To Belong

As I struggle to deal with my grief and try to process my thoughts on it all, I have to wonder was it worth all this heartache, to leave my country and friends here, to go and love Dave so deeply and become part of his life, his family and friends there and then be uprooted and brought back here.  The few good memories we shared are not ones that I can sit around the campfire and share with others.  We didn’t have many times in others’ company.  After the funeral, down at the park, when everyone got together, they (his children, brothers, sisters, parents and friends)  all had a shared history together. They shared lots of memories; camping, boating, parties, but even though I am his wife, I did not belong there and could not share in those memories.  The majority of the sympathy cards were addressed to Dave’s children and it was as though Dave didn’t have a wife… and for many of the guests, they didn’t know he had remarried.

I was reading a book called, “Out Stealing Horses” and I remembered how much I enjoyed riding and looking after my horse, Dee and Dave’s horse, Stormy.  That will never happen again.  I may ride again but not at home.  Home.  I don’t even know where ‘home’ is anymore.  I don’t feel like I belong here and apart from some very loyal friends who have welcomed me back into their life, I am alone.  Every day when I get up, I have to figure out how to get through the day.  I can’t just call around to the neighbour next door and honestly, I don’t want to go visiting people nor do I want to impose on my friends while I feel so emotionally incapacitated.  I know this is all part of grieving but it really hurts to be so alone, to have no one who I can just turn to and get comfort from and to have no one here who has even met Dave.  While I’m here, it feels like the last two years of my life, didn’t happen.

People have commented that my faith is strong and yet it is all I have.  Sometimes I wonder why I even hold on to that, except that it is the only certain thing in my life right now.   I read this morning 2 Cor. 4:7-18

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed.” (NIV v8)

“Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace.” (The Message v16)

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweigh them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (v17,18 NIV)

So, if you’re wondering how I’m doing, I’m not doing all that good but I know that one day I will get through this and maybe, I might even enjoy living again.