These thoughts are random and possibly irrelevant but it's all that I can blog about right now.
It's Christmas time so the parking at shopping centres is ridiculous, unless you're prepared to walk miles, which I am, because I have nothing better to do with my time, anyway. I'm not in a hurry and mostly have no real purpose so I walk slowly or quickly depending on my mood. My attention span in all things, is much less than it used to be before Dave passed away, so I don't really bother looking at the stores, especially if I don't have a specific purpose for being there. I will wander aimlessly up and down aisles, or walk past shops without doing much more than giving them a cursory glance. I brush away any thoughts of "That would be nice to buy..." and walk back to my car to go home.
At shopping centres, even though they have stores lining every square footage, there are now 'stalls' of extra shopping opportunities. Make up, fitness, charities, airbrushing and other assorted salespeople wait and as you pass by they jump out in front of you, shove a card at you, catch your eye and try to sell their product. When a lady tried to sell me make up, I pointed out that I don't wear much make up but she still wanted me to stop and spend some time with her. I had no desire to and finally after walking alongside me trying to engage me in further conversation, she gave up. On my way back, her partner tried to accost me and rudely interrupted my attempt to ignore her until the other lady told her that she'd already "tried" to sell their product to me.
Sometimes I feel like the main character in "Ground Hog Day". He wakes up every day and it's the same day. At first, he responds by trying to do outrageous stunts and does things like driving off the side of a cliff but no matter how bad the day, he still wakes up the next morning. Time passes and the novelty wears off and he pursues more virtuous activities and grows through the experience until he learns the value of love and sacrifice.
Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I want/ask God to take me to Heaven so I can be with Dave, because I don't want to live without Dave alongside me, God has plans for me to stay alive. So, like Phil, I wonder if maybe I am invincible, that whatever I do, I will still wake up the next morning and have to go through the day again. I know that eventually I will start enjoying life again and there are moments when I do, but so much these days, I just feel like the writer in Eccl. 1:14
I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
There are no mirrors in this house which is really unusual and I didn't even notice until after I had moved in and went to comb my hair. I bought a small mirror and set it on the wardrobe door handles as I can't find a place to put it in the bathroom yet, and I'm still waiting for permission to hang pictures and things up, from the landlord. Every time I look in the mirror, I cut off another stray bit of my fringe, which must have been hiding messily away when Karen cut it last week. I also notice that my hair is turning grey and I'm tempted just to let it go and not colour it as I usually do, since I don't have to look 'young/er' for Dave anymore. I also need to get it permed again as it's dead straight with no style. Dave preferred me with curly hair, although he didn't really mind either way. He figured it was cheaper for me to get it permed than for me to go to the hair stylist and have it curled. Once I told Dave that I got my hair done to impress him so now that he's gone, I don't seem to have the same motivation to get it done.
There are two main songs that keep going around in my head and are played frequently on the radio. The first one says,
I only miss you when I'm breathing
I only need you when my heart is beating
You are the color that I'm bleeding
I only miss you when I'm breathing
Without your love, don't know how I survive
Last Saturday I was having a bad day. I woke up missing Dave, my heart ached, my stomach was all in knots and I couldn't stop crying for very long. A friend called me and asked me if I felt I was depressed but I believe that this is all part of the grieving process. I am going to have days when I hurt badly, when I cry for Dave and as Christmas approaches, those feelings are going to be strong because there's so much emphasis on spending Christmas with loved ones and even Christmas songs are 'romantic'.
The other song that is played often is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger!" So, in all this, I am getting stronger, stronger! How nice.
Having read all of the above, you might think I'm melancholy and/or bitter but I'm not. I still have good moments and I do have a certain hope that I will get through this and be stronger and as I type that, I even managed a little smile. I have new friends at the school I'll be teaching at and one called late tonight to ask me if he can drop off a small washing machine tomorrow afternoon, for free. Today, I went and visited with my friend Fiona and was able to help her out a little as her car was being repaired. I enjoy her company.
Sometimes I feel bad for the company I keep because I don't have the same zest and enthusiasm that I once did and yet, I do want to be a blessing to others. A friend said to me the other day that I am a blessing to many and the thing is, I do want to encourage people in their journey while I walk this Garden Trail but I don't have the strength to give as much as I once did and sometimes I just want to receive. I know things will get better and I know that 'This too shall pass' as Mark Lowry says. This is my journey and everyone has been so supportive and encouraging towards me, yet it is still my journey which I have to walk through by myself. Keeping in mind that the Lord walks beside me and that He also provides others to walk with me at different moments. I know all this and I am thankful for those 'others': for my son, for his girlfriend, for my family (all over the world) and for my friends.. also all over the world. I am blessed to be loved by many and I am grateful.
But as I drove home tonight, I thought that the one person I really want to be held by and be comforted by, the one person who I want to cuddle with and share with, is the one person who, by his passing from this life, is the reason for my grief!
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