I wish I could introduce him to my family and friends and show him around the beaches and hills. I wish he were here to help me buy another car. It's been fun car shopping with Nathan and we're getting my 'requirements for a car' sorted out but if Dave was here, he'd be able to help me figure out what is mechanically sound and best for me. I miss not being able to share things with him and tell him about things people had said to me and/or get his advice on what the best thing to do would be. I wish he was here to sit beside me, put his arm around me and not even necessarily say anything but just be there with me.
Today has been a day when it's really 'hit' me that Dave is not here with me and I am here 'alone' in Australia, having to start a new life. On one hand, I think about what I can do, what I want to do, the fun I want to have. I want to be able to get a car that will fit my bike in so I can go places to ride, go camping and spend time outdoors. I know that I would rather spend leisure time outdoors than indoors. When I go shopping and look at the prices of clothes, they seem so high compared to what I am used to in the States. When Nathan and I went to the food court to eat, I refused to buy a muffin. I don't 'like' muffins now when there's so much more variety and muffins are something I enjoyed in the US because there wasn't as much variety.
I wish that I knew what I would be doing next year, in 2012 because then I would have more options available to me. For instance, if I definitely have a job, then I can afford to spend a little bit more on a car because I won't have to worry about making it (finances) last for an indefinite period of time. I realise that I do have to buy a car asap so that I can get around without imposing too much on my good friends. When I am looking around the stores, I see homewares, decore and kitchen items and wonder if I should buy those things that look good to me but on the other hand, I don't know where I'll be living, what room I will have to put things and what I will need. My stuff from the States won't be here until early in January.. possibly.
I miss my family and friends in the States. I still left a big part of my heart there and today I am so aware of the huge changes I am going to be dealing with. I know how to 'do' those changes and I know I will get through it. Sometimes it feels like being married to Dave, living in the States, didn't really happen and yet, it for sure did and has changed me and grown me and contributed to who I am today and why I feel strongly about some things. I told Nathan that I don't want to "just settle" for things. I want to live life and do things that I enjoy and I want to try things. We saw a sign for a tractor pull and I commented that it would be good to go to one, just to see if I like it. If I don't like it, then I don't have to go to another one but at least I had tried.
Maybe I'm not explaining myself well.
I miss Dave and wish he was here. I told Dan and Rhonda today that in some ways I feel like I'm just going through the motions, trying to get through each moment of each day until I come out the other side, intact and 'whole' again. I don't mind being here, I just wish Dave was here, too. Nathan and I talked about the things I miss from the States and the things I don't miss. We talked a little about how life was for me after Dave passed away and how that affects my views/attitude towards life here now.
Tomorrow I will continue sorting out paperwork and name changes and things like that. I am proud to be Mrs Carolanne Flowers and want to have the official documentation to show that is who I am.
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