I Don't Have To Pretend With God

Like a pendulum, I swing back and forth, and like the inner workings of a clock, my emotions go round and round, different wheels turning all at once. The sun shines brightly, the skies are blue and I can feel a skip in my step and then a stray thought wanders and distracts and my heart turns around and another little piece breaks. How nice it would be to....

Actually, to be honest, I don't have much to say. My heart is hurting, Christmas is coming, things are falling into place but I find it hard to be content and stay positive. I don't want to be positive when I am hurting without Dave. I don't want to face Christmas without Dave. I don't want to try and see something to celebrate just because I 'should' and I am angry, at times. Yes, things are falling into place and yes, I have a lot to be thankful and yes, there are people who have it harder than me (except if we aren't supposed to compare, how can they be more worse off than me?).

I am supposed to trust God and rejoice in this situation but I don't want to. And you know what? God can handle it. Even if I don't voice it out loud, God knows what my heart is feeling and He knows what I am thinking. Yes, I can be positive so that those reading my blog posts can see God's hand in my life and feel good in themselves that I am moving on. But as I wrote on Facebook, I don't always want to be brave. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide and do something ridiculously foolish or just ‘lose it’. But people like you love me and are praying for me, so I keep getting up in the morning and keep going.  Even when I really don’t want to!

The fact of the matter is I'm being carried by a loving Heavenly Father who is bigger than my pain, bigger than my discouragement, bigger than my anger and He doesn't try to shush me and say “What will others think?” He doesn’t get offended when I don’t use clichés and the right words.  He just takes me in His arms, loves me and holds me when I hurt.  He lets me beat my fists against His chest and He hears my words of pain and anguish and doesn’t take it personally.  He knows my heart.  He knows me better than I can know myself and He still loves me.  He doesn’t throw meaningless words at me to cover the silence and He understands every emotion I have. 

Every day I wish Dave was alive and every day I wonder why God didn’t let me have more time with him.  I left my country, everything I had here and went to be with Dave on the other side of the world.  I gave him everything, loved him deeply (and still do) and prayed daily for God to help me be a godly wife and a godly woman. I sought to please God and in so doing, also honoured my husband, Dave.  I made friends there and loved Dave’s family as my own, his home was my home, his life was my life and I adjusted, adapted and moved forward with Dave.  But then, God took Dave home and I had to go back to Australia and start over again.

There are many times when I wish that it was me God took home and I even ask God to take me now, too. I would love to be in Heaven and not to have to deal with pain, sorrow, tears and all these changes and new things.  Sometimes I shout out (inwardly so that only God and I hear) that this is TOO hard, this is TOO much!!!  I want it easier and if I have to live, then give me a break and heal this pain already.  Why do I have to be strong? Why do I have to move forward and be a blessing to others when I am the one who is hurting?  Why do I have to start all over again in EVERYTHING??!!!  I mean, give me a break here! My husband passes away, I change countries, change homes, new job, new area, new start, make new friends, learn new routines, new challenges.. on and on!!!!!! It’s so not fair! And then there are the people who have words to tell me how I should do it and how it’s good that everything is all working out for me and how it’s good that it’s falling into place.  (And yes, there are also the friends who encourage me, help me, give me a shoulder to cry on and put up with me. Thank you. J )

But it’s not good! Or at least, it doesn’t feel good!  Why didn’t God let it all fall into place with Dave, in our home, in the States where we both belonged together?  Dave said to me on our first anniversary that things can only get better and we were both looking forward to moving forward together, just the two of us.

Sigh.  Take a deep breath.  Thank you Father, for knowing my heart, for understanding my pain, for loving me unconditionally and for not giving up on me.  Thank you for knowing me so well and knowing what I need.  Thank you for holding me at this time.  Thank you that even though I hurt so bad, You don’t get mad because You understand and You love me.  I don’t have to pretend with You.  I don’t have to say the right words to make You feel good.  I can just cry, hurt, and wonder why and You can handle it, and hold me.  Thank You.

But, seriously, (sorta) couldn’t I just ‘lose it’ once when someone comes to me and blabbers insignificant, ridiculous clichés that are nonsensical?  Couldn’t I just tell them what I really think and not have to ‘guard’ my words so that I don’t offend them?  After all, why should it be me who says “Thank you” and tries to be nice when their words are like a knife in my already hurting heart? 

Dancing With Joy In Molyullah

The magpies sang, the kookaburras laughed and other birds sang their distinctive songs.  A little robin flitted from branch to branch, bees buzzed around the lemons and their buds while butterflies danced together above the top of the bushes.  I sat inside this haven of rest, its high ceilings, mud bricks and partially closed curtains providing respite from the cacophony of worldly sounds and busyness.  When the kookaburra laughed and another one joined in, I realised that I had been missing that sound and I picked up my camera and obeyed the call to come and play in the Australian outdoors. 

I stood at the fence, breathing in the Euclyptus and Pine fresh air, looking outward to the gum trees, cows, and green hills beyond.  Without thinking, I leaned in a little closer, put out my hand and scratched it on the barbed wire.  A dead tree reached its lifeless limbs out to the thriving gum tree.  Was it trying to recall life, trying to remember the time when it swayed in the breeze and danced to the tune of fresh air and warm summer nights, when birds would make their nests in its sturdy branches and when lizards would run up and down the tree, looking for bugs and tree sap?

I sat down on the chopped down tree taking it all in.  I had been reading a book called, “The Great Dance” and another one called, “In My Father’s Vineyard” and at the same time pondering Dave’s mom’s thoughts of joy and all the words and their significance seemed to be flowing together, breathing life into my broken heart and asking me to come dance again in the love and security of a Heavenly Father who calls me His child and who surrounds me with His good, loving and strong arms, wiping away my tears and in a sense, giving me butterfly kisses of such tenderness while I grieve.

For the last 24 hours or so, when I was on my own, I cried out to my Father and asked Him what use is this time of ‘nothing’ and why leave me here on this earth, when I am not achieving anything and don’t have a purpose or plan.  When Dave was plucked out of this life, I was uprooted and plonked down on the other side of the ocean without the man, the dreams, the plans and the life that we had looked forward to. It feels like every step forward is a step further away from those hopes and dreams and I have nothing to replace it with.

I want to dance in the sunshine again, swim in the deep blue waters of the oceans, or even the muddy brown rivers that are shaded by the gum trees. I want to sing a song of hope and joy while standing under a gum tree or facing the rolling green hills dotted with cattle.

I read in the book, “The Great Dance”:

My aim is to pierce the veil so that we can see the sheer beauty of God, and in such light see what this God has planned for us and accomplished in Jesus Christ.  All of this is in the hope that we may see ourselves in an astonishing light, that we may discover our true identity – who we really are – and thus understand what is happening in our lives and move forward toward joy.

Yes, that is what I want to do and not only experience the joy but live in it so much that others are touched by joy too and want to share in the dance with me, with our Lord and King.  I want them to hear His laughter and know that He delights in us. I want us to know His love that is higher, deeper, wider and more pure than anything else this world has to offer.

But first, I want to have my broken heart made whole again so that I can move forward toward joy.