First Day of Aussie Summer 2011

The first day of Summer was the day it should be with blue skies, fluffy white clouds and a gentle breeze.  The mountains stood majestically behind the tall gum trees, butterflies flitted over the shrubs and magpies sang their pretty song.  In the distance a lawn mower could be heard and a chain saw too, people went about their daily business.  


Sometimes when I wake up, there is such a sense of loss and heartbreak that I barely want to get up and live. Tears fell freely today, as I drove to a small country town called Shepparton and at times, my vision was blurred.  I licked the salty taste of tears and dabbed at my eyes with my fingers so that I could continue driving.  I thought of pulling over but why would I stop?  And then, if I stopped, I doubted the tears would stop.  I tried to think of other things but like Gretel, my heart said, "Why don't I feel better?"  Except that I knew why.


I went to a bookstore and found a couple books that I had been looking for, that I will be able to use next Tuesday when I introduce myself to the class and when they respond likewise.  I am looking forward to teaching them and sharing with them the wonderful stories, pictures and even Maths equations, that will be ours for 2012.  I found books about bicycles, stories of Australian history that involved horses and even a big book of indoor and outdoor games that will remind me of the games I already know and teach me fun games that I can use with the students.  


I received a phone call from a real estate and I have a home which is only 1km (0.6 miles) from the school I'll be teaching at.  I'll be able to ride, walk or drive depending on my energy levels, the time I have and the amount of 'stuff', e.g. books, that I'll be carrying with me.  I am happy with the place and I will be moving in next weekend (9th & 10th Dec.) so I'll be able to be settled by Christmas and when my things arrive from the US, they will have a home to be unpacked in.


Why don't I feel better?

As I walked back to my car from shopping, I saw a saddle store and decided to walk in and 'smell' the leather of saddles, touch the bridles and admire the 'western' clothing.  I looked at the prices of a Wrangler shirt and decided that I already had enough western clothing and as the tears threatened again, I moved out of the store and almost, but not quite, ran to the car and drove back to the place I am staying at.  I still feel tired and drained.


I am thankful that everything is falling into place.  I am thankful for the new job and for my home.  I am thankful for the friends and family who are so encouraging, loving and supportive.  But even the expression "falling into place" irks me.  Dave and I wanted everything to fall into place for our life together.   While we were away for our first anniversary, we said that everything should be easier for us now because it had been tough!  We weren't to know then, that we'd only have 6 more weeks together.  

Yes, it's a good day but inside, my heart still aches for Dave.

Broken

When I woke up in Molyullah this morning, I woke up with a groan and knew that this was going to be one of those days when I would be dealing with tears and grief and missing Dave.  It wasn't just because I was leaving my friends at Molyullah because I knew I would be back. It was because I had thoughts....
Thoughts of: 

• Missing Dave
• No job and not having heard anything either way, 
• Missing Dave
• Having a car but no home to drive it to
• Leaving friends to visit other friends but not having my own home
• Missing Dave
• Wishing I could wake up with Dave beside me.

"Revisiting" one of my favourite memories: On our wedding night, we went to the Davenport Hotel and the lady at the reception desk noticed Dave's very shiny, wedding ring and asked if we were just married after we had just said we'd been to a wedding that day.  Up in our room, my hair was full of hairspray and pins and it was frustrating me to pull out the pins when I couldn't see where they were all hidden.  I laid my head on Dave's chest and he gently took them all out without pulling my hair at all.  Ahhh! So nice!


Anyway, as I was driving along, I listened to a Mariah Carey CD but it was too much of the "I can't live if living is without you" type songs so I played Sandi Patty's CD "Edge of the Divine".  When I heard the song, "When Life Gets Broken", I could not stop the tears but I needed to hear the words to that song!


When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out 
No one to hold 
You've been abandoned 
With no place to go 
Wounded and wanting 
Such desperate times 
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes 

(Pre-Chorus) 
Get a glimpse of Jesus 
For He is right there with you 
He knows just what you need 

Chorus 
When life gets broken 
And you're in despair 
He'll carry your burden 
When it's too much to bear 
It's down in the valley 
Where He'll give you strength 
And there is nothing you have lost 
That He can't replace 
He'll help you start all over again 
When life gets broken 

Verse 2 
You hoped God would heal her 
But she went home anyway 
Now it's hard to imagine 
How you'll make it through the day 
Weeks turn to years 
Time's passing you by 
But you're still holding on 
To the how's and the why's 

(Pre-Chorus) 
Get a glimpse of Jesus 
For He is right there with you 
He knows just what you need 

Chorus 
When life gets broken 
And you're in despair 
He'll carry your burden 
When it's too much to bear 
It's down in the valley 
Where He'll give you strength 
And there is nothing you have lost 
That He can't replace 
He'll help you start all over again 
When life gets broken 


So tonight I am visiting friends I haven't seen in years but have been friends with for years.  I accidently left my toiletries at Molyullah so Carolyn and I had to go shopping for some more.  I am so blessed in the generosity and loving kindness of all my friends.  I am so thankful for them but... I still wish I had my own home to go to!

In The Middle of the Night

It’s the middle of the night, dark and cool and my music is playing in the background.  I’m all alone and that’s when thoughts, memories, and grief envelop me; Images of Dave sitting up in the stretcher in the back of the ambulance, his eyes meeting mine. What is he trying to say to me?  What does he know?  Is he trying to draw strength and courage from me? Is he trying to tell me he loves me? Is he scared?  Does he know this will be the last time we will see each other on this earth?  If I had have known that would be the last time, I would have jumped up on that ambulance, told him I loved him again and again and probably not have let go of him until they forcibly removed me from his arms.

They say, God gives you the desires of your heart and I cry out, ”Why, then, isn’t Dave with me now???”  I look around me and couples everywhere are holding hands, looking at each other with love in their eyes.  I miss him.  I miss not being loved by him.  Song playing in the background, “I need your loving like the sun shine”.  Sometimes I wonder why I can’t be one of the ‘lucky ones’ who are loved by their beloved now, on this earth.  (The name David means ‘beloved.’)

I don’t know how to stop crying.  I know that it’s OK to cry but I sob and cry and try wiping the tears away with my hands.  Nobody can imagine how much this hurts!  During the day, with people around, busyness etc., it’s a lot easier to get distracted and not think about this pain. It’s also ‘easier’ on such wonderful, kind, loving family and friends who are doing their best to help ease the burden. But at night, all alone, I allow myself to grieve and cry.  This is my journey and though others can love me, they can’t take away the knowledge and pain of not having Dave here with me.

Saying live with no excuses,
And love with no regrets.
... Laugh a lot
Leave this life with nothing left unsaid
Make this world a better place
And don't be afraid to cry,
So when it's finally time to say goodbye
You've nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide

I don't have regrets.  I left what I could behind in Australia and came to Dave, giving him everything and loving him with my whole  heart.

I think about him in Heaven.  I think about him enjoying the love of God, the new body, no sorrow, sin, no tears and then I wonder, if that is what Heaven is, enjoying the fellowship of Jesus, then he won’t be concerned with the things of earth.  He’ll be enjoying himself and have no thought of me and won’t even be missing me.  While I am happy for him, I am sad for me.

I am all alone, without Dave, and the tears keep streaming down, the sobs keep coming out and my heart is breaking all over again.

Another love song plays.  “Wherever you go, tell me because I’m gonna go…. We’ve found love… Life is a rollercoaster.  You just gotta ride it.  I need you… Can’t you feel my heart? Can’t you take my heart?”

Oh Dave.

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want

Is to hold you  tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

Oh yeah, more time would have been so good!

But morning has come, the rain and tears have stopped, the birds are singing and it's another day to face, another day to get through, another step forward.

Dave's Family are My Family

Forgive yourself: for being angry or disappointed with others, including the one who died and left you; for being powerless to have prevented the loss; for everything you wish you had or hadn’t done.  # 9 “Grief Therapy” edited by Karen Katafiasz.

It’s raining, it’s pouring and it’s dark outside.  I’m sitting in the living room with Mom while Dad loads the dishwasher.   The clock has just chimed 8 o’clock and is now ticking away the time I have left here.  I said goodbye to Dan and Rhonda today.  Mom says, “Don’t say goodbye.  It’s too final” so I change it to “fare well”.   No words can truly convey how much they mean to me and how utterly thankful I am for their support, love and friendship.  Dave and Dan were not just brothers, they were best friends and even before I knew Dan, I loved him for being the brother that he was to Dave.

Funny thing is, when I met Dan two years ago, we had both heard of each other from Dave and now were face to face, checking each other out, I guess.  Dan later told Dave that I was more sensible than he thought I would be.  I asked Dave if that was because Dave had given him that impression from the words he had used to describe me or if it was because Dan didn’t think anyone could like Dave so much and be that sensible. 

Dan told me last week, “Either she loved him very much or she had no sense”.  I’m glad he realised it was the former. 

The heater warms the livingroom and mom brings my phone over to me as I had left it on the kitchen table.  When I came here with Dave two years ago, Mom said, “And who are you??!!” Two years ago when I was here for Dad’s 90^th birthday, Dave and I hadn’t really made public our relationship because we were still working through our own issues of what we meant to each other.  On the Sunday afternoon, Dave and I went for a walk through the woods, just the 2 of us and it was on that walk that I knew that I loved Dave and wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.  As I walked behind him on that narrow trail, I wondered what he would say if I proposed to him but I didn’t propose because I wanted him to figure it out on his own.

I loved mom and dad from that weekend on.  I admired their faith, I admired them for having been married for more than 60 years and having brought up 6 children.  I laughed when I heard stories about the way the kids had grown up.  I listened to the beautiful music that Brent, Denise and their sons, mom and Dan made on Sunday morning church.  I felt a part of this family even before I was a part of this family.

Dad just walked past pushing his Cadillac walker and asks Mom,”Whatcha doing there, hon?” and I watch and listen, thankful to be a part of this family.

Tomorrow Dad and Mom will drive me to the bus stop so that I can get a shuttle bus to the airport.  We don’t know when we’ll see each other again.  As I type, we eat the Lindt Lindor Truffles that Dan and Rhonda gave me.  Yummy!

There will be tears tomorrow but the tears of parting are worth the love we all share.

Thank you Lord for this family I belong to.  Thank you for the love that we share, the love that binds us together through the good times and tough times, the love that will keep on going as we keep on going.

I'm Broken But Help Me Walk by Faith, Lord.

Last night I sat and talked with Dad Flowers about Heaven and about Dave being there.  What is Heaven like?  Heaven is a place of perfection, of no tears, pain, or regrets.  We'll have new bodies and not these frail, weak, sick bodies that we've learned to live with.  We'll be in the presence of the living God and I'm sure the things of 'earth will go strangely dim' compared to the world we live in on earth where there is so much pain, sickness and evil.  I talked to a friend, Geoff, the other day and he told me that when he gets to Heaven, he's got a few questions he's going to ask God.  When his wife died of cancer about 4 years ago, he was left to bring up 2 young daughters, he lost a large sum of money, his business changed and he even lost his ministry. In response, he got angry at God and wondered what he had done to anger God so much.  Personally, I think that when we get to Heaven, all of the questions we have, will be gone as soon as we see Him face to face.  The things we hold so dearly here, will not matter at all.  Geoff said that it's like Job.  He'd been questioning God through all his trials but when God spoke to him, Job was speechless. (Job 37 & 38)

I went out for dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday, my father-in-law's birthday and my sister-in-law's birthday and as I sat next to Rhonda, I again said that when I think of all I have lost over the last 18 months, I still feel that it would have been better for God to have taken me instead of Dave.  I don't want to start all over again.  I don't want to deal with the crap that I'm dealing with and I don't like the pain and heartbreak I'm experiencing right now.  I miss Dave so much.  Being here with his parents is wonderful, but in a couple of days, I'll have to say goodbye to them too.  I still want to have the life that Dave and I were going to have but I want it with him.  It's hard to convey just how much this hurts and I don't want to come across as whinging and full of self-pity.  It's all just part of grief.

Rhonda said to me, what I've heard from other people who love me and believe in me also say, that God didn't take me home yet because I'm still here for a purpose.  Who knows what God is going to do in my life?  Who knows what 'great things' He has in store for me?  While I try to believe that, and in my heart I do know that, it doesn't really stop the tears but yes, it is comforting to know that in the midst of all this hurt, He is walking beside me, constantly loving me and He will make it all good.

You've probably realised that songs are playing an important part in my healing as they remind me of the truths I need to hear.  Another song that played constantly yesterday, then played on the radio tonight, is by Jeremy Camp called, "Walk by Faith".  I do want to walk by faith and trust God even though it all seems so dark and uncertain right now.   These are the words:

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya

[chorus]

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

My Birthday Was Yesterday

It’s the day after my birthday/farewell party.  Mixed emotions.Lots of sadness and tears.

I woke up early in the morning and headed to town to have my hair cut, coloured and curled.  Raven did a great job as usual and I went to Lon and Maurine’s where my party was to be held.  I was early which I was glad about.

I have many special friends who turned up to wish me a happy birthday and who also came to say “Farewell”.  When they didn’t cry, it was a lot easier to maintain my composure but tears weren’t far from the surface.  I kept trying not to cry by distracting myself with other mundane thoughts but Dave is never far from my mind and my heart.  I would think about how I loved to be held by him, how I loved the strength of his hands, how I loved to kiss him! I would remember that he will never again walk by my side. 

Some of the friends who came yesterday had been Dave’s friends for years, some of them had not been close but had known him for years and as I looked around the room, I realised that he had missed out on knowing the richness of the friendship that I had because of him.  Some of the friends there yesterday, I was only starting to get to know but no matter who it was, there was love.  I knew that if it weren’t for Dave, I wouldn’t even know these people who I had also given my heart to.

This morning, my no-son Son Nick, came around to do some shooting with me.  I didn’t want to leave the States without having shot a gun so he brought a 22 rifle, a shot gun and his 7 year old son who also had a 22 rifle.  They came at 7:30am and it was a lot of fun.  I’m so glad Nick took time out to come shoot with me.  Another memory.  As I hugged him goodbye (for the 4^th time) I said to him it gets easier and he asked, “Really?” and I laughed and said “No.”

The neighbours came and said goodbye to me this morning as they drove off to church and I finished loading up the car and got into the driver’s seat.  I sat and looked around and the tears came.  For the next few hours as I drove away from our home, it felt like a deluge of tears.  Songs came on the radio, thoughts, memories, more thoughts, lots of tears.  It felt like my heart was breaking, my insides were wrenching inside of me and I wondered if I would ever stop crying.

AS I drove away from the home I had shared with Dave, I thought that it would have been better for God to have taken me rather than Dave.  Dave had his life here, his family, a job, his home and he had something to look forward to.  I had that all with him but now that I’m leaving, I feel like I am leaving the life he had in store for him and the life we were going to have together.  I passed the place where we first kissed (MmmMmm), places we had visited together, and signs that pointed to places we wanted to visit together.  It seems so unfair that I have to start all over again, without him.

I stopped at Safeway in Leavenworth to get a sandwich.  Leavenworth was a place Dave and I would stop at on our way to his parents’ place and we’d walk around the stores, talking, planning, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  Because of the state I was in, I decided not to torture myself by doing that and stopped at Safeway instead.  The ‘silly’ young man making my sandwich decided to try and draw me into conversation and although I kept deflecting his enquiries by putting them back on him, he finally asked “So what brings you here? Vacation?Business??”  I told him that my husband had passed away 2 months ago and I was on my way back to Australia.  He expressed his condolences and told me that it looked like I was coping well.

I got to Mom and Dad Flowers home and the first thing Mom said when I walked in the door was, “I want you to stay here. Don’t go back to Australia” and I replied, “If only I could” and then I went outside to get my suitcase and try again to stop more tears.  I didn’t realise the tears’ well was so deep and full to overflowing over the brim of it.  So here I am, spending a few days with Mom and Dad, sharing with them and showing them the cards and gifts friends gave me.  Mom remarked, “Your friends have certainly expressed love for you!”  And it is true.  I have wonderful friends who love me very much and who believe in me.  They are expecting God to do great things in my life and I know He will, I just wish it could have been with Dave by my side!!!

If the weather is good tomorrow morning, I am thinking about going on a hike through the woods that Dave and I did almost 2 years ago to this date, where I followed behind him along the track and knew that I wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.  I don’t know if I will do it but there’s a part of me that really does want to do that walk again.  I know it would be tearful but I’d also use that time to help in the grieving process and also to have a talk with God about this ‘mess’ I am in. 

There’s a song on the radio by Matthew West called "Strong Enough"

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

.......

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough

Good Grief

I was thinking today that 'grief' isn't bad.  It is a natural process of dealing with loss.  If we didn't grieve, then we haven't lost anything to grieve about.  But the thing about grief is that it's so entwined with our emotions, with reality and with our memories, that it becomes unpredictable... which is why we are counselled not to make any major decisions in the first year of our grief. ☺ The problem with that counsel is that life goes on and we must go on too.

Since Dave passed away, (55 days, 14 hours and 20 minutes ago) my grief has led me in different directions, twisting and pulling at my heart, making me worry about one thing, causing me to misunderstand good intentions, jumbling up words when I speak, feeling happy, sad, hurt, lost, empty, hopeful.......and there are even times I feel like I am coping well.  Coping well gives a false sense of security because then I think I've got it all under control and I'm 'good to go'.  While I'm coping well, I have a hint of guilt because I wonder if that means I've moved on since Dave has gone and didn't love him as deeply as I thought.  

On the weekend, I was working on the clothes in the closet, both Dave's and mine, trying to figure out what I should keep, pack and what I should throw away.  I was sitting on the floor folding clothes and feeling like I was coping well despite the circumstances.  Dan (Dave's brother) had found my Keith Urban CD tucked away in the office so was playing it to see if it still worked.  I was enjoying the music and then the song that Dave and I used to walk on our wedding day, came on, "Only You Can Love Me This Way".

Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand

That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way

Well, so much for coping well.  Even now when I read those words again, tears start rolling down my cheeks. 

And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way

The problem is, when it all becomes too much, he isn't here.  I cried.  I walked down to the pasture to nuzzle with the horses but I walked slowly and the tears blurred my vision so instead I sat on a rock and cried some more.  On my way back to the house, I saw that the horses had gone into the corral, so I took Dave's horse Stormy and groomed her, combed her mane and her tail and when I was done, went back inside the house and sorted out some more of the closet.

The house is so empty now and the weather has turned cold with grey skies.  It rained during the night.  Time is slipping by and it will be too soon before I leave my home here and return to Australia.  I still haven't sold my car which must be done before I leave, I still don't have a job which means I can't find my own home to live in until I do and there are still more goodbyes to said.  Needless to say, I feel a little anxious about the future and feel a bit emotionally vulnerable.   But, I know that God does understand all, does love me 'extravagantly' and He does know what I need. 

I went and checked emails this morning and smiled when I read this:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27 And then there was a quote from Sir Winston Churchill: When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened. In my grief, I understand that I do have to place today and my future into God's hands.  It's OK to cry, to be in pain, to feel like my heart is breaking, to wonder what normal is anymore and to wonder what is going to happen.  It's OK to grieve but I need to remember that God loves me far more deeply than I can imagine and that I am valuable to Him.  He is right here with me, carrying me, holding me, giving me all that I need and for all of that, I am so very thankful! Hey look!  The sun is trying to peep through the grey clouds.

Leaving Without My Whole Heart

Last night when I was lying in bed, I was looking out the window at the night sky, thinking about Dave, thinking about being home here and really not wanting to go back to Australia.  I know in my head that it's the practical thing to do and that I have to do it, but leaving here is like leaving my heart behind right now.  "Here" is where I placed all my heart, my things, my hopes and my dreams.  I left so much to be here.  I didn't burn bridges and I didn't cut my losses in Australia but I didn't expect to be going back there anytime soon without Dave.

On our first anniversary, (our red-neck anniversary) Dave said that it's hard to believe it's only a year when so much has happened.  He added that things can only get better because it was a really tough year for us.  Circumstances did not allow us to have a 'normal' first year of marriage, we barely had any time to just be newly weds and have fun with just the two of us.  There's a part of me that is resentful of the fact we didn't have newly wed memories.  We had good times and made some fun memories but it seems like we were often led by the circumstances rather than plotting our own course.... until the last couple of months anyway.

So last night as I looked around at all the stuff in my bedroom, 'counting' it, thinking about what I need to ship away, it hurt bad.  It's only 'things' but it represents so much more.  Although it's only been 52 days, 10 hours and 40 minutes, it's been a lifetime since Dave passed away.  The focus on these last weeks has been on getting our home ready for an Estate Sale and getting me ready to go back to Australia.  It doesn't seem like there's been enough time to just really sit and grieve for all that I've lost, grieve for my husband Dave. 

Maybe it has.  Maybe this is God's way of moving me forward and getting me ready for the next moment in my life.  I know that He does have a purpose for my life and I know that He directs my steps and leads me on.  Still, I have questions that don't have any answers.  I am glad for the assurance that He is the one carrying me through this time, I just wish that it didn't hurt so much and that there were certainties for this life that I could hold on to.

Well, guess it's time to go upstairs and attack the bedroom, sort it out, figure out what clothes to take, what clothes to give to charity, gather all the stuff that I will be shipping out and make sure I have everything I think I will want.  How do I know what I will miss when all is said and done?  I know that when I came here, there were some things I wish I hadn't given away and left behind.  I guess it will be the same this time too.

I procrastinate because it is all so overwhelming at times.