Good Grief

I was thinking today that 'grief' isn't bad.  It is a natural process of dealing with loss.  If we didn't grieve, then we haven't lost anything to grieve about.  But the thing about grief is that it's so entwined with our emotions, with reality and with our memories, that it becomes unpredictable... which is why we are counselled not to make any major decisions in the first year of our grief. ☺ The problem with that counsel is that life goes on and we must go on too.

Since Dave passed away, (55 days, 14 hours and 20 minutes ago) my grief has led me in different directions, twisting and pulling at my heart, making me worry about one thing, causing me to misunderstand good intentions, jumbling up words when I speak, feeling happy, sad, hurt, lost, empty, hopeful.......and there are even times I feel like I am coping well.  Coping well gives a false sense of security because then I think I've got it all under control and I'm 'good to go'.  While I'm coping well, I have a hint of guilt because I wonder if that means I've moved on since Dave has gone and didn't love him as deeply as I thought.  

On the weekend, I was working on the clothes in the closet, both Dave's and mine, trying to figure out what I should keep, pack and what I should throw away.  I was sitting on the floor folding clothes and feeling like I was coping well despite the circumstances.  Dan (Dave's brother) had found my Keith Urban CD tucked away in the office so was playing it to see if it still worked.  I was enjoying the music and then the song that Dave and I used to walk on our wedding day, came on, "Only You Can Love Me This Way".

Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand

That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way

Well, so much for coping well.  Even now when I read those words again, tears start rolling down my cheeks. 

And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way

The problem is, when it all becomes too much, he isn't here.  I cried.  I walked down to the pasture to nuzzle with the horses but I walked slowly and the tears blurred my vision so instead I sat on a rock and cried some more.  On my way back to the house, I saw that the horses had gone into the corral, so I took Dave's horse Stormy and groomed her, combed her mane and her tail and when I was done, went back inside the house and sorted out some more of the closet.

The house is so empty now and the weather has turned cold with grey skies.  It rained during the night.  Time is slipping by and it will be too soon before I leave my home here and return to Australia.  I still haven't sold my car which must be done before I leave, I still don't have a job which means I can't find my own home to live in until I do and there are still more goodbyes to said.  Needless to say, I feel a little anxious about the future and feel a bit emotionally vulnerable.   But, I know that God does understand all, does love me 'extravagantly' and He does know what I need. 

I went and checked emails this morning and smiled when I read this:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27 And then there was a quote from Sir Winston Churchill: When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened. In my grief, I understand that I do have to place today and my future into God's hands.  It's OK to cry, to be in pain, to feel like my heart is breaking, to wonder what normal is anymore and to wonder what is going to happen.  It's OK to grieve but I need to remember that God loves me far more deeply than I can imagine and that I am valuable to Him.  He is right here with me, carrying me, holding me, giving me all that I need and for all of that, I am so very thankful! Hey look!  The sun is trying to peep through the grey clouds.