Walk This Journey On My Own

Tears, Loneliness, Empty,
Love, Friendship, Alone
Torn, Hopeful, Hopeless,
Heartbroken, Sorrow, Pain

Friends cite well-meant words
They want to help carry the burden
But they can't
This is my journey
To walk on my own

Tissues soak up the tears
But the tears keep coming
They stop for a moment
Then pour down again

Falling in love
Loving friends and family
Giving my heart
But when they leave
I walk on my own

I once said to Dave that it seems like it would be easier to not love at all, to not care because then I wouldn't get hurt. He told me that we were created to love, to give, to care and we become more like Christ when we do.  He pointed out the ugly alternative to kindness, loving and caring.  I have heard the quote "It is better to love and to have lost, than to have never loved at all." 

I just want Dave alive again.  I want him to come comfort me, put his strong arms around me and hold me tight.  I want him to say the words that I need to hear that no one else can say because they're his words.  Except if he was here, those words wouldn't need to be said.  But now that he is gone, I have to walk on my own.

I know there is hope in Christ and that He is carrying me through all this.  All my memories, all the treasures that Dave and I shared, the home that we shared, the dreams, the hope for more, is all packed away.  And I am alone in our home, having to walk this journey on my own.  There is no one on this earth who can make it all better for me, no matter how much they want to... they know it, and I know it. 

And all too soon, I will leave our home and go back to Australia.  Was my much-too-short time here with Dave, the love and life I lived here, the friendships and love for family, worth all the pain I now feel, the pain of leaving?  I am changed.  I am a little different despite people thinking I am the same.  My home is not here anymore.  Did I read (or maybe hear in a song) that it's good to feel like that because then it gets us thinking about where our 'real' home is, where our real treasure is.. Heaven.  I know that is true but it doesn't stop the hurt of being here to walk this journey on my own.

Now, in addition to the sorrow of not having my very-much loved husband here with me, I will be saying goodbye to friends and family who have such a hold on my heart too.  The pain continues and increases as the goodbyes are said or unsaid but still there.  I know I have to walk this journey on my own but how much more pain can I endure??? I hate goodbyes!  I hate leaving, knowing that wherever I end up on this earth, Dave will not be there to welcome me home.

I have to walk this journey on my own. 

(Yes I know, I walk it with Christ by my side.. but on this part of the journey, I am walking on my own with regards to there being no one from earth, by my side.)