Facing the Future

I haven't been doing too well the last few days.  I walk up and down shopping aisles, biting my lip and holding back tears, trying to read my shopping list and figure out what I really need to buy, yet filling up my shopping cart with Magnums which are on sale.  (Magnums = ice cream bars coated with thick, delicious Belgian chocolate and finally made it to the States, just before I left.) I also bought healthy stuff so don't worry too much about me. "I am eating healthy, Dad." as the TV ad used to say. It constantly feels like my stomach is all twisted and turned and trying to pull me inside out and I even feel sick at times.

Sometimes I get mad at Dave for leaving me to start my life all over again.  As I was mowing the lawns today, as I was putting handles on the new drawers that I bought for my desk, as I try to sleep at night without Dave by my side, I ache for him.  It's often the little things that make me wish he was here. Things I want to share with him and things I miss about him.  I miss his nearness, the 'security' he gave me and the closeness we shared.  I get mad at him for leaving me with so many questions.  I once wanted to write his biography as a kind of fiction/non-fiction but now, all those things I wanted to find out from him and about him, will forever remain a mystery to me.

Rhonda said that the 'bad' memories will be overshadowed by the good times but we were married for such a short time, I don't have a big bank of memories to begin with and for that I hurt, too.  So few good memories to recall because we had such a brief moment of marriage.  I am glad for all the photos I took but I still wish I had taken more.  I wish I could have captured some of those special moments but I kept my camera in my purse, thinking, 'There will be another time like this.'

I feel like I don't really belong here and I don't belong where I consider home, back in Reardan, Washington, either.  There are friends and family over there, who don't respond to my emails and messages and I wonder if they have forgotten me already.  At the same time, I know that there will be a sifting of friends as it will not be possible to maintain all the friendships I had while there.  I thought it would be a 'natural' parting as time moved on but for some, it seems abrupt already and I wonder if they realise just how much I valued their love and support. 

Each day, I choose whether or not I leave my home and that choice is difficult to make when I  am hurting so much.  I want to stay put and not go out into the sunshine and feel the warmth of summer air kiss my face.  There are very few friends who are making an effort to ensure I do not hibernate and they seem to call or visit at the right moment.  I am thankful for their persistence because, as I have said before, I do not have the emotional strength to contact anyone, no matter how close you are to me.  It's nothing personal about you.

Recently someone said to me, "You haven't changed" and my inward response was, "You didn't know me then and  you don't know me now."  There are very few people who I really make myself vulnerable to and who I admit my fears, hopes and insecurities to.  Even here on this blog page, you're only getting a glimpse of what I choose to reveal in a public forum.  Sure, it's more than what an acquaintance could find out about me but a real relationship is a two way thing so if you're not communicating who you are to me, then you don't know me either.

Each day as I move forward, I get my hopes up and start thinking about the future, then a moment later, I will hit the bottom of the pit with a thud, because I don't want a future without Dave.  I look forward to teaching and start getting motivated to begin planning for my class, then I wish that I was back at home, teaching in WA.  I make my home here and then get overwhelmed by all the 'newness' of my life, having to start a new job,  make new friends and put roots down here, not at home in the States.  I have no idea how many times a day I cry out to the Lord and say, "It's too hard!  I can't do it!  Please make it stop and please take me home.  Give me an escape from this life."  But I am still here and I push myself on.

And lastly, before I go and eat a Magnum and do the dishes, I read in my Bible today from James 4 and the devotional thought was called, "Facing the Future".

v 14 "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." 

In the Message it said, "You don't know the first thing about tomorrow..."

 and David McCasland said, "As we look ahead with God firmly in view, we can face the future with confidence in His loving plan."

I  must admit though, I am struggling to see how this could be viewed as His loving plan.  It's not the plan I was hoping for and it's challenging to live every day starting from 'scratch' but I do believe that He will bring good out of it.  I just wish it didn't hurt so much!!!!