I Remember

As I enter this blog post, I dramatically proclaim:  "I just don't see how it's all going to fall into place! I have nothing definite to go on and though it's only been 52 days, it seems forever since Dave was here in his place by my side, in our home, together!!! And..!! To top it all off, I have to sell a car, have an Estate sale at the end of the month, need to ship off 2 crates of stuff back to Australia, pack 2 suitcases worth of clothing for the next 3 months and figure out what paperwork needs to be done, what paperwork must be kept aside and, hey, who knows if, when I get back to Australia, the government will be appreciative of my return?  Can someone just cut me a break or send a miracle my way?"

On the way home from work this afternoon, I drove into the Walmart parking lot and my thoughts had turned to one of the times that Dave's mouth had spoken words that he hadn't thought through first.  I thought about my response at that time and wanted to change it.  Not in a 'good way', I am not a saint!  I wanted to tell him that he should be here and that he shouldn't have wasted the little time we had but should have made the most of being together!  Then of course, those thoughts turned to tears and I had to rechannel my thinking.  

I remember the 'remorseful' look he had when he knew he had hurt me.  I remember how his eyes would ask me to forgive him.  What he couldn't seem able to accept was that I believed in him and knew that he wanted more for this life, wanted to be a good husband, father, grandfather and friend but he struggled with being overwhelmed by his own feelings of inadequacies and hurts.  There was a lot of good in Dave including in his past, but it became overshadowed by his anger, poor choices that he'd made, his hurt and others' rejection of him.  

He had a very generous heart.  If he knew of a family member or friend who needed practical help, he would drop everything to reach out to that person.  People knew they could count on him.  

Dave was very gentle with animals.  He hated to see animals suffer and when his own animals had to be put down or were taken away, he would grieve the loss.  He would play with Riley when he got home and Riley would jump up and lick him to death, try and be a lap dog (labrador - lap dog? I don't think so!) and stick as close to Dave as he could when Dave was outside. 

As for me, I remember what it felt like to have his hands caress my face, to feel his strong arms wrapped around me and to feel his fingers play with my hair.  I remember what it felt like when I would nestle into his shoulder and he would put his arm around me and I felt so contented.  I know that often I would try to capture the moment, that I would study him and with my finger, trace his eyebrows, his lips, the curve of his jaw.  He would lie there unmoving while I did,watching me, not saying a word and he'd look so relaxed. 

I remember how his eyes would light up when he was playing with his grandchildren.  He would get down on the floor and move the truck along and he would hold the grandbaby in his arms and look down at her so lovingly.   I remember how his eyes would flash when another truck driver would cut in front of him and when an RV towing a boat pushed in front and caused Dave to slow the truck down or else that guy would have had his boat smashed up.  He told me his eyes were green but they always looked so blue.  I remember the way he looked 'down' at me and his eyes communicated the message of love very clearly. 

When he was driving long-haul, there were a couple of times during the Summer in 2010 when we would go exploring in the bush on his days off. 

 He always noticed little things such as the start of a dam by a beaver, the marks a woodpecker would leave, the rattlesnake.  Once, he ushered me behind him so that I would be safe from the rattlesnake and he told me later that if I hadn't been with him, he would have tried to bag it but he'd thought I would probably 'freak' out or go the wrong way.  I assured him that if he told me to do something, I trusted him enough that I would do it.  I remember the look he gave me when I said that and I looked back at him and he knew that I did trust him with my life.

One of the other things I admired about Dave was his hands.  They were so big and strong and showed the marks of someone who has worked hard in his life.  I felt protected by him when I was with him.  All that I remember and want to keep remembering.  If only I could have had more time with him and made more memories.  Fifty-two days have gone past and although the days have been full, part of me feels so empty without him.