Little Things Unravel Me

Last night I was lying in bed, thinking of all the things I could blog about, mostly pertaining to the Women of Faith weekend.  Titles such as "Decisions", "Choices" and "Changes".  I had little anecdotes of things Dave and I did/said to illustrate those headings.  I went to sleep knowing that, while titles are well and good, this blog probably won't happen quite so succinctly.  I can make plans but if anything I have learnt since Dave passed away on August 2nd, is that plans don't always happen the way we want them to.  Over the last two days, we were reminded that no matter what our plans are, if they don't work out the way we hope, sometimes they work out even better.  While I know that is true, I can't see how there can be a better plan than Dave and I spending a few more years together but there is the hope that God will make it better.  Anyway, getting past the rambling on, I wanted to tell you, it's the little things that unravel me.

At 6:40am today, Riley (the dog) starts whining outside my bedroom door because he wants to get up and get at 'em for the day.  Riley likes chasing... mice, rabbits, birds, other dogs.  He's a black labrador and although he's sometimes teased as being 'stupid/dumb', he lives his life the best way he knows how.  I let him outside and he goes bounding off, probably to go play with the neighbour's dog and I consider staying up so that I can go to church this morning.  With some flimsy excuse that sounds reasonable to me, I crawl back into bed and sleep a couple more hours.

It rained last night and the rain dampened the top of the yard but didn't do anything to dampen the horses' water trough.  I woke up to the tin banging, and having heard this noise last week, I knew it wasn't the wind blowing the roof off.  There was no wind.  Zane, the 7yr old gelding leads the other 3 horses in their 'call' for more water.  Together, they kick at and push the water trough, making a loud noise and even succeed in moving the trough out of its original position.  I throw on some clothes from the night before and when I am close, scold them and tell them that if they left the trough in the place it's supposed to be, they would get water more quickly because I could go and turn the tap on before getting into the corral and pulling it back into place.  Once the water is on, Zane, Magic (22 yr old gelding) and Dee (my 6 yr old mare) put their noses into the trough and start licking at the water.  Zane taps the hose and it sprays upwards so he backs off startled and the other 2 also back off.  Moments later, they're back at it again and Stormy (5yr mare) looks for a place where she can nudge in and get some water.  Dee doesn't let her near so she moves around and pushes Magic out.  After watching the horses drink for a few moments, I head back towards the house.

Life for me has become a moment by moment way to live.  Little things unravel me.  As I walked back, I thought about how moments can affect me.  Now sometimes living by the moment isn't a bad thing because there are certainly moments of blessing that I would miss if I was just going by the bigger picture of the day.  But one moment can catch a few other moments until all those moments of little inconveniences spin me around and turn me upside down so that I'm not looking up or forward. 

Little things like:

1. I realised that I was missing an important letter from Dan and Rhonda.  I looked through all the mail pile on the kitchen counter, went to where I'd been sorting out bills in the office, checked the 'old' mail that was in the living room and went upstairs for my shower, still not knowing where that letter was. 
2. When I turned on the shower, cold water shot out at me and squirted me in the eye.  All I had to do was reach up and swipe at it and it went back to normal. 
3. Before I had even completely dried myself, I wrapped the towel around me thinking that maybe the letter was in the tote I had bought from the conference so I checked but it wasn't there.
4. I came downstairs (after dressing) and as I passed every possible pile of mail, I checked again.  I started thinking about what the letter had looked like and remembered that it had been a card.  I walked into the office and saw a card shaped envelope, picked it up and there it was!
5. My right wrist hurts and is weak.  It started hurting the weekend Dan and Rhonda were here helping sort through junk and I was spinning a box around and guess I spun it too much and may have twisted my wrist.  Today when I'm using it, it has a 'twang' of hurt.

It sounds so trivial but that kind of thing ties my stomach up in knots.  I am usually so organised and even though I knew it would be some place and would turn up, it irked at me until I was found.  I was even beginning to feel sick. 

Then there's other little things that show how I am either living by the moment, or living unraveled.  Usually the first thing I do is shower and I have never had a 'pjama day' and/or stayed in my pjamas past 10am.  At least twice this week though, I've kept the doors locked and not showered and dressed before 3pm... Once was even after 5pm.  Breakfast has almost become lunch and if lunch doesn't happen until late in the afternoon, it's highly doubtful I will have dinner.  Even today, I haven't had breakfast and it's almost 11:30am and yet, I am not hungry.  At least I know that I will be eating 2 slices of toast with tomato and grilled cheese.  Wait, now I am hungry.

Last night when I came home, I thought about all the things that I have to do over the next 2 days and I made a list so that I wouldn't forget.  Some of them are little things but important enough that I will need to remember to do them.

It seems unfair that I have to make lists, that I have to remember little things that in the past, were just second nature to me.  It seems unfair that when all those moments have passed, Dave will not be there to take me in his arms, without saying a word, and things will be right with the world again.  It seems unfair that I have to deal with so much on my own.  I didn't ask for or want this.  I wanted a life with Dave so we could do this together, so we could move forward together, helping each other through all that this life throws at us.  Together.

It's the little things that unravel me.  It's knowing that little things unravel me because I am travelling in this garden, this garden of grief.  A garden that has it's beautiful moments but also has the weeds of grief that choke us.

It's the little things that unravel me.

P.S.  Things like going to the fridge and there's no cheese there for my tomato and cheese grilled toast.... But I go and check out the back fridge and after considering putting cheese strips on my toast, I see some gouda cheese.  I have no idea when we bought it, how Gouda tastes but I am desperate for cheese on my tomato on toast so I use it anyhow.  I sample the gouda and it tastes good.