My Hope, His Time

Would that grief would follow a set pattern, with fool proof instructions and be predictable.  Then I wouldn't have walked into that store this morning and wouldn't have thought about the special times between Dave and I, the intimacy we enjoyed and wouldn't have had to rush out the door, fighting back the tears.  After that, I walked around the shopping centre, looking at boring, non-threatening to my composure type stuff and bought a pretty pair of earrings that were cheap and a little wallet sized photo holder.  


The last couple of days I keep thinking about needing a job and needing a home, in that order and I know I have to just give it to God and not worry about it.  I have been very blessed because I have friends who have opened up their homes to me and given me an amazing amount of love and support during this difficult period of my life.  I don't want to be a burden and I don't want to be melancholy but unfortunately, grief can be unpredictable and there are times when I find it hard to move forward and be cheerful. My friends are very understanding towards me and they are priceless.


While I know that being here was the most practical decision for me, I still wonder why I came to Australia so soon, when all I'm doing is wandering from home to home and catching up with family and friends.  Meanwhile, my crate of things is getting closer and meant to arrive on December 11th and then it will still have to go through customs and may or may not be here until after Christmas.  Today I bought a beautiful bed which will also be ready for me by mid December.  I am trying to set up a home and look forward, without having a definite job and home to go to.  As the crate moves closer, the urgency of needing a job and a home fills my mind.


So yesterday I read Psalm 62 which says, v1 "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress I will never be shaken."
v 5-8  Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God.  He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.


Anyway, I glanced over at the Message and verse 1 reads:  God, the one and only -- I'll wait as long as He says.  Everything I need comes from Him.


So in case I missed it yesterday or maybe God knows me well and decided I needed to hear it again, today the reading was from Exodus 15:22-27 and the devotional thought said, "Even when our situation looks difficult, we can trust that God is leading.  He already knows what we'll need when we get there."


I do know all that and believe it to be true.  I do give it to God and trust Him.  I want to add a 'but' here but there is no buts, only Him.  I am not trying to be pious nor am I trying to pretend in order to make me (and others) feel good.  I obviously am struggling in this area and I am trying to make my feet walk the way my heart knows is the right way to go.  The thing is that grief is not something I can just 'snap out of it' and feel better, it's not a cough or a cold that I can take medicine for and watch it go away because at the moment, it's a state of being, it's with me all the time.  It's not something I can share with others and it's not contagious.  If I had my own home, I would have the privacy to deal with it in my own way and would be able to unwrap my new home and see something tangible, a move forward in my life.


All I can say is: "So help me, Father God". I need to hope in Him and wait for as long as He takes, knowing that He will provide all I need as He leads me forward, each step of the way.