Second Stage of Moving

It was a beautiful, sunny day today with blue skies, perhaps a gentle breeze, so after stopping at a petrol (gas) station and filling my car up, I took to the hills in my Rav 4, with the back seats tucked away and a bottle of diet coke in my 'cup' holder.  The traffic flowed easily and I barely had to change lanes as I drove on my way.  I stopped at the bakery for a sausage roll and said "Yes, please" to the sauce and she put it in the bag so I promptly forgot about it until the sausage roll was almost finished.

The second stage of moving into my home has been completed with the help of my friends Ron and Donna.  The other day, when I was feeling a wee bit overwhelmed with stuff and was just sminting it all out with Donna, I mentioned that I needed to figure out a way to get furniture from my sister's house to mine and thought I might rent a van and wait until Nathan was available to help me.  Donna decided that she and Ron, and their 3  youngest sons, needed an outing and Friday was a good day to help me.

I told her about the steep driveway my sister lived up the top of. "No problem."
I told her about the narrow roads that she lived on.  "No problem."
I told her that it would only be me helping lift the furniture.  "No problem."
I told her how much stuff we would need to get down that driveway and onto their trailer and/or in my car.  "No problem."  She had talked it over with Ron and they decided they wanted to do it.  "Wanted????"  Wow!

I got to my sister's place a bit earlier than them so got to catch up a bit with my nephew, nieces and Lindy.  It was good to stand out on the porch with Lindy, way up in the trees, looking over the rooftops, tree tops and into the horizon.  A gentle breeze and warm sunshine made it pleasant to be there.


When Ron arrived, we got busy. First he and I had to get the BBQ from the back down the steps and down the driveway and onto the trailer.  It was heavy.  It was hard work but somehow Ron made it fun and we even laughed as we pushed it alongside the 'wall' to make sure it didn't run away from us.  After that, we had a couch to move which was heavy and awkward to carry but Ron figured out a way for us to get it down that steep driveway and we put that on the back of the trailer.  The table got put in my Rav, the cushions and 2 chairs were added in and the other couch got loaded up in their trailer.

We parted ways and when I got home, I prepared for their arrival.  I unpacked my car and waited patiently for them to get there.  I showed them through my new home, then we unpacked their trailer.  For some reason, even though it was hard work and a hot day, it was still fun.  We laughed, we enjoyed each other's company and we shared and talked and just enjoyed being together.  I'd bought a blueberry and apple tea cake and Donna had brought chocolate, so add in some diet coke for Donna and I, some coke for Ron and 'autopops' (frozen juice sticks which I still can't remember the Aussie name for - cool pops?) for the boys, we were all set to party.  Ron put together that stupid office chair which didn't even look easy to assemble when he was doing it, using the instructions and he also put together the table which had been taken apart to make it easier for moving.  We had pizza for tea.

The place certainly does look more homely now and when I have my stuff from the US - the Third and Final Stage of moving, I will take photos so that you can all 'rejoice' in my new home.  To have furniture in my home and not just big empty rooms, does make me feel more settled.  Before I left for the hills this morning, I also sorted through a lot of my stuff that was in the spare room and put empty boxes, that I might need later, in the shed.  It's looking good!  Thank you Ron, Donna and family, for your practical help and your kind friendship!!! 

Getting Things Done

Well today turned out to be a good day in that I got a lot of things done and even though I didn't get much sleep last night, I had enough energy to keep me going until a normal bedtime.  I did finish reading my book last night though. These are the things I achieved today:

1. Washed the dirty dishes and put them away when they were clean and dry.
2. Checked my US bank account and noticed a problem, so called them and talked to Virginia who misses me and was happy to hear from me and who, will of course, sort out my problem for me.  Called the US Insurance company who made the mistake.  I now understand why  Dave thought she 'embellishes' the truth and will say whatever she can to cover up her own mistake.  I talked to Dan and Rhonda about it so they can follow it up for the Estate concerns.
3. Returned my faulty modem to the store and got it set up again when I got home - although I still have to call about the wireless which was the problem last time.
4. Went to the bank and deposited some American bills I had.  It felt weird when I was handing over the money though - sorta like I was giving part of my life with Dave away.
5. Went to KMart to return the handmixer that doesn't work. There was a long line of people waiting to return or exchange products, after the Christmas rush and only one person serving those customers.  The lady serving said the handmixer looked like it had been dropped and looked accusingly at me.  I told her that I did not drop it and she refunded the money but you could tell she didn't believe me.  There were absolutely NO handmixers left for sale so I still have the refund voucher.
6. Went to Coles supermarket to buy some milk and diet coke.  Bought that and a packet of jam donuts.
7. Talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype which is always good.  Mom was wearing her new pjs and new, fluffy, comfortable, soft robe.  (I'm not sure she would have wanted me to share that - but oh well.)
8. Did the washing, hung it on the line and brought it back in when it was dry, folded it and put it away.
9. Played a few turns of "Words With Friends" on Facebook, against my good friend Sonya.  I think she's better than me, she thinks I'm better than her but we know we are an even match.  Nathan's logical reasoning on why we think the other is 'better' is because we're not used to losing so when we do lose, it comes as a surprise... or something like that.  Maybe Sonya could elaborate on that.
10. Talked to my friend Donna who is an absolute angel and very generous towards me.  I don't even know what I have done to be treated so kindly by her. 

I had a problem and mentioned it in passing to Donna that I needed to figure out a way to get some furniture from my sister's house and bring it back here to my home.  I was thinking of hiring a van and waiting until Nathan was available, even though I could not really afford the extra funds it would take.  Anyway, Donna said "Hold on.... Wait!!" and then figured out a way that she and her husband could help me out.  I am so thankful and that's one less stress for me.

She has also insisted that I go and stay at their place on New Years Eve because she doesn't want me being alone that night. She doesn't think it would be good/healthy for me.  She just keeps giving and looking for ways to show me practical support and kindness. Wow!

Then, on New Years Day, I get to spend some time with my friend Carolyn.  (A)

I am so thankful for the friends I have over here.  I honestly don't know how I would survive if I wasn't loved so much!  They are amazing!

To top the day off, I went for a ride on my bike.  I found out that this area isn't so flat after all and when I ride for about 5 minutes, there are some hills that are challenging to my gear changes.  I hope my son Nathan and his girlfriend will bring their bikes over so we can go riding together some time.  It's fun!  I really enjoy riding my bike, once I am on it however, the motivation to take the lock off, put my helmet on, take the bike out and ride doesn't always come with the intentions. But I rode my bike for about 40 minutes tonight and it was good. Maybe I will ride again tomorrow.

Thank you for your prayers and support.  It really helps to know that people are doing what they can to show love and kindness towards me at this difficult time. Thank you.

To Belong

As I struggle to deal with my grief and try to process my thoughts on it all, I have to wonder was it worth all this heartache, to leave my country and friends here, to go and love Dave so deeply and become part of his life, his family and friends there and then be uprooted and brought back here.  The few good memories we shared are not ones that I can sit around the campfire and share with others.  We didn’t have many times in others’ company.  After the funeral, down at the park, when everyone got together, they (his children, brothers, sisters, parents and friends)  all had a shared history together. They shared lots of memories; camping, boating, parties, but even though I am his wife, I did not belong there and could not share in those memories.  The majority of the sympathy cards were addressed to Dave’s children and it was as though Dave didn’t have a wife… and for many of the guests, they didn’t know he had remarried.

I was reading a book called, “Out Stealing Horses” and I remembered how much I enjoyed riding and looking after my horse, Dee and Dave’s horse, Stormy.  That will never happen again.  I may ride again but not at home.  Home.  I don’t even know where ‘home’ is anymore.  I don’t feel like I belong here and apart from some very loyal friends who have welcomed me back into their life, I am alone.  Every day when I get up, I have to figure out how to get through the day.  I can’t just call around to the neighbour next door and honestly, I don’t want to go visiting people nor do I want to impose on my friends while I feel so emotionally incapacitated.  I know this is all part of grieving but it really hurts to be so alone, to have no one who I can just turn to and get comfort from and to have no one here who has even met Dave.  While I’m here, it feels like the last two years of my life, didn’t happen.

People have commented that my faith is strong and yet it is all I have.  Sometimes I wonder why I even hold on to that, except that it is the only certain thing in my life right now.   I read this morning 2 Cor. 4:7-18

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed.” (NIV v8)

“Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace.” (The Message v16)

“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweigh them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (v17,18 NIV)

So, if you’re wondering how I’m doing, I’m not doing all that good but I know that one day I will get through this and maybe, I might even enjoy living again.

The Day After Christmas

If you don't feel like reading a whinging, hurt, grieving tirade, then leave this page now, otherwise read on:

There is nothing like losing a spouse.  I have lost everything.  When I wake up in the morning, I'm alone and throughout the day, I am still alone.  When I need to be comforted, my husband is not there and everyone else has their own families to get comfort from.  I am in a completely new place and my home is on the other side of the world.  You may have one thing in common with me, you may be able to relate to one of the facets of my grief, but you do not know it in all it's totality. 

Dave was my home.  He knew that and my plans were to be with him for many years to come.  He was teaching me how to run our home, our property, encouraging me to make this our home and we had plans for our home and our lives together.  Now, there is nothing left but a few memories.  I was recently reading the biography of a lady whose husband had cancer and she said that she pitied the person who lost their husband suddenly because they didn't have time to say goodbye.  I am not going to try and compare which is worse but the thing is, not only didn't we have time to say goodbye, we didn't have time to really establish ourselves and our home, we didn't have time to see any fruit for the plans, the dreams, the hopes that we had shared. 

I feel like when Dave was snatched from this earth, I was uprooted and plonked on the other side of the world.  Everyone got on with their lives in a similar way, same ol' routine, with their loved ones around them, but not me.  I had to go and start all over again, completely.  Last night, I was lying in bed thinking about how I've gotten through this one "milestone/ significant" day, now I still have to get through... Valentines Day, Dave's birthday, Easter, our first anniversary.....  It's like I plod along, preparing for the next difficult day, it happens, then I have to get ready for the next one and hope to survive that too.  Yes, I had a good Christmas day but the heartache was still with me and it seems to be worse, the day after.

So, this morning, I put on my cowboy boots to remind me of my home with Dave and went for a drive because I needed to buy a printer, an office chair and I also wanted to buy a school bag 'on wheels' for when I walk to work as of Febrary 2012.  I put the printer in my office but didn't connect it up and unpacked the box of parts for the plush, office chair.  After finding the instructions, I tried to assemble it and when I couldn't even attach a wheel, I 'lost it'.  I threw a part of it on the floor, ripped the bubble wrap, cried and went and laid down on my big bed and cried a whole lot more.

"It's not fair! I didn't ask for this!  I am tired of having to face new challenges every day, on my own, without Dave.  I am tired of grieving.  I am tired of crying.  I am tired of hurting.  I don't want to start all over again.  God, it's not fair! I want to go home to Dave.  I want to be safe with Dave.  I want us to have our life together.  You're asking too much of me, God!!!" (Perhaps I am still in stage 3.)

I came back to the living room and saw the parts all over the floor and cried some more.  I tried again but still couldn't do it.  It's still there as a reminder of what I can't do and the challenge of just living by myself and having to deal with things on my own.

I read recently a quote by C.S. Lewis: "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

Oh, can I relate to that!  Exactly and Amen!  That's all I have to say for today.

Christmas Day 2011

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
but, through our memories so dear..
We're never far apart.
I can't tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior.......face-to-face.
I'll ask him to light your spirit
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I'll pray for 'One another'
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your heart be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I'm spending Christmas in heaven
and I'm walking with the King.


The above is the last part of a poem a friend posted on Facebook called, "I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year".

I know the feeling of being happy and yet sad, feeling loved by people here on this earth, yet missing Dave who is not here with me.  I feel like a part of me is missing, is aching for him but yet I keep trying to enjoy this Christmas as I spend it with my son Nathan and through technology, be with other loved ones.  I'm trying to convey to you, what it really feels like to do Christmas without Dave.  I smile but behind the smile is my thoughts of Dave.  I put on Christmas carols and as long as I keep talking with Nathan, as long as I don't stop and have time to think about Dave not being here, I am fine.  However, two minutes alone with my thoughts and I have to fight to hold back the tears.

Last Christmas, I gave Dave a remote controlled helicopter and he loved it!  The hat on Dianne's cowboy trinket got broken off and the helicopter itself crashed a couple of times but then he repaired it.  It wasn't supposed to be used in extreme temperatures and being below 50 degrees, and having snow, is 'extreme' according to the instructions.  We took it to Mom and Dad Flowers' home for New Years and he flew it there, too. 

So this Christmas is not the one I thought I would be having a few short months ago. There is a hole inside me that all the tinsel in the world, all the Christmas lights and presents can not fill.  I am thankful that Nathan spent time with me and that we had fun together.  Even though I don't have all his Christmas gifts yet, I gave him stuff that he finds useful and fun.  We even played a game of Krazy Bee Rummy and it was nice being able to cook him up delicious, Christmas food and to celebrate Christmas with him!

Well I guess I got through Christmas without eating too much plum pudding or chocolate ripple cake and without being a blubbering mess.  I am so thankful for those family and friends who made an extra special effort to be sensitive and loving with their words and actions on this Christmas day.  I  am thankful to those of you who expressed your love, knowing that this is not the Christmas I planned or wanted - You might have text messaged me, chatted to me on Skype or Facebook, sent me an email or a comment on Facebook.  Whatever way you used to encourage me, it was greatly appreciated.  Thank you.  I wish my Christmas could have been different but it was a good Christmas despite that.

I hope that you were able to have a Christmas filled with joy and wonder! 

Ambulances Make Me Cry

This morning was another lovely summer's day so, as I needed to buy vanilla essence for the chocolate ripple cake I want to make, I decided to walk to the store again.  As I approached the intersection, an ambulance with flashing lights drove into my view.  I tried to avert my eyes but I kept watching it, hearing the siren as it went through a railway crossing and I watched it until I could no longer see it.  My eyes welled up with tears as I thought back to Dave going off in the ambulance, me following it in the car behind and when we arrived at the hospital, the doors of the ambulance were open.  I cried quietly and then wiped them with the back of my hand and proceeded to go buy vanilla essence, a cake server, chips, a plate to put the chocolate ripple cake on, milk and fresh bread.

Last night I was reading about the seven stages of grief:

1. Shock and denial.
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger  and Bargaining
4. "Depression", reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope

How long it takes anyone to go through those stages depends on a person and circumstances and probably other factors but there is no set time period and it's not like anyone can say, "Well, you should be over it by now".  For myself, I would love to be 'over it' but I can't deny the pain of losing someone I loved so very much.  I have also been counselled that I have to go through all these stages because it's the natural process to healing.

I think I am wavering between the third and fourth stage.  I can relate to what this person said about the fourth stage.

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

I know that no one really expects me to be over my grief already but maybe I put the pressure on myself to be 'over it' and when I face reality, I know that I am still hurting badly.  As I said to my sister-in-law Rhonda, whether I want to or  not, I have to go on with life.  Life doesn't stop for me and God obviously has a purpose for me to be alive or He would have taken me home, too.  Sometimes I wish He had but at the same time, I do enjoy life and I know that I will get through this and enjoy life again, and maybe even more, because of the richness that being with Dave added to me and who I am.

The thing is, that I am a people person so if I isolate myself on purpose, that is not a healthy thing for me.  At the same time, because I love socialising, I don't isolate myself for very long.  At this time in my life, I find it difficult to initiate visiting with others and I don't have the desire and motivation to go and visit others.  It's not that I don't care or don't want your company, it's more that I just want to be 'safe' inside my hidey hole, which for now, is my home.  I know that people think I am strong and I know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I don't want to be strong.  When it all comes down to it, the reason my faith is strong, is because all I have, all that is secure, all that is stable in my life, is Him. (God)  I could not do this on my own nor would I want to.  He is my Rock and my stronghold.

But I am lonely for Dave and miss him so much!!!!

Thankful on Thursday

When I woke up this morning, the sun was already shining, the birds were singing and the peace in my heart assured me that people are praying for me.  I know that every night when I go to bed, no matter how bad my day has been, I can still look back and see something to be thankful for.  This morning after waking up, I thought about the many things that I am grateful for.  I read recently on Facebook, "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Last Saturday when I was having a bad day, I bought 2 magazines.  One was a "Women's Weekly" and the other was "Good Health" for women.  The Good Health magazine was a waste of money as it didn't tell me anything I didn't know and in actual fact, tried to sell products that I have no need of.  But it did have one article that interested me.  It was talking about how being cheerful is good for your health and gave an example of a woman who decided that she would photograph just one thing she was thankful for, for 365 days.  The lady was a very busy woman with a lot going on and she said some days she found it difficult to find something to be thankful for but the 'exercise' made her look for good in all sorts of places.

I thought back to when I used to keep a thankful blog.  I used to list 5 things a day.  So I've decided to keep a blog of just photographing one thing a day for which I'm thankful for.  You can find it at this link:  http://thankfulflowers.blogspot.com/  It's called "Thankful In The Garden".

I am feeling much more settled now that I have my own place and can be independent again.  Staying with my friends Karen and Steve was very generous of them and they always did what they could to lovingly make me feel at home, but I needed my space and needed to be able to start doing things on my own again.  I am very thankful for their friendship and support.   Today I walked a couple of times down to the store and came back with more than I needed.  It was only half an hour walk round trip and such a beautiful day that I couldn't resist walking.  If I had have driven, I would have had to do the whole 'Christmas carpark chaos' thing so walking was quicker and less costly.  Apart from saving on gas (petrol), I could only buy that for which I could carry home.

It seems like so much has happened in the last four and a half months since Dave has passed away and while I grieve for him and think of him with every breath, I still have to move forward with life.  My friend Maurine sent me an email recently that I really appreciated.  She said,

" Congratulations on getting moved into your new place – now make it your home for however long you are there.  I know Dave isn’t there with you (physically), as you would want him to be, but  remember to live in this moment and be fully present for the joys that come your way.  And you can share those joys with him – he’s still very much with you in your heart and always will be.  In his love, he always wanted the best for you, but he couldn’t always express it well in his earthly limitations. He delighted in seeing you strong and confident, so as you are taking these steps forward I know he will delight when you share your joys and triumphs with him.

You are amazing and very much loved! "

I am so thankful for being very much loved and for technology that means I can stay in touch with my family and friends no matter where they are in the world:  for Skype, Facebook, blogs, phones, emails and letters. 

Speaking of mail, today I received a letter addressed to someone I didn't know but from someone I did know. (Read it again, it does make sense.) I called Karen and told her about the letter and she called her mum and explained it to her, then Karen called me back and told me the right address and a bit about the people who the letter was addressed to.  I rode my bike down the road and handed them the letter, talked about the connection, talked about other people we knew and then I rode back home while it was still light.  It's a small world.  The couple also go to a church where an old family friend goes and they know Karen's mum and step dad Don, because they went to Bible college with Don.  Is that just a coincidence that the letter came here?

So tonight, I hope to sleep well, thankful for the friendships that God has blessed me with and thankful that He does provide all that I need.  I am thankful that He knows me and as it says in one of my favourite Psalms 139:1-6

You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.   Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.  You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

I know that as I move forward, the Lord is in front of me leading the way, beside me holding me in His love and behind me protecting me from harm.  Yes, with every breath I still wish Dave was beside me in this life, but I am thankful for the time we shared together and thankful that I had the honour of being his wife and loving him as much as I could!

Creation, Eternity and Life

I got categorised today as a ‘single woman’ and I balked because I am not single, I am widowed and as far as I’m concerned, it’s different.  Not better, just different.  And when I get to Heaven, Dave better have his running shoes on and be thankful for the new body he has, because he’s got some explaining to do and I’m not happy!  People often talk about how when they get to Heaven, there’s a few things they’re going to ask God, but not me!  I’ve got questions for Dave and some things I want to say to him!  Leaving me behind was not fair. 

I hate having to live alone without him and deal with the world on my own.  The little things that were second nature to him, are hard work to me and he should be here to fix those minor things.  When I’m trying to sleep at night, he should be beside me, holding me close and when I’m feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, he should be sitting beside me with his arm around me, not paying any attention, but just being there for me.  Well, OK, it would be nice if he paid some attention as long as he listened properly and didn’t jump to solutions when I only wanted to vent but I was trying to be realistic. J 

What is Heaven like anyway? Everyone has their views and theories and to me, even if someone claims to have died and come back, they still don’t know what Heaven is.  I know that there is no marriage, male or female in Heaven and I know there are no tears, sin or sorrow.  If that is the case, then I find it difficult to believe that Dave could be watching me down here and even if he could, it’s not going to cause him sorrow and I wonder if the temporal things of this world would matter anyhow.  But that’s just my opinion and when I die, I guess I’ll find out the truth.

Loved ones have encouragingly commented that God is working all things out for good for me, that I am surrounded by wonderful, kind, thoughtful people and that I am blessed to have all that.  Yes, thank you.  I know that’s true but on the other hand, I have to wonder why I couldn’t have had it all fall into place with Dave.  On the other hand, I feel like I deserve some goodness considering the pain and sorrow of being in this place of bereavement.  On the other hand, I would like to think that I have been there for others in the past, have been kind and giving, so that it’s nice to get ‘some back’.  On the other hand, I know that some people think we are not deserving of any goodness but I don’t believe that.  God is our Heavenly Father and all good gifts come from Him.  He wants us to have what we need and He loves us far more deeply and intensely than any ‘human’ can love us.

Actually I don’t have so many ‘other hands’. I really do only have two hands and I’m actually very right – handed so learning to play the piano was not accomplished by me.  I did teach myself to play guitar years ago, although not very well.  The other thing is, while I talk about what I ‘deserve’ because of having to deal with all this grief, I also reflect on Job and the fact that he didn’t deserve the sorrow that he received and when he finally had the gumption to ask God about it, God replied with,

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations?  Tell me now if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions?  Surely you know!  Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid the cornerstone – while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?...  Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?  Do they report to you, “Here we are.”? Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?....

That is why I like walking on the sands along the ocean, or walking on trails that are marked by majestic trees, why I like watching the waves build up and break, the rain falling, the clouds dispersing and the blue of the sky spanning from East to West.  Those things are reminders that no matter how grand we think we are, there is a Creator God who put all those things into place and has the full control over it all and yet, we can crawl into His arms and be loved safely despite the thunderstorms around us.  It’s also a reminder that while this life seems to be interminably long, harsh and unforgiving, it really is only for a moment in the light of eternity and those things we hold so tightly here, are really nothing more than those grains of sand that we brush off our feet when we’ve finished walking barefoot along the ocean.

So now as I stop and think about all of that, the pain and grief that I’ve been dwelling on, the unfairness of it, the sorrow and how it’s been cloaked around me, has lifted a little bit and I can rest assured that I am in His loving hands.  Still, I guess it’s a timely reminder to love the ones you have here with you, make the most of every opportunity, because tomorrow, if a loved one leaves, all you have left are the memories you made today and the way their love (and yours) touched the person you have become.

Random Thoughts Of A Grieving Widow

These thoughts are random and possibly irrelevant but it's all that I can blog about right now.

It's Christmas time so the parking at shopping centres is ridiculous, unless you're prepared to walk miles, which I am, because I have nothing better to do with my time, anyway.  I'm not in a hurry and mostly have no real purpose so I walk slowly or quickly depending on my mood.  My attention span in all things, is much less than it used to be before Dave passed away, so I don't really bother looking at the stores, especially if I don't have a specific purpose for being there.  I will wander aimlessly up and down aisles, or walk past shops without doing much more than giving them a cursory glance.  I brush away any thoughts of "That would be nice to buy..." and walk back to my car to go home.

At shopping centres, even though they have stores lining every square footage, there are now 'stalls' of extra shopping opportunities.  Make up, fitness, charities, airbrushing and other assorted salespeople wait and as you pass by they jump out in front of you, shove a card at you, catch your eye and try to sell their product.  When a lady tried to sell me make up, I pointed out that I don't wear much make up but she still wanted me to stop and spend some time with her.  I had no desire to and finally after walking alongside me trying to engage me in further conversation, she gave up.  On my way back, her partner tried to accost me and rudely interrupted my attempt to ignore her until the other lady told her that she'd already "tried" to sell their product to me.

Sometimes I feel like the main character in "Ground Hog Day".  He wakes up every day and it's the same day.  At first, he responds by trying to do outrageous stunts and does things like driving off the side of a cliff but no matter how bad the day, he still wakes up the next morning.  Time passes and the novelty wears off and he pursues more virtuous activities and grows through the experience until he learns the value of love and sacrifice.   

     Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I want/ask God to take me to Heaven so I can be with Dave, because I don't want to live without Dave alongside me, God has plans for me to stay alive.  So, like Phil, I wonder if maybe I am invincible, that whatever I do, I will still wake up the next morning and have to go through the day again.  I know that eventually I will start enjoying life again and there are moments when I do, but so much these days, I just feel like the writer in Eccl. 1:14

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 

There are no mirrors in this house which is really unusual and I didn't even notice until after I had moved in and went to comb my hair.  I bought a small mirror and set it on the wardrobe door handles as I can't find a place to put it in the bathroom yet, and I'm still waiting for permission to hang pictures and things up, from the landlord.  Every time I look in the mirror, I cut off another stray bit of my fringe, which must have been hiding messily away when Karen cut it last week.  I also notice that my hair is turning grey and I'm tempted just to let it go and not colour it as I usually do, since I don't have to look 'young/er' for Dave anymore.  I also need to get it permed again as it's dead straight with no style.  Dave preferred me with curly hair, although he didn't really mind either way.  He figured it was cheaper for me to get it permed than for me to go to the hair stylist and have it curled.  Once I told Dave that I got my hair done to impress him so now that he's gone, I don't seem to have the same motivation to get it done. 

There are two main songs that keep going around in my head and are played frequently on the radio.  The first one says,

I only miss you when I'm breathing
I only need you when my heart is beating
You are the color that I'm bleeding
I only miss you when I'm breathing

Without your love, don't know how I survive
Last Saturday I was having a bad day.  I woke up missing Dave, my heart ached, my stomach was all in knots and I couldn't stop crying for very long.  A friend called me and asked me if I felt I was depressed but I believe that this is all part of the grieving process.  I am going to have days when I hurt badly, when I cry for Dave and as Christmas approaches, those feelings are going to be strong because there's so much emphasis on spending Christmas with loved ones and even Christmas songs are 'romantic'.

The other song that is played often is "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger!"  So, in all this, I am getting stronger, stronger! How nice.

Having read all of the above, you might think I'm melancholy and/or bitter but I'm not.  I still have good moments and I do have a certain hope that I will get through this and be stronger and as I type that, I even managed a little smile.  I have new friends at the school I'll be teaching at and one called late tonight to ask me if he can drop off a small washing machine tomorrow afternoon, for free.  Today, I went and visited with my friend Fiona and was able to help her out a little as her car was being repaired.  I enjoy her company.

Sometimes I feel bad for the company I keep because I don't have the same zest and enthusiasm that I once did and yet, I do want to be a blessing to others.  A friend said to me the other day that I am a blessing to many and the thing is, I do want to encourage people in their journey while I walk this Garden Trail but I don't have the strength to give as much as I once did and sometimes I just want to receive.  I know things will get better and I know that 'This too shall pass' as Mark Lowry says.  This is my journey and everyone has been so supportive and encouraging towards me, yet it is still my journey which I have to walk through by myself.  Keeping in mind that the Lord walks beside me and that He also provides others to walk with me at different moments.  I know all this and I am thankful for those 'others': for my son, for his girlfriend, for my family (all over the world) and for my friends.. also all over the world.  I am blessed to be loved by many and I am grateful.

But as I drove home tonight, I thought that the one person I really want to be held by and be comforted by, the one person who I want to cuddle with and share with, is the one person who, by his passing from this life, is the reason for my grief!

I Don't Have To Pretend With God

Like a pendulum, I swing back and forth, and like the inner workings of a clock, my emotions go round and round, different wheels turning all at once. The sun shines brightly, the skies are blue and I can feel a skip in my step and then a stray thought wanders and distracts and my heart turns around and another little piece breaks. How nice it would be to....

Actually, to be honest, I don't have much to say. My heart is hurting, Christmas is coming, things are falling into place but I find it hard to be content and stay positive. I don't want to be positive when I am hurting without Dave. I don't want to face Christmas without Dave. I don't want to try and see something to celebrate just because I 'should' and I am angry, at times. Yes, things are falling into place and yes, I have a lot to be thankful and yes, there are people who have it harder than me (except if we aren't supposed to compare, how can they be more worse off than me?).

I am supposed to trust God and rejoice in this situation but I don't want to. And you know what? God can handle it. Even if I don't voice it out loud, God knows what my heart is feeling and He knows what I am thinking. Yes, I can be positive so that those reading my blog posts can see God's hand in my life and feel good in themselves that I am moving on. But as I wrote on Facebook, I don't always want to be brave. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide and do something ridiculously foolish or just ‘lose it’. But people like you love me and are praying for me, so I keep getting up in the morning and keep going.  Even when I really don’t want to!

The fact of the matter is I'm being carried by a loving Heavenly Father who is bigger than my pain, bigger than my discouragement, bigger than my anger and He doesn't try to shush me and say “What will others think?” He doesn’t get offended when I don’t use clichés and the right words.  He just takes me in His arms, loves me and holds me when I hurt.  He lets me beat my fists against His chest and He hears my words of pain and anguish and doesn’t take it personally.  He knows my heart.  He knows me better than I can know myself and He still loves me.  He doesn’t throw meaningless words at me to cover the silence and He understands every emotion I have. 

Every day I wish Dave was alive and every day I wonder why God didn’t let me have more time with him.  I left my country, everything I had here and went to be with Dave on the other side of the world.  I gave him everything, loved him deeply (and still do) and prayed daily for God to help me be a godly wife and a godly woman. I sought to please God and in so doing, also honoured my husband, Dave.  I made friends there and loved Dave’s family as my own, his home was my home, his life was my life and I adjusted, adapted and moved forward with Dave.  But then, God took Dave home and I had to go back to Australia and start over again.

There are many times when I wish that it was me God took home and I even ask God to take me now, too. I would love to be in Heaven and not to have to deal with pain, sorrow, tears and all these changes and new things.  Sometimes I shout out (inwardly so that only God and I hear) that this is TOO hard, this is TOO much!!!  I want it easier and if I have to live, then give me a break and heal this pain already.  Why do I have to be strong? Why do I have to move forward and be a blessing to others when I am the one who is hurting?  Why do I have to start all over again in EVERYTHING??!!!  I mean, give me a break here! My husband passes away, I change countries, change homes, new job, new area, new start, make new friends, learn new routines, new challenges.. on and on!!!!!! It’s so not fair! And then there are the people who have words to tell me how I should do it and how it’s good that everything is all working out for me and how it’s good that it’s falling into place.  (And yes, there are also the friends who encourage me, help me, give me a shoulder to cry on and put up with me. Thank you. J )

But it’s not good! Or at least, it doesn’t feel good!  Why didn’t God let it all fall into place with Dave, in our home, in the States where we both belonged together?  Dave said to me on our first anniversary that things can only get better and we were both looking forward to moving forward together, just the two of us.

Sigh.  Take a deep breath.  Thank you Father, for knowing my heart, for understanding my pain, for loving me unconditionally and for not giving up on me.  Thank you for knowing me so well and knowing what I need.  Thank you for holding me at this time.  Thank you that even though I hurt so bad, You don’t get mad because You understand and You love me.  I don’t have to pretend with You.  I don’t have to say the right words to make You feel good.  I can just cry, hurt, and wonder why and You can handle it, and hold me.  Thank You.

But, seriously, (sorta) couldn’t I just ‘lose it’ once when someone comes to me and blabbers insignificant, ridiculous clichés that are nonsensical?  Couldn’t I just tell them what I really think and not have to ‘guard’ my words so that I don’t offend them?  After all, why should it be me who says “Thank you” and tries to be nice when their words are like a knife in my already hurting heart? 

Just One More Time... Please!

My heart yearns to hold Dave just one more time but I know that one more time, wouldn’t be enough.  If I knew it was the last time, I wouldn’t let go.  As his eyes held mine and the ambulance drove away on August 2^nd, I didn’t know it would be the last time I would look into his eyes.  If I had known what was ‘in store’ for me that night, would I have done anything differently? Hypothetical question to which there is no answer because what happened, happened and we can’t change that.   I do believe though, that had I known it was going to be the last time, I would have jumped up into that ambulance, clung to him, cried, told him I loved him and the paramedics would have had to forcibly remove me from him.

I have one of my favourite pictures of Dave on my computer desktop so that every time I turn the computer on, there he is looking at me as I took that photo.  I remember that day.  We walked down the hill along a track that he said was there but I couldn’t see but followed him anyway.  We walked down to the water’s edge and he told me where we were in relation to Spokane, Reardan etc.  He sat on the rocks and I sat beside him.  He threw rocks at a small container in the water, sometimes hitting it, but never breaking it open.  We watched a small row boat go past with a man, lady and their two children, who were preparing to fish.  Across the other side of the river, people were setting up their party on two or three boats.

Hiking back up that hill was hard work and it was a warm day but that is one of those memories that I’m glad we shared.  We liked to explore tracks along rivers, together.  It gave us time to talk but also time to just be.  Dave would point out the woodpecker’s marks in trees and he’d be the first to see the chipmunk running along the log, or the beaver playing in the shallow water.  He was the first to notice the rattlesnake and protectively put his hand out to keep me back, out of harm’s way. Dave had an eye for detail although he pretended not to notice things at times.

I remember one time when I was out shopping with my friend Wanda and she talked about me trying to ‘smuggle’ something into the house without Dave noticing and wear it on another occasion.  I laughed and told her that he would notice.  Even if he didn’t say anything, he would notice.  Like the time I’d bought new boots.  He didn’t say anything until one time I picked them up to show him and he admitted he’d seen them already.  And he wasn’t just saying that. 

When we were driving in Spokane, he asked me if there was anywhere I wanted to go and I suggested we go look at dressers and he replied, “Dresses?!!  You’ve got to be kidding!  There is no way, I’m going to look at dresses with you.”  I didn’t reply and after a few silent moments, he looked at me and laughed, “Oh did you mean dressers?  I thought you said dresses, as in ‘frocks’ …” Anyway, we both laughed and I told him that I wouldn’t ever subject him to look at dresses with me although on the other hand, he did have a good eye for colour and what looked good. 

Despite Dave’s air of confidence, he wasn’t as sure of himself as he liked to portray to others.  He was scared of rejection and didn’t really believe that I admired him as much as I did.  Until the last month or so of his life.  I miss Dave so much and he had so much to offer, not just to me, but to all the family and friends in his life.  He loved so deeply, even though he didn’t express it verbally very often.  He would give up anything to be there for his kids and grandkids, for his friends and family.  I wish that he had verbalised it more often to me but I’m thankful that he showed me in other ways and when I think back, even as I write these blog posts, I see the ways in which he tried to love me as best as he could.  I remember things he said that sometimes I didn’t understand and I wanted more.  Now I just want him back.  Just one more time… One more time that lasts for the rest of my life!

Living Life

The sound of revving engines, aeroplanes flying overhead, trains rolling past and a blend of different birds’ songs fills the air.  Outside, the cars in my street are shiny brand-new Utes, cars with spoilers and P plates in car windows, suggesting that I am surrounded by young adults.  Children’s voices are heard as they play outside and at night, the street seems quiet by 10pm. 

Don’t get me wrong about living life.  My sanguine side does bounce into play sometimes and I am able to be thankful for the new life that I am embarking on.  With every breath, I miss Dave and with every new thing I experience, I want to share it with him but I am also well aware of the fact that I enjoy many things in this life.  I like walks on the beach, hiking up a (small) mountain, climbing a tree, walking in the bush, driving in picturesque places and spending time with friends and family. 

Yesterday, my son and his girlfriend came around to visit me in my new home.  Melanie brought a plate full of yummy goodies that she and her mum had made as well as a lovely poinsettia plant as a housewarming gift from her family.  The principal and his wife popped in and helped me assemble my brand new bed.  It is very comfortable! I have a lot of loved ones who are walking beside me on this garden trail and their encouragement and support is invaluable and enjoyable. J

I ‘finished’ shopping for the week and I think I have everything I need for the time being.  I will wait until my stuff from the US arrives before I go buying any more trinkets, kitchen gadgets and other items so that I can see what more I might need.  Some things will have to wait until I start getting paid in February so that I can afford to pay the bills in the meantime.  I do like being in my own home and being able to choose how to arrange things and the feeling of being settled in this place, at least for a year.  I also like the routine of being at home.  There is an indoor swimming pool just down the road, squash courts about 5kms from here and places to walk or ride my bike.  I’ve almost convinced a new friend to come try Zumba with me… At least we’d find out if it was something to continue doing or not.

As for my new job, I had orientation day last Tuesday and so I’ve been introduced to my new class of grade 3/4, mostly grade 3 and mostly boys.  Boys of that age are active and these boys have spark so it will be an interesting, entertaining and challenging year.  Each child in my class has a unique personality and I know that 2012 will be a good year with my grade.  I am looking forward to it.  The staff was very friendly and the grade 4 teacher and I were able to regale some of the other staff with our ‘classroom anecdotes’ over the lunch break.  There was laughter and I’m sure there will be more laughter and possibly tears over the coming year.

When I look back over the last two years, there have been many, many changes in my life and I think that it was only in about June of this year, that I felt settled in my new life.  I was beginning to do everything ‘new’, as though I had been doing it a lifetime and I had adjusted to this lifestyle with Dave.  I filled up the car with gas, took my purse with me, talked about the weather in Fahrenheit and knew my way around Spokane.  When Dave passed away, I was again thrown out of that settled life into a period of unsettlement again.  Now that I am back here, I am rediscovering the things I used to enjoy prior to going to the States but my life has also been enriched by what I learned and experienced with Dave. 

But I still ache to be with Dave, to be in his arms again and to be sharing my life with him. I still want to bring him and everything I enjoyed in the States into my life here in Australia.  I still long to feel his touch, be embraced by him and be loved by him.  There are no words to adequately describe the ache of missing him and all that he is to me, the ache of living my life without Dave.

Only One Choice

The rain has eased off a little but every now and again, I can still hear thunder in the distance and the briefest flash of lightening.  I cannot sleep although I tried to refrain from drinking diet coke too much today so perhaps it’s because it’s warm in this room, that I’m kept awake.  Or could it be the swirling thoughts of happenings in the past, happenings today, snippets of songs I heard and words that I read in a book?  It seems to be typical that since I moved back to Australia, I do not sleep well on a Saturday night.

I played a game of cribbage (or more) on my computer.  Dave taught me to play cribbage online when we were new friends back in 1999.  I remember the first time we played in ‘real life’ in 2002, sitting in the kitchen and him winning the first game because I was unsure how to score.  When I won the 2^nd game, he decided that we’d played enough cribbage.  Dave liked winning and could be pretty ruthless.  One time we were playing scrabble online and he’d ask me how to spell a word and I naively told him.  He then used all his letters to get the bingo points with that word.  When I only had vowels left and told him, he then proceeded to block all the vowels and won the game by 2pts.  It was the first time he won against me and the last time he played that game with me.  

So now here I am back in Australia and this weekend I have moved into my new home as I begin a new job and a new chapter of my life.  This weekend, I was again moved to whinge that this is not fair! It is not fair that Dave is no longer alive and that I am living on my own, starting new things but so badly wishing I was with Dave.  Our short marriage wasn’t always easy and there were times that I got hurt and felt let down but I kept loving Dave and knew that we would get through it.  I knew that he loved me and we both knew there were issues that we needed to work through.  Whatever happened though, every morning before he went to work, we would hug each other tight and say “I love you”.  When he came home, I would go to him, wait for him to put his things on the kitchen counter, wait for the dog to finish greeting him and then hug him and tell him I was glad he was home and that I love him.

Not long before he passed away, I began reading a book called, “The Excellent Wife” and he saw it next to my bed one night and raised his eyebrows as he got into bed beside me.  His arm went around me and I snuggled into him and assured him that I wanted to be an excellent wife to him.  I wanted to know how to be the best wife I could be and love him in a way that honoured him.  It was around that time that he started to relax in my love and enjoy being loved by me.  He softened and had moments of gentleness, even apologising if he felt that he’d hurt me. I wish we could have had many more times of enjoying each other’s unencumbered love, for that’s what it was growing to be.

So, yes, once again I am battling the unfairness of this chapter in my life. I’m reading a book by Mary Beth Chapman called, “Choosing to See” and have been reminded of God’s grace and the fact that He has a purpose for my life.  It might not be my plan and sometimes the journey is painful and hard to bear but God brings good out of it.  When their daughter died in a tragic accident and people asked how they were, Mary Beth responded with:

     “I want Maria back.  I want my son Will Franklin not to have this as a chapter in his story.  I want my children to be healthy, my family to be secure.  I don’t care whose life has been touched or changed because of our loss!”

  A bit later she wrote,   “What I’ve found is that it’s in the most unlikely times and places of hurt and chaos that God gives us a profound sense of His presence and the real light of His hope in the dark places.”

I can so relate to both of those statements.  I want Dave back.  I don’t want this chapter in my life.  I don’t care whose life is touched or changed because of my loss.  And even when hope tries to push in to my heart, I try to push it away because I don’t want to care.  If I care, then I allow hope to ‘win’, and I have to move forward without Dave and live life trusting my Heavenly Father to bring good out of all this.  It’s unfair that I have to make a choice.  Choose life without Dave.  Choose to respond to the knowledge that my loving Father has another purpose for my life that doesn’t include Dave here. 

Kicking and screaming sometimes, that it’s still not fair, it’s the only choice I can make.  God knows my heart and He knows how much I love Dave but He keeps leading me onward -- Without Dave beside me but with the memories we shared, the love we had and the many ways he influenced who I am today.

A Window, An Ocean, Blessings and Grief.

Every day I wake up to a new day.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a window and that the curtains are drawn in order to deal with the pain.  The light (of hope) is persistent and tries to find a crack to find it's way in.  In to my broken heart.  I have cried so many tears and been on an emotional rollercoaster.  I know this is all 'normal' and I know it's all part of grieving.

Rhonda (my sis-in-law) told me to expect people to say the derndest things, insensitive words that may hurt and I knew that it would happen but it doesn't make it easier to bear.  In the last 4 months I have gone through many changes.  I lost my heart, my best friend, my companion and lover on August 2nd.  Since then I have moved from one country across to the other side, left behind family and friends there and returned to family and friends  here.  I have lived with some very generous and kind friends who have done all they can to make this transition 'easier'.  They have taken me into their homes and welcomed me with open arms, love and acceptance.

More recently, I have been employed to teach my all-time favourite class level - Grade 3/4 and have found a home within walking distance at a reasonable rental price.  Yesterday I met my class for next year and it's going to be a fun and challenging year.  I am looking foward to it and I know I can do a good job but it is still change.  Change in circumstances, home and 'remembering' everything all over again. 

As I was driving home last night, I was feeling very tired and overwhelmed.  This change is not of my own choosing.  This pain and grief is not something that can be brushed away with the morning light.  Grief is like the ocean.  It will come in waves with all the fury of an undercurrent, carrying seaweed, rocks, plants fish in it's belly.  Other times, it will allow a boat to float gently into the shore.  Sometimes I can 'control' the ocean and on the surface, appear that all is at peace and I am moving forward.  Other times, if you can see inside the window, you might notice that my eyes are close to tears and I will turn away, suck in my lip and try to think of something else to distract me from the grief.

On a brighter note, I did get Dave's ring back today.  His wedding ring has been at the jeweller's since I got back to Australia.  When I took it to be cleaned, while I was still in the States, they noticed a couple of diamonds were loose so I took it to a jeweller in Australia, who I know is very good.  He noticed that a couple of the diamonds were cracked and so took it to repair it.  He said that it wasn't made very well and he had some difficulty with getting it repaired to the quality he wanted it to be.  When Dave and I bought the rings, we bought rings that we both liked and went for that, rather than get an expensive sort because we knew that we wouldn't ever be selling them.  They were there for the symbol, not for the 'decoration.'  I am glad to be wearing Dave's wedding ring again.

My friend Karen made a pavlova for us tonight to celebrate my new home that I will be moving into on the weekend.  On one hand I'm looking forward to having my own place but on the other hand 'my own' home is also a drawback.  A friend commented that it might hit me even more, that Dave is not with me once I am on my own.  It will be nice when all my stuff from the States comes because then it will feel like I have some of 'Dave' and our memories with me, too.

Often I feel like this is all too hard for me to handle and I don't want to take any more.  I wish my heart wasn't breaking and I wish I could just move forward, be the person I was before, without wearing the cloak of grief.  I keep pushing myself forward, hoping that I will get through this time and not be a burden to my family and friends who are walking beside me at this time.  I keep hoping that while I am receiving so much encouragement and blessings from others, that I can, in turn, give back to them.  Although sometimes I feel that I am too drained to be the blessing that I will be one day.  Sometimes I just want to be allowed to cry without feeling guilty, to be sad and not feel like some people expect me to stop crying and get on with life.  You'd be surprised at what some people tell me.  And yes, I know that I am super sensitive at times, too but I keep plodding forward. (albeit begrudgingly at times.)

Thank you Lord for my home, my job, for the friends and family who are a blessing in my life.  Thank you Lord for being by my side at this time and even when I don't want to carry on, when I feel like I've had too much to deal with, when I'm angry and hurt for being in this place, thank you for such unconditional love!     

First Day of Aussie Summer 2011

The first day of Summer was the day it should be with blue skies, fluffy white clouds and a gentle breeze.  The mountains stood majestically behind the tall gum trees, butterflies flitted over the shrubs and magpies sang their pretty song.  In the distance a lawn mower could be heard and a chain saw too, people went about their daily business.  


Sometimes when I wake up, there is such a sense of loss and heartbreak that I barely want to get up and live. Tears fell freely today, as I drove to a small country town called Shepparton and at times, my vision was blurred.  I licked the salty taste of tears and dabbed at my eyes with my fingers so that I could continue driving.  I thought of pulling over but why would I stop?  And then, if I stopped, I doubted the tears would stop.  I tried to think of other things but like Gretel, my heart said, "Why don't I feel better?"  Except that I knew why.


I went to a bookstore and found a couple books that I had been looking for, that I will be able to use next Tuesday when I introduce myself to the class and when they respond likewise.  I am looking forward to teaching them and sharing with them the wonderful stories, pictures and even Maths equations, that will be ours for 2012.  I found books about bicycles, stories of Australian history that involved horses and even a big book of indoor and outdoor games that will remind me of the games I already know and teach me fun games that I can use with the students.  


I received a phone call from a real estate and I have a home which is only 1km (0.6 miles) from the school I'll be teaching at.  I'll be able to ride, walk or drive depending on my energy levels, the time I have and the amount of 'stuff', e.g. books, that I'll be carrying with me.  I am happy with the place and I will be moving in next weekend (9th & 10th Dec.) so I'll be able to be settled by Christmas and when my things arrive from the US, they will have a home to be unpacked in.


Why don't I feel better?

As I walked back to my car from shopping, I saw a saddle store and decided to walk in and 'smell' the leather of saddles, touch the bridles and admire the 'western' clothing.  I looked at the prices of a Wrangler shirt and decided that I already had enough western clothing and as the tears threatened again, I moved out of the store and almost, but not quite, ran to the car and drove back to the place I am staying at.  I still feel tired and drained.


I am thankful that everything is falling into place.  I am thankful for the new job and for my home.  I am thankful for the friends and family who are so encouraging, loving and supportive.  But even the expression "falling into place" irks me.  Dave and I wanted everything to fall into place for our life together.   While we were away for our first anniversary, we said that everything should be easier for us now because it had been tough!  We weren't to know then, that we'd only have 6 more weeks together.  

Yes, it's a good day but inside, my heart still aches for Dave.