Ambulances Make Me Cry

This morning was another lovely summer's day so, as I needed to buy vanilla essence for the chocolate ripple cake I want to make, I decided to walk to the store again.  As I approached the intersection, an ambulance with flashing lights drove into my view.  I tried to avert my eyes but I kept watching it, hearing the siren as it went through a railway crossing and I watched it until I could no longer see it.  My eyes welled up with tears as I thought back to Dave going off in the ambulance, me following it in the car behind and when we arrived at the hospital, the doors of the ambulance were open.  I cried quietly and then wiped them with the back of my hand and proceeded to go buy vanilla essence, a cake server, chips, a plate to put the chocolate ripple cake on, milk and fresh bread.

Last night I was reading about the seven stages of grief:

1. Shock and denial.
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger  and Bargaining
4. "Depression", reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope

How long it takes anyone to go through those stages depends on a person and circumstances and probably other factors but there is no set time period and it's not like anyone can say, "Well, you should be over it by now".  For myself, I would love to be 'over it' but I can't deny the pain of losing someone I loved so very much.  I have also been counselled that I have to go through all these stages because it's the natural process to healing.

I think I am wavering between the third and fourth stage.  I can relate to what this person said about the fourth stage.

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

I know that no one really expects me to be over my grief already but maybe I put the pressure on myself to be 'over it' and when I face reality, I know that I am still hurting badly.  As I said to my sister-in-law Rhonda, whether I want to or  not, I have to go on with life.  Life doesn't stop for me and God obviously has a purpose for me to be alive or He would have taken me home, too.  Sometimes I wish He had but at the same time, I do enjoy life and I know that I will get through this and enjoy life again, and maybe even more, because of the richness that being with Dave added to me and who I am.

The thing is, that I am a people person so if I isolate myself on purpose, that is not a healthy thing for me.  At the same time, because I love socialising, I don't isolate myself for very long.  At this time in my life, I find it difficult to initiate visiting with others and I don't have the desire and motivation to go and visit others.  It's not that I don't care or don't want your company, it's more that I just want to be 'safe' inside my hidey hole, which for now, is my home.  I know that people think I am strong and I know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't want to be strong.  When it all comes down to it, the reason my faith is strong, is because all I have, all that is secure, all that is stable in my life, is Him. (God)  I could not do this on my own nor would I want to.  He is my Rock and my stronghold.

But I am lonely for Dave and miss him so much!!!!