Creation, Eternity and Life

I got categorised today as a ‘single woman’ and I balked because I am not single, I am widowed and as far as I’m concerned, it’s different.  Not better, just different.  And when I get to Heaven, Dave better have his running shoes on and be thankful for the new body he has, because he’s got some explaining to do and I’m not happy!  People often talk about how when they get to Heaven, there’s a few things they’re going to ask God, but not me!  I’ve got questions for Dave and some things I want to say to him!  Leaving me behind was not fair. 

I hate having to live alone without him and deal with the world on my own.  The little things that were second nature to him, are hard work to me and he should be here to fix those minor things.  When I’m trying to sleep at night, he should be beside me, holding me close and when I’m feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, he should be sitting beside me with his arm around me, not paying any attention, but just being there for me.  Well, OK, it would be nice if he paid some attention as long as he listened properly and didn’t jump to solutions when I only wanted to vent but I was trying to be realistic. J 

What is Heaven like anyway? Everyone has their views and theories and to me, even if someone claims to have died and come back, they still don’t know what Heaven is.  I know that there is no marriage, male or female in Heaven and I know there are no tears, sin or sorrow.  If that is the case, then I find it difficult to believe that Dave could be watching me down here and even if he could, it’s not going to cause him sorrow and I wonder if the temporal things of this world would matter anyhow.  But that’s just my opinion and when I die, I guess I’ll find out the truth.

Loved ones have encouragingly commented that God is working all things out for good for me, that I am surrounded by wonderful, kind, thoughtful people and that I am blessed to have all that.  Yes, thank you.  I know that’s true but on the other hand, I have to wonder why I couldn’t have had it all fall into place with Dave.  On the other hand, I feel like I deserve some goodness considering the pain and sorrow of being in this place of bereavement.  On the other hand, I would like to think that I have been there for others in the past, have been kind and giving, so that it’s nice to get ‘some back’.  On the other hand, I know that some people think we are not deserving of any goodness but I don’t believe that.  God is our Heavenly Father and all good gifts come from Him.  He wants us to have what we need and He loves us far more deeply and intensely than any ‘human’ can love us.

Actually I don’t have so many ‘other hands’. I really do only have two hands and I’m actually very right – handed so learning to play the piano was not accomplished by me.  I did teach myself to play guitar years ago, although not very well.  The other thing is, while I talk about what I ‘deserve’ because of having to deal with all this grief, I also reflect on Job and the fact that he didn’t deserve the sorrow that he received and when he finally had the gumption to ask God about it, God replied with,

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations?  Tell me now if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!  Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid the cornerstone – while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?...  Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?  Do they report to you, “Here we are.”? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?....

That is why I like walking on the sands along the ocean, or walking on trails that are marked by majestic trees, why I like watching the waves build up and break, the rain falling, the clouds dispersing and the blue of the sky spanning from East to West.  Those things are reminders that no matter how grand we think we are, there is a Creator God who put all those things into place and has the full control over it all and yet, we can crawl into His arms and be loved safely despite the thunderstorms around us.  It’s also a reminder that while this life seems to be interminably long, harsh and unforgiving, it really is only for a moment in the light of eternity and those things we hold so tightly here, are really nothing more than those grains of sand that we brush off our feet when we’ve finished walking barefoot along the ocean.

So now as I stop and think about all of that, the pain and grief that I’ve been dwelling on, the unfairness of it, the sorrow and how it’s been cloaked around me, has lifted a little bit and I can rest assured that I am in His loving hands.  Still, I guess it’s a timely reminder to love the ones you have here with you, make the most of every opportunity, because tomorrow, if a loved one leaves, all you have left are the memories you made today and the way their love (and yours) touched the person you have become.