The Day After Christmas

If you don't feel like reading a whinging, hurt, grieving tirade, then leave this page now, otherwise read on:

There is nothing like losing a spouse.  I have lost everything.  When I wake up in the morning, I'm alone and throughout the day, I am still alone.  When I need to be comforted, my husband is not there and everyone else has their own families to get comfort from.  I am in a completely new place and my home is on the other side of the world.  You may have one thing in common with me, you may be able to relate to one of the facets of my grief, but you do not know it in all it's totality. 

Dave was my home.  He knew that and my plans were to be with him for many years to come.  He was teaching me how to run our home, our property, encouraging me to make this our home and we had plans for our home and our lives together.  Now, there is nothing left but a few memories.  I was recently reading the biography of a lady whose husband had cancer and she said that she pitied the person who lost their husband suddenly because they didn't have time to say goodbye.  I am not going to try and compare which is worse but the thing is, not only didn't we have time to say goodbye, we didn't have time to really establish ourselves and our home, we didn't have time to see any fruit for the plans, the dreams, the hopes that we had shared. 

I feel like when Dave was snatched from this earth, I was uprooted and plonked on the other side of the world.  Everyone got on with their lives in a similar way, same ol' routine, with their loved ones around them, but not me.  I had to go and start all over again, completely.  Last night, I was lying in bed thinking about how I've gotten through this one "milestone/ significant" day, now I still have to get through... Valentines Day, Dave's birthday, Easter, our first anniversary.....  It's like I plod along, preparing for the next difficult day, it happens, then I have to get ready for the next one and hope to survive that too.  Yes, I had a good Christmas day but the heartache was still with me and it seems to be worse, the day after.

So, this morning, I put on my cowboy boots to remind me of my home with Dave and went for a drive because I needed to buy a printer, an office chair and I also wanted to buy a school bag 'on wheels' for when I walk to work as of Febrary 2012.  I put the printer in my office but didn't connect it up and unpacked the box of parts for the plush, office chair.  After finding the instructions, I tried to assemble it and when I couldn't even attach a wheel, I 'lost it'.  I threw a part of it on the floor, ripped the bubble wrap, cried and went and laid down on my big bed and cried a whole lot more.

"It's not fair! I didn't ask for this!  I am tired of having to face new challenges every day, on my own, without Dave.  I am tired of grieving.  I am tired of crying.  I am tired of hurting.  I don't want to start all over again.  God, it's not fair! I want to go home to Dave.  I want to be safe with Dave.  I want us to have our life together.  You're asking too much of me, God!!!" (Perhaps I am still in stage 3.)

I came back to the living room and saw the parts all over the floor and cried some more.  I tried again but still couldn't do it.  It's still there as a reminder of what I can't do and the challenge of just living by myself and having to deal with things on my own.

I read recently a quote by C.S. Lewis: "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

Oh, can I relate to that!  Exactly and Amen!  That's all I have to say for today.

I Don't Have To Pretend With God

Like a pendulum, I swing back and forth, and like the inner workings of a clock, my emotions go round and round, different wheels turning all at once. The sun shines brightly, the skies are blue and I can feel a skip in my step and then a stray thought wanders and distracts and my heart turns around and another little piece breaks. How nice it would be to....

Actually, to be honest, I don't have much to say. My heart is hurting, Christmas is coming, things are falling into place but I find it hard to be content and stay positive. I don't want to be positive when I am hurting without Dave. I don't want to face Christmas without Dave. I don't want to try and see something to celebrate just because I 'should' and I am angry, at times. Yes, things are falling into place and yes, I have a lot to be thankful and yes, there are people who have it harder than me (except if we aren't supposed to compare, how can they be more worse off than me?).

I am supposed to trust God and rejoice in this situation but I don't want to. And you know what? God can handle it. Even if I don't voice it out loud, God knows what my heart is feeling and He knows what I am thinking. Yes, I can be positive so that those reading my blog posts can see God's hand in my life and feel good in themselves that I am moving on. But as I wrote on Facebook, I don't always want to be brave. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide and do something ridiculously foolish or just ‘lose it’. But people like you love me and are praying for me, so I keep getting up in the morning and keep going.  Even when I really don’t want to!

The fact of the matter is I'm being carried by a loving Heavenly Father who is bigger than my pain, bigger than my discouragement, bigger than my anger and He doesn't try to shush me and say “What will others think?” He doesn’t get offended when I don’t use clichés and the right words.  He just takes me in His arms, loves me and holds me when I hurt.  He lets me beat my fists against His chest and He hears my words of pain and anguish and doesn’t take it personally.  He knows my heart.  He knows me better than I can know myself and He still loves me.  He doesn’t throw meaningless words at me to cover the silence and He understands every emotion I have. 

Every day I wish Dave was alive and every day I wonder why God didn’t let me have more time with him.  I left my country, everything I had here and went to be with Dave on the other side of the world.  I gave him everything, loved him deeply (and still do) and prayed daily for God to help me be a godly wife and a godly woman. I sought to please God and in so doing, also honoured my husband, Dave.  I made friends there and loved Dave’s family as my own, his home was my home, his life was my life and I adjusted, adapted and moved forward with Dave.  But then, God took Dave home and I had to go back to Australia and start over again.

There are many times when I wish that it was me God took home and I even ask God to take me now, too. I would love to be in Heaven and not to have to deal with pain, sorrow, tears and all these changes and new things.  Sometimes I shout out (inwardly so that only God and I hear) that this is TOO hard, this is TOO much!!!  I want it easier and if I have to live, then give me a break and heal this pain already.  Why do I have to be strong? Why do I have to move forward and be a blessing to others when I am the one who is hurting?  Why do I have to start all over again in EVERYTHING??!!!  I mean, give me a break here! My husband passes away, I change countries, change homes, new job, new area, new start, make new friends, learn new routines, new challenges.. on and on!!!!!! It’s so not fair! And then there are the people who have words to tell me how I should do it and how it’s good that everything is all working out for me and how it’s good that it’s falling into place.  (And yes, there are also the friends who encourage me, help me, give me a shoulder to cry on and put up with me. Thank you. J )

But it’s not good! Or at least, it doesn’t feel good!  Why didn’t God let it all fall into place with Dave, in our home, in the States where we both belonged together?  Dave said to me on our first anniversary that things can only get better and we were both looking forward to moving forward together, just the two of us.

Sigh.  Take a deep breath.  Thank you Father, for knowing my heart, for understanding my pain, for loving me unconditionally and for not giving up on me.  Thank you for knowing me so well and knowing what I need.  Thank you for holding me at this time.  Thank you that even though I hurt so bad, You don’t get mad because You understand and You love me.  I don’t have to pretend with You.  I don’t have to say the right words to make You feel good.  I can just cry, hurt, and wonder why and You can handle it, and hold me.  Thank You.

But, seriously, (sorta) couldn’t I just ‘lose it’ once when someone comes to me and blabbers insignificant, ridiculous clichés that are nonsensical?  Couldn’t I just tell them what I really think and not have to ‘guard’ my words so that I don’t offend them?  After all, why should it be me who says “Thank you” and tries to be nice when their words are like a knife in my already hurting heart? 

A Window, An Ocean, Blessings and Grief.

Every day I wake up to a new day.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a window and that the curtains are drawn in order to deal with the pain.  The light (of hope) is persistent and tries to find a crack to find it's way in.  In to my broken heart.  I have cried so many tears and been on an emotional rollercoaster.  I know this is all 'normal' and I know it's all part of grieving.

Rhonda (my sis-in-law) told me to expect people to say the derndest things, insensitive words that may hurt and I knew that it would happen but it doesn't make it easier to bear.  In the last 4 months I have gone through many changes.  I lost my heart, my best friend, my companion and lover on August 2nd.  Since then I have moved from one country across to the other side, left behind family and friends there and returned to family and friends  here.  I have lived with some very generous and kind friends who have done all they can to make this transition 'easier'.  They have taken me into their homes and welcomed me with open arms, love and acceptance.

More recently, I have been employed to teach my all-time favourite class level - Grade 3/4 and have found a home within walking distance at a reasonable rental price.  Yesterday I met my class for next year and it's going to be a fun and challenging year.  I am looking foward to it and I know I can do a good job but it is still change.  Change in circumstances, home and 'remembering' everything all over again. 

As I was driving home last night, I was feeling very tired and overwhelmed.  This change is not of my own choosing.  This pain and grief is not something that can be brushed away with the morning light.  Grief is like the ocean.  It will come in waves with all the fury of an undercurrent, carrying seaweed, rocks, plants fish in it's belly.  Other times, it will allow a boat to float gently into the shore.  Sometimes I can 'control' the ocean and on the surface, appear that all is at peace and I am moving forward.  Other times, if you can see inside the window, you might notice that my eyes are close to tears and I will turn away, suck in my lip and try to think of something else to distract me from the grief.

On a brighter note, I did get Dave's ring back today.  His wedding ring has been at the jeweller's since I got back to Australia.  When I took it to be cleaned, while I was still in the States, they noticed a couple of diamonds were loose so I took it to a jeweller in Australia, who I know is very good.  He noticed that a couple of the diamonds were cracked and so took it to repair it.  He said that it wasn't made very well and he had some difficulty with getting it repaired to the quality he wanted it to be.  When Dave and I bought the rings, we bought rings that we both liked and went for that, rather than get an expensive sort because we knew that we wouldn't ever be selling them.  They were there for the symbol, not for the 'decoration.'  I am glad to be wearing Dave's wedding ring again.

My friend Karen made a pavlova for us tonight to celebrate my new home that I will be moving into on the weekend.  On one hand I'm looking forward to having my own place but on the other hand 'my own' home is also a drawback.  A friend commented that it might hit me even more, that Dave is not with me once I am on my own.  It will be nice when all my stuff from the States comes because then it will feel like I have some of 'Dave' and our memories with me, too.

Often I feel like this is all too hard for me to handle and I don't want to take any more.  I wish my heart wasn't breaking and I wish I could just move forward, be the person I was before, without wearing the cloak of grief.  I keep pushing myself forward, hoping that I will get through this time and not be a burden to my family and friends who are walking beside me at this time.  I keep hoping that while I am receiving so much encouragement and blessings from others, that I can, in turn, give back to them.  Although sometimes I feel that I am too drained to be the blessing that I will be one day.  Sometimes I just want to be allowed to cry without feeling guilty, to be sad and not feel like some people expect me to stop crying and get on with life.  You'd be surprised at what some people tell me.  And yes, I know that I am super sensitive at times, too but I keep plodding forward. (albeit begrudgingly at times.)

Thank you Lord for my home, my job, for the friends and family who are a blessing in my life.  Thank you Lord for being by my side at this time and even when I don't want to carry on, when I feel like I've had too much to deal with, when I'm angry and hurt for being in this place, thank you for such unconditional love!     

Troubles and Blessings

I didn't toss and turn last night, just laid there thinking about so much and the memories I had, the memories I wanted to make and moving on with life.  I finally slept, waking up when the sun had already risen and the day had begun so decided to go for a drive down to the beach.  The sky was overcast and I was very tired so I stayed in my car and looked at the water, the sand, the families having fun with their kids, making sand castles together and a few older youths who had braved the water.  The view is always the same and yet it's not.  A few rain drops fell on to my windscreen but they didn't do anything to get rid of the bug spattered remains on it.


I went and looked in a couple of interesting stores and I read a plaque that said,


"Write your troubles in the sand and
Your blessings in stone".


I thought of buying it but then thought that Karen and I could probably make something like that.  She is so creative and artistic.  I might have the ideas but she has the ability to turn it into something worthy of keeping.

Write your troubles in the sand.  


Last night I was thinking about my 'troubles' and grief and pain.  Sometimes I dwell on what could have been or even the times that aren't worth the trouble of remembering.  I need to write them in sand so that they can be washed away by the morning sunlight.  I went to visit a friend tonight, who, after an accident more than 12 months ago, is remarkably walking when they said she wouldn't be able to, is able to lift a cup of tea and feed herself, when just over 12 months ago, she could not.  She got through it all and is still trying to be positive about life.  As I drove home, I passed a friend's house and I know there are challenges in her family life.  I reflected about how so many of us go through life unaware of the pains, trials and challenges in other's lives.  It is true that you can not compare pain but we do.

Last night when I was lying in bed, I was thinking about a blog that a woman keeps after her husband was killed tragically in an accident almost a year ago.  She writes so well and all that she says, I can relate to yet, when I write my blog posts, sometimes I feel that I can't convey those thoughts as well as what she does.  As she expressed her pain, I wondered if I loved Dave enough.  I wanted to call Dan and have him reassure me like he said once before, "You loved David dearly".  I was thankful that someone put on my Facebook page, "Don't forget- moving forward isn't leaving Dave behind. You will always take him with you in your heart."  I don't need them to tell me that I loved Dave dearly, I know that I did but sometimes, I feel like I am still waiting for him to come home.  I still feel like he is just away on a longer trucking trip and it's been much too long and I'm tired of him being away.  I know that he won't be coming home, but every day, to get through the day, there's a part of me that is still thinking that this will all be over soon.  He is so much a part of my life.


Write your blessings in stone


I am constantly reminded of the blessings I have received and am still given.  I hope that those who 'bless' me in so many ways, realise how thankful I am for their love and support.  I hope I tell them enough.   Catching up with my friends today and others I have caught up with since I've been back in Australia has been special too.  We do need to make the most of each day we have, being thankful for the blessings and loving the ones who are in our life.  When it all comes down to it, the blessings in our lives are the people who touch our hearts, the ones who walk with us in the journey, who cry when we cry, who share their joy and their pain, whose lives we share together.  


So I'll say it again:  Thank you for being a blessing in my life.  Even by reading this, I know that you are thinking of me, praying for me and loving me.  You are a blessing to me, although I may not ever have met you and may not know that who it is reading this, thank you.  


The greatest of all these things is love.

I love Dave and he loved me.
I love my family and they love me.
I love my friends and they love me.
I am loved indeed!


And even more, I have a Heavenly Father, who is Love. Completely. His love is higher, wider, deeper, richer, more satisfying than we can ever imagine!

My Hope, His Time

Would that grief would follow a set pattern, with fool proof instructions and be predictable.  Then I wouldn't have walked into that store this morning and wouldn't have thought about the special times between Dave and I, the intimacy we enjoyed and wouldn't have had to rush out the door, fighting back the tears.  After that, I walked around the shopping centre, looking at boring, non-threatening to my composure type stuff and bought a pretty pair of earrings that were cheap and a little wallet sized photo holder.  


The last couple of days I keep thinking about needing a job and needing a home, in that order and I know I have to just give it to God and not worry about it.  I have been very blessed because I have friends who have opened up their homes to me and given me an amazing amount of love and support during this difficult period of my life.  I don't want to be a burden and I don't want to be melancholy but unfortunately, grief can be unpredictable and there are times when I find it hard to move forward and be cheerful. My friends are very understanding towards me and they are priceless.


While I know that being here was the most practical decision for me, I still wonder why I came to Australia so soon, when all I'm doing is wandering from home to home and catching up with family and friends.  Meanwhile, my crate of things is getting closer and meant to arrive on December 11th and then it will still have to go through customs and may or may not be here until after Christmas.  Today I bought a beautiful bed which will also be ready for me by mid December.  I am trying to set up a home and look forward, without having a definite job and home to go to.  As the crate moves closer, the urgency of needing a job and a home fills my mind.


So yesterday I read Psalm 62 which says, v1 "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress I will never be shaken."
v 5-8  Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God.  He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.


Anyway, I glanced over at the Message and verse 1 reads:  God, the one and only -- I'll wait as long as He says.  Everything I need comes from Him.


So in case I missed it yesterday or maybe God knows me well and decided I needed to hear it again, today the reading was from Exodus 15:22-27 and the devotional thought said, "Even when our situation looks difficult, we can trust that God is leading.  He already knows what we'll need when we get there."


I do know all that and believe it to be true.  I do give it to God and trust Him.  I want to add a 'but' here but there is no buts, only Him.  I am not trying to be pious nor am I trying to pretend in order to make me (and others) feel good.  I obviously am struggling in this area and I am trying to make my feet walk the way my heart knows is the right way to go.  The thing is that grief is not something I can just 'snap out of it' and feel better, it's not a cough or a cold that I can take medicine for and watch it go away because at the moment, it's a state of being, it's with me all the time.  It's not something I can share with others and it's not contagious.  If I had my own home, I would have the privacy to deal with it in my own way and would be able to unwrap my new home and see something tangible, a move forward in my life.


All I can say is: "So help me, Father God". I need to hope in Him and wait for as long as He takes, knowing that He will provide all I need as He leads me forward, each step of the way.

Missing the Stuff of Memories

I miss not having all my stuff with me and I'm not talking about 'my' stuff, I mean our stuff, stuff that Dave and I bought together, things that remind me of Dave and things that remind me of my life with him.  Most of the things that we had (and that I wanted to keep - which isn't a whole lot), are being sent over on a ship and aren't due to arrive here until mid to late December. I have 2 suitcases worth of clothes and things that I brought back to Australia with me and although it includes two of Dave's shirts and one of his jackets, it's not enough.  I want the photos of Dave and me, the photo collages that were made and I want him.

I know it's not realistic.  I continued reading the book "Good Grief" by Lolly Winston and read this bit which really expresses how I feel:

"What I really want is some sort of "It's okay, I'm here" sign from him.  The worst part about grief is that it's so one-sided, so unrequited.  Lost loved ones don't reciprocate, when you get right down to it.  You try to convince yourself that they do.  But [Dave] hurts me every day with his indifference, his aloofness.  I pray, I journal, I speak to him.  Not a peep.  He's like the popular kids in high school, breezing by in a flash with no eye contact or acknowledgement of my existence.
I flop back against the pillows, irritated.  The nerve of these dead people!.. What do they have to do that's so important? Sure, you're dead.  But there's such a thing as manners,  The lengths I've gone to: the flowers tossed into the sea, the candles burned, the photo albums.  The shrink visits, the grief groups, the antidepressants.  Nothing from them."

I understand that feeling.  It's not fair that I have to keep moving forward shrouded by grief.  It's not fair that I have to do this on my own without Dave's support and without Dave reassuring me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  When (assuming I do) I get through this season of grief, he won't be there (unless I've died) to cheer me and make plans with me.  He won't be there to thank me for being there for him, for loving him, for doing things that remind me and others, of his kindness and integrity.

I want to move forward and make plans but I'm reticent because those plans don't include Dave.  It's a whole new world out there, beckoning to me with long, bony, gnarled fingers, with hints of blue skies and beauty but it's luring me to let go of Dave, leave him behind so that I can walk forward.  I still feel the tips of Dave's fingers touching mine, I still hear his whispers of "We can do this" but it's not 'we', it's me.  I just want to turn my back on the beckoning, turn around and fall into Dave's arms and have him hold me like he used to and make me feel at home again.

I know that I can't do that so I slowly raise my hand halfway towards the beckoning, then drop it at my side again.  I want more than just a feeling, more than just a thought, I want something real that I can touch, hang on to and aim for.  Sort of like being in the water but having the shore to aim for, a jetty post to pull yourself forward when the current keeps trying to drag you back into the ocean.

When I have gotten through this season of grief, I want Dave to walk through the door, hug me and say, "Well you passed that 'test',  you're stronger so let's get on with our life together again."

Boo!

Shhh!  They whispered around her, pulling on their kid gloves and tiptoeing as though she couldn't see them or hear them.  They all looked at her and then at each other wondering what to do next.  She sat at the table wiping her fingers on her jeans to remove the chicken grease left overs.  She had already licked them first but as no napkin was provided, her jeans were there to finish the job.  She click-clacked on the keyboard oblivious to their pitiful stares.  She knew they were there but she had little time for their nonsense.


The phone rang and she picked  it up enthusiastically, "Saturday?  Yes, that would be wonderful!  I'm looking forward to seeing you."  She hung up the phone smiling at the prospect of catching up with good friends.  The phone rang again and in response to the caller's invitation, she laughed and agreed, "Oh for sure.  I can't wait!"  The sun shone through the window, the blow fly buzzed around her head and the birds continued their endless song as life went on.


Finally, as they continued to flit cautiously around her, she stilled her typing fingers.  She waited while they held their breath wondering what she was going to do.  She counted to ten and when she thought they could take no more, she jumped up and shouted, "Boo!" 


The thing is, I have been back in Australia for three weeks and I am settling in well.  I miss Dave so much and every day wish he was still alive and that we were still together.  I have been welcomed 'home' and though I do not call this home, I understand the sentiment behind it and realise that people are sincerely glad to see me and want to continue/renew their friendship with me.  As stated in a previous blog post, I used to tell Dave that cliches become cliches because they are tried and true words that have been used to remind people over and over again.  It's best just to accept the cliches as someone's attempt to express their condolences and concern.


I am glad to be back in Australia, as much as I am glad to be anywhere and I am confident that the Lord is providing all I need and has a purpose and plan for my life, which I suppose is why He kept me here on this earth when He took Dave home to be with Him.  As my brother-in-law pointed out to me, I would have had to start all over again even if I stayed in the States, so I may as well be here.  I am thankful for the loving support of friends and family and especially the generosity of Karen and Steve who have allowed me to make their home, my home and have given so much that I could never begin to repay them for their kindness.  I am thankful for Dave's family who have made me their family and without whose love and kindness, I would be wandering aimlessly through this grieving period.  The thing is, that my friends and family don't ask to be repaid and instead, seem to count it as an honour to be able to give to me in this way. I feel humbled that they love me and believe in me so much.


The first couple of paragraphs of this blog are fictional and yet inside them are still grains of fact.  There are some people who are finding it awkward to relate to me:  What if she cries?  She's probably too busy to hear from me...  What will I say to her?  Should I bring up the subject of "Dave"?  Why didn't she reply to my email that I sent her in the week after Dave passed away?  What if she doesn't want to talk to me?  What if....?  Man, what are you all thinking??!!!  I am still me. Yes, I have been through a lot of changes and yes, I have changed, grown and moved forward, but I am still me.


Admittedly, I do cry from time to time, but usually I reserve that for the quietness at night when I am on my own.  I will cry with friends and family who put their arms around me, share with me and reminisce with me but we always have a tissue handy and we don't mind crying those tears together.  I like talking about Dave and the times we had together.  He is a part of me, a part of who I have become and I love him so much.  I have no regrets and no reason to shun that part of my life.  I am thankful for what I was able to share with him, even though we were only married a short time.  I am not too busy to make time for friends and family but please don't wait for me to call or email you.  You have my phone number or email - use it if you want to.  I wouldn't have given it to you if I didn't want to stay in touch. 


Thank you for sending me an email, cards, flowers and/or condolences in the week after Dave passed away. That week is a blur to me and my friend Maurine told me that I was in shock.  All I remember was lots of people being around, Maurine asking me what I had eaten and handing me food to eat and eating an orange for breakfast. But everything and everyone is a blurred memory.  Nathan had printed up some of the Facebook messages and emails I received that week but I hadn't really had the desire to read through them and now they are all packed away in the boxes being shipped over here.  I know that I was wondering why I hadn't heard from someone and when I flipped through the emails, found one from that person.  I also know that just before I left the States, I was going through my emails and found one from someone I hadn't heard from in years.  I have 177 emails in my inbox and some have been replied to, some haven't.  Please do not feel that I didn't appreciate your expression of condolences because I did and I am thankful.


The other day I was talking to a good friend on Skype when she commented that I needed to update the details of my 'place', from Reardan, to Australia.  I told her I wasn't ready yet and she understood.  About a month ago, I was going to update my Facebook status from married to 'widow' but again, I wasn't ready to and I'm still not ready to.  It's not that important.  Yesterday, I went to VicRoads to change my licence so that my last name is Flowers and they said they didn't accept my international marriage certificate, so now I have to go to the registry of births, deaths, marriages etc and find out how to do it.  Paperwork gets so tiresome!!!

Anyway, if you've been tiptoeing around me, wondering what response you'll get from me:


"Boo!"

Being A Part of Dave's Family

I was talking to my friend, Sonya today when we talked about me being a part of Dave's family.  I miss them so much and sometimes I wonder if they fully comprehend just how much I belong to them.  I acknowledged to her that Dave is so much a part of who I am today and therefore his family is mine, too.  Sonya replied, "Yes - and you can't set aside your "Flowers" side. It would be like amputating a limb or something" and I said more accurately, "Or taking out my heart" and if you know me or have gotten to know me through my 'journey', then you will know that what I say is true.

I'm chatting to Dave's brother, Bob while I write this and in reply to his comment that I am part of their family, loved by each of them and prayed for daily, I said, "I miss everyone so much and feel so far away from you all.  I love you all so much and yes, I miss Dave like crazy.  Death is so final and I'm crazily in love with him and yet he's out of reach."  The times I chat with them on Skype, on the phone or in emails, just makes me miss them more, but it's good too.  It's bittersweet because it's because of love and being family that it hurts to miss them.

Anyway, I was also discussing with my friend Wendy today about some of the 'minor' changes that have happened to me because of my time in the States.  Simple vocabulary things like:

Purse = Handbag.  When I was in the States, I kept calling the 'purse' a handbag, now that I'm back in Australia, I keep calling my handbag a purse.

Gas = Petrol   I keep saying that I need to get gas.  On a side note, I'd forgotten that here, we pay AFTER we fill it up and we go inside to pay, not on the bowser outside.  Also, the petrol cap is not attached to the car so, I have to remember to put it back on before I drive off.

Driving on the other side of the road - When I first started driving on the right hand side of the road, I had to concentrate especially when turning left, and look forward to see where the lane was that I was driving into.  Now, when I am going to my car, I have to quickly look inside the car to see what side the steering wheel is on to make sure I go to the right side of the car.

Miles vs Kilometres - When Nathan and I were test driving cars, I kept checking to see how many miles it had done and Nathan kept reminding me that "we use 'kilometres', mum."

Mobile Phone= Cell Phone - Often catch myself saying "cell phone" instead of mobile phone.  At least it's quicker to write/type cell phone than the other way.

Clothes/Prices - When I first walked into a store (shop - I am still finding it hard to say shop instead of store), I was dismayed by the prices of clothes and the quality of the clothing for those prices.  I had forgotten the difference.

These are just a few of the things I am having to readjust to again.  It just surprises me when I catch myself rethinking things that I thought were second nature to me.  One time when Dave and I were driving, he got upset at me because I had gotten the number of the address wrong. (I hadn't - he had misheard) and I went quiet rather than argue with him.  A few minutes later, he apologised and said that he forgets that not everything that is second nature to him, is like that for me and that I've had to make changes that he isn't aware of. 

So many thoughts I have and right now the season is for me to wait and be patient and take a step at a time.  It's the season for me to grieve but also for me to figure out who I am, what my priorities are now and what kind of life I am going to live.  All too soon I will get busy again when I have a job so I need to be able to just use this time to reflect, refresh and heal.  I sometimes try to jump ahead and find out something way down the track but I have to be content with what is now.  Like I read today, "Can I, in my circumstances, "hope in the Lord"? Can I wait in faith and patience without fretting and without questioning God's wisdom? Can I trust Him while He  works in me His good, acceptable and perfect will?.....  I am unable to undertand all that God is doing in me and it is impossible to try."

Today I went driving with one of my good friends (I am very blessed to have quite a few) and I was able to take more photos of the beach.  It will be so nice when I finally get an SLR camera. 

P.S.  If some of my blog posts seem repetitive, maybe it's just because it's constantly on my mind or something... No apology from me. :)

I'm Broken But Help Me Walk by Faith, Lord.

Last night I sat and talked with Dad Flowers about Heaven and about Dave being there.  What is Heaven like?  Heaven is a place of perfection, of no tears, pain, or regrets.  We'll have new bodies and not these frail, weak, sick bodies that we've learned to live with.  We'll be in the presence of the living God and I'm sure the things of 'earth will go strangely dim' compared to the world we live in on earth where there is so much pain, sickness and evil.  I talked to a friend, Geoff, the other day and he told me that when he gets to Heaven, he's got a few questions he's going to ask God.  When his wife died of cancer about 4 years ago, he was left to bring up 2 young daughters, he lost a large sum of money, his business changed and he even lost his ministry. In response, he got angry at God and wondered what he had done to anger God so much.  Personally, I think that when we get to Heaven, all of the questions we have, will be gone as soon as we see Him face to face.  The things we hold so dearly here, will not matter at all.  Geoff said that it's like Job.  He'd been questioning God through all his trials but when God spoke to him, Job was speechless. (Job 37 & 38)

I went out for dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday, my father-in-law's birthday and my sister-in-law's birthday and as I sat next to Rhonda, I again said that when I think of all I have lost over the last 18 months, I still feel that it would have been better for God to have taken me instead of Dave.  I don't want to start all over again.  I don't want to deal with the crap that I'm dealing with and I don't like the pain and heartbreak I'm experiencing right now.  I miss Dave so much.  Being here with his parents is wonderful, but in a couple of days, I'll have to say goodbye to them too.  I still want to have the life that Dave and I were going to have but I want it with him.  It's hard to convey just how much this hurts and I don't want to come across as whinging and full of self-pity.  It's all just part of grief.

Rhonda said to me, what I've heard from other people who love me and believe in me also say, that God didn't take me home yet because I'm still here for a purpose.  Who knows what God is going to do in my life?  Who knows what 'great things' He has in store for me?  While I try to believe that, and in my heart I do know that, it doesn't really stop the tears but yes, it is comforting to know that in the midst of all this hurt, He is walking beside me, constantly loving me and He will make it all good.

You've probably realised that songs are playing an important part in my healing as they remind me of the truths I need to hear.  Another song that played constantly yesterday, then played on the radio tonight, is by Jeremy Camp called, "Walk by Faith".  I do want to walk by faith and trust God even though it all seems so dark and uncertain right now.   These are the words:

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya

[chorus]

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

My Birthday Is Tomorrow

I just realised I'm going to wake up alone on my birthday tomorrow.  My horses are gone, my dog is gone, my suitcases are almost packed and I'm going to be alone.   Birthdays have always been something special to me.  I'd forgotten it was my birthday until I started reading messages on Facebook with so many friends and family members wishing me a Happy birthday and someone said, "Sending special Birthday wishes your way and praying that you can find some enjoyment on YOUR day."

Someone else said: "Happy Birthday to a truly unique and beautiful person! May you experience all the joy of this special day with those that love, care and support you! Much ♥ Carolanne!!"

I was having a mixed day of emotions.  I said to Dave's brother Dan this morning that when I'm having a good moment, I wonder if that means I didn't love Dave enough and he laughed and reassured me about how much Dave loved me too.  There's been paperwork to deal with, stuff to sort out because this weekend I leave my home here and travel over to Dave's parents place where I'll stay until I leave the States to travel back to Australia.

But right now, it has really just hit me that it's my birthday tomorrow and Dave is not here.  It hurts so much!!!!  I had thought about staying with Maurine and Lon tonight - I know if I called them and said I wanted to stay, they'd open their door for me but I'm not ready to leave yet either.

Oh I wish Dave was here.  This hurts so bad!

Dealing With Grief Daily

I began reading the book, "Good Grief" last night and read,

 "The death of a loved one isn't really something you ever get over," the group leader explains, leaning forward in her chair...."Instead one morning you wake up and it's not the first thing you think of."
While I know she's right, I can't imagine that this morning will ever come to my  house.

When I read that I wondered, what about whether it will still be the last thing I think of before going to sleep, the almost continuous thinking of it/him throughout the day.  When does it stop distracting me? I went shopping at Hallmark for some gifts today and on the bag there is a list of anniversaries.  As I glanced over the list I thought about how we only got to our first anniversary and will never get to another.  When I go shopping and see everything getting ready for Thanksgiving, I think about how last Thanksgiving, Dave was in a truck stop on his own, down in California and this year, I won't even get to share Thanksgiving with him.  It's my birthday in 2 days time.  Last year, he drove really hard to make sure he got here by my birthday, this year he will not be coming home. 

On Saturday, I'm going to go get my hair done and he won't be around to tell me how it looks and I won't be able to impress him, look good for him.  I see Halloween decorations up, Christmas decorations...  What is my Christmas going to be like this year?  It won't be a white Christmas and Dave will not be here.  All the plans, the dreams, the hopes, for us together, none of it will happen.  The thoughts first thing in the morning, throughout the day and before I go to sleep are of Dave and us, are of what we planned, and are of what I am missing.  They're never far from my mind and sometimes little things trigger the grief, such as the back of the Hallmark bag with the list of anniversaries.  When those grief moments come, tears are close but I have to take a deep breath and try and turn my attention to something else other than who I am missing and why.

I had lunch with four good friends today.  It's Linda's birthday today, Janice's birthday tomorrow and mine on the 8th, so along with our friend Wanda, we went and had a great time together.  We even got servings of dessert for free!  Yummy!!  Anyway, we were talking about trusting God and I know without a doubt that God loves me and will provide all that I need.  I know all this and I believe it but then Janice came out with some words that I told her I was definitely going to put on my blog.   She said, "It still would be nice to not have to trust Him every moment" and I laughed and yet I totally understand what she meant.  It seems that all I have left at the moment is to trust God in every moment, for every moment, for every breath, for every problem I'm dealing with, every knot in my stomach, every tear that I cry and even when I'm enjoying something.  I know it's not a bad thing to trust Him every moment and yes, it is making me stronger and growing me into being the woman God created me to be but, it certainly doesn't come naturally and not always easily.

Anyway, just on a more lighthearted note, I thought I'd share with you about our first anniversary.  Because we didn't have a honeymoon, I decided that we would go away for the weekend of our anniversary, probably to Montana and have a romantic, just the two of us, time together.  A week before this happened, Dave's youngest daughter (17 y.o.) told us about a combine demolition derby on that same weekend and Dave, being Dave decided that's what we would do instead.   I told him that we can do it, but it is NOT our honeymoon, just a fun weekend. 

It certainly was a fun weekend and there were moments of romance throughout it.  We stayed in a nice hotel that had a swimming pool and spa which Dave and I did make use of it.  He was in his element anyway at a combine demo derby and we did have a great time.   On the way home, we stopped at Costco to do some shopping and he spotted a Belgium waffle maker and he thought that would make a great anniversary present for me.   Since he was the one who makes the waffles, I figured that really was a great present.  Anyway, that night I put a frozen dinner in the oven to 'complete' our very red-neck anniversary.  

A few weeks after that, we were sitting alone together and Dave commented how after Dianne was married and Nathan had gone back home, we would have the place to ourselves and he told me how much he was looking forward to it.  During our anniversary, I had also reminded him that we would be having a romantic weekend away together, probably sometime in September before the weather turned cold.  When we were talking about having been married for a year, Dave said, "Well, it's been a tough year but things can only get better from here."  We did expect life to be getting a little easier for us and we were looking forward to our future together.  Make the most of every day because you never know just how life can change in a heartbeat.

You know something else, when I look at photos of him and I, photos of him hugging me, holding my hand, etc., each time I remember how that really felt.  I remember how his hand felt when he held mine and how his face felt when I traced his features, how I felt when he held me tight.  I remember.

Upheld In My Grief

I had a leisurely morning today and even though I didn't sleep in, I felt refreshed and ready for the day ahead.  I went to the Christian school to visit some of my friends (teachers) at noontime and that was enjoyable as it always is.  Anyway, Teresa gave me a book to read and she had one excerpt bookmarked because she felt it particularly relevant to this blog:

"Give voice to sorrow.  Lend words to loneliness.  Make heard the depth of your despair and the breaking of your heart.
      For what remains unspoken can never burst into healing song."   
p93 "Safe Passage" Molly Fumia

I read that and thought, "How true".  It really makes sense to me and is one of the reasons I started this blog. Teresa also recommended a fiction book called "Good Grief" which I picked up from Hastings.  That was an interesting experience.  I love bookstores.  I love books.  I love reading and writing.  I can walk into a bookstore and stay there for hours.  My son Nathan is also like that.  Today I went to Hastings with my good friend Maurine and she tried to keep me focussed as I flitted from aisle to aisle and then my eyes would catch something else glittering in another and I'd dart over to that bookshelf.  She kept reminding me that I had a weight limit for my suitcases and that I didn't need to buy other books.  She kept reminding me that Aunt Mary was expecting me at 4pm and time was slipping away.  I would begin walking back to the check-out and notice something else.  All in all, I think I did pretty well because I only bought 1 extra book in addition to "Good Grief".  Besides, books can go in my hand luggage if the suitcases are too heavy!

The funny thing about grief is it is different from moment to moment.  Today I had a good day.  I missed Dave, talked about Dave, had my own private thoughts about him but it felt nice.  Even though everything seems to be swirling around me like a storm and the waves are angrily tossing this way and that, and life isn't what I would choose it to be, even though nothing seems to be going right, I have faith in God who is sustaining me at this time and who does promise to provide everything I need.  It might not be what I expect, it is definitely not in MY timing but yet I know that He is not going to let me drown.  My brother Glenn pointed me to Psalm 77:1-15 and the verses that really spoke loudly to me were:

  I thought about the former days,
   the years of long ago;
⁶ I remembered my songs in the night.
   My heart meditated and my spirit asked:
 ⁷ “Will the Lord reject forever?
   Will he never show his favor again?
⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
   Has his promise failed for all time?
⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful?
   Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
 ¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
   the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
   yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
¹² I will consider all your works
   and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

When I look back on my life, when I remember what the Lord has done, then I know I have no need to fear.  Knowing this doesn't mean that I am completely free from worry, or that I am completely 'good to go' and yes, I still have moments... days when I cry out, "Why God?" or cry simply because I miss Dave and am worried about what the future holds for me. 

As I was driving home tonight, I heard a song on one of the Christian radio stations.  Before I share the words with you, I was also thinking about how my 'tune' has changed and I prefer listening to Christian music.  The other stuff seems so empty, unrealistic or depressing and even though I know there will be a time when I listen to it again, right now I need the encouragement, hope and reassurance that some Christian lyrics provide.

The song is called "Healer" by Hillsong.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

Pre-Chorus:

I trust in You
I trust in You

Chorus:

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

As I give voice to my sorrow and broken heart, as I open up my heart to the healing that only my Lord can provide, then I can have the hope and confidence that I will learn to live, laugh, love and dance once more.  Yes, I am changed and life has taken on a far different direction than I had planned but I know God will make it good, in His time.

Stronger? Why??

Isaiah 46:3-4
“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
all the remnant of the people of Israel,
... you whom I have upheld since your birth,
and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am He, I am He who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

The Estate Sale went well and we sold a lot of things and made some money with it, which is good but man(!) I am so, so tired of the hurting, the problems, the misunderstandings, the stuff that really wears a person down.  I miss Dave so much and wish he was here.  When I get frustrated and overwhelmed, Dave was able to be a calming influence on me and help me see what I was overreacting to and when I needed to make decisions, he was able to point me in the right direction.  He gave me perspective and now that I am on my own, it's so hard not to balk at the little things, not to get flustered when something goes missing or goes wrong.

Job 6:1  "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas --"

v11 "What strength do I have, that I should still hope?  What prospects, that I should be patient?"

 Today, on my way home from Spokane, I had a flat tire. (tyre)  We aren't in emergency road service because Dave said that was for rich people and besides which he always had the resources to deal with car problems.  He isn't here anymore to help me with things like that.  Fortunately for me, Nick (my no-son 'son') helped me out and unfortunately, I had to buy 4 new tires as the other tire couldn't be fixed and being an AWD, all have to be changed at the same time.  On  the other hand, the guy at Les Schwab found 4 very good used tires which means it was much cheaper than it could have been.  Nick and his wife Jennifer and their 2 sons are such a treasure and have helped and supported me so much since my time with Dave.
 

I ate lunch today with my friend Sonya. (Before the flat tire incident)  As I whined all my woes to her, I said that I don't think I can take anymore.. I don't want to take anything more.  I just want something to go right in my life and want things to start sorting themselves out.  After the flat tire I was driving home and heard the song that Mandisa sings about being stronger... 

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better

I keep wondering, "What do I need to be 'stronger' for?  Is there going to be even more that I'm going to have to take and what is the end result of all this being stronger?"  I know this pain isn't going to last forever.  I keep thinking that things will get better but it seems like they don't.  On the other hand, I do know without a doubt, that God does care for me and He is going to get me through all this.

I take one step at a time, one moment at a time but find myself trying to look ahead, worrying about what 'might' happen and dreaming up problems that aren't there.  I have things to worry about: I still haven't sold my car, the house still hasn't been sold, I still don't have a job when I get back to Australia, I am obviously still grieving the loss of my husband but on the other hand, there are some little blessings that God brings into my life that I need to thank him for:

Cute things like, spending time with Robert and Wyatt.  Robert (age 7) asked his mother if he could give me some of his change from his birthday money and he handed me a dime.  That was so sweet.  I put it in a plastic bag and had him write his name on it.  When they were around yesterday, I took photos of them and with them, on the trampoline, in the hay barn and with the horses.

For friends and family who are so unbelivably amazing/ awesome at this time.  I have friends (and family) who would drop anything for me in order to help me, who spend hours and hours helping me with things that doesn't have 'anything in it for them' and yet they do it simply because they love me.  They give me hugs, words of encouragement, meals, time, they are there for me without expecting anything in return.  They are there loving me and when I cry, get upset and/or hurt, they just keep on loving me.  Mom Flowers said to me tonight that she doesn't know how to express how much she and Dad Flowers love me and how much they depend on me and pray for me.  I am so loved and so thankful for the family and friends God brought into my life, through my marriage to Dave.

“I, David, take you Carolanne, to be my wife, to have and behold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.”


I wish that death hadn't parted us so soon.  Sometimes it seems easy to forget though, that although we were only married 14 months, we were a part of each other's lives for years before that and yet, because of those years, that also established a lot of who we were together.  I don't know.  I just miss him so much!!!  I feel like I need him although I know that God gives us all we need and since Dave is not here, my dependency needs to be on Him.

I am thankful for the life I shared with Dave.  I am thankful for the home I had with him here and that I was able to experience so much in the short time we were married and the time before we were married.  As I go through my final days here in the States, I keep trying to remember all the differences between Australia and the US and realise there's going to be a lot of adjustments to make because of those differences... Like driving on the other side of the road, the different spelling of some words, the different words for some things, the different cooking styles, lifestyles.

Job. 42:1-3 Then Job replied to the Lord: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?"  Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.

Jer. 29:11, 12  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

Jer. 33: 3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

Do Not Be Anxious About Anything......

I'm really tired and think I will have a much earlier night than I have lately. Last night I had dinner at Nick and Jennifer's and the last few nights, Sonya and I have been playing games of "Words With Friends" on Facebook.  I enjoy all that but I also need to get some sleep.

I'm anxious today with so many things to think about, decisions to make and sometimes I just cry out, "Please, I just want some security/stability in my life!"  I just want something to go right and to help this walk along the garden trail ease up a little.   It seems so rocky at the moment, uphill and ever so hard.   I know there are pretty flowers in the garden with a sweet fragrance and I am so thankful for the blessings of friendship and family in my life but it's the practical, logistics of stuff that I want settled.

1. My car - It needs to be sold but now it appears that it might be difficult because it was in an accident years ago so people can't get financing for it.  Dave had seen that it had been in an accident but had said it was only 'cosmetic' and not going to cause any mechanical problems.  We didn't need to borrow the money, so it didn't matter.  The problem is, I need to sell it before I go back to Australia and I need the money so I can buy a car when I am in Australia.
2. The Estate Sale - That is on this weekend and there is a lot of things, including junk that will be sold.  It has been a lot of hard work preparing for it and I am VERY thankful for the family and friends who have given me so much of their time and energy to help me get ready for it.  While I am at times immobilised by my grief and sorrow, being overwhelmed by so much to be done, they keep chopping away at it all and are very patient with me on top of that.
3. A Job - I am applying for jobs in Australia and sending off applications but so far, I haven't even reached an interview stage.  I want the job situation settled so that I will know where I'll be living, know how I'll be living (finances wise) and at least will have one less thing that is uncertain about my future.
4. The Phone Bill - Dave had 4 of us and himself on a family plan which was a very reasonable plan for our cell phones so when he passed away, I cancelled his phone line and became the person 'in charge' of the plan.  Last month, the bill was what I expected.  This month however, it has doubled and it shouldn't have.  I called about it today and they were going to call me back but didn't.  I can't afford that much!!!
5. I was typing up the inventory with all the listed prices and then the "bottom line" prices on an excel spreadsheet.  I put a lot of work into it, clicked save after I had printed it out, then closed out the program.  However, when I clicked save, I didn't save it into a folder and it is gone.  I have to retype/redo the whole thing again.
6. Luggage for the Bus - When I leave here, I am going to take a bus from Spokane to where Dave's parents live but the bus ticket says I can only take one suitcase and I want/need to take two.  I will have to find out tomorrow if I can pay for the extra suitcase.
7. Saying Goodbye - Saying goodbye is never easy but it seems like every time someone leaves, I have to say it.  The assumption is that I will come back and they will come to Australia to visit me but my heart is doubtful about them coming over.  It is a long trip and not very cheap.
8. The House - Needs to go on the market and needs to be sold. 

It just all hurts so much.  I know all the 'cliches'.  I used to tell Dave that cliches are proven truths that people have repeated over time until we've heard them so much, we think they're cliches.  I know that God has a plan for my life and that all these things will be settled.  I know that God loves me more than I can imagine and that He provides everything I need at the right time.  I know that how I feel is all just part of grieving and that it will get better.  Rhonda said that it would be understandable if I was terrified at times.  I am not terrified because I am sure that God is holding me tight but I am certainly anxious about these things.

I also know the verse:

 "Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Phil. 4:6,7

I need to remember and act upon that!