The other day a good friend of mine asked me why people can be so insensitive and I asked her, "How many of our friends, do you know, have been through what I have been through? How many have moved to another country to be with their beloved husband, only to become a widow a short time later? How many friends do we have who had to move back to Australia and start all over again?" People want to make it better and fix it but they don't know because they've never been through it and sometimes, because they think they have the answers or even think they know what's best for me, they spout forth words that they think are encouraging from their perspective and do not know that their words sometimes just fan the flames of pain and loss.
I have bad days and I have moments when the pain is too great for me to bear and I ask God to take it away from me. I look around and see all the blessings in my life and am thankful but I know that it came at a far greater cost than just financial. I move forward but not at an eager, quick stride, it is more like plodding, grasping at straws and all the while hoping that one day, this too shall pass.
But I am moving forward at the pace that suits me. Last Tuesday, Nathan and I took off to The Grampians so that I could introduce him to a place my family often went camping at, when we were young. What I remember most about the Grampians, as we hiked up the mountain, was asking, "How much further?" and Dad responding with, "You can do it. Not much further to go now." But it was a long way uphill. We booked into a motel that had a swimming pool and that night, after we had something to eat, we went and played in the pool for a bit. I taught Nathan to do a handstand and a forward flip which was fun. I swam some laps and once again, reminded myself I need to go swimming more often. (Just not at that fitness centre mentioned in an earlier blog post.)The next morning we went to the information centre and asked about the walks. The main one I wanted to do was the climb to The Pinnacle. This is what the brochure said:
.... a strenuous walk to a famous peak.
Distance: 5.5km return Time: 2-2 1/2 hours.
Elevation Change: 280 metres Grade: medium - hard
Cross the footbridge into the spectacular Grand Canyon. At the top of the steps, turn left and follow the signs up the rock platforms. The steady ascent winds through rocky woodland, past Bridal Veil Falls, through Silent Street and on to the awe inspiring Pinnacle Lookout.
As the lady told us about the variety of walks, Nathan asked if there were any short, intense walks and I raised my eyebrows and looked at him, telling him that I'm sure this walk will be intense enough. Later he defined 'intense' as being fun and with rock climbing, not just dirt tracks. He was not disappointed by the 'strenuous walk to a famous peak'. He thought it was fun and went way above his expectations. As we walked up the mountain, it was hot and we stopped often to take photos, drink from our water bottles and to rest. I rested and Nathan waited for me. 
We chatted to other climbers going up and others coming down. We rested often. One young couple we met were from New York and the girl was here to do a post graduate, exchange study program. They told us about the issues they were facing here, phone problems, banking, finding a place to stay short term and we gave them some advice about what to do. Before we parted ways, I gave them my phone number and said that if they found themselves in urgent need of a place to stay, or need help, call me. The guy was all 'cool' about it but there was relief in the young girl's face as she thanked me profusely. 
We continued on our way and yes, It was a strenuous hike, more hard than medium-hard, but the view at the top was awe inspiring. As Nathan took photos, he turned to me and said, "Photos really don't capture the reality and beauty." There was a cool breeze at the top and it was wonderful to just sit and relax, breathe in the fresh air and the sense of achievement of having made it, was good too. On the way back down the mountain, my right knee really hurt!! The first time I had experienced this pain was a couple years ago when Dianne and I had gone riding to Nick and Jennifer's which was 7 miles one way. On the way back, I could barely move my leg and to make Dee get moving faster, Dianne had to get Stormy into a gallop so that Dee would follow her. The pain on the way down was more intense than that time. I could barely walk down the steps and at some rocks, I sat down and moved down rather than just step down. Nathan invited me to lean on him and when I said "No" he thought it was my pride keeping me from doing it. It was more that I don't know how to lean on someone for help. Most of the way, I hobbled down but we made it.
After not being able to sleep much, the leg is still sore today but now the stiffness and ache of all my body, due to an ageing and unfit body, has added to the pain. Still, it was worth it, for the time I got to spend with Nathan and make memories with him and the wonderful experience it really was, to climb to The Pinnacle.
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