Where, O Death, is Now Thy Sting...

I woke up today, knowing that it's been five months since Dave passed away and he's not coming back.  I reflected on a few of our sweet times together and came online and checked Facebook.  I found out that my step children's maternal grandmother had passed away and my heart broke for them.  I read the first post of my friend's blog site and she had written about the passing of a 42 year old man from her church, who has left behind a wife and 5 young children.

"Where O death, is now thy sting?"

I looked up the definition of sting: any sharp physical or mental wound, hurt, or pain.

The sting is left in the ones who are left behind when a loved one leaves this earth.

• The sting is in the young children who will grow up without a father, wondering why God chose to take him home before they even knew him.
• The sting is in the young adult, left to question his calling, his faith as he struggles without the wisdom and support of a father.
• The sting is in the wife who goes to bed and tries to sleep without her loved one holding her in his strong arms.
• The sting is in the grandchild who can not crawl up into her grandmother's lap and say, "Tell me another story, please, grandma."

The sting is forever embedded into their hearts and though they move on with life and although the observer may not see it, the sting is always there.

The sting causes the tears to fall and reminds us that this life is only temporary and we do not have control over when our loved ones will leave it.  The only thing we have control over is this moment and how we choose to live it. 

I received an email from a friend today and it summed up my thoughts well:

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware, beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

Not long ago I read a devotional thought that said, "If we measure life by breathtaking moments, we miss the wonder of ordinary moments....In fact, having breath is more miraculous than anything that takes our breath away."

I wish I could write profoundly like the 2 writers quoted above but then, I don't need to because they say it for me.  But it is as I have said time and time again, especially since Dave passed away, we do need to cherish those we love, make memories with them, love them with all we are and, I guess, dance in the rain.  Sing, even when the tears fall and there's a lump in your throat, laugh, even though you wish you could be sharing that laughter with your loved one as well and share your love out loud.  Say "I love you" as often as you can and hold their hand tight.  Don't take for granted the ordinary moments and be thankful for the quiet, predictable moments.  When you go to bed at night, reflect on the day and be thankful.  Don't end the day with any regrets that you could have prevented.

If all of the above sounds like "too much", then take a step and be thankful, for that is all it is.  Right now I am remembering the steps that Dave and I took together through the woods.  As we walked through the woods around the corner of his parents' home back in October 2009, I knew then that I was in love with Dave and wanted to share the rest of my life with him.  He led the way through the woods and I limped behind him as I had fallen at the start of our trek. He took the photo of me.  We talked a lot, we shared and my heart was full of love for this man, leading me down the garden trail.  I do not have any regrets about my life with Dave.  I only wish we could have shared more moments, ordinary and special, together.

The Last Day of 2011

The last day of 2011 began with warm sunshine, the bluest of blue skies and was quiet apart from the hum of the air conditioners and a car passing by every  now and again.  Saturday mornings when I was growing up always seemed different to the weekdays but these days, one major difference is the lack of children's voices filling the streets as they play cricket out on the road or hide n' seek and other neighbourly games. 

As I walked to the supermarket intent on getting some cleaning products for my 'new' furniture, I noticed that the barriers on the roundabout were all mangled and only a few feet away, on the corner naturestrip near the old people's home, was the front panel of a white car.  The fence man stood at his gate and decided I was a likely candidate to complain to, since there had been 13 accidents there in the last year or so and the *&^$#%* council don't take any notice that the "*^&$*#*" roundabout is too small, not visible enough and "Mark my words!  There's going to be a fatality there any day now and then they might take notice. "  As I kept walking, he kept talking and kept asking me to agree with him and I quickened my pace.  Following the trail of glass on the road for about 50 feet or more (I really don't know how to measure in feet) was the rest of the car, parked awkwardly, partly on the naturestrip and partly on the road.  On my way back, green shirt man standing on the corner of the roundabout tried to engage me in conversation about the accident at 1am that day and also pointed out the burnt patch of grass that had happened a week before when a car had been burnt out.  I told him about the 'Detective Vehicle' label on the white car up the road and continued my walk, not daring to look behind to see if he was following me. 

At home, I unpacked the plastic bags (I forget to take the recycling bags) and took out the plethora of cleaning products.  The BBQ got scrubbed down and is almost ready to use, except that I forgot to get the gas bottle that went with it.  I packed a couple things in my overnight bag and headed west to visit my friends Ron and Donna as I was spending New Years Eve with them.  It was a good drive down although I stopped at one stage to make sure I was going the right way, as it seemed too easy.  Reassured, I arrived at their place in time to eat a fresh, warm oliebollen that Ron had just served up! Mmmmm!  So good!

Down at the foreshore, the water was the bluest of blue and sailing boats lazily moored around.  We walked.  We walked some more.  Donna wanted to know why Ron had parked so far away from our destination but Ron just grinned and we kept walking.  Ron went to buy some fish n' chips while the boys took part in the free activities provided for by the council. 

Sometimes I think it would be so nice to be a child, to be unfettered by life's concerns, to be able to run along a brick wall, jump off into the green grass below and talk to Tubby the Robot as 'he' pushed along a pram with a baby robot in it.

Ron came back with 2 servings of chips that had cost $14 and taken almost an hour to get.  He told stories of customers setting up their chairs to wait and a man in a black suit taking cash out of the till to keep the would-be burglars at bay.  There were lots of ice-cream trucks in the area but not many foodstalls so that fish n' chip store took it's time and charged more than they should have. People grumbled but they wanted to eat chips.

We headed to their friends' house where a small fire was burning in the centre of the arranged seating and I made some new friends while mosquitoes found my unprepared ankles and feasted on my blood.  Ron cooked more oliebollen so, being the good friend I am, I ate as much as I could fit in... which would have been less if the fish n' chip shop had been more generous in their servings.  When it was almost 12, the group of us walked up to the corner to watch the fireworks that were a few miles below at the beach.  The countdown began and the fireworks lit the sky.  My heart broke like the shattered lights of fireworks and the tears fell.  Last year, I saw the new year in with Mom Flowers, we watched the fireworks on TV while Dave snored in the seat beside me, with the blanket over us to keep us warm and the heater turned up high.  This year, the start of a new year, I stood on the corner, alone, but surrounded by friends, watching fireworks at the end of a very warm day.

What will the new year hold?  I have no idea.  I have no idea where I will be next year and I don't even try to predict what I'll be doing tomorrow.  As I looked through some photos of 2011 today, I saw that I had done a lot and shared a lot with my beloved, Dave.  The last 5 months without him have been incredibly difficult, more than I could even describe, although I have attempted to, in this journey of my life since then. 

I am thankful for the love and support of my family and friends which has amazed me at times, that they would be so kind.  I know that God does have my future in His hands.  Last night, after we were back at Ron and Donna's, we sat and reflected on what I'd been through and the fact that I am back in Australia and it was hard not to shake my head and wonder why I am in this place and what God had in store for me.  But, this afternoon, as Donna shared about what was on her heart, she reminded me of the verse from Ps. 139:16

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be. "

None of us knows what tomorrow will bring, today is a gift so we need to make the choice to honour God with the way we live and the way we love and treat others.  I loved Dave, I love Dave and I am glad that I had the privilege of being his wife and being able to love him in a way that he hadn't been loved before.  I am glad that his last day with me was one of tenderness, intimacy and acceptance of our love together.

I miss him.

Getting Things Done

Well today turned out to be a good day in that I got a lot of things done and even though I didn't get much sleep last night, I had enough energy to keep me going until a normal bedtime.  I did finish reading my book last night though. These are the things I achieved today:

1. Washed the dirty dishes and put them away when they were clean and dry.
2. Checked my US bank account and noticed a problem, so called them and talked to Virginia who misses me and was happy to hear from me and who, will of course, sort out my problem for me.  Called the US Insurance company who made the mistake.  I now understand why  Dave thought she 'embellishes' the truth and will say whatever she can to cover up her own mistake.  I talked to Dan and Rhonda about it so they can follow it up for the Estate concerns.
3. Returned my faulty modem to the store and got it set up again when I got home - although I still have to call about the wireless which was the problem last time.
4. Went to the bank and deposited some American bills I had.  It felt weird when I was handing over the money though - sorta like I was giving part of my life with Dave away.
5. Went to KMart to return the handmixer that doesn't work. There was a long line of people waiting to return or exchange products, after the Christmas rush and only one person serving those customers.  The lady serving said the handmixer looked like it had been dropped and looked accusingly at me.  I told her that I did not drop it and she refunded the money but you could tell she didn't believe me.  There were absolutely NO handmixers left for sale so I still have the refund voucher.
6. Went to Coles supermarket to buy some milk and diet coke.  Bought that and a packet of jam donuts.
7. Talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype which is always good.  Mom was wearing her new pjs and new, fluffy, comfortable, soft robe.  (I'm not sure she would have wanted me to share that - but oh well.)
8. Did the washing, hung it on the line and brought it back in when it was dry, folded it and put it away.
9. Played a few turns of "Words With Friends" on Facebook, against my good friend Sonya.  I think she's better than me, she thinks I'm better than her but we know we are an even match.  Nathan's logical reasoning on why we think the other is 'better' is because we're not used to losing so when we do lose, it comes as a surprise... or something like that.  Maybe Sonya could elaborate on that.
10. Talked to my friend Donna who is an absolute angel and very generous towards me.  I don't even know what I have done to be treated so kindly by her. 

I had a problem and mentioned it in passing to Donna that I needed to figure out a way to get some furniture from my sister's house and bring it back here to my home.  I was thinking of hiring a van and waiting until Nathan was available, even though I could not really afford the extra funds it would take.  Anyway, Donna said "Hold on.... Wait!!" and then figured out a way that she and her husband could help me out.  I am so thankful and that's one less stress for me.

She has also insisted that I go and stay at their place on New Years Eve because she doesn't want me being alone that night. She doesn't think it would be good/healthy for me.  She just keeps giving and looking for ways to show me practical support and kindness. Wow!

Then, on New Years Day, I get to spend some time with my friend Carolyn.  (A)

I am so thankful for the friends I have over here.  I honestly don't know how I would survive if I wasn't loved so much!  They are amazing!

To top the day off, I went for a ride on my bike.  I found out that this area isn't so flat after all and when I ride for about 5 minutes, there are some hills that are challenging to my gear changes.  I hope my son Nathan and his girlfriend will bring their bikes over so we can go riding together some time.  It's fun!  I really enjoy riding my bike, once I am on it however, the motivation to take the lock off, put my helmet on, take the bike out and ride doesn't always come with the intentions. But I rode my bike for about 40 minutes tonight and it was good. Maybe I will ride again tomorrow.

Thank you for your prayers and support.  It really helps to know that people are doing what they can to show love and kindness towards me at this difficult time. Thank you.

Only One Choice

The rain has eased off a little but every now and again, I can still hear thunder in the distance and the briefest flash of lightening.  I cannot sleep although I tried to refrain from drinking diet coke too much today so perhaps it’s because it’s warm in this room, that I’m kept awake.  Or could it be the swirling thoughts of happenings in the past, happenings today, snippets of songs I heard and words that I read in a book?  It seems to be typical that since I moved back to Australia, I do not sleep well on a Saturday night.

I played a game of cribbage (or more) on my computer.  Dave taught me to play cribbage online when we were new friends back in 1999.  I remember the first time we played in ‘real life’ in 2002, sitting in the kitchen and him winning the first game because I was unsure how to score.  When I won the 2^nd game, he decided that we’d played enough cribbage.  Dave liked winning and could be pretty ruthless.  One time we were playing scrabble online and he’d ask me how to spell a word and I naively told him.  He then used all his letters to get the bingo points with that word.  When I only had vowels left and told him, he then proceeded to block all the vowels and won the game by 2pts.  It was the first time he won against me and the last time he played that game with me.  

So now here I am back in Australia and this weekend I have moved into my new home as I begin a new job and a new chapter of my life.  This weekend, I was again moved to whinge that this is not fair! It is not fair that Dave is no longer alive and that I am living on my own, starting new things but so badly wishing I was with Dave.  Our short marriage wasn’t always easy and there were times that I got hurt and felt let down but I kept loving Dave and knew that we would get through it.  I knew that he loved me and we both knew there were issues that we needed to work through.  Whatever happened though, every morning before he went to work, we would hug each other tight and say “I love you”.  When he came home, I would go to him, wait for him to put his things on the kitchen counter, wait for the dog to finish greeting him and then hug him and tell him I was glad he was home and that I love him.

Not long before he passed away, I began reading a book called, “The Excellent Wife” and he saw it next to my bed one night and raised his eyebrows as he got into bed beside me.  His arm went around me and I snuggled into him and assured him that I wanted to be an excellent wife to him.  I wanted to know how to be the best wife I could be and love him in a way that honoured him.  It was around that time that he started to relax in my love and enjoy being loved by me.  He softened and had moments of gentleness, even apologising if he felt that he’d hurt me. I wish we could have had many more times of enjoying each other’s unencumbered love, for that’s what it was growing to be.

So, yes, once again I am battling the unfairness of this chapter in my life. I’m reading a book by Mary Beth Chapman called, “Choosing to See” and have been reminded of God’s grace and the fact that He has a purpose for my life.  It might not be my plan and sometimes the journey is painful and hard to bear but God brings good out of it.  When their daughter died in a tragic accident and people asked how they were, Mary Beth responded with:

     “I want Maria back.  I want my son Will Franklin not to have this as a chapter in his story.  I want my children to be healthy, my family to be secure.  I don’t care whose life has been touched or changed because of our loss!”

  A bit later she wrote,   “What I’ve found is that it’s in the most unlikely times and places of hurt and chaos that God gives us a profound sense of His presence and the real light of His hope in the dark places.”

I can so relate to both of those statements.  I want Dave back.  I don’t want this chapter in my life.  I don’t care whose life is touched or changed because of my loss.  And even when hope tries to push in to my heart, I try to push it away because I don’t want to care.  If I care, then I allow hope to ‘win’, and I have to move forward without Dave and live life trusting my Heavenly Father to bring good out of all this.  It’s unfair that I have to make a choice.  Choose life without Dave.  Choose to respond to the knowledge that my loving Father has another purpose for my life that doesn’t include Dave here. 

Kicking and screaming sometimes, that it’s still not fair, it’s the only choice I can make.  God knows my heart and He knows how much I love Dave but He keeps leading me onward -- Without Dave beside me but with the memories we shared, the love we had and the many ways he influenced who I am today.

Being A Part of Dave's Family

I was talking to my friend, Sonya today when we talked about me being a part of Dave's family.  I miss them so much and sometimes I wonder if they fully comprehend just how much I belong to them.  I acknowledged to her that Dave is so much a part of who I am today and therefore his family is mine, too.  Sonya replied, "Yes - and you can't set aside your "Flowers" side. It would be like amputating a limb or something" and I said more accurately, "Or taking out my heart" and if you know me or have gotten to know me through my 'journey', then you will know that what I say is true.

I'm chatting to Dave's brother, Bob while I write this and in reply to his comment that I am part of their family, loved by each of them and prayed for daily, I said, "I miss everyone so much and feel so far away from you all.  I love you all so much and yes, I miss Dave like crazy.  Death is so final and I'm crazily in love with him and yet he's out of reach."  The times I chat with them on Skype, on the phone or in emails, just makes me miss them more, but it's good too.  It's bittersweet because it's because of love and being family that it hurts to miss them.

Anyway, I was also discussing with my friend Wendy today about some of the 'minor' changes that have happened to me because of my time in the States.  Simple vocabulary things like:

Purse = Handbag.  When I was in the States, I kept calling the 'purse' a handbag, now that I'm back in Australia, I keep calling my handbag a purse.

Gas = Petrol   I keep saying that I need to get gas.  On a side note, I'd forgotten that here, we pay AFTER we fill it up and we go inside to pay, not on the bowser outside.  Also, the petrol cap is not attached to the car so, I have to remember to put it back on before I drive off.

Driving on the other side of the road - When I first started driving on the right hand side of the road, I had to concentrate especially when turning left, and look forward to see where the lane was that I was driving into.  Now, when I am going to my car, I have to quickly look inside the car to see what side the steering wheel is on to make sure I go to the right side of the car.

Miles vs Kilometres - When Nathan and I were test driving cars, I kept checking to see how many miles it had done and Nathan kept reminding me that "we use 'kilometres', mum."

Mobile Phone= Cell Phone - Often catch myself saying "cell phone" instead of mobile phone.  At least it's quicker to write/type cell phone than the other way.

Clothes/Prices - When I first walked into a store (shop - I am still finding it hard to say shop instead of store), I was dismayed by the prices of clothes and the quality of the clothing for those prices.  I had forgotten the difference.

These are just a few of the things I am having to readjust to again.  It just surprises me when I catch myself rethinking things that I thought were second nature to me.  One time when Dave and I were driving, he got upset at me because I had gotten the number of the address wrong. (I hadn't - he had misheard) and I went quiet rather than argue with him.  A few minutes later, he apologised and said that he forgets that not everything that is second nature to him, is like that for me and that I've had to make changes that he isn't aware of. 

So many thoughts I have and right now the season is for me to wait and be patient and take a step at a time.  It's the season for me to grieve but also for me to figure out who I am, what my priorities are now and what kind of life I am going to live.  All too soon I will get busy again when I have a job so I need to be able to just use this time to reflect, refresh and heal.  I sometimes try to jump ahead and find out something way down the track but I have to be content with what is now.  Like I read today, "Can I, in my circumstances, "hope in the Lord"? Can I wait in faith and patience without fretting and without questioning God's wisdom? Can I trust Him while He  works in me His good, acceptable and perfect will?.....  I am unable to undertand all that God is doing in me and it is impossible to try."

Today I went driving with one of my good friends (I am very blessed to have quite a few) and I was able to take more photos of the beach.  It will be so nice when I finally get an SLR camera. 

P.S.  If some of my blog posts seem repetitive, maybe it's just because it's constantly on my mind or something... No apology from me. :)

Waves

Sometimes I feel like I am on a boat that's being tossed about on the ocean.  When I am riding the waves high, the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, it feels good to be alive but when there are the moments when the boat is diving into the deep, swirling sea, I hold on, hoping I won't drown, wondering what the next wave will be like.

An example of a high wave: I bought myself a car that I pick up on Monday.  It's a Toyota Rav 4, 2002 with only 53,000kms on it.  About 5 years ago, when I first spotted a Rav 4, I wanted to have it but since I already had a decent car, I didn't get it.  I am very excited to be getting an AWD Rav 4.  I did think about getting a Ute, like a Navaro or Colorado and then I was going to settle for a hatchback that I could throw my bike in but the hatchback was too small, the sedan wasn't easy to throw my bike in and the ute was out of my price range.  The Rav is just right!!!!

Today, Nathan, Melanie and I went to a few stores in this small country town.  I saw Tony who commented that he hadn't seen me in a while and asked where I had been.  Being an acquaintance I replied, "Living in the States".  "Half yer luck, what were you doin' there?"  "Teaching, riding horses...."  "That would have been interesting!"  I kept walking.  Said hi to Heather who knew a bit more information about me but when she asked if I was just here for a vacation, I had to let her know that Dave had passed away.  I saw Wendy M who already knew and was just happy to see me, then got 'swamped' by the Wilson kids who are about my age. Got hugged and invited back to their dad's 82nd birthday party so went home, spent some time with Karen and Mikaela after Nathan and Melanie had gone, then walked around to the Wilson's. 

On my way there, I was thinking about things, as I do and thought about if it was any other family, I wouldn't be dropping in.  I again thought about how much I wish Dave was here so I could share all this with him and then had to distract myself from getting all teary and upset.  They were all so happy to see me and as usual, I felt right at home.  The boys treat me like their kid sister as they always have done and Jill and I are similar in so many ways.  When Michael playfully punched me in the arm and I complained to his mum, she replied, "You're big enough to look after yourself!"  On my way home it began raining but it was only a few drops.

There are so many people in my life, so many good friends who are kind and thoughtful and who accept me and love me for who I am.   When I was walking through town the other day, I was at times, furtively looking around to see if any of the 'gossipers' were around, then realised that I have nothing to be ashamed of and gossipers are going to be in any small town but they are the minority. 

Every night when I lie in bed alone, I think about Dave and think about how nice it used to be to sleep in his arms, listen to him snoring beside me and just feel him next to me.  Every morning when I wake up alone, I wonder what the day is going to hold and even wonder why I bother getting up.  I get up because I know I have to and because I know if I don't, there are family and friends who will make sure I do because they love me.  I am thankful that God has given me the kind of friends and family who do all they can to help me through this time.  I am thankful for their love and kindness. 

I am thankful but even so, I wish I wasn't alone and wasn't having to share my 'story' about being widowed.  I wish Dave and I could go riding and camping together and make lots more memories together.  But see now? I am diving down into the wave and I need to take hold of one of those life buoys/rings and rise to the surface.  It doesn't matter if I don't make it to the top of the wave right now, but I do need to make sure I don't get sucked down so far that I can't find my way back up to the surface again.

Mark Lowry sings a great song called, "Nothing to Prove"

".....Said it's OK to make mistakes, just don't get stuck in yesterday.

Forgive, forget and move ahead, cause life is what you make of it.

"Saying live with no excuses,

And love with no regrets.

Laugh a lot

Leave this life with nothing left unsaid

Make this world a better place

And don't be afraid to cry,

So when it's finally time to say goodbye

You've nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide.

You said live your life with passion

Give it all you've got

Dream big dreams then pay the price

And you'll come out on top

Don't measure life by what you have

But what you are inside

When it's finally time to say goodbye,

You've nothing to prove, nothing to lose, nothing to hide.

Dave's Family are My Family

Forgive yourself: for being angry or disappointed with others, including the one who died and left you; for being powerless to have prevented the loss; for everything you wish you had or hadn’t done.  # 9 “Grief Therapy” edited by Karen Katafiasz.

It’s raining, it’s pouring and it’s dark outside.  I’m sitting in the living room with Mom while Dad loads the dishwasher.   The clock has just chimed 8 o’clock and is now ticking away the time I have left here.  I said goodbye to Dan and Rhonda today.  Mom says, “Don’t say goodbye.  It’s too final” so I change it to “fare well”.   No words can truly convey how much they mean to me and how utterly thankful I am for their support, love and friendship.  Dave and Dan were not just brothers, they were best friends and even before I knew Dan, I loved him for being the brother that he was to Dave.

Funny thing is, when I met Dan two years ago, we had both heard of each other from Dave and now were face to face, checking each other out, I guess.  Dan later told Dave that I was more sensible than he thought I would be.  I asked Dave if that was because Dave had given him that impression from the words he had used to describe me or if it was because Dan didn’t think anyone could like Dave so much and be that sensible. 

Dan told me last week, “Either she loved him very much or she had no sense”.  I’m glad he realised it was the former. 

The heater warms the livingroom and mom brings my phone over to me as I had left it on the kitchen table.  When I came here with Dave two years ago, Mom said, “And who are you??!!” Two years ago when I was here for Dad’s 90^th birthday, Dave and I hadn’t really made public our relationship because we were still working through our own issues of what we meant to each other.  On the Sunday afternoon, Dave and I went for a walk through the woods, just the 2 of us and it was on that walk that I knew that I loved Dave and wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.  As I walked behind him on that narrow trail, I wondered what he would say if I proposed to him but I didn’t propose because I wanted him to figure it out on his own.

I loved mom and dad from that weekend on.  I admired their faith, I admired them for having been married for more than 60 years and having brought up 6 children.  I laughed when I heard stories about the way the kids had grown up.  I listened to the beautiful music that Brent, Denise and their sons, mom and Dan made on Sunday morning church.  I felt a part of this family even before I was a part of this family.

Dad just walked past pushing his Cadillac walker and asks Mom,”Whatcha doing there, hon?” and I watch and listen, thankful to be a part of this family.

Tomorrow Dad and Mom will drive me to the bus stop so that I can get a shuttle bus to the airport.  We don’t know when we’ll see each other again.  As I type, we eat the Lindt Lindor Truffles that Dan and Rhonda gave me.  Yummy!

There will be tears tomorrow but the tears of parting are worth the love we all share.

Thank you Lord for this family I belong to.  Thank you for the love that we share, the love that binds us together through the good times and tough times, the love that will keep on going as we keep on going.

Good Grief

I was thinking today that 'grief' isn't bad.  It is a natural process of dealing with loss.  If we didn't grieve, then we haven't lost anything to grieve about.  But the thing about grief is that it's so entwined with our emotions, with reality and with our memories, that it becomes unpredictable... which is why we are counselled not to make any major decisions in the first year of our grief. ☺ The problem with that counsel is that life goes on and we must go on too.

Since Dave passed away, (55 days, 14 hours and 20 minutes ago) my grief has led me in different directions, twisting and pulling at my heart, making me worry about one thing, causing me to misunderstand good intentions, jumbling up words when I speak, feeling happy, sad, hurt, lost, empty, hopeful.......and there are even times I feel like I am coping well.  Coping well gives a false sense of security because then I think I've got it all under control and I'm 'good to go'.  While I'm coping well, I have a hint of guilt because I wonder if that means I've moved on since Dave has gone and didn't love him as deeply as I thought.  

On the weekend, I was working on the clothes in the closet, both Dave's and mine, trying to figure out what I should keep, pack and what I should throw away.  I was sitting on the floor folding clothes and feeling like I was coping well despite the circumstances.  Dan (Dave's brother) had found my Keith Urban CD tucked away in the office so was playing it to see if it still worked.  I was enjoying the music and then the song that Dave and I used to walk on our wedding day, came on, "Only You Can Love Me This Way".

Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand

That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way

Well, so much for coping well.  Even now when I read those words again, tears start rolling down my cheeks. 

And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way

The problem is, when it all becomes too much, he isn't here.  I cried.  I walked down to the pasture to nuzzle with the horses but I walked slowly and the tears blurred my vision so instead I sat on a rock and cried some more.  On my way back to the house, I saw that the horses had gone into the corral, so I took Dave's horse Stormy and groomed her, combed her mane and her tail and when I was done, went back inside the house and sorted out some more of the closet.

The house is so empty now and the weather has turned cold with grey skies.  It rained during the night.  Time is slipping by and it will be too soon before I leave my home here and return to Australia.  I still haven't sold my car which must be done before I leave, I still don't have a job which means I can't find my own home to live in until I do and there are still more goodbyes to said.  Needless to say, I feel a little anxious about the future and feel a bit emotionally vulnerable.   But, I know that God does understand all, does love me 'extravagantly' and He does know what I need. 

I went and checked emails this morning and smiled when I read this:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27 And then there was a quote from Sir Winston Churchill: When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened. In my grief, I understand that I do have to place today and my future into God's hands.  It's OK to cry, to be in pain, to feel like my heart is breaking, to wonder what normal is anymore and to wonder what is going to happen.  It's OK to grieve but I need to remember that God loves me far more deeply than I can imagine and that I am valuable to Him.  He is right here with me, carrying me, holding me, giving me all that I need and for all of that, I am so very thankful! Hey look!  The sun is trying to peep through the grey clouds.

I Wanted To Tell Dave Today

I missed Dave again today which is not a surprise I know, but I missed him not being/coming home.  I worked at the Christian school today and had such a good time, as I always do when I work there.  The staff are so friendly and even the children enjoy me teaching them.  When I have worked there other times, Dave has always enjoyed me sharing with him stories about the kids and about the staff.  He was always pleased that I felt affirmed for my work there and he was glad that I felt a part of the school.

I wanted to tell him about:

• The girl in kindergarten who wanted her 'sanitizer'.  He would have laughed about that - so different to the world we grew up in.
• The boy in 2nd grade who kept spilling his water from the water bottle on his desk.  He couldn't find the lid so I moved the bottle to a safer place until he did find the lid.
• The 4th grade children who cheered when they found out that I would be in their classroom tomorrow and they wanted to know if I would be bringing the koala in or if I would be bringing some Aussie music in.  (I must hunt to see if I can unpack something) When their teacher told them I was going back to Australia, they asked if "Mr Flowers" would be going with me, so she had to explain about him passing away..
• The boy in 5th grade who kept saying, "G'day".

I wanted to tell him about how all the staff seemed so happy to see me and gave me hugs, how Shelley had to come and find me because I was a few minutes late for her class due to a couple of the other staff members who wanted to hear bits and pieces of my story, how Heidi had given me such a wonderful reference, how a few of the ladies will be coming out to my place on Sunday for a girls-only party.  I can picture the smile on his face when he heard those things.

I wanted to tell him about how I stayed at Janice's and Darwin's and how Darwin had wanted to pick his brain about something but then he'd gone and passed away and we missed that opportunity, that I had downloaded Skype for Janice so that we could stay in touch when I returned to Australia and that Darwin wanted me to read a devotional book so we could compare notes via Skype.

I wanted to tell him how both attorneys had been so good and supportive to me and one had even told me that he prayed for me daily. 

I wanted to tell him how Maurine had helped me figure out a 'plan of attack' for the days leading up to the Estate Sale and how she'd given me some very practical ideas and how much her friendship has meant to me.....

I wanted to tell him so much!  I wanted to really tell him how blessed we are in the friendships we have here in our little niche in this world.  When I came home Riley came bounding towards me and the neighbour who had looked after him the night before came and checked up on me, too.   It has been so incredible to me to discover how loved I am, how many wonderful, loving people have embraced me at this grieving period in my life.  If I haven't mentioned your name here, it doesn't mean that your name hasn't crossed my heart - it has more than a time or two.  But right now, I just wish Dave was home so I could tell him all these things.  But then, if he was home, I wouldn't be online typing at this time of night when I really need to go to bed because I am working tomorrow... and I'm looking forward to that!

Snippets Of Dave and Me

A couple of days before Dave passed away, we were sitting on the loveseat recliner, his arm around me, talking about Dianne's wedding that was supposed to be on the 6th August.  I said to him that this will be our first 'official' function as husband and wife and as well, we were going to be Father and Mother of the bride.  He commented that there will be a few people there that won't even know him, let alone, us.  It was nice just talking about things like that, together.   A lot of people didn't know Dave and me as an "us" and one of the things that sort of twinged a little, was when sympathy cards were sent to the Flowers Family and it was all about who Dave was as a dad and quite a few didn't even mention his wife.

So anyway, I thought I'd give a few little anecdotes about Dave and me... us.  Unfortunately for the first six months of our marriage, Dave was a long haul driver so he would be gone 5-10 days and then be home for maybe 48 hours if we were lucky and most of that time he would be catching up on sleep.  When he was on the road, he called me every day, a few times a day and he would push hard so that he could get home as soon as he could.  Of course, with all the pushing hard, he was tired when he got home and his employer would take advantage of the fact he worked so quickly and efficiently and send him out again as soon as possible.  That frustrated Dave a lot and it got so that he would be feeling nauseous every time he had to leave for work.  It was so much better when he got the new job this year and was home mostly every night.

Whenever Dave was talking to people, he would rarely think to introduce me.  He always assumed that I had been around for ever, or so it seemed,so they would know who I was.   I told him once, it was safer to assume that I didn't know anyone.  One day after a basketball match in Reardan, he was talking to someone who I had never met before so I gave a little tug on his hand, a gentle kick to his ankles and he laughed and told them what I had done and introduced me.  He said to them that he had forgotten that I didn't know them.

A few weeks later, we were in the Spokane arena talking with a group of people after the match and Dave actually introduced me to Gary.  He was so proud of himself which made me smile.  He talked/laughed about it with Gary and congratulated himself on remembering.  We moved away from that group and talked to another person but I had to introduce myself because he was so excited about remembering the last time, he forgot this time. 

Because Dave and I had both been married before, because I was from Australia and from a completely different lifestyle, there were lots of adjustments we had to make and even more so for me.  I found it frustrating that I was trying to adjust to a new lifestyle without even having the support and presence of my husband.  He was so used to this lifestyle, that everything was second nature to him and he would forget that I didn't know some things.   Anyway, one time when he'd growled at me for something, I went for a walk down towards the back of the pasture and I sat down in the shrubs and prayed out loud to God and cried.   I can still picture Dave who came to me, with his coffee mug in his hand and said to me, "Does talking to yourself help?"  He then added kindly, "It's hard for both of us.  It's hard to figure out why on earth we got married, isn't it?"  I looked up at him and said that I knew for sure why I married him and wanted to spend the rest of my life being with him and loving him.  Dave looked at me and responded something to the effect then, "Well guess it's all good then" and I got up and together, hand in hand, walked back to the house talking about all sorts of other things. 

But for Dave, accepting my unconditional love, having me believe in him and accept him for who he was, having me look up to him was very difficult for him to really believe because of the bitter divorce he'd had, because of other rejection he'd suffered over the years - some of that through his own poor choices.  He told his brother Dan a couple of weeks before he passed away, that he was terrified of how much he loved me because he didn't see what he had to offer, or why I would love him.  But Dave always knew that I loved him even if he couldn't understand it.

On a Sunday afternoon, the kitchen tap had been steadily dripping so Dave took it all apart, after we'd been to Lowes for parts and worked on fixing it.  He admitted he hated plumbing and as he took the handle apart, also confessed that he'd never done that before.  I stood there admiring him and telling my son Nathan, how incredible Dave was.  I looked sideways at Dave and could see a little smile and twinkle in his eye as he lapped up the praise I gave him.  He knew I was genuine in my admiration of him.  Even when he did something wrong under the sink and water gushed over his head and shoulders a little later, he almost shrugged it off, because he felt pleased about having been able to fix it.

One time Dave and I went into Lowe's Hardware and there were wheelchairs to the right and motorized chairs to the left.  Dave said that he would sit in one of them and have me push him around the store, then he noticed the motorized ones and said they would work better.  I told him laughingly that he really would prefer me to push him around so that he could order me around, "Go faster! Turn left! Turn right!  Go this way!  Why did you go that way?"  We both thought it really funny.   What wasn't funny was that the day after Dave passed away, I went to the airport to pick up his son James and his family and I saw the wheelchairs there at the entrance and thought about how Dave and I had joked about it.  It was kind of bittersweet.

Dave was not good at expressing himself out loud but he had ways of "telling" me what he could not say.  We were watching a chick flick one night.  I can't remember the name of it.  As usual, we were sitting on the recliner, cuddling, and the girl gently requested the guy to tell her how he really felt.  I was sitting there thinking about how sweet that was and how nice it would be to hear Dave say those things when I felt him pull me a little tighter to himself and when I looked at him, he was looking at me, smiling and squeezed my shoulder.

Dave and I loved cuddling when we were lying in bed and he would always hold me tight throughout the night.  Sometimes though, I would try to just get a little more space and would inch away.  Even while he was sleeping, he would feel me move and wrap his arms even more tightly around me so that I couldn't move.  If I did manage to move away, he would come closer until sometimes I would be right on the edge of the bed.  When morning came, he would say that I took up all the space in the bed.  One time in the middle of the night, he kicked me hard and the next morning he was complaining of a sore leg.  I told him it was probably because he had kicked me so hard during the night.  He repeated that story a few times too.

When I went on our first overnight truck ride, we spent the night in the sleeper - or a few hours of the night anyway.  The sleeper was a single sized bed and the mattress was hard.  To move my arm, I would have to sit up and lie down again because I had to sleep on the wall side.  Dave was complaining about the hard mattress and no room so I cheerfully said to him, "It's just like camping!"  His reply was there was more room in a tent and even the air mattress would be more comfortable. 

I enjoyed going on truck rides with Dave this year and he enjoyed me tagging along too.  He told me that it doesn't seem like work when I'm with him and the time went much quicker.  I liked it because it meant I had his undivided attention and when he was driving, with me by his side, he was at his best and not particularly stressed.  Some car drivers though, are foolish drivers around trucks!

One time we were going through the scales and the policeman there looked really grumpy so me, being me, smiled and waved at him.  The red sign came up and Dave had to park the truck and show all his papers to the cop.  When Dave came back to the truck 15 minutes later (which put us a bit behind) he told me that when he saw me smile and wave, he knew he'd have to show his papers.  They think if you smile and wave, you are trying to hide something.   Dave groaned about it as he chuckled and he loved repeating that story often!

Well, these are just a few little snippets and I guess as I continue blogging, more will be told. ☺ 

Dave, My Beloved Husband!

I knew I loved him deeply but I didn't know how much until he was gone.
I knew he was a part of my life but I didn't realise how much I depended on him, how much I looked forward to him coming home and how much I loved sharing our life together until I realised that now I am on my own and I have to have a life without him.

I hold back the tears, scared that once they start flowing, they will never stop.  I am right about this and my pillow is now soaked, my cheeks are wet and the tears just keep coming.
I stand there, wanting to fall, bracing myself while my insides are torn up and my heart is breaking.  How.. why... did I love him so much?

Everyone around me has been so wonderful and their love and words touch me but when all is said and done, they go back to their homes, to their lives and I'm left here alone in the home that I shared with Dave and no matter how much I want him to come through that door, he won't. 

It's just as well that we learned how to breathe, to dress ourselves, to put food in our mouths when we are young, so when we hurt this badly, we can go through the motions, take a step at a time, move without thinking, knowing that one day, this too shall pass.

I read this from another woman's blog and I know exactly how she feels:  "I’ve not only lost him, I’ve lost me. Who I was, who I was functioning as. And while there are similarities to my life before [he passed away], I will now have to find a new direction, a new purpose, new goals. I will not be the same person.... I will not have the same future. It has all changed and right now it feels blank and very empty. I know it will take time, time and energy. I know that God will direct me in finding new purpose, but today it just feels like more death. The death again of all I believed would happen. The death of the old me." 

Now I face a future that has no certainties.  I am going back to Australia.  People say that I am going "home" to Australia but Australia is not my home.  I always said to Dave, wherever he is, that is my home.  Here is not my home anymore, either.  And yet is is.  Because this is where Dave and I had a home together and this is where he loved, where he lived, where he has so many memories - good and bad - and this is his home that he brought me into and made me his.  "Always and all yours" I said so often, I texted him so often, he is my beloved.

When I left Australia to come here, it was with a heart full of love, a heart full of hope and a heart full of dreams to share with him.  When I go back to Australia, I go back without him.

I pick myself up and realise that life goes on and that there will be a future for me.  I am glad that I don't drink alcohol because today would be tempting to drink myself into oblivion. I know that is not the answer, not a cure and really, I know that I wouldn't anyway. 

People admire me for my strength and vitality but I am just me and I wonder why I have to be the one to endure such heartache.  "Life is unfair" I have heard over and over again.  "We're about due for a miracle", I say to my attorney and brother-in-law Dan last week but to be honest, I don't expect one.  All I know is that God loves me and that He will help me get through this one step at a time and even though I hurt so much, He is carrying me and providing for me all that I need.

If you've read through all this, thank you.  ♥  I didn't write this for your sympathy or pity, I wrote it to share how I really feel and I guess, because I wanted to tell everyone just how much I loved Dave and miss him so much.  If it means you'll pray for me, again I thank you.  A couple people have told me they can't do much but they can pray and all I know is that is doing much more than we can do in our own strength.

The Words I Spoke at Dave's Memorial Service - 6th August 2011

To my very loved husband.
At a time like this, I cannot find the words to ever describe how much I loved, respected and felt for you.
I said to you last week, "You are my hero" and you kinda laughed disbelievingly and said, "Yeah right".  But you are.  You give with your heart and hands.  I tell everyone proudly "If it needs to be fixed, Dave can fix it, find a way to fix it or find out how it can be fixed.  There have been so many times you've fixed something and I cannot  think of a time you couldn't fix something.

In your last few days especially, your contentment and love for me was clearly evident in your actions, words and touch.  As I held you, only moments before you collapsed, rubbing your back, holding you, I thought. "He is finally used to me.  He is finally, not only allowing me to love him the way I want to love him, but he is enjoying it and wanting it."  Your last 2 or 3 days at home since you weren't  working, you wanted me to be with you every moment I could be.  When you hurt, you looked at me for courage and reassurance.  When you felt joy, your eyes lit up, you smiled and excitedly shared your joy with me, knowing it was our joy.

You became confident in my love and I am so thankful for the privilege of loving you. 

It wasn't an easy 14 months of marriage but we got through it because we loved each other and looked forward to better times.  You began to dream with me, make plans and really knew they would happen.  You were content to sit on the porch swing with me, walk with me, sit with me, just be with me and you held me in your arms with strength and confidence.

We had so much but I wanted to have more moments and years with you.  I gave you everything I could wrapped up with all the love I had.
Today I am here, feeling honored to be called, "Dave's wife".  I never doubted you loved me and if I had to do it all over again, knowing that it would only be such a short time, I would still do it again.

Dearly loved husband of mine
Always and all yours
Very diligent and hard working
Enjoying precious times together

Forever will you hold a place in my heart
Loved deeply, more deeply than I ever thought possible
Only time will lessen these tears and the pain
Why God chose to take you from  me so soon, I don't know
Even so, I trust Him to hold me close now
Resting in the knowledge He is in control.. We are

Separated for this time, but always, ALWAYS knowing  we loved each other so much!