First Day of Aussie Summer 2011

The first day of Summer was the day it should be with blue skies, fluffy white clouds and a gentle breeze.  The mountains stood majestically behind the tall gum trees, butterflies flitted over the shrubs and magpies sang their pretty song.  In the distance a lawn mower could be heard and a chain saw too, people went about their daily business.  


Sometimes when I wake up, there is such a sense of loss and heartbreak that I barely want to get up and live. Tears fell freely today, as I drove to a small country town called Shepparton and at times, my vision was blurred.  I licked the salty taste of tears and dabbed at my eyes with my fingers so that I could continue driving.  I thought of pulling over but why would I stop?  And then, if I stopped, I doubted the tears would stop.  I tried to think of other things but like Gretel, my heart said, "Why don't I feel better?"  Except that I knew why.


I went to a bookstore and found a couple books that I had been looking for, that I will be able to use next Tuesday when I introduce myself to the class and when they respond likewise.  I am looking forward to teaching them and sharing with them the wonderful stories, pictures and even Maths equations, that will be ours for 2012.  I found books about bicycles, stories of Australian history that involved horses and even a big book of indoor and outdoor games that will remind me of the games I already know and teach me fun games that I can use with the students.  


I received a phone call from a real estate and I have a home which is only 1km (0.6 miles) from the school I'll be teaching at.  I'll be able to ride, walk or drive depending on my energy levels, the time I have and the amount of 'stuff', e.g. books, that I'll be carrying with me.  I am happy with the place and I will be moving in next weekend (9th & 10th Dec.) so I'll be able to be settled by Christmas and when my things arrive from the US, they will have a home to be unpacked in.


Why don't I feel better?

As I walked back to my car from shopping, I saw a saddle store and decided to walk in and 'smell' the leather of saddles, touch the bridles and admire the 'western' clothing.  I looked at the prices of a Wrangler shirt and decided that I already had enough western clothing and as the tears threatened again, I moved out of the store and almost, but not quite, ran to the car and drove back to the place I am staying at.  I still feel tired and drained.


I am thankful that everything is falling into place.  I am thankful for the new job and for my home.  I am thankful for the friends and family who are so encouraging, loving and supportive.  But even the expression "falling into place" irks me.  Dave and I wanted everything to fall into place for our life together.   While we were away for our first anniversary, we said that everything should be easier for us now because it had been tough!  We weren't to know then, that we'd only have 6 more weeks together.  

Yes, it's a good day but inside, my heart still aches for Dave.