Thanksgiving and Joy

Today I learnt the truth behind the words that 'holidays' are the hardest for when you have lost a loved one.  I didn't think that I would feel so sad on Thanksgiving, especially being in Australia so not having it 'in my face' but the thing is, it did hurt.  Last Thanksgiving Dave was in California at a truck stop and the Thanksgiving before that was one of the pivotal moments when he started realising that he did want to share his life with me.  This Thanksgiving I am back in Australia wishing I could have celebrated at least one Thanksgiving with him, as his wife.

I also thought about how my family and friends in the US would be celebrating Thanksgiving without me.  I don't even know what Dianne was doing today for Thanksgiving.  She and I had spent the last two Thanksgivings together.  I wondered if any of my family missed me not being there with them this Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for, I know.  So many people have touched my life and given me so much, including my friends and family here.

Someone said to me recently that I am 'handling the grief' well.  Perhaps I am, but every night I cry, every morning I wake up and think of Dave.  I feel like I have to be strong and that the only way through this grief is to keep moving forward.  It's like a marathon.  Each day, I have to find a way to get through it so that I can wake up the next day and go through the motions again.  Except that I don't want to go through the motions.  I want to live again and celebrate with joy.

Mom Flowers is keen to remind me that my middle name is Joy and we've talked about real joy.  Today Karen gave me a special gift, just for no reason than she wanted to bless me. She gave me a little nicknack that has the word JOY with pink flowers painted on it and a little bird at the top of the letters. It is really sweet!  It seems like 'joy' will be my key word for 2012.

I'd had enough of just moping about today and needed to get out of the house so I coaxed Mikaela (Karen's daughter) into coming shopping with me at a shopping centre about an hour down the road.  Actually, it didn't take any effort at all to coax her, she was more than willing to come shopping with me. We had something to eat when we got there and I bought a set of horse/farm/bush type placemats which I really like!  I saw a teapot with books printed on it,  a stack of books for a lid and author names on the handle and I was so tempted to buy.  Maybe when I get paid for the work I do on December 6th, I will splurge on it.  I don't drink tea but I have friends who do and it would look rather good in my kitchen.

As we were coming home tonight, I played my Mandisa CD so that Mikaela could get to hear her music.  When this song came on, it reminded me that it's OK for me to cry and it's OK for me not to always be strong.

Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you telling me nothing's wrong
It's obvious you're not in a good place

Who's telling you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings get past
The corner of your eye

You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry

I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory, yeah, they're good
But life is hard, and days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty

So feel the things you're feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness
Loneliness and anger, let it out, let it out

You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry, just cry

It doesn't mean you don't trust Him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redeeming everything

You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry, ooh, just cry

Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face

Dancing With Joy In Molyullah

The magpies sang, the kookaburras laughed and other birds sang their distinctive songs.  A little robin flitted from branch to branch, bees buzzed around the lemons and their buds while butterflies danced together above the top of the bushes.  I sat inside this haven of rest, its high ceilings, mud bricks and partially closed curtains providing respite from the cacophony of worldly sounds and busyness.  When the kookaburra laughed and another one joined in, I realised that I had been missing that sound and I picked up my camera and obeyed the call to come and play in the Australian outdoors. 

I stood at the fence, breathing in the Euclyptus and Pine fresh air, looking outward to the gum trees, cows, and green hills beyond.  Without thinking, I leaned in a little closer, put out my hand and scratched it on the barbed wire.  A dead tree reached its lifeless limbs out to the thriving gum tree.  Was it trying to recall life, trying to remember the time when it swayed in the breeze and danced to the tune of fresh air and warm summer nights, when birds would make their nests in its sturdy branches and when lizards would run up and down the tree, looking for bugs and tree sap?

I sat down on the chopped down tree taking it all in.  I had been reading a book called, “The Great Dance” and another one called, “In My Father’s Vineyard” and at the same time pondering Dave’s mom’s thoughts of joy and all the words and their significance seemed to be flowing together, breathing life into my broken heart and asking me to come dance again in the love and security of a Heavenly Father who calls me His child and who surrounds me with His good, loving and strong arms, wiping away my tears and in a sense, giving me butterfly kisses of such tenderness while I grieve.

For the last 24 hours or so, when I was on my own, I cried out to my Father and asked Him what use is this time of ‘nothing’ and why leave me here on this earth, when I am not achieving anything and don’t have a purpose or plan.  When Dave was plucked out of this life, I was uprooted and plonked down on the other side of the ocean without the man, the dreams, the plans and the life that we had looked forward to. It feels like every step forward is a step further away from those hopes and dreams and I have nothing to replace it with.

I want to dance in the sunshine again, swim in the deep blue waters of the oceans, or even the muddy brown rivers that are shaded by the gum trees. I want to sing a song of hope and joy while standing under a gum tree or facing the rolling green hills dotted with cattle.

I read in the book, “The Great Dance”:

My aim is to pierce the veil so that we can see the sheer beauty of God, and in such light see what this God has planned for us and accomplished in Jesus Christ.  All of this is in the hope that we may see ourselves in an astonishing light, that we may discover our true identity – who we really are – and thus understand what is happening in our lives and move forward toward joy.

Yes, that is what I want to do and not only experience the joy but live in it so much that others are touched by joy too and want to share in the dance with me, with our Lord and King.  I want them to hear His laughter and know that He delights in us. I want us to know His love that is higher, deeper, wider and more pure than anything else this world has to offer.

But first, I want to have my broken heart made whole again so that I can move forward toward joy.