When driving around here, it's a bit like driving some places in Oregon. There are rolling green hills, bends, rivers, scenic views, bridges and road works. As I was driving back to Karen's this afternoon, I thought about how my life seems to be like those roads. Up, down, around the bend, roadworks (pain and growth), scenic views, (good times) and then there are the muddy parts that aren't so pretty. At least when I was out driving then, I had a destination.
Tomorrow afternoon is my interview which I am looking forward to because it gives me a destination. The thing is, that I hate suspense and some things I want settled yesterday. I want to know where I'll be living next year. As soon as I know I have the job, I want to go house hunting (to rent) even though I know that for all practical purposes I won't be moving in until mid December and even though I know that my things from the US won't be here until early January, 2012. I want to join a squash club, or even play netball or go to Zumba at the local fitness centre. I want to see what kind of a garden I will have because I do want to potter around in my own garden. I want to unpack and set up home and have friends come and visit me and I want to make new friends in the school and local community that I'll be living in next year.
I start looking forward to living and then a little bit of me feels guilty because I'm still grieving and shouldn't be enjoying myself. I know that's not true either. I miss Dave. Dave had an opinion about everything, even things he didn't know much about but I loved that about him. J I loved that I could go to him and tell him everything and that I would get a response from him. I loved that he wanted me to talk to him and tell him things and that he was glad that I listened to him and wanted to know his thoughts on issues. He would tell me about things, knowing that I did care and that he could be totally honest with me. I could tell him about decisions parents had made, things that kids had done at school, opinions that my friends had and he would tell me what he thought. He and I agreed about most things although his opinion was somewhat stronger than mine. He encouraged me to be confident in my opinions.
The last 24 hours I've been floundering wondering what I'm supposed to do with those thoughts that I can no longer share with him. I've wondered what I'm supposed to do with the memories that I treasured because it was him and me...us. How am I supposed to deal with the pain of not having him in my life anymore? When it all gets to be too much and especially as Christmas draws near, when I hear Christmas songs that talk about sharing Christmas with their loved one, I fight to hold back the tears. What are they doing playing "Walking in a Winter wonderland" when it's still over a month to Christmas and "Dreaming of a White Christmas" which is so irrelevant to Christmas in Australia, anyway?
Last year Wanda gave us 2 teddy bears joined together, that had a sign saying "Our first Christmas". Unbeknown to us, it was also our last Christmas together. Last year we went Christmas shopping together and Dave looked at lots of potential gifts for me. He won't be giving me any of those things that he wanted to give and I won't be receiving any presents from him. He always put a lot of effort into choosing the right card for me and for others. I am glad I kept the few cards that I received from him.
I know I will get through this time. Part of me wants to try and stuff all those grieving emotions down and pretend that it doesn't hurt but the hurt is also sweet. "It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all". I only hurt because I love Dave so much. I want to move forward with my life because I have to and there is no sense dwelling on 'my loss'. I can't change what has been and I don't want to. I know that if I had to do it all over again, I would. What I had with Dave and who I am today and what I will achieve tomorrow is so much interwoven. I am thankful for who Dave is to me, for the love that we shared and the relationship we enjoyed. I am thankful for the life I had with Dave but it’s time to start moving forward with purpose. I still add, "I just wish Dave was moving forward with me!"
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