Upheld In My Grief

I had a leisurely morning today and even though I didn't sleep in, I felt refreshed and ready for the day ahead.  I went to the Christian school to visit some of my friends (teachers) at noontime and that was enjoyable as it always is.  Anyway, Teresa gave me a book to read and she had one excerpt bookmarked because she felt it particularly relevant to this blog:

"Give voice to sorrow.  Lend words to loneliness.  Make heard the depth of your despair and the breaking of your heart.
      For what remains unspoken can never burst into healing song."   
p93 "Safe Passage" Molly Fumia

I read that and thought, "How true".  It really makes sense to me and is one of the reasons I started this blog. Teresa also recommended a fiction book called "Good Grief" which I picked up from Hastings.  That was an interesting experience.  I love bookstores.  I love books.  I love reading and writing.  I can walk into a bookstore and stay there for hours.  My son Nathan is also like that.  Today I went to Hastings with my good friend Maurine and she tried to keep me focussed as I flitted from aisle to aisle and then my eyes would catch something else glittering in another and I'd dart over to that bookshelf.  She kept reminding me that I had a weight limit for my suitcases and that I didn't need to buy other books.  She kept reminding me that Aunt Mary was expecting me at 4pm and time was slipping away.  I would begin walking back to the check-out and notice something else.  All in all, I think I did pretty well because I only bought 1 extra book in addition to "Good Grief".  Besides, books can go in my hand luggage if the suitcases are too heavy!

The funny thing about grief is it is different from moment to moment.  Today I had a good day.  I missed Dave, talked about Dave, had my own private thoughts about him but it felt nice.  Even though everything seems to be swirling around me like a storm and the waves are angrily tossing this way and that, and life isn't what I would choose it to be, even though nothing seems to be going right, I have faith in God who is sustaining me at this time and who does promise to provide everything I need.  It might not be what I expect, it is definitely not in MY timing but yet I know that He is not going to let me drown.  My brother Glenn pointed me to Psalm 77:1-15 and the verses that really spoke loudly to me were:

  I thought about the former days,
   the years of long ago;
⁶ I remembered my songs in the night.
   My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
 ⁷ “Will the Lord reject forever?
   Will he never show his favor again?
⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
   Has his promise failed for all time?
⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful?
   Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
 ¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
   the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
   yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
¹² I will consider all your works
   and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

When I look back on my life, when I remember what the Lord has done, then I know I have no need to fear.  Knowing this doesn't mean that I am completely free from worry, or that I am completely 'good to go' and yes, I still have moments... days when I cry out, "Why God?" or cry simply because I miss Dave and am worried about what the future holds for me. 

As I was driving home tonight, I heard a song on one of the Christian radio stations.  Before I share the words with you, I was also thinking about how my 'tune' has changed and I prefer listening to Christian music.  The other stuff seems so empty, unrealistic or depressing and even though I know there will be a time when I listen to it again, right now I need the encouragement, hope and reassurance that some Christian lyrics provide.

The song is called "Healer" by Hillsong.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

Pre-Chorus:

I trust in You
I trust in You

Chorus:

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

As I give voice to my sorrow and broken heart, as I open up my heart to the healing that only my Lord can provide, then I can have the hope and confidence that I will learn to live, laugh, love and dance once more.  Yes, I am changed and life has taken on a far different direction than I had planned but I know God will make it good, in His time.