turning left, and look forward to see where the lane was that I was driving into.  Now, when I am going to my car, I have to quickly look inside the car to see what side the steering wheel is on to make sure I go to the right side of the car.

Miles vs Kilometres - When Nathan and I were test driving cars, I kept checking to see how many miles it had done and Nathan kept reminding me that "we use 'kilometres', mum."

Mobile Phone= Cell Phone - Often catch myself saying "cell phone" instead of mobile phone.  At least it's quicker to write/type cell phone than the other way.

Clothes/Prices - When I first walked into a store (shop - I am still finding it hard to say shop instead of store), I was dismayed by the prices of clothes and the quality of the clothing for those prices.  I had forgotten the difference.

These are just a few of the things I am having to readjust to again.  It just surprises me when I catch myself rethinking things that I thought were second nature to me.  One time when Dave and I were driving, he got upset at me because I had gotten the number of the address wrong. (I hadn't - he had misheard) and I went quiet rather than argue with him.  A few minutes later, he apologised and said that he forgets that not everything that is second nature to him, is like that for me and that I've had to make changes that he isn't aware of. 

So many thoughts I have and right now the season is for me to wait and be patient and take a step at a time.  It's the season for me to grieve but also for me to figure out who I am, what my priorities are now and what kind of life I am going to live.  All too soon I will get busy again when I have a job so I need to be able to just use this time to reflect, refresh and heal.  I sometimes try to jump ahead and find out something way down the track but I have to be content with what is now.  Like I read today, "Can I, in my circumstances, "hope in the Lord"? Can I wait in faith and patience without fretting and without questioning God's wisdom? Can I trust Him while He  works in me His good, acceptable and perfect will?.....  I am unable to undertand all that God is doing in me and it is impossible to try."

Today I went driving with one of my good friends (I am very blessed to have quite a few) and I was able to take more photos of the beach.  It will be so nice when I finally get an SLR camera. 

P.S.  If some of my blog posts seem repetitive, maybe it's just because it's constantly on my mind or something... No apology from me. :)

My Dave

To love so much that though he's not with me
My thoughts are of him and I wish he was here.
There are no words to describe the longing I have for him
To be able to share with him, hear his voice, see his smile
Feel his arms around me, holding me tight.

When I see photos of him, I remember how he felt
His large hands holding mine, or resting on my shoulders
I see his eyes looking back at me
The smile that was only for me, for this moment

His walk, the way he drove, his humour
His love, his generosity and even his gruffness
His morning habit of grinding the coffee,
Microwaving the cold coffee and leaving half full mugs
Of coffee in each and every room.

The way he would play games on Facebook,
Trying to make me 'first' for each game scoreboard
Standing by me, encouraging me to 'win'
Telling me to finish off word games
When they got too hard for him.

His arguments about governments and politics
His teasing ways
The way he would wipe a tear from his eye
When he told me of pain that he has felt.

Heating up a double chocolate chip muffin from Costco
To thaw  it out for his breakfast in the truck
Making his Grey Poupon, ham and cheese sandwiches
Finding a banana that was still good enough to  put in his lunchbox

Giving him his pill and vitamin tablet
Joking about how when he is old,
I'll still be giving him his tablets
Sitting beside him while he watched TV
His arm around me
And I am content as his wife.

Little things that didn't mean so much back then
All I knew is that I wanted to make lots of memories
Wanted to be his "excellent wife",
Wanted to please him and make him proud
Wanted to spend lots more years
With my husband, Dave.

My Dave.
My lover, my best friend, the man I wanted to grow old with.
Now gone from this earth
Leaving me here to go forward without him.

My Dave.

What's To Become of Me?

I've been thinking about my recent conversations with my son, Nathan and close friends and some statements I have made that I am going to do and be myself without apology and if I want to do something new, then I will.  As I was packing up my things at home in order to come back to Australia, I realised that I had made a lot of changes in my short life in the States and while I had done a lot of new things that I enjoyed, I had also put behind me, some things that I enjoyed in Australia.  Well, at home in Reardan, there were no squash courts nearby and no heated swimming pool around the corner either.  The bike hanging up in the 'shop was dirty and had cobwebs on it and really, there wasn't any bike tracks either.  So as I  move forward in life, I have to unpack the stuff that is important to me and who I am.

I was talking to Mom and Dad (Dave's parents) on Skype and Mom said, "When you have moved on in your life, if you ever forget us, I will still have your blog posts."  I asked Mom if she really thought that I would ever forget my life there and the family and friends who are still such a part of my life.  The fact is, when I look over my life even the last 10+ years, I see how much Dave has been a part of it.  Even when we were only friends, he still influenced me in my thinking and my decisions.  He encouraged me to be more confident in what I believe and to know why I believed what I did.  Who I have become, even today, has been impacted by Dave and my time in the States and I have grown because of the challenges and changes I dealt with while I was married to Dave.

I told Nathan that while I was in the States, I had the life that I wanted but unfortunately, because Dave worked long hours, I didn't get to share it with him as much as I wanted.  I loved riding my horse, I loved living out in the country and the wide open spaces and I would have loved to have gone camping with Dave.  Now that I am on my own, I am not prepared to settle for 'less', or to have/be second best.  If I want to go to a tractor pull, then why not if I can?  As I was driving home yesterday, I thought that now I need to see if all I have thought and said, is going to happen.  Am I going to move forward or am I going to get stuck in the rut of the same ol' same ol'?

Partly one of the reasons I went driving after the interview on Wednesday was because of who I am.  I enjoy driving, (especially with my new car) I love the beach and I love the Great Ocean Road.  So why not?  The scenery was so beautiful which also reminded me that I want to do more 'professional' photography. 

Dave and I had discussed me getting an SLR camera over the last year or so because, as I told him, "To be involved in the fairs, I don't enjoy baking, vegetable garden or quilting but I can do photography."  He laughed but he agreed that it was something to think about.

Anyway, let's see who I continue to become.  I haven't heard yet about that job.  It would have been nice to know since this is the long weekend coming up, but at the same time, I realise that it is in the Lord's hands and He knows what I need, so if I don't know, then at this moment, I don't 'need' to know.

As I drove home, I had my CD on, hoping to hear a song but I couldn't remember what CD it was on.  Anyway, finally tired of my music, I turned on the radio and the song I was wanting to hear came on so I turned it up loudly to sing along with it.  I got part way through the song and couldn't sing anymore... Sometimes I cry at the most unexpected times - it can be quite inconvenient.

This is some of the words to the song:

But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light (light)
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight

You got the music in you
Don't let go
You got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give

The Great Ocean Road

I'm sitting in a motel room, listening to the ocean waves crashing outside.   The sun was setting, as I sat in my car eating fish, scallops, a pineapple fritter, and watching the waves flirt with the sand.  It was a little cool when I got out of the car to take photos.  I was standing in the car park with the wind blowing on my face and in my hair and when I could resist no longer, I ran down to the sand and almost to the water's edge.  Tomorrow I have plans to spend a good amount of time at the beach.  When I got back in the car, I noticed that there was sand on the driver's side floor.  I was delighted to find the sand in my otherwise clean car!

I love the beach.  Not necessarily to swim in, but just to be there.  I love the sound of the powerful waves crashing, I love the smell of the salty, fresh air and I love how the ocean just keeps on going, without end.  It all reminds me of the total power and awesomeness of God.  Despite how big and powerful the ocean is, how full of animals and life, despite the many grains of sand, the rockpools and bushes alongside the shore, our Creator God loves us and considers us valuable.

My friend Donna told me about a Christian school that needed a teacher and I went for an interview today.  She asked me how I felt about it and I had to be honest:

"I like the school.  I guess, to be honest, I find it hard to be 'confident' or look forward to anything these days because of what's happened to me over the last few months.  I want it to be good but my plans haven't turned out how I have wanted in a long time."

Like Dave used to say. "All plans are subject to change." and boy, haven't I learnt that over the last few months?!

She encouraged me to read Jeremiah 29:11.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that His plans are best and good for me.  In a sense, I guess the thing is that even though I am not full of hope about my plans or even this job, I put it in His hands because He has plans to proper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope.  The area the school is in has the beach nearby, farms, city and country life.  It  would be a perfect place for me to start all over again...

At the interview, they asked me, "What makes you get up every morning?" and I replied, "The knowledge that I have to.  I know that God has a purpose for my life, has given me gifts, talents and interests and that I need to honour Him with my life".  I believe that.  The thing is, it is tempting to stay in bed, to hide away from everyone and everything but I know that's not reality and I know that isn't a healthy choice.

While I drove along the Great Ocean Road this evening, I thought about how wonderful it would be to have Dave alongside me, sharing with him the beautiful views, sharing with him my 'new' life.  Sometimes it seems that every step forward is a step further away from him... and that I don't like!!! But it is what it is and the 2nd part of John 10:10 says, "I have come that they might have life and have it to the full."

I am so thankful that God has put many amazing, special people in my life and that He has opened my eyes to the beauty that was created and formed by Him just saying the word. It is very good!

My Place In This World

I was hanging the washing out on the line, the sun shining and although it's still a little cool, there's a breeze so the clothes should dry fairly quickly.  As I hung them out, I thought about how 18 or so months ago, I had had my photo taken of me hanging out the clothes because I thought that would be the last time I'd ever have to do that chore.  Dave had told me many times that there's no point in having a clothesline at our home because it's too dusty and it takes up unnecessary time. 

Sometimes life just seems so unfair!!!  Here I am in Australia, without Dave.  Right now I really need to talk to him, to get his perspective on things, to find out what he would be doing/saying and yet, he's not here and I have to make decisions without his input.  I don't want to come across as 'whiney' but the fact is, it's hard to convey not only how much it hurts but how it impacts on me, my life, my emotions and my choices.  I know who Dave is and I know what he would say and even do but he's not here.

Yesterday I heard Michael W Smith singing the song, "My Place In This World":

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world

My place in this world

That song expresses it so accurately for me.  I'm trying to find a place where I belong, a place where I can start afresh without Dave, moving on, looking for a reason to even want to belong somewhere.  At times I am hopeful but then I remember the hope Dave and I shared to continue our life together for more years to come.  Looking for a reason.... 

On the other hand, there are some positive steps forward. 

I picked up my 'new' car yesterday.  It's a 2002 Toyota Rav 4 Edge with low kms, AWD and plenty of space to throw in my bike and a backpack and head for the beach, the hills, or wherever I want to go.

Tomorrow I have a job interview for teaching at a Christian school.  (Wednesday, 5:15pm for Aussies and Tues. 11:15pm PST in the USA)  I would really like this job and think I am a good 'fit' for it so please feel free to pray for me and pray that whatever happens I will remember that God does have a purpose and plan for my life.  Today I'm going to prepare a 'portfolio' of my teaching experience and initiatives, with photos, so that I'll be able to hand them something visual and concrete.  I know that when I do have a job, even though I wouldn't be starting until 2012, I would be able to feel a lot more settled here and at least have a direction in which to move forward.

Since there are so many things I don't have control over, that do affect my life, I'll just have to keep trusting God and leaning on Him to get me through this time.

Good Views, Good Friends

Someone commented on one of my photos that I put on Facebook:
"Beautiful!!! God is so good to give us gifts of beauty to aid us through our journies through grief."

I've been reminded of that today as my friend Karen decided I needed a change of scenery so we hopped (not literally) into her car and drove off towards the horizon.  It was a beautiful day with blue skies and plenty of sunshine. 

Our first photo opportunity was when we drove into Kilcunda.  There is always a beautiful view at the edge of the cliff and today was no exception.  I'm thinking of even enlarging this one and having it framed.

We stopped at the chocolate factory and I enjoyed an iced chocolate and Karen had a latte.  We chatted about our friendship, life in general and recognised how blessed we are in the friends we have been given/chosen.  

Staying at Karen's home has been a respite and a refuge.  The hospitality of her family has been kind and thoughtful.  They give without rationning their kindness and all of them treat me as though I am valued and loved.   Oh, and in the gift store, I saw a Tshirt that said, "Uniquely sweet" and I thought of buying it for myself.  Only now that I've given it some more thought, perhaps it would be a good gift to give one of my uniquely sweet friends!

We looked out for koalas and only spotted a dead kangaroo on the side of the road, with its legs sticking up in the air.  We went into the township of Phillip Island and looked through a few stores that I will return to next week, when I have my purse with me and can do some Christmas shopping.

As I walked along the stone bridge towards the ocean, I wondered if that is something, someone my age should do.  Is there an age limit for climbing trees and walking on walls?  As we drove home along the coast road, we admired the ocean views, commented on the bulls, cows and sheep in the paddocks, and I discussed with Karen some of the ideas I was having that would give me 'something to do' this week. 

Of course, how much I get done will be largely determined by how much driving I don't get done.  I am so excited to be picking up my new car tomorrow.  I enjoy driving and having my own car just means that the horizon is the limit.  Driving around the coastal roads, driving over hills and bends of lush, green paddocks, cruising along in my dark green Rav4 is going to be fun.  I said to Karen that I'll be able to park my car in the bush and be camoflaged so that no one will know that I am there.  

As my friend Jamie said, "Our good Lord is an amazing painter and decorator. Such a great gift he has given to our eyes."  I am so thankful that I am able to enjoy such beauty and no matter what side of the world I'm on, there are places to walk, drive, swim or climb. 

"Life's not the breath you take,
It's the moments that take your breath away!"

 

In The Middle of the Night

It’s the middle of the night, dark and cool and my music is playing in the background.  I’m all alone and that’s when thoughts, memories, and grief envelop me; Images of Dave sitting up in the stretcher in the back of the ambulance, his eyes meeting mine. What is he trying to say to me?  What does he know?  Is he trying to draw strength and courage from me? Is he trying to tell me he loves me? Is he scared?  Does he know this will be the last time we will see each other on this earth?  If I had have known that would be the last time, I would have jumped up on that ambulance, told him I loved him again and again and probably not have let go of him until they forcibly removed me from his arms.

They say, God gives you the desires of your heart and I cry out, ”Why, then, isn’t Dave with me now???”  I look around me and couples everywhere are holding hands, looking at each other with love in their eyes.  I miss him.  I miss not being loved by him.  Song playing in the background, “I need your loving like the sun shine”.  Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be one of the ‘lucky ones’ who are loved by their beloved now, on this earth.  (The name David means ‘beloved.’)

I don’t know how to stop crying.  I know that it’s OK to cry but I sob and cry and try wiping the tears away with my hands.  Nobody can imagine how much this hurts!  During the day, with people around, busyness etc., it’s a lot easier to get distracted and not think about this pain. It’s also ‘easier’ on such wonderful, kind, loving family and friends who are doing their best to help ease the burden. But at night, all alone, I allow myself to grieve and cry.  This is my journey and though others can love me, they can’t take away the knowledge and pain of not having Dave here with me.

Saying live with no excuses,
And love with no regrets.
... Laugh a lot
Leave this life with nothing left unsaid
Make this world a better place
And don't be afraid to cry,
So when it's finally time to say goodbye
You've nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide

I don't have regrets.  I left what I could behind in Australia and came to Dave, giving him everything and loving him with my whole  heart.

I think about him in Heaven.  I think about him enjoying the love of God, the new body, no sorrow, sin, no tears and then I wonder, if that is what Heaven is, enjoying the fellowship of Jesus, then he won’t be concerned with the things of earth.  He’ll be enjoying himself and have no thought of me and won’t even be missing me.  While I am happy for him, I am sad for me.

I am all alone, without Dave, and the tears keep streaming down, the sobs keep coming out and my heart is breaking all over again.

Another love song plays.  “Wherever you go, tell me because I’m gonna go…. We’ve found love… Life is a rollercoaster.  You just gotta ride it.  I need you… Can’t you feel my heart? Can’t you take my heart?”

Oh Dave.

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want

Is to hold you  tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

Oh yeah, more time would have been so good!

But morning has come, the rain and tears have stopped, the birds are singing and it's another day to face, another day to get through, another step forward.

Waves

Sometimes I feel like I am on a boat that's being tossed about on the ocean.  When I am riding the waves high, the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, it feels good to be alive but when there are the moments when the boat is diving into the deep, swirling sea, I hold on, hoping I won't drown, wondering what the next wave will be like.

An example of a high wave: I bought myself a car that I pick up on Monday.  It's a Toyota Rav 4, 2002 with only 53,000kms on it.  About 5 years ago, when I first spotted a Rav 4, I wanted to have it but since I already had a decent car, I didn't get it.  I am very excited to be getting an AWD Rav 4.  I did think about getting a Ute, like a Navaro or Colorado and then I was going to settle for a hatchback that I could throw my bike in but the hatchback was too small, the sedan wasn't easy to throw my bike in and the ute was out of my price range.  The Rav is just right!!!!

Today, Nathan, Melanie and I went to a few stores in this small country town.  I saw Tony who commented that he hadn't seen me in a while and asked where I had been.  Being an acquaintance I replied, "Living in the States".  "Half yer luck, what were you doin' there?"  "Teaching, riding horses...."  "That would have been interesting!"  I kept walking.  Said hi to Heather who knew a bit more information about me but when she asked if I was just here for a vacation, I had to let her know that Dave had passed away.  I saw Wendy M who already knew and was just happy to see me, then got 'swamped' by the Wilson kids who are about my age. Got hugged and invited back to their dad's 82nd birthday party so went home, spent some time with Karen and Mikaela after Nathan and Melanie had gone, then walked around to the Wilson's. 

On my way there, I was thinking about things, as I do and thought about if it was any other family, I wouldn't be dropping in.  I again thought about how much I wish Dave was here so I could share all this with him and then had to distract myself from getting all teary and upset.  They were all so happy to see me and as usual, I felt right at home.  The boys treat me like their kid sister as they always have done and Jill and I are similar in so many ways.  When Michael playfully punched me in the arm and I complained to his mum, she replied, "You're big enough to look after yourself!"  On my way home it began raining but it was only a few drops.

There are so many people in my life, so many good friends who are kind and thoughtful and who accept me and love me for who I am.   When I was walking through town the other day, I was at times, furtively looking around to see if any of the 'gossipers' were around, then realised that I have nothing to be ashamed of and gossipers are going to be in any small town but they are the minority. 

Every night when I lie in bed alone, I think about Dave and think about how nice it used to be to sleep in his arms, listen to him snoring beside me and just feel him next to me.  Every morning when I wake up alone, I wonder what the day is going to hold and even wonder why I bother getting up.  I get up because I know I have to and because I know if I don't, there are family and friends who will make sure I do because they love me.  I am thankful that God has given me the kind of friends and family who do all they can to help me through this time.  I am thankful for their love and kindness. 

I am thankful but even so, I wish I wasn't alone and wasn't having to share my 'story' about being widowed.  I wish Dave and I could go riding and camping together and make lots more memories together.  But see now? I am diving down into the wave and I need to take hold of one of those life buoys/rings and rise to the surface.  It doesn't matter if I don't make it to the top of the wave right now, but I do need to make sure I don't get sucked down so far that I can't find my way back up to the surface again.

Mark Lowry sings a great song called, "Nothing to Prove"

".....Said it's OK to make mistakes, just don't get stuck in yesterday.

Forgive, forget and move ahead, cause life is what you make of it.

"Saying live with no excuses,

And love with no regrets.

Laugh a lot

Leave this life with nothing left unsaid

Make this world a better place

And don't be afraid to cry,

So when it's finally time to say goodbye

You've nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide.

You said live your life with passion

Give it all you've got

Dream big dreams then pay the price

And you'll come out on top

Don't measure life by what you have

But what you are inside

When it's finally time to say goodbye,

You've nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide.

My Perspective When Grieving

I wanted to start this blog post with, "I wish Dave were here with me" but that goes without saying.  There was a song on the radio tonight that said, "And I miss you like the deserts miss the rain" and that of course got me to thinking about how much I miss him.... How I miss having someone who's going to be there for me, no matter what and when friends have all given as much as they can, having that one person who you are home with, who has vowed to be there through everything and who gives perspective.  I keep wanting to share with Dave, all the new things I'm seeing, the 'old' things that I am readjusting to and wanting him to experience it all with me.  When I worry, he used to know just what to say or do, to ease the worry in me, he used to know how to 'quiet' my racing mind and slow me down to a more reasonable, living pace.

Nathan dropped in this afternoon and he could tell that my mind was not 'quiet' and he did his best to put things in perspective for me.  It is great to have a son who is so 'tuned in' and so willing to love and support me.   It was lovely to spend the day with his girlfriend, Melanie today.  Melanie, Karen and I went for a ride, then later in the day, went for a walk into town and a stop at the bakery for a yummy passionfruit kiss.

Missing Dave and wishing he was here, makes me feel like I need him here.  I need him to be beside me, to share with me and to be with me.  I keep thinking "I need him" and then have to remind myself, if I really needed him, then God my Father would have kept him here, because He provides all I need.  In my heart, I know that God provides all I need, that He loves me more than I can imagine and I need to just rest in Him.  I read in a devotion book today that "she felt as if she were hanging on by her fingernails. Then she felt as if God reminded her that His hand of protection was there to hold her up-- that she could let go, and He would catch her..."  I guess I need to have that perspective, too.  That I can  just let go and He will catch me in His arms of love.

Treasures Stored Up

Karen assured me yesterday that the blue-tongue lizard I saw in the garden, means that there are no snakes in the garden.  She also told me that it wasn't a pumpkin patch, nor petunias and not even pansies.  They were big green leaves with little orange flowers although, when I was checking out that lizard, I wasn't paying close attention to the flowers.

It was a lovely day yesterday although a tad on the windy side and today it looks like it's going to be even windier.  I had planned to go riding with Karen and Melanie but I'm not so sure I want to tackle hills in this weather.  Perhaps I could convince them to drive to the beach for a walk there, or maybe go to Connells for a vanilla slice and diet coke.... Well they can have tea, but I'll stick to my diet coke.

The last few days I've walked to the shopping centre from here, twice each day.  Going there is fine but coming back, especially by the second time yesterday, I wasn't so sure that walking uphill is all that it's cut out to be.  However, with all the good home cooking Karen has been dishing up, walking a few miles every day is probably necessary.

Banking has been a problem.  Originally, I decided I would just take money out of the US account using an ATM, then deposit it into my Aussie account.  It limits how much I can take out at a time but it isn't as though I am in a hurry to get too much money.... Until I decided that I would really like to buy a car.  So I checked out other options.

My aussie bank said that I could do an online transfer.  I checked with my US bank and they said that I can't do an online transfer but that they could wire the money for a fee of $50 and any other fees that the Aussie bank imposed.  The US bank suggested I write a check (cheque) and that wouldn't have any fees with it from the US side.
My Aussie bank told me that a cheque would take 30 days to clear and have a $10 fee on their end. Thirty days???!!!  She explained that was so they could prove it wasn't fraudulent as it would have to include the US bank etc.  The Aussie bank also said that any wired money would take at least 3 business days to clear.

So I got the US bank to raise the amount I can withdraw and I will use 2 ATMs to transfer money across each day.  Ridiculous!

Yesterday I also sat down and wrote out a list of expenses and items so that I will have an idea of how much it's going to cost me to live for the next few months.  I did it with the thought that I will have a job at the beginning of the school year in 2012 and as though I would be moving into my own place by Dec 1st, 2011.  There are a couple of applications I have submitted that I am hopeful about but nothing is certain.  Until I have a job, I can not really make any definite plans as I need to be availabe for interviews.

Yesterday I was feeling a bit down and missing Dave so I went into my room, preparing to write Dan and Rhonda an email.  I turned on Skype and they were there, so I got to talk/see them which was even better!  Sometimes being on the other side of the world, not being able to do anything and help, is stressful.  On the weekend, my son Nathan reminded me that I was here so that I could move forward with my life and that I needed to let go and not stress.  It's not easy.  I am very thankful for the friends and family who are so supportive at this time.

I was reading my Bible yesterday and read, Matt. 6:20,21 "But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  This life is temporal and I'm reminded of Mark Lowry's favourite verse, "And this too shall pass".

Life and Changes

I was sitting on the doorstep, enjoying the sunshine while eating my cheese and ham sandwich, with a diet coke in my other hand, when I heard a rustling in the pumpkin patch next to me.  I decided to investigate.  I looked as close as I dared when I saw the beady eyes, the pointy type head and the scaly skin.  I hoped that the bump protruding from around shoulder height was a leg and not perhaps a mouse being swallowed by a snake!  I moved back to the other side and gingerly parted leaves and as I couldn’t see a long coiled body, and definitely saw a little leg, I sighed with relief knowing it was a lizard and not a snake.   Now that I’m back in Oz land, I have to consider that 9/10 of the most venomous snakes of the world live in Australia.

As I was walking down the street today, I noticed an older couple walking on the other side of the road.  He was pushing a walker and she walked beside him, matching his pace.  I thought about how I will never get the opportunity to grow old with Dave.  We had joked about growing old together and looked forward to being together in our old age. 

Further along, I noticed changes to the town.  The local primary school where I had done CRT work at (subbing) now boasted new buildings and a kindergarten facility for 3 and 4 year olds.  The local bowls green was holding a competition and I laughed to myself because I’m not patient enough to take up a sport like bowls.  New buildings were in progress and life has gone on with changes being made.  Just like me.  Over the past two years especially, I have had many changes to my life, ones that included Dave.

There is a huge hole in my heart now that he used to fill.  There are so many things I want to share with him, talk about with him and hear his opinion on. Living here and getting on with my life without him, was not part of our plan.  I really didn’t fully comprehend just how much a part of my life he has been, not even just for the last 2 or 3 years, but beyond that, when we were first friends more than ten years ago.  We talked about so many things, shared our lives and our stories, even though we lived on different sides of the world.  He would tell me about his family, his friends, the things that he was doing, and I would share my ‘world’ with him.  When we joined our lives together, he and I merged into ‘one’ and we lived in the same world, yet still had stories to share from our differing daily doings.

I tried on some clothes at Target and wondered whether Dave would like them and then ‘remembered’ and wondered why I even bother because he’s not here to impress.  I once told him that when I dress, I want to look good for him.  I don’t have the same motivation to dress up anymore.

When I was walking down the street, I thought about how Dave said not long before he passed away, that I was in better shape now than I was when I first came and lived in the States.  He thought that I would have no problem feeding and watering the horses during this coming winter.  I wondered how I could be fitter when before that, I had been walking and swimming in Australia, regularly?  Oh well, since I don’t have a car, walking and riding my bike are my means of getting around.  There are some cars I like that I will go and look at on the weekend with Nathan and his girlfriend, Melanie.  At the moment, I’m thinking that my car will need to be a hatchback big enough to throw my bike in so that I can do a lot more riding on trails in this state of Victoria.

The sun is shining brightly and it’s a warm day.  My washing is on the clothesline, drying outside.  I guess it’s probably a lot cooler at home now than here and home seems so far away.  I know I have to keep moving forward so that I can get to the other side but I wish Dave was alive, I wish I could go horse riding today and I wish some things hadn’t changed!

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

The sun is shining brightly today and I even took my sweater off.  I went for a walk to the shops (stores) and tried to change my name to "Flowers" on legal documentation such as my licence, my medicare card (not the same Medicare organisation as you have in the States) and Centrelink (which is a similar thing to social security).  This is a small town so the policeman told me I have to go to the next country town which is 24 miles away to get my licence updated and to get my Medicare changed, I need to drive 62 miles.  I don't need to worry about Centrelink until I want to use their services.  I will need to buy a car soon.

I lived in this town for more than 10 years and because I worked here and spent time in the local community, I am a familiar face to many people.  While I was at the bank, one of my friend's who is a pw walked past and stopped to chat.  When I went into the local bakery for a delicious chicken snitzel and salad sandwich, there were 2 ladies there who knew me.  They both commented that I looked well and gave me condolences when I told them that Dave had passed away.

I applied for a job at a Christian school today, on the other side of Melbourne.  Another one of my friend's who also happens to be a pw spoke to the principal and told her I was an excellent teacher.  I wish that I had a job already.  I wish I had a car too. 

As I was walking along today, thinking about things, I thought about Dave and thought about the life I had with him.  It seems so long ago and so far away and on a sunny day like this, it's hard to keep a mournful countenance.  I talk about him with my friends and tell them stories that give them a bit of an idea as to what my life was like when I was there.  I know that every step I take is a step forward in this life but sometimes I hesitate, wondering if a step forward means a step further away from Dave and my life there.  At the same time, he is always going to be a part of my life and who I am today is because of the love and experiences he and I shared together.

I wish that he was with me and yet, at the same time, I know he is enjoying eternal life where there is no sickness, sadness and evil.  I am so thankful that God brought us together and I am thankful for all the fun we had together and only wish we could have lots more years learning and growing together.  

Anyway, Karen has been giving me lots of home cooked dinners that are delicious!  I've also been sleeping well but I still haven't gone for a real ride on my bike yet.  Tomorrow, Karen has told me that the washing machine and clotheline are free so I should catch up on my washing.  When I took my sweater off today, I noticed that I had some food stains from when I was in the States so I'll have to remember to use  pre-stain remover on that TShirt.

I guess as long as I keep moving forward, I'll get through this time and come out the other side, whole.  I miss you and all the rest of my family and friends who are in the States.  I am so glad that God placed me in your family.  You can have no idea how much I love you and I almost 'dread' the coming of Thanksgiving and Christmas, knowing that I won't be there to celebrate it with you all.  That hurts!

It hurts being a widow but I know that my dependency is on my Father God who loves me even more than I can imagine.  I also know that He wants the very best for me and that He does make all things good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.  These are not merely words to say but they are truths to live by.

Stay warm as the weather goes cooler.  I think of you often and am praying that God will continue to give you His peace at this time.

Love always,
Carolanne

P.S.  Karen loves the Huckleberry tea I bought for her when I was in WA.  She said she keeps burping Huckleberry.  Her family also like the Aplets and Cotlets I got for them.  Dave had encouraged me to buy some for Nathan last year for Christmas but I didn't get to try any until this time.  They are good!

I Wish You Were Here

A few months ago Dave and I were talking about our plans to visit Australia. Dave said that we would rent a motorbike because you see more on a motorbike than you would in a car.  I told him that my Aussie licence wouldn't allow me to ride/drive the motorbike but he firmly stated, he would be the driver, I was the passenger.  We were hoping Dan and Rhonda would come with us and they were planning on taking a car which worked for me since then we could give them our luggage.  Now that I am here without Dave, I keep wishing he was here.

I wish I could introduce him to my family and friends and show him around the beaches and hills.  I wish he were here to help me buy another car.  It's been fun car shopping with Nathan and we're getting my 'requirements for a car' sorted out but if Dave was here, he'd be able to help me figure out what is mechanically sound and best for me.  I miss not being able to share things with him and tell him about things people had said to me and/or get his advice on what the best thing to do would be.  I wish he was here to sit beside me, put his arm around me and not even necessarily say anything but just be there with me.

Today has been a day when it's really 'hit' me that Dave is not here with me and I am here 'alone' in Australia, having to start a new life.  On one hand, I think about what I can do, what I want to do, the fun I want to have.  I want to be able to get a car that will fit my bike in so I can go places to ride, go camping and spend time outdoors.  I know that I would rather spend leisure time outdoors than indoors.  When I go shopping and look at the prices of clothes, they seem so high compared to what I am used to in the States.  When Nathan and I went to the food court to eat, I refused to buy a muffin.  I don't 'like' muffins now when there's so much more variety and muffins are something I enjoyed in the US because there wasn't as much variety.

I wish that I knew what I would be doing next year, in 2012 because then I would have more options available to me.  For instance, if I definitely have a job, then I can afford to spend a little bit more on a car because I won't have to worry about making it (finances) last for an indefinite period of time.  I realise that I do have to buy a car asap so that I can get around without imposing too much on my good friends.  When I am looking around the stores, I see homewares, decore and kitchen items and wonder if I should buy those things that look good to me but on the other hand, I don't know where I'll be living, what room I will have to put things and what I will need.  My stuff from the States won't be here until early in January.. possibly.

I miss my family and friends in the States.  I still left a big part of my heart there and today I am so aware of the huge changes I am going to be dealing with.  I know how to 'do' those changes and I know I will get through it.  Sometimes it feels like being married to Dave, living in the States, didn't really happen and yet, it for sure did and has changed me and grown me and contributed to who I am today and why I feel strongly about some things.  I told Nathan that I don't want to "just settle" for things.  I want to live life and do things that I enjoy and I want to try things.  We saw a sign for a tractor pull and I commented that it would be good to go to one, just to see if I like it.  If I don't like it, then I don't have to go to another one but at least I had tried. 

Maybe I'm not explaining myself well. 

I miss Dave and wish he was here.  I told Dan and Rhonda today  that in some ways I feel like I'm just going through the motions, trying to get through each moment of each day until I come out the other side, intact and 'whole' again.  I don't mind being here, I just wish Dave was here, too.  Nathan and I talked about the things I miss from the States and the things I don't miss.  We talked a little about how life was for me after Dave passed away and how that affects my views/attitude towards life here now.

Tomorrow I will continue sorting out paperwork and name changes and things like that.  I am proud to be Mrs Carolanne Flowers and want to have the official documentation to show that is who I am.

I wish you were here, Dave.

Waking Up In Australia

I woke up this morning just after 6 when the sun was shining and my son was sleeping in the bed about 2 metres away from me.  Yesterday I arrived in Melbourne and despite having checked the box about having been with farm animals in the last 30 days, they let me out of customs without having to go through quarantine as I didn’t bring any mud/dirt on my boots and shoes.  My good friend Karen was waiting for me and we eventually found our way to her car.  It still seems a bit weird to see the steering wheel on the left side of the car but I don’t think it will take me long to adapt back to Aussie ways.

We went to lunch at Chaddy shopping centre and I ate one fried dim sim.  That’s not all I ate for lunch and I also had a bottle of diet coke but the dim sim is something I missed eating when in the US.  I got a new SIM card for my phone and checked out bikes at a large bike store.  Almost to Karen’s house, we had a few errands to run at stores (shops) there and I updated my Aussie bank account so that now my name is officially Carolanne Flowers. 

 I bought a hybrid bike which even has shock absorbers in the seat post and the wheels can come off easily with the push of a button which will help for when I want to carry my bike in cars to take them to bike trails.  I bought a helmet and the guy at the bike store delivered it to Karen’s house as he only lives 5 houses down the road.  It’s a small country town.

Anyway, it was good to catch up with Karen and her family and Nathan is also staying here for the weekend.  Karen made a delicious meal and mom will be pleased to know I ate everything on my plate and it was good.  We had home-made sausage rolls, carrots, peas, baked cauliflower with a yummy cheese sauce and for dessert I had bought some blueberry, white choc-chip scones from Bakers Delight.

I went to bed by 10:30 last night (or 11) and it didn’t take long to fall asleep.  I did wake up with an unusual type cramp in my leg which I had once before, so I got up and paced for a bit and it was fine this morning.  Well the sun is out and the grey clouds look like they’re going so Nathan and I might get a bike ride in today which I’m looking forward to.  We might even go look at cars and then I want to take some photos so that my family and friends can see the pretty area I live in.
I do miss my family and friends in the US a lot!!!!

Skip a Day Flying Over the Dateline.

Flying across the ocean, almost to land in Australia.  The food on the aeroplane was edible, not delicious so I only ate small amounts.  My US influence meant I was eating with just a fork until I remembered that I can use a knife and fork here, without people thinking I’m ‘different’.  It’s normal to keep the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right. (Unless one is left-handed)  I must admit though, that at first the cacophony of aussie accents irritated me.  There’s probably some subconscious reason for this which I’m choosing to ignore.  I managed to l sleep a few hours, watched a couple of inflight movies and chatted to the Aussie woman sitting next to me, whose life story is not that much different to mine.

One memory prevalent in my mind right now is when Dave and I were standing in the living room; He had his hands on my shoulders and I had my arms around him.  I looked up at him and said, “I just want you to be proud of me”.  He bent his head closer to mine and in a slightly broken voice, whispered, “I am proud of you!”   Dave found it hard to believe that I could love him so much and he constantly wondered out loud as to why I would want to please him and make him happy.

Now that he isn’t here anymore, I still want to live in a way that would make him proud of me.  The fact is, I want to live life to the fullest (since it appears I have to stay on this earth) and I want to be the woman God created me to be.  Yes, the direction of my life seems uncertain at this time, I don’t have a job, a home, or a car, nothing yet that is certain but I can’t sit around waiting for something to happen.  We all have choices to make and those choices have consequences which affects the direction our life takes.

I’m reading a book called, “500 Acres and No Place to Hide” by Susan McCorkindale.  She refers to herself as a counterfeit farm girl, whose husband dragged her kicking and screaming from the suburbs to a 500 acre beef cattle farm.  Anyway, she visited a 5^th grade class to teach them about writing and said to them, “Every single day, something happens in your life that is worth writing about…. But the trick is, you have to pay attention.  You have to be aware.  Don’t just float along and let your life happen to you.  Be conscious of the moment.  Make note of it.”

On one of the movies I was watching on the plane, the advice to one of the characters was similar to her quote.  Make decisions.  Say yes or no rather than say nothing.  The passenger next to me suggested I write ten things I want to see happen in the next 12 months.  Someone had recommended that ‘strategy’ to her when she hit rock bottom and I agreed that it seems like a good idea.  I’ve been thinking about what I would write but right now, I’m not ready to spell those out.

Keep Moving Along the Garden Trail

Right now I'm in an aeroplane.. (well I was when I wrote it in the book but now I'm typing it here, I'm in San Francisco airport.)  At 11pm I'll be flying from San Fran back to Australia.  The passenger next to me is quiet and reading from her "Kindle".  I'm sure if I made the effort, I could engage her in conversation, but with my heart feeling sad and me trying to hold back the tears, I don't bother.  Refreshments are coming and of course I'll have a diet coke,

Technology has changed so much that while I am at the airport, I can log on to the internet on my laptop.  When I was at Seattle, I skyped with my sister Lindy, read and replied to emails and checked Facebook.  It certainly helped to make the time go by quicker.

I read in the in-flight magazine that;

     "Many Hollywood movies are built on some sort of cheesy quest in which the character goes through the crucible of: 1. the death of a loved one 2. a trip to a faraway land and 3. an inner journey, often spiritual, that parallels the real one."

Hollywood here I come! And we all know that the classic Hollywood movie ends "happily ever after".

I have a bunch of mixed emotions swirling around my heart and my head and 'hope' is trying to embrace even the loss and pain so that I can move forward in life.  When I was leaving home last Sunday, I thought about pulling over to the side of the road so that I could take photos of the views I was leaving behind.  As I considered it, I told myself that I needed to keep moving forward.

Right now there's the urge to start counting my losses, replaying the 'farewells' of those I love so much.  There's the constant tugging of my heart strings to think about Dave, about the memories we shared and the love that grew between us.  I keep looking at my wedding ring and keep picturing the loving look in his eye, the smile on his face as he would hold me closely.  I keep looking around at the passengers on this plane and fleetingly wonder who they are and what their story is.

There's another pull at my heart, the hope that urges me forward.  The knowledge that when I return to Australia, I will be welcomed and loved by family and friends.  Over the next few weeks/months, a new chapter in my life will begin to unfold and I will experience some kind of purpose and sense for all that has shaped me over the past two years.

However, I must admit that after reading grief books, fiction & non-fiction, watching movies and TV shows where a loved one has died, I wonder if I will have a melt-down in a public place or even if I will resort to hiding myself away, eating bucketloads of chocolate, consuming large quantities of diet coke and staying in my pjs for days on end.

On the other hand, I'll be living close to the beach at first, and so I can look forward to long walks that are healing and prayerful and refreshing.  I'm also thinking of buying a bicycle so that I can go riding and maybe ride with friends like Melanie K and Karen.  So far it seems that God has decided I still have a future on this earth, so until that changes, I guess I'll have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, along the Garden Trail He has placed me on.

Dave's Family are My Family

Forgive yourself: for being angry or disappointed with others, including the one who died and left you; for being powerless to have prevented the loss; for everything you wish you had or hadn’t done.  # 9 “Grief Therapy” edited by Karen Katafiasz.

It’s raining, it’s pouring and it’s dark outside.  I’m sitting in the living room with Mom while Dad loads the dishwasher.   The clock has just chimed 8 o’clock and is now ticking away the time I have left here.  I said goodbye to Dan and Rhonda today.  Mom says, “Don’t say goodbye.  It’s too final” so I change it to “fare well”.   No words can truly convey how much they mean to me and how utterly thankful I am for their support, love and friendship.  Dave and Dan were not just brothers, they were best friends and even before I knew Dan, I loved him for being the brother that he was to Dave.

Funny thing is, when I met Dan two years ago, we had both heard of each other from Dave and now were face to face, checking each other out, I guess.  Dan later told Dave that I was more sensible than he thought I would be.  I asked Dave if that was because Dave had given him that impression from the words he had used to describe me or if it was because Dan didn’t think anyone could like Dave so much and be that sensible. 

Dan told me last week, “Either she loved him very much or she had no sense”.  I’m glad he realised it was the former. 

The heater warms the livingroom and mom brings my phone over to me as I had left it on the kitchen table.  When I came here with Dave two years ago, Mom said, “And who are you??!!” Two years ago when I was here for Dad’s 90^th birthday, Dave and I hadn’t really made public our relationship because we were still working through our own issues of what we meant to each other.  On the Sunday afternoon, Dave and I went for a walk through the woods, just the 2 of us and it was on that walk that I knew that I loved Dave and wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.  As I walked behind him on that narrow trail, I wondered what he would say if I proposed to him but I didn’t propose because I wanted him to figure it out on his own.

I loved mom and dad from that weekend on.  I admired their faith, I admired them for having been married for more than 60 years and having brought up 6 children.  I laughed when I heard stories about the way the kids had grown up.  I listened to the beautiful music that Brent, Denise and their sons, mom and Dan made on Sunday morning church.  I felt a part of this family even before I was a part of this family.

Dad just walked past pushing his Cadillac walker and asks Mom,”Whatcha doing there, hon?” and I watch and listen, thankful to be a part of this family.

Tomorrow Dad and Mom will drive me to the bus stop so that I can get a shuttle bus to the airport.  We don’t know when we’ll see each other again.  As I type, we eat the Lindt Lindor Truffles that Dan and Rhonda gave me.  Yummy!

There will be tears tomorrow but the tears of parting are worth the love we all share.

Thank you Lord for this family I belong to.  Thank you for the love that we share, the love that binds us together through the good times and tough times, the love that will keep on going as we keep on going.