Step By Faltering Step

The smell of 'Intimately' permeates the house after I accidently smashed the jar of perfume on the bathroom floor, yesterday.  The bandaid on the small scratch has since fallen off and then later on that day, I burnt my arm on a hot saucepan.  I had a quiet, wistful day, thinking about things, crying a little, understanding what intense loneliness really is.  I decided last night that I would make an effort to formally change my last name to "Flowers" so that my driver's licence and passport would read correctly.  My bank account, teacher registration, superannuation, ATO (tax office) and other official organisations recognise an international marraige certificate so have my last name changed but the last two required a visit to the city to the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages.  Before I went to bed, I looked up the address, train timetable and google map so I would know where to walk from the station to the office and then prepared to get up relatively early.

Knowing I have to get up early does not mean that my body will sleep any better.  It hurts to be alone without Dave and my heart aches with missing him so much and sometimes I just want to give up.  It's hard to want to keep on going forward and I often wonder at the futility of it.  I stress about little things even before they become big things and I cry when I'm alone.  It cost me a lot to marry Dave (not just financially) and I hate having to borrow money from friends before I am  even earning a regular wage.  I hate having to consider and justify every purchase and as the dollars dwindle away, I check the bank account balance as often as a dieter checks the bathroom scales. 

After a good breakfast this morning, I set off on my 12 minute walk to the station and as I sat on the platform waiting for the train, observed the people around me.  One mother came to where her two sons and husband were waiting and she handed her tickets to her husband who then handed them out to the children.  She told her husband to get the tickets back but he said "It'll be alright, love."  The train was crowded so they were separated in their seating but managed to get off together at the right stop.  After I got off the train, I followed the wave of people walking towards the exit and looked for the right signs to guide me.  The walk was easy and I arrived at my destination by 10:00am. 

I expected the place to be similar to when Dave and I had to apply for my social security card so I took my ticket number and filled out the form to change my last name.  I sat down and five minutes later (as opposed to 50 minutes later in the US) I was called up to the counter by Paul, who went through my application thoroughly, speaking words of encouragement as he did.  He took all of my documentation and photocopied it, took my money, which was way too much if you ask me, (but it's the fee) and sent me to a bank as I needed something with my name and address on it.  I walked to the bank and got wolf whistled along the way but I didn't turn around because I wanted to get this over and done with.  At the bank, I paid another fee to receive the stamped paperwork, went back to Paul who took it and told me not to stress, it's all there and I'll receive the name change certificate within 10-20 days from now.  It's a relief to have it all done and sorted out.

On the way back to the station, I headed into a "Krispy Kreme Donuts" store and bought a strawberry dream and a diet coke.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if life was a strawberry dream and if all things ended up happily ever after??!!  I sat and read the paper while I drank my diet coke and ate the donut then went and found information to find out what platform I needed to be on.  Finding out I had another 50 minutes before the train departed, I went for a walk and bought a pair of lovely sandals that were on sale.  They will be perfect for school, especially as I will be walking to school regularly. 

The train was half an hour late and we were told to change platforms so we all rushed in one strong, big wave in the same direction.  I saw a young girl struggling with a suitcase on wheels, a backpack and two other smaller bags on her own and offered to help her.  She looked hesitant at first, looked ahead and then her backpack slipped off so I gently prised it from her and walked alongside her to where the rest of her group were standing.  As the train arrived, we all boarded and the girl's mother and her friend (with 5 young children between them) started demanding loudly for people to move out of their seats.  "We've booked these seats and paid for them.  They're ours!"  They were so loud and rude.  As they sat down not far from me, I caught the eye of a tanned girl in the seat across from me and we shared our opinion of them with the raising of eyebrows, the shake of our heads and she even curled her lip.  I don't understand why parents choose to be rude and obnoxious in front of their children when it doesn't take much effort to be courteous.  As for seat allocation, not all tickets have a seat allocation, so get over it.

I walked home in the searing heat and the first thing I did when I got in the door, was turn the air conditioner on.  I had received a package and opened it eagerly as it was a mug with a photo of Dave and I, that I had bought and paid for before Christmas and I showed it to Mom and Dad as I spoke with them on Skype.  Mom recounted stories about Dave that I hadn't heard before and while I liked hearing them, it's a reminder that there was so much about him that I really didn't know.  It wasn't their intention but once again, I had that feeling of not belonging to Dave, not belonging in his life, not being part of many of his memories.  We had only spent just over a year together but he'd had a long and eventful life.  As the afternoon wore on, I wondered where I did belong, even now. I wondered if it had been worth the cost of all I had given to him even though I know, if given the choice, I'd do it again. 

It hurts to be starting all over again and to be starting from scratch at this age and stage of my life.   Even this morning as I left for the city, I was aware that nobody knew where I was going and nobody would know if I didn't come home. It hurts not having some stability in my life and as I dried my tears and sat down to eat a boysonberry ripple drumstick, the phone rang.  I picked it up and on the other end was my good friend Sharyn who I had finally found after 'years' of not having heard anything and I had emailed her yesterday.  She laughed and kept saying that when she read my email, she was so surprised and said, "I've found her again!" and she had to call me.  We spoke for some time, maybe an hour but it went by quickly.  She was there for me 15 years ago when I was really struggling and tonight, I didn't have to say much because she already knew.  As we said goodbye I told her that God knew I needed to hear from her today.  God orchestrated it so that I knew He loved me enough to send along the right person at the right time for me.

As much as it hurts, God loves me through all this pain and He knows how to get me through it so that I don't fall into a useless mess.  He picks me up with His strong arms around me and  holds me up.  He fans the smouldering ashes of hope back into a tiny flame so that I can take those steps forward again.  I am so glad that He loves me more than I can fathom!

And yes, I am aware that next week, when I start work, things will be different again and there will be some stability in my life.  I am aware that my life and circumstances will improve and I will move forward but it's still less than six months since my husband passed away and still only three and half months since my circumstances changed and I came back to Australia.  I am grieving and it still hurts but I am moving forward and I am thankful for the blessings in my life, too.   Tomorrow, I am going away for a couple days with my son Nathan and I am looking forward to a good time with him!