A Window, An Ocean, Blessings and Grief.

Every day I wake up to a new day.  Sometimes I feel like I'm a window and that the curtains are drawn in order to deal with the pain.  The light (of hope) is persistent and tries to find a crack to find it's way in.  In to my broken heart.  I have cried so many tears and been on an emotional rollercoaster.  I know this is all 'normal' and I know it's all part of grieving.

Rhonda (my sis-in-law) told me to expect people to say the derndest things, insensitive words that may hurt and I knew that it would happen but it doesn't make it easier to bear.  In the last 4 months I have gone through many changes.  I lost my heart, my best friend, my companion and lover on August 2nd.  Since then I have moved from one country across to the other side, left behind family and friends there and returned to family and friends  here.  I have lived with some very generous and kind friends who have done all they can to make this transition 'easier'.  They have taken me into their homes and welcomed me with open arms, love and acceptance.

More recently, I have been employed to teach my all-time favourite class level - Grade 3/4 and have found a home within walking distance at a reasonable rental price.  Yesterday I met my class for next year and it's going to be a fun and challenging year.  I am looking foward to it and I know I can do a good job but it is still change.  Change in circumstances, home and 'remembering' everything all over again. 

As I was driving home last night, I was feeling very tired and overwhelmed.  This change is not of my own choosing.  This pain and grief is not something that can be brushed away with the morning light.  Grief is like the ocean.  It will come in waves with all the fury of an undercurrent, carrying seaweed, rocks, plants fish in it's belly.  Other times, it will allow a boat to float gently into the shore.  Sometimes I can 'control' the ocean and on the surface, appear that all is at peace and I am moving forward.  Other times, if you can see inside the window, you might notice that my eyes are close to tears and I will turn away, suck in my lip and try to think of something else to distract me from the grief.

On a brighter note, I did get Dave's ring back today.  His wedding ring has been at the jeweller's since I got back to Australia.  When I took it to be cleaned, while I was still in the States, they noticed a couple of diamonds were loose so I took it to a jeweller in Australia, who I know is very good.  He noticed that a couple of the diamonds were cracked and so took it to repair it.  He said that it wasn't made very well and he had some difficulty with getting it repaired to the quality he wanted it to be.  When Dave and I bought the rings, we bought rings that we both liked and went for that, rather than get an expensive sort because we knew that we wouldn't ever be selling them.  They were there for the symbol, not for the 'decoration.'  I am glad to be wearing Dave's wedding ring again.

My friend Karen made a pavlova for us tonight to celebrate my new home that I will be moving into on the weekend.  On one hand I'm looking forward to having my own place but on the other hand 'my own' home is also a drawback.  A friend commented that it might hit me even more, that Dave is not with me once I am on my own.  It will be nice when all my stuff from the States comes because then it will feel like I have some of 'Dave' and our memories with me, too.

Often I feel like this is all too hard for me to handle and I don't want to take any more.  I wish my heart wasn't breaking and I wish I could just move forward, be the person I was before, without wearing the cloak of grief.  I keep pushing myself forward, hoping that I will get through this time and not be a burden to my family and friends who are walking beside me at this time.  I keep hoping that while I am receiving so much encouragement and blessings from others, that I can, in turn, give back to them.  Although sometimes I feel that I am too drained to be the blessing that I will be one day.  Sometimes I just want to be allowed to cry without feeling guilty, to be sad and not feel like some people expect me to stop crying and get on with life.  You'd be surprised at what some people tell me.  And yes, I know that I am super sensitive at times, too but I keep plodding forward. (albeit begrudgingly at times.)

Thank you Lord for my home, my job, for the friends and family who are a blessing in my life.  Thank you Lord for being by my side at this time and even when I don't want to carry on, when I feel like I've had too much to deal with, when I'm angry and hurt for being in this place, thank you for such unconditional love!