First Day of Aussie Summer 2011

The first day of Summer was the day it should be with blue skies, fluffy white clouds and a gentle breeze.  The mountains stood majestically behind the tall gum trees, butterflies flitted over the shrubs and magpies sang their pretty song.  In the distance a lawn mower could be heard and a chain saw too, people went about their daily business.  


Sometimes when I wake up, there is such a sense of loss and heartbreak that I barely want to get up and live. Tears fell freely today, as I drove to a small country town called Shepparton and at times, my vision was blurred.  I licked the salty taste of tears and dabbed at my eyes with my fingers so that I could continue driving.  I thought of pulling over but why would I stop?  And then, if I stopped, I doubted the tears would stop.  I tried to think of other things but like Gretel, my heart said, "Why don't I feel better?"  Except that I knew why.


I went to a bookstore and found a couple books that I had been looking for, that I will be able to use next Tuesday when I introduce myself to the class and when they respond likewise.  I am looking forward to teaching them and sharing with them the wonderful stories, pictures and even Maths equations, that will be ours for 2012.  I found books about bicycles, stories of Australian history that involved horses and even a big book of indoor and outdoor games that will remind me of the games I already know and teach me fun games that I can use with the students.  


I received a phone call from a real estate and I have a home which is only 1km (0.6 miles) from the school I'll be teaching at.  I'll be able to ride, walk or drive depending on my energy levels, the time I have and the amount of 'stuff', e.g. books, that I'll be carrying with me.  I am happy with the place and I will be moving in next weekend (9th & 10th Dec.) so I'll be able to be settled by Christmas and when my things arrive from the US, they will have a home to be unpacked in.


Why don't I feel better?

As I walked back to my car from shopping, I saw a saddle store and decided to walk in and 'smell' the leather of saddles, touch the bridles and admire the 'western' clothing.  I looked at the prices of a Wrangler shirt and decided that I already had enough western clothing and as the tears threatened again, I moved out of the store and almost, but not quite, ran to the car and drove back to the place I am staying at.  I still feel tired and drained.


I am thankful that everything is falling into place.  I am thankful for the new job and for my home.  I am thankful for the friends and family who are so encouraging, loving and supportive.  But even the expression "falling into place" irks me.  Dave and I wanted everything to fall into place for our life together.   While we were away for our first anniversary, we said that everything should be easier for us now because it had been tough!  We weren't to know then, that we'd only have 6 more weeks together.  

Yes, it's a good day but inside, my heart still aches for Dave.

Thanksgiving and Joy

Today I learnt the truth behind the words that 'holidays' are the hardest for when you have lost a loved one.  I didn't think that I would feel so sad on Thanksgiving, especially being in Australia so not having it 'in my face' but the thing is, it did hurt.  Last Thanksgiving Dave was in California at a truck stop and the Thanksgiving before that was one of the pivotal moments when he started realising that he did want to share his life with me.  This Thanksgiving I am back in Australia wishing I could have celebrated at least one Thanksgiving with him, as his wife.

I also thought about how my family and friends in the US would be celebrating Thanksgiving without me.  I don't even know what Dianne was doing today for Thanksgiving.  She and I had spent the last two Thanksgivings together.  I wondered if any of my family missed me not being there with them this Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for, I know.  So many people have touched my life and given me so much, including my friends and family here.

Someone said to me recently that I am 'handling the grief' well.  Perhaps I am, but every night I cry, every morning I wake up and think of Dave.  I feel like I have to be strong and that the only way through this grief is to keep moving forward.  It's like a marathon.  Each day, I have to find a way to get through it so that I can wake up the next day and go through the motions again.  Except that I don't want to go through the motions.  I want to live again and celebrate with joy.

Mom Flowers is keen to remind me that my middle name is Joy and we've talked about real joy.  Today Karen gave me a special gift, just for no reason than she wanted to bless me. She gave me a little nicknack that has the word JOY with pink flowers painted on it and a little bird at the top of the letters. It is really sweet!  It seems like 'joy' will be my key word for 2012.

I'd had enough of just moping about today and needed to get out of the house so I coaxed Mikaela (Karen's daughter) into coming shopping with me at a shopping centre about an hour down the road.  Actually, it didn't take any effort at all to coax her, she was more than willing to come shopping with me. We had something to eat when we got there and I bought a set of horse/farm/bush type placemats which I really like!  I saw a teapot with books printed on it,  a stack of books for a lid and author names on the handle and I was so tempted to buy.  Maybe when I get paid for the work I do on December 6th, I will splurge on it.  I don't drink tea but I have friends who do and it would look rather good in my kitchen.

As we were coming home tonight, I played my Mandisa CD so that Mikaela could get to hear her music.  When this song came on, it reminded me that it's OK for me to cry and it's OK for me not to always be strong.

Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you telling me nothing's wrong
It's obvious you're not in a good place

Who's telling you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings get past
The corner of your eye

You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry

I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory, yeah, they're good
But life is hard, and days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty

So feel the things you're feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness
Loneliness and anger, let it out, let it out

You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry, just cry

It doesn't mean you don't trust Him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redeeming everything

You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek

It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry, ooh, just cry

Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face