Christmas Day 2011

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
but, through our memories so dear..
We're never far apart.
I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior.......face-to-face.
I'll ask him to light your spirit
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I'll pray for 'One another'
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your heart be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I'm spending Christmas in heaven
and I'm walking with the King.


The above is the last part of a poem a friend posted on Facebook called, "I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year".

I know the feeling of being happy and yet sad, feeling loved by people here on this earth, yet missing Dave who is not here with me.  I feel like a part of me is missing, is aching for him but yet I keep trying to enjoy this Christmas as I spend it with my son Nathan and through technology, be with other loved ones.  I'm trying to convey to you, what it really feels like to do Christmas without Dave.  I smile but behind the smile is my thoughts of Dave.  I put on Christmas carols and as long as I keep talking with Nathan, as long as I don't stop and have time to think about Dave not being here, I am fine.  However, two minutes alone with my thoughts and I have to fight to hold back the tears.

Last Christmas, I gave Dave a remote controlled helicopter and he loved it!  The hat on Dianne's cowboy trinket got broken off and the helicopter itself crashed a couple of times but then he repaired it.  It wasn't supposed to be used in extreme temperatures and being below 50 degrees, and having snow, is 'extreme' according to the instructions.  We took it to Mom and Dad Flowers' home for New Years and he flew it there, too. 

So this Christmas is not the one I thought I would be having a few short months ago. There is a hole inside me that all the tinsel in the world, all the Christmas lights and presents can not fill.  I am thankful that Nathan spent time with me and that we had fun together.  Even though I don't have all his Christmas gifts yet, I gave him stuff that he finds useful and fun.  We even played a game of Krazy Bee Rummy and it was nice being able to cook him up delicious, Christmas food and to celebrate Christmas with him!

Well I guess I got through Christmas without eating too much plum pudding or chocolate ripple cake and without being a blubbering mess.  I am so thankful for those family and friends who made an extra special effort to be sensitive and loving with their words and actions on this Christmas day.  I  am thankful to those of you who expressed your love, knowing that this is not the Christmas I planned or wanted - You might have text messaged me, chatted to me on Skype or Facebook, sent me an email or a comment on Facebook.  Whatever way you used to encourage me, it was greatly appreciated.  Thank you.  I wish my Christmas could have been different but it was a good Christmas despite that.

I hope that you were able to have a Christmas filled with joy and wonder!