Dealing With Grief Daily

I began reading the book, "Good Grief" last night and read,

 "The death of a loved one isn't really something you ever get over," the group leader explains, leaning forward in her chair...."Instead one morning you wake up and it's not the first thing you think of."
While I know she's right, I can't imagine that this morning will ever come to my  house.

When I read that I wondered, what about whether it will still be the last thing I think of before going to sleep, the almost continuous thinking of it/him throughout the day.  When does it stop distracting me? I went shopping at Hallmark for some gifts today and on the bag there is a list of anniversaries.  As I glanced over the list I thought about how we only got to our first anniversary and will never get to another.  When I go shopping and see everything getting ready for Thanksgiving, I think about how last Thanksgiving, Dave was in a truck stop on his own, down in California and this year, I won't even get to share Thanksgiving with him.  It's my birthday in 2 days time.  Last year, he drove really hard to make sure he got here by my birthday, this year he will not be coming home. 

On Saturday, I'm going to go get my hair done and he won't be around to tell me how it looks and I won't be able to impress him, look good for him.  I see Halloween decorations up, Christmas decorations...  What is my Christmas going to be like this year?  It won't be a white Christmas and Dave will not be here.  All the plans, the dreams, the hopes, for us together, none of it will happen.  The thoughts first thing in the morning, throughout the day and before I go to sleep are of Dave and us, are of what we planned, and are of what I am missing.  They're never far from my mind and sometimes little things trigger the grief, such as the back of the Hallmark bag with the list of anniversaries.  When those grief moments come, tears are close but I have to take a deep breath and try and turn my attention to something else other than who I am missing and why.

I had lunch with four good friends today.  It's Linda's birthday today, Janice's birthday tomorrow and mine on the 8th, so along with our friend Wanda, we went and had a great time together.  We even got servings of dessert for free!  Yummy!!  Anyway, we were talking about trusting God and I know without a doubt that God loves me and will provide all that I need.  I know all this and I believe it but then Janice came out with some words that I told her I was definitely going to put on my blog.   She said, "It still would be nice to not have to trust Him every moment" and I laughed and yet I totally understand what she meant.  It seems that all I have left at the moment is to trust God in every moment, for every moment, for every breath, for every problem I'm dealing with, every knot in my stomach, every tear that I cry and even when I'm enjoying something.  I know it's not a bad thing to trust Him every moment and yes, it is making me stronger and growing me into being the woman God created me to be but, it certainly doesn't come naturally and not always easily.

Anyway, just on a more lighthearted note, I thought I'd share with you about our first anniversary.  Because we didn't have a honeymoon, I decided that we would go away for the weekend of our anniversary, probably to Montana and have a romantic, just the two of us, time together.  A week before this happened, Dave's youngest daughter (17 y.o.) told us about a combine demolition derby on that same weekend and Dave, being Dave decided that's what we would do instead.   I told him that we can do it, but it is NOT our honeymoon, just a fun weekend. 

It certainly was a fun weekend and there were moments of romance throughout it.  We stayed in a nice hotel that had a swimming pool and spa which Dave and I did make use of it.  He was in his element anyway at a combine demo derby and we did have a great time.   On the way home, we stopped at Costco to do some shopping and he spotted a Belgium waffle maker and he thought that would make a great anniversary present for me.   Since he was the one who makes the waffles, I figured that really was a great present.  Anyway, that night I put a frozen dinner in the oven to 'complete' our very red-neck anniversary.  

A few weeks after that, we were sitting alone together and Dave commented how after Dianne was married and Nathan had gone back home, we would have the place to ourselves and he told me how much he was looking forward to it.  During our anniversary, I had also reminded him that we would be having a romantic weekend away together, probably sometime in September before the weather turned cold.  When we were talking about having been married for a year, Dave said, "Well, it's been a tough year but things can only get better from here."  We did expect life to be getting a little easier for us and we were looking forward to our future together.  Make the most of every day because you never know just how life can change in a heartbeat.

You know something else, when I look at photos of him and I, photos of him hugging me, holding my hand, etc., each time I remember how that really felt.  I remember how his hand felt when he held mine and how his face felt when I traced his features, how I felt when he held me tight.  I remember.