Actually, to be honest, I don't have much to say. My heart is hurting, Christmas is coming, things are falling into place but I find it hard to be content and stay positive. I don't want to be positive when I am hurting without Dave. I don't want to face Christmas without Dave. I don't want to try and see something to celebrate just because I 'should' and I am angry, at times. Yes, things are falling into place and yes, I have a lot to be thankful and yes, there are people who have it harder than me (except if we aren't supposed to compare, how can they be more worse off than me?).
I am supposed to trust God and rejoice in this situation but I don't want to. And you know what? God can handle it. Even if I don't voice it out loud, God knows what my heart is feeling and He knows what I am thinking. Yes, I can be positive so that those reading my blog posts can see God's hand in my life and feel good in themselves that I am moving on. But as I wrote on Facebook, I don't always want to be brave. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide and do something ridiculously foolish or just ‘lose it’. But people like you love me and are praying for me, so I keep getting up in the morning and keep going. Even when I really don’t want to!
The fact of the matter is I'm being carried by a loving Heavenly Father who is bigger than my pain, bigger than my discouragement, bigger than my anger and He doesn't try to shush me and say “What will others think?” He doesn’t get offended when I don’t use clichés and the right words. He just takes me in His arms, loves me and holds me when I hurt. He lets me beat my fists against His chest and He hears my words of pain and anguish and doesn’t take it personally. He knows my heart. He knows me better than I can know myself and He still loves me. He doesn’t throw meaningless words at me to cover the silence and He understands every emotion I have.
Every day I wish Dave was alive and every day I wonder why God didn’t let me have more time with him. I left my country, everything I had here and went to be with Dave on the other side of the world. I gave him everything, loved him deeply (and still do) and prayed daily for God to help me be a godly wife and a godly woman. I sought to please God and in so doing, also honoured my husband, Dave. I made friends there and loved Dave’s family as my own, his home was my home, his life was my life and I adjusted, adapted and moved forward with Dave. But then, God took Dave home and I had to go back to Australia and start over again.
There are many times when I wish that it was me God took home and I even ask God to take me now, too. I would love to be in Heaven and not to have to deal with pain, sorrow, tears and all these changes and new things. Sometimes I shout out (inwardly so that only God and I hear) that this is TOO hard, this is TOO much!!! I want it easier and if I have to live, then give me a break and heal this pain already. Why do I have to be strong? Why do I have to move forward and be a blessing to others when I am the one who is hurting? Why do I have to start all over again in EVERYTHING??!!! I mean, give me a break here! My husband passes away, I change countries, change homes, new job, new area, new start, make new friends, learn new routines, new challenges.. on and on!!!!!! It’s so not fair! And then there are the people who have words to tell me how I should do it and how it’s good that everything is all working out for me and how it’s good that it’s falling into place. (And yes, there are also the friends who encourage me, help me, give me a shoulder to cry on and put up with me. Thank you. J )
But it’s not good! Or at least, it doesn’t feel good! Why didn’t God let it all fall into place with Dave, in our home, in the States where we both belonged together? Dave said to me on our first anniversary that things can only get better and we were both looking forward to moving forward together, just the two of us.
Sigh. Take a deep breath. Thank you Father, for knowing my heart, for understanding my pain, for loving me unconditionally and for not giving up on me. Thank you for knowing me so well and knowing what I need. Thank you for holding me at this time. Thank you that even though I hurt so bad, You don’t get mad because You understand and You love me. I don’t have to pretend with You. I don’t have to say the right words to make You feel good. I can just cry, hurt, and wonder why and You can handle it, and hold me. Thank You.
But, seriously, (sorta) couldn’t I just ‘lose it’ once when someone comes to me and blabbers insignificant, ridiculous clichés that are nonsensical? Couldn’t I just tell them what I really think and not have to ‘guard’ my words so that I don’t offend them? After all, why should it be me who says “Thank you” and tries to be nice when their words are like a knife in my already hurting heart?
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