What's To Become of Me?

I've been thinking about my recent conversations with my son, Nathan and close friends and some statements I have made that I am going to do and be myself without apology and if I want to do something new, then I will.  As I was packing up my things at home in order to come back to Australia, I realised that I had made a lot of changes in my short life in the States and while I had done a lot of new things that I enjoyed, I had also put behind me, some things that I enjoyed in Australia.  Well, at home in Reardan, there were no squash courts nearby and no heated swimming pool around the corner either.  The bike hanging up in the 'shop was dirty and had cobwebs on it and really, there wasn't any bike tracks either.  So as I  move forward in life, I have to unpack the stuff that is important to me and who I am.

I was talking to Mom and Dad (Dave's parents) on Skype and Mom said, "When you have moved on in your life, if you ever forget us, I will still have your blog posts."  I asked Mom if she really thought that I would ever forget my life there and the family and friends who are still such a part of my life.  The fact is, when I look over my life even the last 10+ years, I see how much Dave has been a part of it.  Even when we were only friends, he still influenced me in my thinking and my decisions.  He encouraged me to be more confident in what I believe and to know why I believed what I did.  Who I have become, even today, has been impacted by Dave and my time in the States and I have grown because of the challenges and changes I dealt with while I was married to Dave.

I told Nathan that while I was in the States, I had the life that I wanted but unfortunately, because Dave worked long hours, I didn't get to share it with him as much as I wanted.  I loved riding my horse, I loved living out in the country and the wide open spaces and I would have loved to have gone camping with Dave.  Now that I am on my own, I am not prepared to settle for 'less', or to have/be second best.  If I want to go to a tractor pull, then why not if I can?  As I was driving home yesterday, I thought that now I need to see if all I have thought and said, is going to happen.  Am I going to move forward or am I going to get stuck in the rut of the same ol' same ol'?

Partly one of the reasons I went driving after the interview on Wednesday was because of who I am.  I enjoy driving, (especially with my new car) I love the beach and I love the Great Ocean Road.  So why not?  The scenery was so beautiful which also reminded me that I want to do more 'professional' photography. 

Dave and I had discussed me getting an SLR camera over the last year or so because, as I told him, "To be involved in the fairs, I don't enjoy baking, vegetable garden or quilting but I can do photography."  He laughed but he agreed that it was something to think about.

Anyway, let's see who I continue to become.  I haven't heard yet about that job.  It would have been nice to know since this is the long weekend coming up, but at the same time, I realise that it is in the Lord's hands and He knows what I need, so if I don't know, then at this moment, I don't 'need' to know.

As I drove home, I had my CD on, hoping to hear a song but I couldn't remember what CD it was on.  Anyway, finally tired of my music, I turned on the radio and the song I was wanting to hear came on so I turned it up loudly to sing along with it.  I got part way through the song and couldn't sing anymore... Sometimes I cry at the most unexpected times - it can be quite inconvenient.

This is some of the words to the song:

But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light (light)
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight

You got the music in you
Don't let go
You got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give