I do not know when my things from the US will arrive. It's been six weeks since they landed on Australian soil and it was only meant to take two weeks after that, but due to public holidays, there is a big backlog of stuff to get through quarantine, including my things. I can not afford to, nor do I want to, go out and buy more clothes. I also want my other personal things to arrive so that I can 'finally' settle in here. I am doing what I can to settle in but having my outdoor bench, the waffle maker Dave gave me for our first anniversary, the teddy bear he bought me for Valentine's Day, my books and even the small bookshelf, would be so nice to have. I do need to buy a bookshelf though!
Most people consider me an extrovert and they seem to think I have a natural talent for introducing and meeting new people. When I did a personality test years ago, it was discovered (accurately) that I am 'ambidextrous' when it comes to being an extrovert or introvert. In other words, although I can get out and meet other people and enjoy it, I am also able to enjoy my own company and I'm quite content without having people in my face throughout the day. The last five and half months have been.... overwhelming. Losing my husband was the worst most possible thing that could happen but then having to go on without him, was a challenge in itself. Leaving our home, leaving the country that I was beginning to call 'mine' to the extent of learning the national anthem by heart, leaving my family and friends there, all the people and things that I had adopted and made mine, was another challenge.
It hasn't been easy and with all the other little dramas that happen, including not having my things from my home in the States, adds to the stress and challenge of daily life. No matter how many times I say it's hard and try to express how hard it is, people nod and say, "I know" and I feel like I'm hitting my head up against a brick wall because then they add, "Well you need to get out and be a blessing to others", "You will be fine once you start your job and have that to occupy you", "You should be attending a church by now" and I wonder, if it was the other way round, would they be so quick to say, "Get out and get on with your life." If they had to walk into a church, on their own, without knowing anyone, having just lost their spouse, left their country, moved to a new area and starting a new job, would they be there 'tomorrow'? But because I am an extrovert and friendly, sometimes the assumption is that I can do those things as naturally as breathing.
Today when I walked into the church and looked around, I looked through Dave's eyes. I imagined what he'd be whispering to me (sometimes not quietly enough) and I thought about what he would think of the worship time and the sermon but I am not Dave. When we sang those songs, I thought about the words and what it means to me to worship and love God during this season of my life. I had to stop thinking about the words because it was causing me to tear up and I did not want to cry. I did not want to think about Dave not being with me because I did not want to cry. Crying leads to all sorts of questions and this was my first visit and I did not want to go into the story of why I was here, in this town and where had I been before.
After the service, a staff member from school came to me and chatted which was nice. I know I will get on well at the school and will make lots of friends. I know I make lots of friends wherever I go, that is not the point. I am so glad she and another lady made me feel welcomed. I know better than to 'judge' a church based on my first visit, especially when it's still school holidays and the pastor is away, so I will go back another Sunday.
When I got home, I talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype a bit and told them how I felt about going to church without Dave being with me. The thing is, I just want something easy and straightforward in my life. I just want something constant and to be able to put down roots. I was reading a Christian fiction story last night and could identify when the main character said, "I always thought my life would go one way, and I don't know anything other than that. I don't know what to dream in its place."
A friend told me recently, in the 10+ years she'd known me, I'd had to reinvent myself quite a few times. I am tired of beginning over again and reinventing myself. I thought, with Dave, we had a long future in front of us and that I could put down roots with him so I started doing that. Now I am uprooted again and I don't know what to dream in the place of what I shared with him. My job is just for the year and I don't have the emotional strength to consider what comes after that and it's too soon for me to want to put roots down and I'm too skeptical to believe that I can put roots down and dream again. 
The analogy of a tree, rooted into the deep earth, growing up strong doesn't seem to apply to me. Although, I guess, if the deep earth is my faith, then it makes sense. But in life, I feel like I am a weak sapling, being beaten about by the storms of life and being caught up in the wind and swept along with no place to really stop and just enjoy being here.
I didn't mean for this blog post to be depressing. I am moving forward with life and I do count my blessings and realise that God has a purpose for my life. What it all comes down to is, I miss Dave and it hurts like crazy to get on with my life without him. But I have to.
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