Just One More Time... Please!

My heart yearns to hold Dave just one more time but I know that one more time, wouldn’t be enough.  If I knew it was the last time, I wouldn’t let go.  As his eyes held mine and the ambulance drove away on August 2^nd, I didn’t know it would be the last time I would look into his eyes.  If I had known what was ‘in store’ for me that night, would I have done anything differently? Hypothetical question to which there is no answer because what happened, happened and we can’t change that.   I do believe though, that had I known it was going to be the last time, I would have jumped up into that ambulance, clung to him, cried, told him I loved him and the paramedics would have had to forcibly remove me from him.

I have one of my favourite pictures of Dave on my computer desktop so that every time I turn the computer on, there he is looking at me as I took that photo.  I remember that day.  We walked down the hill along a track that he said was there but I couldn’t see but followed him anyway.  We walked down to the water’s edge and he told me where we were in relation to Spokane, Reardan etc.  He sat on the rocks and I sat beside him.  He threw rocks at a small container in the water, sometimes hitting it, but never breaking it open.  We watched a small row boat go past with a man, lady and their two children, who were preparing to fish.  Across the other side of the river, people were setting up their party on two or three boats.

Hiking back up that hill was hard work and it was a warm day but that is one of those memories that I’m glad we shared.  We liked to explore tracks along rivers, together.  It gave us time to talk but also time to just be.  Dave would point out the woodpecker’s marks in trees and he’d be the first to see the chipmunk running along the log, or the beaver playing in the shallow water.  He was the first to notice the rattlesnake and protectively put his hand out to keep me back, out of harm’s way. Dave had an eye for detail although he pretended not to notice things at times.

I remember one time when I was out shopping with my friend Wanda and she talked about me trying to ‘smuggle’ something into the house without Dave noticing and wear it on another occasion.  I laughed and told her that he would notice.  Even if he didn’t say anything, he would notice.  Like the time I’d bought new boots.  He didn’t say anything until one time I picked them up to show him and he admitted he’d seen them already.  And he wasn’t just saying that. 

When we were driving in Spokane, he asked me if there was anywhere I wanted to go and I suggested we go look at dressers and he replied, “Dresses?!!  You’ve got to be kidding!  There is no way, I’m going to look at dresses with you.”  I didn’t reply and after a few silent moments, he looked at me and laughed, “Oh did you mean dressers?  I thought you said dresses, as in ‘frocks’ …” Anyway, we both laughed and I told him that I wouldn’t ever subject him to look at dresses with me although on the other hand, he did have a good eye for colour and what looked good. 

Despite Dave’s air of confidence, he wasn’t as sure of himself as he liked to portray to others.  He was scared of rejection and didn’t really believe that I admired him as much as I did.  Until the last month or so of his life.  I miss Dave so much and he had so much to offer, not just to me, but to all the family and friends in his life.  He loved so deeply, even though he didn’t express it verbally very often.  He would give up anything to be there for his kids and grandkids, for his friends and family.  I wish that he had verbalised it more often to me but I’m thankful that he showed me in other ways and when I think back, even as I write these blog posts, I see the ways in which he tried to love me as best as he could.  I remember things he said that sometimes I didn’t understand and I wanted more.  Now I just want him back.  Just one more time… One more time that lasts for the rest of my life!