What do Horseriding, Grief and Rivers Have In Common?

Grieving is like riding a horse.  You can be out riding in the wheat fields with the wind blowing through your hair, the sun shining on your face and as the horse gallops, you're thinking you're going to make it when your horse decides that she doesn't want to go your way anymore.  She turns to the left, you turn her to the right. She wants to walk, you want to trot. You hear a truck coming behind you so pull her off to the side of the road to avoid trouble and she decides that she doesn't want to go to the edge of the road where she's been pulling you for the last few moments.

I thought I had the grief journey figured out.  I understood and was thankful that Dave was a part of me and I was satisfied that no one/nothing could steal the memories that we shared in our love for each other.  I was hopeful and got to working on preparing for my year ahead teaching.  Nathan is here for a few days so I took him on a tour of the school and my classroom.  Before I went to bed last night, I laminated name cards and the desk/name cards and sorted through some of the children's books I had received when my good friend Carolyne was here.

On my way to bed, I turned out the lights in the loungeroom and I hadn't realised that all the other lights were off in the house so as I walked into the kitchen, I bumped into the corner of the brick wall.  Undettered, I walked to the bathroom, turned on the light, brushed my teeth and went and looked at the spot marked "bump" over my eyebrow and it was a little bruised and stung a little to my touch but I decided I would live despite that.

In the morning I was woken up by the garbage truck going past and realised that I hadn't put the bin out last night.  I had had weird dreams and I sensed this wasn't going to be one of my better days.  The postal lady came with a box from Koorong (Christian bookstore) that was filled with goodies for my classroom reward box and a couple of books and while I was outside, I checked the mailbox.  Inside was a bill from a phone company that I was not affiliated with.

The box was left unopened while I dealt with the phone company who explained that the phone company I deal with are affiliated with them and that my phone company hadn't set me up right so I still had to pay for the international calls, a mobile call and an interstate call which were not even at the rates my phone company had quoted me on.  I called my phone company and they explained that it was their error but unfortunately I would still have to pay the bill and they rectified the problem.... they said.  I tried to call Mom Flowers and a recorded message told me they could not connect me.  I called them back and again told them that had they informed me that I was going to be using the other phone company to begin with, I would have waited. Again, they apologised and said that I would still have to pay the bill and they've now fixed the problem, so try again in half an hour or so.

Nathan and I went for a walk to the store because I needed the staples in life: bread, milk and diet coke.  I found some more goodies for my classroom and home, including a top hat to put the children's names in for when I am selecting partners or need to be objective about whose turn it is.  I do enjoy preparing and getting organised for my class and my spare room/office, is starting to fill with my classroom treasures and resources.  As we walked and talked, the things started tugging at my heart, overwhelming me again and I burst into tears.  "It's not fair!" I cried and Nathan agreed and suggested that I show him around the school this afternoon to cheer myself up again.  That's not going to work.  I don't even want to become one of those single women who pour themselves into their work because they don't have a life. 

I have a life and at the moment, it's not what I had planned.  I miss Dave and still feel ripped off that I am not living my life with him, in our home.  Having to budget my money so that I have enough to live on until my first pay day, having to deal with 'new' phone companies, unexpected bills, buying stuff that I had in my home with Dave, is emotionally draining and simply, not fair!  

An hour or 2 later, I tried calling Mom Flowers again and got the same automated message so I called my phone company again and again they reassured me that it is as they say but that they'd miscommunicated how long it would take to rectify the problem and I can try again tomorrow after lunch.  It's ridiculous!  My life is ridiculous.  I just want something to work immediately without any hitches and I want to move forward without all the other dramas to go with it.  I want my grief and my life to move forward like a river, flowing naturally, over the rocks and around the bends, effortlessly.

It all comes down to I miss Dave more than I can say and loved him more than I imagined.  Living life without him is not what I planned nor what I really want to do.  I know that I have to, but I don't like it!