Last night I sat and talked with Dad Flowers about Heaven and about Dave being there. What is Heaven like? Heaven is a place of perfection, of no tears, pain, or regrets. We'll have new bodies and not these frail, weak, sick bodies that we've learned to live with. We'll be in the presence of the living God and I'm sure the things of 'earth will go strangely dim' compared to the world we live in on earth where there is so much pain, sickness and evil. I talked to a friend, Geoff, the other day and he told me that when he gets to Heaven, he's got a few questions he's going to ask God. When his wife died of cancer about 4 years ago, he was left to bring up 2 young daughters, he lost a large sum of money, his business changed and he even lost his ministry. In response, he got angry at God and wondered what he had done to anger God so much. Personally, I think that when we get to Heaven, all of the questions we have, will be gone as soon as we see Him face to face. The things we hold so dearly here, will not matter at all. Geoff said that it's like Job. He'd been questioning God through all his trials but when God spoke to him, Job was speechless. (Job 37 & 38)
I went out for dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday, my father-in-law's birthday and my sister-in-law's birthday and as I sat next to Rhonda, I again said that when I think of all I have lost over the last 18 months, I still feel that it would have been better for God to have taken me instead of Dave. I don't want to start all over again. I don't want to deal with the crap that I'm dealing with and I don't like the pain and heartbreak I'm experiencing right now. I miss Dave so much. Being here with his parents is wonderful, but in a couple of days, I'll have to say goodbye to them too. I still want to have the life that Dave and I were going to have but I want it with him. It's hard to convey just how much this hurts and I don't want to come across as whinging and full of self-pity. It's all just part of grief.
Rhonda said to me, what I've heard from other people who love me and believe in me also say, that God didn't take me home yet because I'm still here for a purpose. Who knows what God is going to do in my life? Who knows what 'great things' He has in store for me? While I try to believe that, and in my heart I do know that, it doesn't really stop the tears but yes, it is comforting to know that in the midst of all this hurt, He is walking beside me, constantly loving me and He will make it all good.
You've probably realised that songs are playing an important part in my healing as they remind me of the truths I need to hear. Another song that played constantly yesterday, then played on the radio tonight, is by Jeremy Camp called, "Walk by Faith". I do want to walk by faith and trust God even though it all seems so dark and uncertain right now. These are the words:
Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya
[chorus]
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
[chorus x2]
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith
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