As I lay upon my bed, thoughts of so much and loved ones, fill my head and I even begin composing my last will and testament. I didn't post a photo on my thankful blog and I wonder if it matters when I break my own rules. The other day I broke my rule of not drinking more than three glasses of diet coke a day. It had been a very hot day, the water was boring to my taste and the orange mineral water was sticky. Alhough I don't even have a sheet covering me, I am hot. I am so tired even though I had a nap this afternoon and by 7:30pm, the computer was switched off and I came to bed and read for awhile. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, all will be well again.
There is much I can write about, but there are things I should not write about so I write as tactfully and diplomatically as I can, downplaying the hurt, anger and disappointment I feel at times. As I said to my good friend Sonya, while we chatted and played 5 games of Words With Friends (scrabble) against each other, at the same time, there is no point on dwelling on the way some people treat me like spratt. I can not change their actions (or lack thereof) and it doesn't help me move forward either. Sometimes though, it would be nice to bathe in sympathy and understanding and not feel that I'm the one who has to be strong for others, or lift others up when they are down, or set an example of a mature, grieving, yet gracious woman. I want to be free to have a melt-down, stuff myself with chocolate and cry without feeling guilty when I wake up the next morning.
I am grateful for your encouragement and love. I am glad that you persist in being positive and it will be good when I get to that place too. In the meantime, I will try and go back to sleep, curl into a ball and wish that I could be lucky enough to wake up with Dave in the morning.
5 comments:
Carolanne, you can break your own rules my friend. RIght now, you need to give yourself some slack and do whatever you feel like you can for this day. You will not always feel like half of you has been ripped off (because it has) but for now, your grief is your journey. Let others help you as they will (in real life - I am way too far away :( from you) and if possible, realize people usually don't mean to seem as insensitive as they come across. They just don't know how to handle grief, and avoidance is sometimes easier. Hope I haven't said too much. Love you,
Karen
Karen,
You never say too much and what you say is grounded in love and much appreciated. Even though you are so far away, your love and support is invalauble to me. I appreciate our friendship. Thank you. :)
C, tradition says you can be in mourning for a year. The reality is, sadly, you'll be in mourning for the rest of your life. In the years to come, the grief won't be as acute as it is now. There is nothing written that says you must be the strong one - you are the one experiencing a grief that, hopefully, most of us won't experience for many years. If you need a day in bed or a box of chocolate or four diet cokes tomorrow, go for it. Just allow yourself that moment for now and don't dwell on it. As time goes on, you may find a more positive activity to substitute for that moment of missing Dave. Don't get me wrong - you'll always miss him, but you may find that a walk in the woods or a swim in the ocean makes you feel better than the tears you spill into that box of chocolate. For now, if you need to cry, then cry. It's okay to miss Dave...just try to remember the wonderful times you two had together and try to smile.
Personally, I think you're a remarkably strong, amazing woman. You crossed the ocean to marry a man who turned out to be your Prince Charming. You lost him tragically and unexpectedly, and yet you found the strength to go on...and for you to leave your new home and beloved new family to return to your homeland took a lot of strength and courage. You may think you're alone, but you are a great friend - you make great friends, and you have Dave's memory to treasure...and you will survive.
Sea, if you make the rules, they are your rules to break whenever you see fit.
The path you are walking is essentially a solitary road, the only feet that can tread it are yours. Others may offer prayers, ancouragement and advice, we may try to point out the way to you, but it is yur journey and only you can make it. Your head tells you that others have travelled the same path before you and your heart screams out that they have not had your agony. All that any of us can do is to stand by the wayside and offer you a cup of cool diet coke every now and then.
Vicki,
I had to laugh - charm and Dave in the same sentence? Now that is funny.
And going for a walk in the woods in the middle of the night is probably not a good thing, nor swimming in the ocean... but yes, I agree with you. :)
Thanks all for your comments. Made me smile. Remember, this was written in the middle of the night, and usually, when I wake up in the morning, those emotions are not quite so strong.
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