There is nothing like losing a spouse. I have lost everything. When I wake up in the morning, I'm alone and throughout the day, I am still alone. When I need to be comforted, my husband is not there and everyone else has their own families to get comfort from. I am in a completely new place and my home is on the other side of the world. You may have one thing in common with me, you may be able to relate to one of the facets of my grief, but you do not know it in all it's totality.
Dave was my home. He knew that and my plans were to be with him for many years to come. He was teaching me how to run our home, our property, encouraging me to make this our home and we had plans for our home and our lives together. Now, there is nothing left but a few memories. I was recently reading the biography of a lady whose husband had cancer and she said that she pitied the person who lost their husband suddenly because they didn't have time to say goodbye. I am not going to try and compare which is worse but the thing is, not only didn't we have time to say goodbye, we didn't have time to really establish ourselves and our home, we didn't have time to see any fruit for the plans, the dreams, the hopes that we had shared.
I feel like when Dave was snatched from this earth, I was uprooted and plonked on the other side of the world. Everyone got on with their lives in a similar way, same ol' routine, with their loved ones around them, but not me. I had to go and start all over again, completely. Last night, I was lying in bed thinking about how I've gotten through this one "milestone/ significant" day, now I still have to get through... Valentines Day, Dave's birthday, Easter, our first anniversary..... It's like I plod along, preparing for the next difficult day, it happens, then I have to get ready for the next one and hope to survive that too. Yes, I had a good Christmas day but the heartache was still with me and it seems to be worse, the day after.
So, this morning, I put on my cowboy boots to remind me of my home with Dave and went for a drive because I needed to buy a printer, an office chair and I also wanted to buy a school bag 'on wheels' for when I walk to work as of Febrary 2012. I put the printer in my office but didn't connect it up and unpacked the box of parts for the plush, office chair. After finding the instructions, I tried to assemble it and when I couldn't even attach a wheel, I 'lost it'. I threw a part of it on the floor, ripped the bubble wrap, cried and went and laid down on my big bed and cried a whole lot more.
"It's not fair! I didn't ask for this! I am tired of having to face new challenges every day, on my own, without Dave. I am tired of grieving. I am tired of crying. I am tired of hurting. I don't want to start all over again. God, it's not fair! I want to go home to Dave. I want to be safe with Dave. I want us to have our life together. You're asking too much of me, God!!!" (Perhaps I am still in stage 3.)
I came back to the living room and saw the parts all over the floor and cried some more. I tried again but still couldn't do it. It's still there as a reminder of what I can't do and the challenge of just living by myself and having to deal with things on my own.I read recently a quote by C.S. Lewis: "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
Oh, can I relate to that! Exactly and Amen! That's all I have to say for today.
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