And something else which is also normal in the journey of grief and that is anger. I decided to have a few friends over on Saturday for afternoon tea and to entertain them, I knew I had to buy some pretty plates and things. I know I don't have much even when my stuff from the US comes and that's where some of the anger began. I thought about how I sold and mostly gave away everything I had here to begin a new life with Dave. I had started to 'rebuild' our things when I was there, but since I didn't have a job and we had lots of bills to pay, there were a lot of pretty things, aka the 'feminine touch' that I couldn't yet afford. Dave and I both had plans to make our house more of a home and to rebuild it and he wanted me to do what I could to make it ours. We were planning to buy new curtains and every now and again, I would buy a pretty plate or tablecloth for when guests came. Our time was too short. To be honest, sometimes I am a little mad at Dave for not being quick to establish us and our home together as a couple and sometimes I am just mad at the circumstances that robbed us of our future. There are other reasons but this is as much as I need to say.Today I had friends visit me who I had not seen in 20 years. Before the friends came, I predicted who would be first to arrive and I also imagined some of what might be said and I shared my predictions with Nathan. I was right about who would be first and I was also right when I predicted who would say, "You haven't changed in 20 years. You still look exactly the same! Seriously, we all look 20 years older but not you!" and his wife kindly added, "You don't even have any wrinkles". I did confess to having had my grey coloured dyed out yesterday. It was more than just that compliment. The friends who came today have been my friends for years and as one said, "It's still you. You haven't changed who you are." There was a lot of affirmation about who I am as a person and who I am as a teacher.
Later on, I was talking to two women friends, one who was a role model for me about 25 years ago, and the other was a lady I worked with and played squash with. While we were in the backyard, we were catching up and I was sharing a lot of my journey as they listened attentively. Later on, I commented to them on how I sold/gave away so much to go to the States and they both smiled and responded, "Why does that not surprise me? You have always been generous like that." It was nice to bathe in their healing and kind words.
Sometimes, in our hurt and pain, in the smog of living in this world, we forget how much our lives affect others around us. I forget how much I am valued for who I am. I know that I am loved but I forget that others see things in me and about me that they value in their friendship with me.
I am beginning to understand better what Dave meant when he told his brother that he was terrified of how much he loved me because he didn't know what he had to offer me. He didn't know why I loved him so much. When I think about who Dave was as a man, as a husband to me, as a father to his children and as a truck driver, a friend, a brother and a son, the words that come to mind, are that of a man striving to love and serve God, to stand with integrity and who was more loyal and generous than he realised. There were times he didn't get it right and I'm sure if he was alive, he would say there were times I didn't get it right, but through it all, he had a perserverance and a desire to do what is right.As I was meeting with those friends today, it seems that the pieces all fall into place. Andy Andrews, a speaker at the Women of Faith Conference in Spokane last September has written a book called, "The Boy Who Changed the World" and it's based on a true story and written to remind children that everything we do matters. Every decision and choice that we make, no matter what age we are, makes a difference in others' lives. Today as I looked around the living room and saw my friend Carolyn who I've been friends with for about 40 years, another friend Carolyn - friends for 30 years, another friend who I don't even remember meeting because our families have always known each other, other friends I knew from years ago and another friend I've only known for a couple months, but all of them today, were in the same place after all these years. It's remarkable how God brings some people back into our lives and it was lovely when one of my friends said to me, "I am so glad you are back here."
When Dave and I first met in 1999, we didn't know that the friendship we began, would lead to where it did, and there was no way I could have ever planned to be where I am now. It goes to show that the choices we make, the way we treat others around us, will make a difference years down the track. The Bible story that comes to mind, is that of when the woman was accused of sin and her accusers had stones in their hand ready to mete out punishment until Jesus said, "Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone". We've all been given grace and been loved and commanded to love others. I guess we need to treat others kindly and lovingly today because you might end up living next door to them, tomorrow.
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