Today I learnt the truth behind the words that 'holidays' are the hardest for when you have lost a loved one. I didn't think that I would feel so sad on Thanksgiving, especially being in Australia so not having it 'in my face' but the thing is, it did hurt. Last Thanksgiving Dave was in California at a truck stop and the Thanksgiving before that was one of the pivotal moments when he started realising that he did want to share his life with me. This Thanksgiving I am back in Australia wishing I could have celebrated at least one Thanksgiving with him, as his wife.
I also thought about how my family and friends in the US would be celebrating Thanksgiving without me. I don't even know what Dianne was doing today for Thanksgiving. She and I had spent the last two Thanksgivings together. I wondered if any of my family missed me not being there with them this Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for, I know. So many people have touched my life and given me so much, including my friends and family here.
Someone said to me recently that I am 'handling the grief' well. Perhaps I am, but every night I cry, every morning I wake up and think of Dave. I feel like I have to be strong and that the only way through this grief is to keep moving forward. It's like a marathon. Each day, I have to find a way to get through it so that I can wake up the next day and go through the motions again. Except that I don't want to go through the motions. I want to live again and celebrate with joy.
Mom Flowers is keen to remind me that my middle name is Joy and we've talked about real joy. Today Karen gave me a special gift, just for no reason than she wanted to bless me. She gave me a little nicknack that has the word JOY with pink flowers painted on it and a little bird at the top of the letters. It is really sweet! It seems like 'joy' will be my key word for 2012.
I'd had enough of just moping about today and needed to get out of the house so I coaxed Mikaela (Karen's daughter) into coming shopping with me at a shopping centre about an hour down the road. Actually, it didn't take any effort at all to coax her, she was more than willing to come shopping with me. We had something to eat when we got there and I bought a set of horse/farm/bush type placemats which I really like! I saw a teapot with books printed on it, a stack of books for a lid and author names on the handle and I was so tempted to buy. Maybe when I get paid for the work I do on December 6th, I will splurge on it. I don't drink tea but I have friends who do and it would look rather good in my kitchen.
As we were coming home tonight, I played my Mandisa CD so that Mikaela could get to hear her music. When this song came on, it reminded me that it's OK for me to cry and it's OK for me not to always be strong.
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you telling me nothing's wrong
It's obvious you're not in a good place
Who's telling you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings get past
The corner of your eye
You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry
I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory, yeah, they're good
But life is hard, and days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things you're feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness
Loneliness and anger, let it out, let it out
You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry, just cry
It doesn't mean you don't trust Him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redeeming everything
You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry, ooh, just cry
Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
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