In The Middle of the Night

It’s the middle of the night, dark and cool and my music is playing in the background.  I’m all alone and that’s when thoughts, memories, and grief envelop me; Images of Dave sitting up in the stretcher in the back of the ambulance, his eyes meeting mine. What is he trying to say to me?  What does he know?  Is he trying to draw strength and courage from me? Is he trying to tell me he loves me? Is he scared?  Does he know this will be the last time we will see each other on this earth?  If I had have known that would be the last time, I would have jumped up on that ambulance, told him I loved him again and again and probably not have let go of him until they forcibly removed me from his arms.

They say, God gives you the desires of your heart and I cry out, ”Why, then, isn’t Dave with me now???”  I look around me and couples everywhere are holding hands, looking at each other with love in their eyes.  I miss him.  I miss not being loved by him.  Song playing in the background, “I need your loving like the sun shine”.  Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be one of the ‘lucky ones’ who are loved by their beloved now, on this earth.  (The name David means ‘beloved.’)

I don’t know how to stop crying.  I know that it’s OK to cry but I sob and cry and try wiping the tears away with my hands.  Nobody can imagine how much this hurts!  During the day, with people around, busyness etc., it’s a lot easier to get distracted and not think about this pain. It’s also ‘easier’ on such wonderful, kind, loving family and friends who are doing their best to help ease the burden. But at night, all alone, I allow myself to grieve and cry.  This is my journey and though others can love me, they can’t take away the knowledge and pain of not having Dave here with me.

Saying live with no excuses,
And love with no regrets.
... Laugh a lot
Leave this life with nothing left unsaid
Make this world a better place
And don't be afraid to cry,
So when it's finally time to say goodbye
You've nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide

I don't have regrets.  I left what I could behind in Australia and came to Dave, giving him everything and loving him with my whole  heart.

I think about him in Heaven.  I think about him enjoying the love of God, the new body, no sorrow, sin, no tears and then I wonder, if that is what Heaven is, enjoying the fellowship of Jesus, then he won’t be concerned with the things of earth.  He’ll be enjoying himself and have no thought of me and won’t even be missing me.  While I am happy for him, I am sad for me.

I am all alone, without Dave, and the tears keep streaming down, the sobs keep coming out and my heart is breaking all over again.

Another love song plays.  “Wherever you go, tell me because I’m gonna go…. We’ve found love… Life is a rollercoaster.  You just gotta ride it.  I need you… Can’t you feel my heart? Can’t you take my heart?”

Oh Dave.

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want

Is to hold you  tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

Oh yeah, more time would have been so good!

But morning has come, the rain and tears have stopped, the birds are singing and it's another day to face, another day to get through, another step forward.