Stronger? Why??

Isaiah 46:3-4
“Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,
all the remnant of the people of Israel,
... you whom I have upheld since your birth,
and have carried since you were born.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am He, I am He who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

The Estate Sale went well and we sold a lot of things and made some money with it, which is good but man(!) I am so, so tired of the hurting, the problems, the misunderstandings, the stuff that really wears a person down.  I miss Dave so much and wish he was here.  When I get frustrated and overwhelmed, Dave was able to be a calming influence on me and help me see what I was overreacting to and when I needed to make decisions, he was able to point me in the right direction.  He gave me perspective and now that I am on my own, it's so hard not to balk at the little things, not to get flustered when something goes missing or goes wrong.

Job 6:1  "If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas --"

v11 "What strength do I have, that I should still hope?  What prospects, that I should be patient?"

 Today, on my way home from Spokane, I had a flat tire. (tyre)  We aren't in emergency road service because Dave said that was for rich people and besides which he always had the resources to deal with car problems.  He isn't here anymore to help me with things like that.  Fortunately for me, Nick (my no-son 'son') helped me out and unfortunately, I had to buy 4 new tires as the other tire couldn't be fixed and being an AWD, all have to be changed at the same time.  On  the other hand, the guy at Les Schwab found 4 very good used tires which means it was much cheaper than it could have been.  Nick and his wife Jennifer and their 2 sons are such a treasure and have helped and supported me so much since my time with Dave.
 

I ate lunch today with my friend Sonya. (Before the flat tire incident)  As I whined all my woes to her, I said that I don't think I can take anymore.. I don't want to take anything more.  I just want something to go right in my life and want things to start sorting themselves out.  After the flat tire I was driving home and heard the song that Mandisa sings about being stronger... 

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better

I keep wondering, "What do I need to be 'stronger' for?  Is there going to be even more that I'm going to have to take and what is the end result of all this being stronger?"  I know this pain isn't going to last forever.  I keep thinking that things will get better but it seems like they don't.  On the other hand, I do know without a doubt, that God does care for me and He is going to get me through all this.

I take one step at a time, one moment at a time but find myself trying to look ahead, worrying about what 'might' happen and dreaming up problems that aren't there.  I have things to worry about: I still haven't sold my car, the house still hasn't been sold, I still don't have a job when I get back to Australia, I am obviously still grieving the loss of my husband but on the other hand, there are some little blessings that God brings into my life that I need to thank him for:

Cute things like, spending time with Robert and Wyatt.  Robert (age 7) asked his mother if he could give me some of his change from his birthday money and he handed me a dime.  That was so sweet.  I put it in a plastic bag and had him write his name on it.  When they were around yesterday, I took photos of them and with them, on the trampoline, in the hay barn and with the horses.

For friends and family who are so unbelivably amazing/ awesome at this time.  I have friends (and family) who would drop anything for me in order to help me, who spend hours and hours helping me with things that doesn't have 'anything in it for them' and yet they do it simply because they love me.  They give me hugs, words of encouragement, meals, time, they are there for me without expecting anything in return.  They are there loving me and when I cry, get upset and/or hurt, they just keep on loving me.  Mom Flowers said to me tonight that she doesn't know how to express how much she and Dad Flowers love me and how much they depend on me and pray for me.  I am so loved and so thankful for the family and friends God brought into my life, through my marriage to Dave.

“I, David, take you Carolanne, to be my wife, to have and behold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.”


I wish that death hadn't parted us so soon.  Sometimes it seems easy to forget though, that although we were only married 14 months, we were a part of each other's lives for years before that and yet, because of those years, that also established a lot of who we were together.  I don't know.  I just miss him so much!!!  I feel like I need him although I know that God gives us all we need and since Dave is not here, my dependency needs to be on Him.

I am thankful for the life I shared with Dave.  I am thankful for the home I had with him here and that I was able to experience so much in the short time we were married and the time before we were married.  As I go through my final days here in the States, I keep trying to remember all the differences between Australia and the US and realise there's going to be a lot of adjustments to make because of those differences... Like driving on the other side of the road, the different spelling of some words, the different words for some things, the different cooking styles, lifestyles.

Job. 42:1-3 Then Job replied to the Lord: "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?"  Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.

Jer. 29:11, 12  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

Jer. 33: 3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.