Only One Choice

The rain has eased off a little but every now and again, I can still hear thunder in the distance and the briefest flash of lightening.  I cannot sleep although I tried to refrain from drinking diet coke too much today so perhaps it’s because it’s warm in this room, that I’m kept awake.  Or could it be the swirling thoughts of happenings in the past, happenings today, snippets of songs I heard and words that I read in a book?  It seems to be typical that since I moved back to Australia, I do not sleep well on a Saturday night.

I played a game of cribbage (or more) on my computer.  Dave taught me to play cribbage online when we were new friends back in 1999.  I remember the first time we played in ‘real life’ in 2002, sitting in the kitchen and him winning the first game because I was unsure how to score.  When I won the 2^nd game, he decided that we’d played enough cribbage.  Dave liked winning and could be pretty ruthless.  One time we were playing scrabble online and he’d ask me how to spell a word and I naively told him.  He then used all his letters to get the bingo points with that word.  When I only had vowels left and told him, he then proceeded to block all the vowels and won the game by 2pts.  It was the first time he won against me and the last time he played that game with me.  

So now here I am back in Australia and this weekend I have moved into my new home as I begin a new job and a new chapter of my life.  This weekend, I was again moved to whinge that this is not fair! It is not fair that Dave is no longer alive and that I am living on my own, starting new things but so badly wishing I was with Dave.  Our short marriage wasn’t always easy and there were times that I got hurt and felt let down but I kept loving Dave and knew that we would get through it.  I knew that he loved me and we both knew there were issues that we needed to work through.  Whatever happened though, every morning before he went to work, we would hug each other tight and say “I love you”.  When he came home, I would go to him, wait for him to put his things on the kitchen counter, wait for the dog to finish greeting him and then hug him and tell him I was glad he was home and that I love him.

Not long before he passed away, I began reading a book called, “The Excellent Wife” and he saw it next to my bed one night and raised his eyebrows as he got into bed beside me.  His arm went around me and I snuggled into him and assured him that I wanted to be an excellent wife to him.  I wanted to know how to be the best wife I could be and love him in a way that honoured him.  It was around that time that he started to relax in my love and enjoy being loved by me.  He softened and had moments of gentleness, even apologising if he felt that he’d hurt me. I wish we could have had many more times of enjoying each other’s unencumbered love, for that’s what it was growing to be.

So, yes, once again I am battling the unfairness of this chapter in my life. I’m reading a book by Mary Beth Chapman called, “Choosing to See” and have been reminded of God’s grace and the fact that He has a purpose for my life.  It might not be my plan and sometimes the journey is painful and hard to bear but God brings good out of it.  When their daughter died in a tragic accident and people asked how they were, Mary Beth responded with:

     “I want Maria back.  I want my son Will Franklin not to have this as a chapter in his story.  I want my children to be healthy, my family to be secure.  I don’t care whose life has been touched or changed because of our loss!”

  A bit later she wrote,   “What I’ve found is that it’s in the most unlikely times and places of hurt and chaos that God gives us a profound sense of His presence and the real light of His hope in the dark places.”

I can so relate to both of those statements.  I want Dave back.  I don’t want this chapter in my life.  I don’t care whose life is touched or changed because of my loss.  And even when hope tries to push in to my heart, I try to push it away because I don’t want to care.  If I care, then I allow hope to ‘win’, and I have to move forward without Dave and live life trusting my Heavenly Father to bring good out of all this.  It’s unfair that I have to make a choice.  Choose life without Dave.  Choose to respond to the knowledge that my loving Father has another purpose for my life that doesn’t include Dave here. 

Kicking and screaming sometimes, that it’s still not fair, it’s the only choice I can make.  God knows my heart and He knows how much I love Dave but He keeps leading me onward -- Without Dave beside me but with the memories we shared, the love we had and the many ways he influenced who I am today.