In Time

After such a positive interview, you would think that I was set to wait patiently and expectantly, without anxiety until early next week but no, not me.  The last 24 hours especially have been difficult for me with lots of questions and lots of mixed emotions and not all related to getting a job.  


On the job front, I kept wondering what I would do if I don't get the job.  When I looked at the jobs list, there were no Christian schools advertising for a teacher, in Victoria.  As I said to a friend recently, who suggested I look elsewhere, it's not even about getting a job per se.  It goes deeper than that.  If the circumstances were different, then I could look further afield but right now, I need to be in a place where I can heal, grow and establish myself again.  Sadly, establish myself as Mrs Flowers, without the Mr being alongside me.  That breaks my heart.


I know that God answers prayer but along with that, I know that He doesn't always answer prayer the way we want Him to, the way we ask Him to and in the time that we expect Him to.  I have seen close friends of mine, and family too, struggle with the discouragement that comes from unemployment, or from an illness that leads to death.  I know that He provides all that we need and that His timing is perfect.  He sees the end result (or as in the case of my last post, the horse trailer) and I only see a little bit of what I want, what I think is the 'perfect' goal and in actual fact, I can only see this moment and live this day.  I know the Bible verse, "Do not be anxious for anything" and "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own" but knowing and believing comes down to the seemingly often intangible, "Faith and Trust".  


Yet, as I said, for the last 24 hours, I have struggled with "What if God doesn't answer my prayers, then what am I going to do?"  It hurts.  It hurts sometimes more than I can express to be in this situation without Dave.  The main thing is not even being unemployed, or not having my own home, the real painful thing is, I don't have Dave.  There is no Dave at the end of the tunnel once I am healed.  Dave is not going to come and join me when I have a job, when I have my own place and when I start getting on with my life.  As I look ahead, moving forward because I have no alternative, as I try to dream and think about what I want, I keep coming back to the knowledge, that it is all without Dave.


To add to my heartbreak, I keep unearthing more things about Dave and about how hurt he was when he was living without me, or rather, existing.  I wish he was here so I could ask him "Why?"  Why did you do that? or What does this mean?  And I also wish I could have my time over again with him, love him that little bit more, hold him a little bit tighter and help him understand just how valuable and loved he is.  I wish we could do the things that he started wanting to do and I wish that he was with me now.  


I hope that as you read this post, you realise just how important it is to make the most of the time you have now and really love the ones you have been given to love.  Don't wait for  a 'better'  time, do it now.  Before we were married, Dave used to worry about the fact that he was somewhat older than me.  I used to reassure him that whatever time we had together was going to be as good as we made it, that we have no idea how much time we did have, so we needed to make the most of it.  For all we knew, I could have died first.  There are no guarantees in this life, only that we all will pass away sometime.


Now, on the up side of all that I started this post with, I did get a call from the Principal and I've been invited for a  2nd interview next Monday.  He explained also that the job is only for a year and asked me how I felt about it, at the same time reassuring me that it's highly possible, another teaching position will arise so that I could stay on.  For me, that is perfect because I don't know what I'll be doing in a year, or even what I want to be doing.  I need 12 months to re-establish myself and this seems like the perfect place for me.  Oh, I guess it must be perfect, if God is providing it for me.


Just in time, I am provided a job when I need it most which means I can also go and find a home, just in time, before my things from the States arrive.  Of course, it's all 'in time' - God's time.  Who woulda thunk it?


While I am excited about being able to settle down and move forward, there is another strong part of me that is also sad because Dave is not here to share it with me.  I miss him so much and moving forward, as I have said many times before, is like moving further away from my life with him.  That hurts, too.


I am thankful that God provides my every need.  I had an email from Mom Flowers and she said, "We love you so much and want the best for you as you adjust.  It is so beautiful to hear where your faith and trust is - In God alone."
The thing is if I didn't trust God at this time, I would have nothing at all to live for.  She told me to never give up.  Believe me, sometimes I think if I could, I would but I keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that God does have a purpose for me to be alive.  He does have a plan for me and in the end, His ways are higher than mine.


As Job replied to the Lord, 
 “I know that you can do all things; 
   no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 
 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ 
   Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, 
   things too wonderful for me to know.


Amen and me, too! Me, too Lord.