Never Once... In My Grief

This morning when I was showering, I had to open a new bottle of conditioner.  As I opened it, I remembered where it came from.  I had bought it from Walmart but when I was unpacking groceries, I couldn't find it anywhere so the next day, I went out and bought another large bottle.  Weeks later, Dave came home and handed me the bottle of conditioner and said, "I got this for you" and when I asked where he'd gotten it from, he said "From the store".  Dave doesn't ever go shopping and then he admitted he'd found it in the back of the Suburban that day.  Another time, he came home and handed me a bottle of diet coke that had somehow rolled under the seat in the truck.  I remembered when I'd lost it and had looked all through my car, under the truck and in the truck but it didn't turn up until weeks later either.  He was always amused when he found little things like that for me.

As I've gone through this day, it seems like so many songs keep coming to my mind.  I do not understand people who don't enjoy music or who aren't moved by lyrics and/or wordless music. 

The first song was "Friends" with the lyrics: "Packing up the dreams God planted, in the fertile soil of you..." and my mind crossed to the thought that tomorrow a guy will be coming in to assess all the things I will be taking back to Australia with me.  He will put a price on the memories and sentiment that I can store into a couple of crates.  I will be packing up all the dreams and plans I'd had shared with Dave.  As the song went on, I thought about how hard it will be to say goodbye to my family and friends here.  I can envision being a blubbering mess on that 24 hour flight (and layover time) from here to there.

Another song which really touches me is sung by Matt Redman called, "Never Once" and the lyrics go like this: 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Bridge

Scars and struggles on the way 

But with joy our hearts can say 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Carried by Your constant grace 

Held within Your perfect peace 

Never once, no, we never walk alone 

Ending Chorus

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace 

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

I wrote on Facebook today that it's a day for eating cake and chocolate, staying in the house and not answering the phone.  I know that people love me and are doing all they can to support me and show love to me in practical ways and by just being there, but there's a part of me that recognises that I have to walk on this garden trail alone at times... well alone, but with the Lord by my side.. or Him carrying me.  What I am going through is unique to my situation and it's sometimes easy for me to think that this hurts so much that no one else really can understand, no one else has any idea of just how painful this time is. 

I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own pain, so debilitated by my grief, that I can't empathise with the trials others are going through.  My mum always said, "You can't compare pain" and yet, here I am, comparing my pain. 

Checklist: 

1. Loss of Spouse - Nth degree of grief and aloneness.  No support from my beloved, while I go through the other painful issues such as...
2. Homeless - Not only that but moving to another country where I won't be in my own home.
3. Unemployed - Applying for jobs in a different country to where I am living now
4. Physical Pain or Sickness - OK, well that one I can't check.
5. Saying "goodbye" - I have made so many friends and family and I love them so much and now I am leaving them.

I want to be me, the bubbly, confident woman that others used to see and not be a woman who jumps at every perceived noise coming from mouths of others, the unknown or indifference... or something, I don't know.  I don't want to be "needy" so that others feel I can't hear their pain or that they can't get sympathy or support from me.  And yet, I also feel I have a right to be in emotional turmoil, to not be able to take more than one step at a time, to say things that don't make sense because of my hurt and for people to be understanding and make allowances for me because of my grief.   But I feel guilty for thinking I have a right to be in emotional turmoil too. ☺

There is a part of me though,if I dig down deep enough, that knows the seed of hope is still there.  I know that sometime, one day, I will blossom again, the pretty colours of the flower garden will dance in the sunshine, if I just keep moving forward.