Life and Changes

I was sitting on the doorstep, enjoying the sunshine while eating my cheese and ham sandwich, with a diet coke in my other hand, when I heard a rustling in the pumpkin patch next to me.  I decided to investigate.  I looked as close as I dared when I saw the beady eyes, the pointy type head and the scaly skin.  I hoped that the bump protruding from around shoulder height was a leg and not perhaps a mouse being swallowed by a snake!  I moved back to the other side and gingerly parted leaves and as I couldn’t see a long coiled body, and definitely saw a little leg, I sighed with relief knowing it was a lizard and not a snake.   Now that I’m back in Oz land, I have to consider that 9/10 of the most venomous snakes of the world live in Australia.

As I was walking down the street today, I noticed an older couple walking on the other side of the road.  He was pushing a walker and she walked beside him, matching his pace.  I thought about how I will never get the opportunity to grow old with Dave.  We had joked about growing old together and looked forward to being together in our old age. 

Further along, I noticed changes to the town.  The local primary school where I had done CRT work at (subbing) now boasted new buildings and a kindergarten facility for 3 and 4 year olds.  The local bowls green was holding a competition and I laughed to myself because I’m not patient enough to take up a sport like bowls.  New buildings were in progress and life has gone on with changes being made.  Just like me.  Over the past two years especially, I have had many changes to my life, ones that included Dave.

There is a huge hole in my heart now that he used to fill.  There are so many things I want to share with him, talk about with him and hear his opinion on. Living here and getting on with my life without him, was not part of our plan.  I really didn’t fully comprehend just how much a part of my life he has been, not even just for the last 2 or 3 years, but beyond that, when we were first friends more than ten years ago.  We talked about so many things, shared our lives and our stories, even though we lived on different sides of the world.  He would tell me about his family, his friends, the things that he was doing, and I would share my ‘world’ with him.  When we joined our lives together, he and I merged into ‘one’ and we lived in the same world, yet still had stories to share from our differing daily doings.

I tried on some clothes at Target and wondered whether Dave would like them and then ‘remembered’ and wondered why I even bother because he’s not here to impress.  I once told him that when I dress, I want to look good for him.  I don’t have the same motivation to dress up anymore.

When I was walking down the street, I thought about how Dave said not long before he passed away, that I was in better shape now than I was when I first came and lived in the States.  He thought that I would have no problem feeding and watering the horses during this coming winter.  I wondered how I could be fitter when before that, I had been walking and swimming in Australia, regularly?  Oh well, since I don’t have a car, walking and riding my bike are my means of getting around.  There are some cars I like that I will go and look at on the weekend with Nathan and his girlfriend, Melanie.  At the moment, I’m thinking that my car will need to be a hatchback big enough to throw my bike in so that I can do a lot more riding on trails in this state of Victoria.

The sun is shining brightly and it’s a warm day.  My washing is on the clothesline, drying outside.  I guess it’s probably a lot cooler at home now than here and home seems so far away.  I know I have to keep moving forward so that I can get to the other side but I wish Dave was alive, I wish I could go horse riding today and I wish some things hadn’t changed!