Getting Ready To Teach Again

I've just spent 2 days at a retreat for all teaching and non-teaching staff at my new school.  Just so you know, I will not be mentioning the name of the school, where I live and where I use names, I will change them for my privacy and the privacy of others.   This year I am teaching gr 3/4 and my 'job' is only for the year but with a strong possibility that I will be asked to stay on if I should want to. 

The campsite was out in the bush, with a place to go canoeing, swimming, walking or just sitting around.  I shared a room with 2 other women.  All of the staff seem to be wonderful people and I got on well with the two teachers I shared a room with which is great as I'll be working closely with them this year.  There was a huntsman in our room last night so after it was killed, I made sure I kept my bag zipped up and I didn't take my sleeping bag out until I was ready to use it.  I did not want to be sharing my personal space with a huntsman spider!

The guest speaker talked about "Leadership" and he had some very good things to say about leadership and also about embracing change.  Some might find him a little radical but I found what he said to be refreshing and relevant.  Mostly he encouraged us to realise that we are the ones who need to make a difference and be aware that our actions and attitudes make a difference when we are dealing with change. 

Yesterday when he was talking about hurt/pain and healing and he said that we need to go to each other because God indwells every believer and encourage each other.  He said that many of the Bible verses about relationships are commands, "Encourage one another", "Love one another", "Serve one another" etc.  He said that too often, when someone is hurting, we try to fix them, mostly to make ourselves feel better when we are feeling uncomfortable.  When Job was in pain, his friends came and sat with him for a week without saying a word.  Bill said they should have done that and then not opened their mouths. 

My class is now up to 24 students with 16 of the students being in gr 3 and mostly boys. I have already packed my boxes of school things - books, teacher resources, rewards, desk/name labels and my 'teacher' chair in the car, as tomorrow (and every other school day) I have to be at school by 8:15am. I will make my lunch tonight before I crash onto my pillow. I am looking forward to the school year and I know that it is a step in the right direction.

It is not easy and at times I really struggle with the pain of losing Dave, as you will know if you are a regular reader of this blog site.  This life I have now has been at the cost of Dave's life and I would rather have Dave than this job, this home and this car but obviously that can't be so I have to move forward this way.  It still hurts.  The other day I went to my wardrobe and had to get something out of the suitcase and the 'smell' of home was there.  When my things from the US arrive, I am sure that I will have some mixed emotions and it will be bittersweet. 

Well, it's getting late and I want to make my lunch before I go to bed so goodnight and I'll write again soon.

The Evening Before Another Life Change

Before I go to bed tonight, I will pack an overnight bag as tomorrow all the staff are going on a retreat for our first two days of 'work' in 2012.  A colleague, Lisa, will be picking me up and we'll meet everyone else for breakfast at a place where we can go swimmng, canoeing, bushwalking and do other activities as we get to know each other so that we can work well together.  There are eleven new staff members and the key focus of this retreat is to "regroup, enjoy catching up, reflecting and preparing for our work together in 2012.  There will be a focus on the way we care for one another as well as the giving and receiving of feedback."  I have met a few other staff members already and this seems like it is a positive and caring place to work.  Regardless of what you think you know about me, I do struggle with meeting new people, especially when there is no 'background'/context.  i.e. When I went to the US, I was the wife of Dave, or the friend of Wanda, or Maurine, or the step-mum of Dianne etc.  Anyway,  I believe that staff morale is very important in any business and in the past have done all that I can to enable staff members to work as a team.  I am glad this is the environment I will be working in for 2012.

Earlier today, I printed out the english and maths curriculum for Term 1 that one of my colleagues emailed me and looked it over.  Although it is curriculum I have taught before, there are a few differences and I am nervous about starting work again.  There are new procedures to learn, including finding out where resources and teaching aids are kept, knowing what student and teacher records are required and.. my favourite..... paperwork!  Although it seems very organised and has similarities to past teaching experience, it is different and will require more learning for me.  Hopefully the co-ordinator (coach) will be patient with me as I ask him questions that might seem 'simple'.  I haven't taught in such a big school before and I have mostly been in charge, with little supervision and I've had to do all my own classroom work, mostly from scratch.  It will be good to work in a team, share ideas and learn with others.

So, on this evening before I begin work in my new job, in my new home, in a new area, I know I have to move forward and get some kind of purpose back into my life.  I am missing Dave so much and wish he was here with me and wish I could just cuddle with his strong and protective arms around me.  It hurts so much to be without him but I know that tomorrow is the start of a new chapter in my life and the Lord is beside me, holding my hand and giving me the strength to do it. 

Before I go to sleep tonight, I will finish packing.  The house is all clean and tidy for when I return and hopefully, the bushwalking won't be too strenuous although, yes, I am not very stiff and sore today.  I look forward to sharing with you some of the interesting and fun stories that this school year will provide me with.

The Daily Cycle of Grief

As night approaches, I put off going to bed knowing that Dave will not be there and I will be alone.  When I can procrastinate no longer, when even the mindless games I click on are tedious, I make my way down the hallway.  The long summer nights are hot but I keep the window closed to muffle the sounds of barking dogs and other suburban noises.  The night moves on wearily as I wait for sleep to come and as I wait for day to arrive so that I can be distracted by daytime activities.

When morning comes, I debate spending a day in bed and hiding forever but I force myself to get up and not waste time.  No matter what I do during the day, my usual enthusiastic spark is not there, although I try to fan it back into a flame.  I know I'm supposed to be excited, hopeful, thankful and even happy and yes, there are moments when I genuinely experience those emotions but they are shrouded by my grief and I look forward to the evening so I can put another day behind me.

This morning I woke up and remembered the dream I had just woken up from:

Dave and I were getting ready to go out and (as we used to do) we were watching each other in the mirrors and talking about usual things.  In my dream I stopped and just watched and admired him, my heart so full of love for him.  I placed my hand on his arm in a gesture trying to convey to him just how much I loved him.  He stopped what he was doing, looking back at me in the mirror.

And then I woke up.  Alone.  Without him.  Feeling so much love for him but tangled up in so much pain for missing him.  My stomach was in knots and the tears kept falling because he is never coming back and it hurts so much!!  My legs are aching after the hike up the mountain last Wednesday and the remedies include taking a bath with Epsom salts, taking a painkiller tablet or 2, going for a walk to walk it out and knowing the pain will be gone within a few days.  I wish there was a pain killer for the hurt in my heart and I wish that I could be better by tomorrow.  But there isn't and I won't.

I try to conjure up memories of our time shared together but there are so few and there isn't enough.  I read in a book:

Memories were like sunshine.  They warmed you up and left a pleasant glow, but you couldn't hold them.

I can really relate to that quote.

The death of a beloved spouse can not be compared to the death of any other loved one and there is no time frame or cure for the grief experienced. I know the right words to say to mask my pain and stuff it away for those who really don't want to know how I really am doing yet ask anyway, but this blog is not for them.  I write to share honestly about my journey in this life, especially after Dave passed away.

This pain is not unbearable although at times I think it is.  Many years ago when I was pregnant, I was told to look around and see how many mothers lived through the pain of childbirth despite how painful it is.  I guess it's the same for when someone loses a loved one.  Despite the pain and grief, we will get through it.  After the rain of tears, there is a rainbow of hope for good things to come.  It just takes time and endurance as we perservere through the pain.

I start work on Monday and I've been asked by quite a few people if I'm looking forward to it.  I want to say that I am but I know it's also tempered with a lot of mixed emotions including excitement, nervousness, grief, curiosity and hopefulness. I know that it will be a good year and that I will enjoy teaching.  As with any other year, I will do my best to teach and train the students in my class.

I just wish the circumstances were different.

Hiking Up A Mountain

I miss the 'olden' days of years ago, the days when I could have a bad day or a melt down and nobody thought much about it and instead they all suggested eating chocolate, having a bubble bath or going out to have a good time.  Since Dave passed away less than 6 months ago, when I am hurting, people seem to fill the silences with words to remind me of all that I have right now: a car, a home, a job.  It feels like they do not see, nor can they understand, the cost of all that I have right now came at the cost of my husband's life and  if I could trade in my car, home, job and have Dave alive with me, I would. However, not only did I lose Dave, I have lost the life that I was sharing with him; our dreams, our home, horses, the friends and family in the US who are no longer within visiting range.  Instead of their words of encouragement, I sometimes wish that people would give me permission to hurt, instead of filling the air with reminders of what I have, acknowledge what I have lost because if they knew me, they would know that I do count my blessings.  I just want to be able to hurt and cry without being told to look on the bright side of life.  I want to be able to say "I am having a bad day" without people rushing to tell me, "It's not all bad - look at the good."  I want to be able to be weak and curl up without being told to get up, move forward and be strong. 

The other day a good friend of mine asked me why people can be so insensitive and I asked her, "How many of our friends, do you know, have been through what I have been through?  How many have moved to another country to be with their beloved husband, only to become a widow a short time later?  How many friends do we have who had to move back to Australia and start all over again?"  People want to make it better and fix it but they don't know because they've never been through it and sometimes, because they think they have the answers or even think they know what's best for me, they spout forth words that they think are encouraging from their perspective and do not know that their words sometimes just fan the flames of pain and loss.

I have bad days and I have moments when the pain is too great for me to bear and I ask God to take it away from me.  I look around and see all the blessings in my life and am thankful but I know that it came at a far greater cost than just financial.  I move forward but not at an eager, quick stride, it is more like plodding, grasping at straws and all the while hoping that one day, this too shall pass. 

But I am moving forward at the pace that suits me.  Last Tuesday, Nathan and I took off to The Grampians so that I could introduce him to a place my family often went camping at, when we were young.  What I remember most about the Grampians, as we hiked up the mountain, was asking, "How much further?" and Dad responding with, "You can do it.  Not much further to go now."  But it was a long way uphill.  We booked into a motel that had a swimming pool and that night, after we had something to eat, we went and played in the pool for a bit.  I taught Nathan to do a handstand and a forward flip which was fun.  I swam some laps and once again, reminded myself I need to go swimming more often.  (Just not at that fitness centre mentioned in an earlier blog post.)

The next morning we went to the information centre and asked about the walks.  The main one I wanted to do was the climb to The Pinnacle.  This is what the brochure said:

.... a strenuous walk to a famous peak.
Distance: 5.5km return  Time: 2-2 1/2 hours.
Elevation Change: 280 metres  Grade: medium - hard
Cross the footbridge into the spectacular Grand Canyon.  At the top of the steps, turn left and follow the signs up the rock platforms.  The steady ascent winds through rocky woodland, past Bridal Veil Falls, through Silent Street and on to the awe inspiring Pinnacle Lookout.

As the lady told us about the variety of walks, Nathan asked if there were any short, intense walks and I raised my eyebrows and looked at him, telling him that I'm sure this walk will be intense enough.  Later he defined 'intense' as being fun and with rock climbing, not just dirt tracks. He was not disappointed by the 'strenuous walk to a famous peak'.  He thought it was fun and went way above his expectations. As we walked up the mountain, it was hot and we stopped often to take photos, drink from our water bottles and to rest.  I rested and Nathan waited for me.

We chatted to other climbers going up and others coming down.  We rested often.  One young couple we met were from New York and the girl was here to do a post graduate, exchange study program.  They told us about the issues they were facing here, phone problems, banking, finding a place to stay short term and we gave them some advice about what to do.  Before we parted ways, I gave them my phone number and said that if they found themselves in urgent need of a place to stay, or need help, call me.  The guy was all 'cool' about it but there was relief in the young girl's face as she thanked me profusely.   

We continued on our way and yes, It was a strenuous hike, more hard than medium-hard, but the view at the top was awe inspiring.  As Nathan took photos, he turned to me and said, "Photos really don't capture the reality and beauty."  There was a cool breeze at the top and it was wonderful to just sit and relax, breathe in the fresh air and the sense of achievement of having made it, was good too. 

On the way back down the mountain, my right knee really hurt!!  The first time I had experienced this pain was a couple years ago when Dianne and I had gone riding to Nick and Jennifer's which was 7 miles one way.  On the way back, I could barely move my leg and to make Dee get moving faster, Dianne had to get Stormy into a gallop so that Dee would follow her.  The pain on the way down was more intense than that time.  I could barely walk down the steps and at some rocks, I sat down and moved down rather than just step down.  Nathan invited me to lean on him and when I said "No" he thought it was my pride keeping me from doing it.  It was more that I don't know how to lean on someone for help.  Most of the way, I hobbled down but we made it.

After not being able to sleep much, the leg is still sore today but now the stiffness and ache of all my body, due to an ageing and unfit body, has added to the pain.  Still, it was worth it, for the time I got to spend with Nathan and make memories with him and the wonderful experience it really was, to climb to The Pinnacle.

Step By Faltering Step

The smell of 'Intimately' permeates the house after I accidently smashed the jar of perfume on the bathroom floor, yesterday.  The bandaid on the small scratch has since fallen off and then later on that day, I burnt my arm on a hot saucepan.  I had a quiet, wistful day, thinking about things, crying a little, understanding what intense loneliness really is.  I decided last night that I would make an effort to formally change my last name to "Flowers" so that my driver's licence and passport would read correctly.  My bank account, teacher registration, superannuation, ATO (tax office) and other official organisations recognise an international marraige certificate so have my last name changed but the last two required a visit to the city to the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages.  Before I went to bed, I looked up the address, train timetable and google map so I would know where to walk from the station to the office and then prepared to get up relatively early.

Knowing I have to get up early does not mean that my body will sleep any better.  It hurts to be alone without Dave and my heart aches with missing him so much and sometimes I just want to give up.  It's hard to want to keep on going forward and I often wonder at the futility of it.  I stress about little things even before they become big things and I cry when I'm alone.  It cost me a lot to marry Dave (not just financially) and I hate having to borrow money from friends before I am  even earning a regular wage.  I hate having to consider and justify every purchase and as the dollars dwindle away, I check the bank account balance as often as a dieter checks the bathroom scales. 

After a good breakfast this morning, I set off on my 12 minute walk to the station and as I sat on the platform waiting for the train, observed the people around me.  One mother came to where her two sons and husband were waiting and she handed her tickets to her husband who then handed them out to the children.  She told her husband to get the tickets back but he said "It'll be alright, love."  The train was crowded so they were separated in their seating but managed to get off together at the right stop.  After I got off the train, I followed the wave of people walking towards the exit and looked for the right signs to guide me.  The walk was easy and I arrived at my destination by 10:00am. 

I expected the place to be similar to when Dave and I had to apply for my social security card so I took my ticket number and filled out the form to change my last name.  I sat down and five minutes later (as opposed to 50 minutes later in the US) I was called up to the counter by Paul, who went through my application thoroughly, speaking words of encouragement as he did.  He took all of my documentation and photocopied it, took my money, which was way too much if you ask me, (but it's the fee) and sent me to a bank as I needed something with my name and address on it.  I walked to the bank and got wolf whistled along the way but I didn't turn around because I wanted to get this over and done with.  At the bank, I paid another fee to receive the stamped paperwork, went back to Paul who took it and told me not to stress, it's all there and I'll receive the name change certificate within 10-20 days from now.  It's a relief to have it all done and sorted out.

On the way back to the station, I headed into a "Krispy Kreme Donuts" store and bought a strawberry dream and a diet coke.  Wouldn't it be wonderful if life was a strawberry dream and if all things ended up happily ever after??!!  I sat and read the paper while I drank my diet coke and ate the donut then went and found information to find out what platform I needed to be on.  Finding out I had another 50 minutes before the train departed, I went for a walk and bought a pair of lovely sandals that were on sale.  They will be perfect for school, especially as I will be walking to school regularly. 

The train was half an hour late and we were told to change platforms so we all rushed in one strong, big wave in the same direction.  I saw a young girl struggling with a suitcase on wheels, a backpack and two other smaller bags on her own and offered to help her.  She looked hesitant at first, looked ahead and then her backpack slipped off so I gently prised it from her and walked alongside her to where the rest of her group were standing.  As the train arrived, we all boarded and the girl's mother and her friend (with 5 young children between them) started demanding loudly for people to move out of their seats.  "We've booked these seats and paid for them.  They're ours!"  They were so loud and rude.  As they sat down not far from me, I caught the eye of a tanned girl in the seat across from me and we shared our opinion of them with the raising of eyebrows, the shake of our heads and she even curled her lip.  I don't understand why parents choose to be rude and obnoxious in front of their children when it doesn't take much effort to be courteous.  As for seat allocation, not all tickets have a seat allocation, so get over it.

I walked home in the searing heat and the first thing I did when I got in the door, was turn the air conditioner on.  I had received a package and opened it eagerly as it was a mug with a photo of Dave and I, that I had bought and paid for before Christmas and I showed it to Mom and Dad as I spoke with them on Skype.  Mom recounted stories about Dave that I hadn't heard before and while I liked hearing them, it's a reminder that there was so much about him that I really didn't know.  It wasn't their intention but once again, I had that feeling of not belonging to Dave, not belonging in his life, not being part of many of his memories.  We had only spent just over a year together but he'd had a long and eventful life.  As the afternoon wore on, I wondered where I did belong, even now. I wondered if it had been worth the cost of all I had given to him even though I know, if given the choice, I'd do it again. 

It hurts to be starting all over again and to be starting from scratch at this age and stage of my life.   Even this morning as I left for the city, I was aware that nobody knew where I was going and nobody would know if I didn't come home. It hurts not having some stability in my life and as I dried my tears and sat down to eat a boysonberry ripple drumstick, the phone rang.  I picked it up and on the other end was my good friend Sharyn who I had finally found after 'years' of not having heard anything and I had emailed her yesterday.  She laughed and kept saying that when she read my email, she was so surprised and said, "I've found her again!" and she had to call me.  We spoke for some time, maybe an hour but it went by quickly.  She was there for me 15 years ago when I was really struggling and tonight, I didn't have to say much because she already knew.  As we said goodbye I told her that God knew I needed to hear from her today.  God orchestrated it so that I knew He loved me enough to send along the right person at the right time for me.

As much as it hurts, God loves me through all this pain and He knows how to get me through it so that I don't fall into a useless mess.  He picks me up with His strong arms around me and  holds me up.  He fans the smouldering ashes of hope back into a tiny flame so that I can take those steps forward again.  I am so glad that He loves me more than I can fathom!

And yes, I am aware that next week, when I start work, things will be different again and there will be some stability in my life.  I am aware that my life and circumstances will improve and I will move forward but it's still less than six months since my husband passed away and still only three and half months since my circumstances changed and I came back to Australia.  I am grieving and it still hurts but I am moving forward and I am thankful for the blessings in my life, too.   Tomorrow, I am going away for a couple days with my son Nathan and I am looking forward to a good time with him!

Today Affects Tomorrow

Life certainly has some winding, hilly, curves, valleys and mountaintops and in a way, it's like one very long rollercoaster ride.  You make it up one hill and sometimes as  you plunge down the mountain, it's more scary than exhilarating and you hold on wondering if you'll be able to stay on the track.  When I look back over my  life, that's how it feels although in the last five and a half months, I haven't hit any mountain tops but some days haven't been too bad and sometimes I've even started to feel a small glimmer of hope curtained by a veil of sadness.

And something else which is also normal in the journey of grief and that is anger.  I decided to have a few friends over on Saturday for afternoon tea and to entertain them, I knew I had to buy some pretty plates and things.  I know I don't have much even when my stuff from the US comes and that's where some of the anger began.  I thought about how I sold and mostly gave away everything I had here to begin a new life with Dave.  I had started to 'rebuild' our things when I was there, but since I didn't have a job and we had lots of bills to pay, there were a lot of pretty things, aka the 'feminine touch' that I couldn't yet afford.  Dave and I both had plans to make our house more of a home and to rebuild it and he wanted me to do what I could to make it ours.  We were planning to buy new curtains and every now and again, I would buy a pretty plate or tablecloth for when guests came.  Our time was too short.  To be honest, sometimes I am a little mad at Dave for not being quick to establish us and our home together as a couple and sometimes I am just mad at the circumstances that robbed us of our future.  There are other reasons but this is as much as I need to say.

Today I had friends visit me who I had not seen in 20 years.  Before the friends came, I predicted who would be first to arrive and I also imagined some of what might be said and I shared my predictions with Nathan.  I was right about who would be first and I was also right  when I predicted who would say, "You haven't changed in 20 years.  You still look exactly the same!  Seriously, we all look 20 years older but not you!" and his wife kindly added, "You don't even have any wrinkles".  I did confess to having had my grey coloured dyed out yesterday.  It was more than just that compliment.  The friends who came today have been my friends for years and as one said, "It's still you.  You haven't changed who you are."  There was a lot of affirmation about who I am as a person and who I am as a teacher.

Later on, I was talking to two women friends, one who was a role model for me about 25 years ago, and  the other was a lady I worked with and played squash with.  While we were in the backyard, we were catching up and I was sharing a lot of my journey as they listened attentively.  Later on, I commented to them on how I sold/gave away so much to go to the States and they both smiled and responded, "Why does that not surprise me?  You have always been  generous like that."  It was nice to bathe in their healing and kind words. 

Sometimes, in our hurt and pain, in the smog of living in this world, we forget how much our lives affect others around us.  I forget how much I am valued for who I am.  I know that I am loved but I forget that others see things in me and about me that they value in their friendship with me. 

I am beginning to understand better what Dave meant when he told his brother that he was terrified of how much he loved me because he didn't know what he had to offer me.  He didn't know why I loved him so much.  When I think about who Dave was as a man, as a husband to me, as a father to his children and as a truck driver, a friend, a brother and a son, the words that come to mind, are that of a man striving to love and serve God, to stand with integrity and who was more loyal and generous than he realised.   There were times he didn't get it right and I'm sure if he was alive, he would say there were times I didn't get it right, but through it all, he had a perserverance and a desire to do what is right.

As I was meeting with those friends today, it seems that the pieces all fall into place.  Andy Andrews, a speaker at the Women of Faith Conference in Spokane last September has written a book called, "The Boy Who Changed the World" and it's based on a true story and written to remind children that everything we do matters. Every decision and choice that we make, no matter what age we are, makes a difference in others' lives.  Today as I looked around the living room and saw my friend Carolyn who I've been friends with for about 40 years, another friend Carolyn - friends for 30 years, another friend who I don't even remember meeting because our families have always known each other, other friends I knew from years ago and another friend I've only known for a couple months, but all of them today, were in the same place after all these years.  It's remarkable how God brings some people back into our lives and it was lovely when one of my friends said to me, "I am so glad you are back here."

When Dave and I first met in 1999, we didn't know that the friendship we began, would lead to where it did, and there was no way I could have ever planned to be where I am now.  It goes to show that the choices we make, the way we treat others around us, will make a difference years down the track.  The Bible story that comes to mind, is that of when the woman was accused of sin and her accusers had stones in their hand ready to mete out punishment until Jesus said, "Let him who is without sin, cast the first stone".  We've all been given grace and been loved and commanded to love others.  I guess we need to treat others kindly and lovingly today because you might end up living next door to them, tomorrow.

Before The World Ends

After a restless night with little sleeping, I woke up and soon after discovered that the world is coming to an end and I had been completely oblivious to it.  First off, the next-door neighbour was mowing his lawn.  The mower kept cutting out and I wondered why he didn't figure out that he should use a slasher first.  Yes, the grass was long and perhaps his children saw a snake slithering through it, which caused his change of behaviour.  Next, I logged on to facebook and had three facebook friend requests, one of which was from my brother-in-law Dan.  I had to read the profile, check out his friend's list to make sure it really was him.  What is the world coming to??!!  That is when I really had to sit back and take stock of what I needed to do today before the world ended, despite the beckoning of Facebook and a good book.

I was going to eat lunch before I went shopping but I knew if I procrastinated any longer, I'd never get there. I bought myself some home-made dimsims and a sesame prawn toast when I got to the shopping centre and found a place to sit in a crowded food court.  A man came and put his bottles of diet coke down on the table, as well as a paper bag of food after he asked me if it was OK.  He spoke quietly but from what I could understand, a woman was doing the natural thing of breastfeeding (his words) and he chose to find somewhere else to sit while waiting for his wife to join him.  He kept talking to me but his voice was so quiet, I had to watch his face for cues on how to respond, whether to nod my head, or look sympathetic or smile and I have no idea what he said to me.

I bought baking pans because I don't think I have any in my things coming back from the US and I really want a chance to use my new pink Kenwood patissiere.  I also bought a garden hose and when I attached it to the outside tap, found out why it was so cheap. One of the last shopping trips Dave and I made together, was for a garden hose.  We were very particular about the cost and length of the hose and chose one on sale.  We had to choose a hose that would be easy enough to maneuver in the snow, when I had to get water to the horses and hardy enough to last through all seasons. I didn't put so much thought and care into buying this hose.

I vacuumed my car and then washed it.  As I filled the bucket with water from the laundry tap, a spider dropped into the water.  I hope it drowned before I tipped it out and that it wasn't going to crawl up into my rubber gloves that were lying in the sink.  When I was washing my car, I noticed the cobwebs around the front light and I imagined spiders crawling into the car vents and then spraying out when the air conditioner is turned on.  The car looks good when it is clean but the mosquito bites I got while outside are not good.  I am thankful for Stingose and have it applied it liberally!

Peter, the principal at the school where I'll be teaching, came around and made sure the BBQ was working and gave me instructions on how and when to clean it but it wasn't as bad as I thought, once it had heated up.  I had already scrubbed it twice before today.  He then came inside and removed my SD card from the laptop.  Unfortunately the SD card is ruined.  I have all the photos saved to the laptop but the photos I kept on that SD card were of 2011 and included wonderful photos of Dave and I on July 4th, at the rodeo, Nathan's visit, my farewell and birthday party and recent photos of the beach and friends here.  I keep them on the SD card so that if I ever want them enlarged, they are still the original pixel size.  I am a bit hesitant to put an SD card back into my laptop but after I buy a new one tomorrow, I will have to take the risk again.

Well, the world hasn't come to an end today but some firsts did occur and I am really feeling like I am beginning to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward.  I am rediscovering and reinventing who I am, what I like and what I want to aim for in life.  Speaking of which, I would love to own a couple of acres of my own one day, and have my own horse to ride.  As I move forward, my life will unfold in a different way to what I was planning with Dave a year ago but those plans are lost to me now and can't be retrieved.  Dave is a part of me and a lot of my confidence, plans and hopes, are because of who he was to me and who I grew to be, with him by my side.

Tonight, I will watch a little TV or if it gets too boring, I will continue reading my book.  I might even start baking tonight, although that will probably happen tomorrow.  I thought I'd include another photo that my sister-in-law took  on our wedding day, that was on the DVD she sent.  This is a photo of me and Dan's wife.  Dan and Rhonda, well actually all my family, have been amazing in their support of me.  I am very blessed to be as loved as I am.

Living in the Suburbs in 2012

I was talking to a good friend this afternoon and she commented that I'd been a bit slack on writing a post here at The Garden Trail so in honour of our friendship, which is almost 10 years strong, I will simply update you with where things are at.  The next door neighbours just got home and their boy is crying and the mother is yelling.  It always disappoints me that they yell at their children but their dog barks almost incessantly all day, every day and I never hear them yell at their yappy little dog.  The dog barks at the moon, the stars, the dark and probably at nothing since he (or she) is always barking.  It's really annoying when I am trying to sleep at night, as you can imagine. 

I am not good at living in the suburbs.  The houses are much too close and I can even hear the neighbour talking on the phone in the house on the other side of mine.  Cars drive past with their loud exhausts, trains blow their peculiar whistles day and night and aeroplanes fly overhead and there is no silence.  Even now, the hum of my laptop, the occasional beeping of a text message to my phone, reminds me that I live in a society run by power, rush and noise!  But I am glad for the modern conveniences, especially my new pink Kenwood Patissiere.  One of my friend's asked me "Do you even cook???!!!"  The problem with cooking is I eat the cakes and biscuits (cookies) if they are there and that does not help if I am trying to keep healthy and fit.  (The Kenwood is a brand of mixer, similar to a Kitchen Aid mixer.) I am also thankful for my laptop although I can't get my SD card out of the slot which I really need to figure out. 

I finally sorted out my phone drama.  After four phone calls last Thursday, being told to wait until Friday afternoon and finding out Friday it still wasn't working, I decided to let the weekend slip by without dealing further with it.  On Monday morning, I called the phone company again and within 5 minutes, Tim had solved the problem for me and I don't have to pay the other phone company's bill.  However, today I went to call interstate and found out that the other phone company had barred me from making any phone calls so my phone company called them and had it removed.  No one knows why I had been barred but at least it's sorted.  I still have to tackle the AT&T bill in the US but that's another story in itself and doesn't bear repeating here.

I called about my crate of stuff from the US and the good news is, it has cleared customs.  However, they still need to unpack the ship, sort out where it all goes, put it on rail and have it shipped to Melbourne, find a truck driver, who will then call me and arrange a delivery date and they will bring it to my home.  The shipping company could not give me any time frame at all and suggested I call again next week.  I asked, "Two weeks? A month?"  but no, they have no idea.  At least it's cleared quarantine.

I had some friends visit yesterday and I took them to the school for a tour which was good.  I really believe that I am going to have a good year teaching there.  The staff seem very friendly, I have my favourite class level and it will be good to focus on my class and teach without the added pressure of being a principal and/or having to encourage more school enrolments.  My class size of 23 sounds wonderful, even if it is mostly boys in my class.  I've been collecting resources together, making up class lists and today I went and had a diet coke and a melting moment (cookie) with another teacher from the school who gave me some more insights into the morale of the school and "What every classroom teacher should know".

I'd like to add something about Dave in this post, to remind you that he is always on my mind but he doesn't seem to fit in to the above paragraphs.  I did receive a cd of photos of our wedding from our sister-in-law and also one of his memorial service and the photos of the wedding looked wonderful.  I have not wanted to view the other cds yet.  It was such a lovely day when we got married and I wish there had been more lovely  days together. 

Like A Tree

When I came back to Australia, I packed only two suitcases as the rest of my things had left in a crate, on a ship, to arrive up to 70 days after September.  The luggage requirements for international flights had changed which meant I had to pay to take the 2nd suitcase, over so I packed accordingly for what I assumed I'd need for the next three months which included Fall in the US and summer in Australia, hopefully job interviews and then just every day living.  This morning as I opened the wardrobe and tried to figure out what to wear to church, the thought struck me that I am going to work in two weeks time.  I have two weeks of hanging around the home and then I am back to work and will need to wear appropriate clothing for work, not for gardening, shopping and washing the car.  If my things don't arrive from the US before I begin work, I will have a problem. 

I do not know when my things from the US will arrive.  It's been six weeks since they landed on Australian soil and it was only meant to take two weeks after that, but due to public holidays, there is a big backlog of stuff to get through quarantine, including my things.  I can not afford to, nor do I want to, go out and buy more clothes.  I also want my other personal things to arrive so that I can 'finally' settle in here.  I am doing what I can to settle in but having my outdoor bench, the waffle maker Dave gave me for our first anniversary, the teddy bear he bought me for Valentine's Day, my books and even the small bookshelf, would be so nice to have.  I do need to buy a bookshelf though!

Most people consider me an extrovert and they seem to think I have a natural talent for introducing and meeting new people.  When I did a personality test years ago, it was discovered (accurately) that I am 'ambidextrous' when it comes to being an extrovert or introvert.  In other words, although I can get out and meet other people and enjoy it, I am also able to enjoy my own company and I'm quite content without having people in my face throughout the day.  The last five and half months have been.... overwhelming.  Losing my husband was the worst most possible thing that could happen but then having to go on without him, was a challenge in itself.  Leaving our home, leaving the country that I was beginning to call 'mine' to the extent of learning the national anthem by heart, leaving my family and friends there, all the people and things that I had adopted and made mine, was another challenge.

It hasn't been easy and with all the other little dramas that happen, including not having my things from my home in the States, adds to the stress and challenge of daily life.  No matter how many times I say it's hard and try to express how hard it is, people nod and say, "I know" and I feel like I'm hitting my head up against a brick wall because then they add, "Well you need to get out and be a blessing to others", "You will be fine once you start your job and have that to occupy you", "You should be attending a church by now" and I wonder, if it was the other way round, would they be so quick to say, "Get out and get on with your life."  If they had to walk into a church, on their own, without knowing anyone, having just lost their spouse, left their country, moved to a new area and starting a new job, would they be there 'tomorrow'?  But because I am an extrovert and friendly, sometimes the assumption is that I can do those things as naturally as breathing.

Today when I walked into the church and looked around, I looked through Dave's eyes.  I imagined what he'd be whispering to me (sometimes not quietly enough) and I thought about what he would think of the worship time and the sermon but I am not Dave.  When we sang those songs, I thought about the words and what it means to me to worship and love God during this season of my life.  I had to stop thinking about the words because it was causing me to tear up and I did not want to cry.  I did not want to think about Dave not being with me because I did not want to cry.   Crying leads to all sorts of questions and this was my first visit and I did not want to go into the story of why I was here, in this town and where had I been before.

After the service, a staff member from school came to me and chatted which was nice.  I  know I will get on well at the school and will make lots of friends.  I know I make lots of friends wherever I go, that is not the point.  I am so glad she and another lady made me feel welcomed.  I know better than to 'judge' a church based on my first visit, especially when it's still school holidays and the pastor is away, so I will go back another Sunday.

When I got home, I talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype a bit and told them how I felt about going to church without Dave being with me.  The thing is, I just want something easy and straightforward in my life.  I just want something constant and to be able to put down roots.  I was reading a Christian fiction story last night and could identify when the main character said, "I always thought my life would go one way, and I don't know anything other than that.  I don't know what to dream in its place." 

A friend told me recently, in the 10+ years she'd known me, I'd had to reinvent myself quite a few times.  I am tired of beginning over again and reinventing myself.  I thought, with Dave, we had a long future in front of us and that I could put down roots with him so I started doing that.  Now I am uprooted again and I don't know what to dream in the place of what I shared with him.  My job is just for the year and I don't have the emotional strength to consider what comes after that and it's too soon for me to want to put roots down and I'm too skeptical to believe that I can put roots down and dream again. 

The analogy of a tree, rooted into the deep earth, growing up strong doesn't seem to apply to me.  Although, I guess, if the deep earth is my faith, then it makes sense.  But in life, I feel like I am a weak sapling, being beaten about by the storms of life and being caught up in the wind and swept along with no place to really stop and just enjoy being here.

I didn't mean for this blog post to be depressing.  I am moving forward with life and I do count my blessings and realise that God has a purpose for my life.  What it all comes down to is, I miss Dave  and it hurts like crazy to get on with my life without him.  But I have to.

Quietly Missing Dave

Sometimes in the neighbourhood, there is a howling of dogs and it reminds me of the coyotes back home.  Dave used to go out and light a firecracker even if it was two in the morning and the coyotes would run cowardly away for the rest of the evening.  I much prefer to be out in the country away from the clatter, crowds and cacophony of suburbia.  I used to love watching the sun rise through the bedroom window and hear the horses galloping and neighing around the pasture, as morning began.

I'm not sure anyone would notice if I lit a firecracker here as they'd probably put it down to a car backfiring or a gun shot somewhere.  The dog next door barks constantly and right now I can hear the sounds of children playing "Cowboys and Indians" while a car drives past with his stereo blaring.  The neighbour has finished lawn mowing and it seems like a typical Saturday in the suburbs.  Unfortunately, I can't say typical "summer's" day because the sky is overcast and it's quite cool outside.   I even brought my washing in before the towels were dry, in case it rained.

Nathan has gone after being here for a few days.  I enjoy him staying here and he doesn't realise how much his presence encourages me to get up in the morning and get through the day.  We watched a few good movies together including, "The King's Speech" and "Mr and Mrs Smith" which is one of my favourites.  Last time I watched Mr and Mrs Smith was at home with Dave beside me.  We both enjoyed it but now I think I enjoyed it more because he was beside me, as usual with his arm around me, sitting on our recliner together.  Once Nathan had gone, I got to cleaning and tidying up, mopping floors, vacuuming, washing and all the other chores that can wait when a loved one is spending time with you.

There's a lot of things for me to think about.  Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach and it feels all twisted and knotted and I wonder what it is bothering me.  It doesn't take long to recall the long list.  The thing is, I can be enjoying a quiet afternoon like now, and yet I just want to sit beside Dave.  I miss him and it's not always a heart-wrenching, tear-filled, curl up and sob type "miss him".  Right now, I'm looking forward to reading quietly for a bit, watching a movie or some TV before I go to bed.  I might even see if "Keeping Up Appearances" is on as that was a normal Saturday night show Dave and I enjoyed together before we went to bed.  However, I am aware that Dave is not home with me  and even though I am not crying, I am missing him.  I know he's a part of me but I want to have him physically beside me so I can talk to him, listen to him and just know he is there. 

I know it's not going to happen and the neighbour is out mowing his lawn again, the dogs are barking and it didn't end up raining despite the grey clouds threatening.  I miss Dave with every fibre of my being and every breath I take.  I love him so much!

What do Horseriding, Grief and Rivers Have In Common?

Grieving is like riding a horse.  You can be out riding in the wheat fields with the wind blowing through your hair, the sun shining on your face and as the horse gallops, you're thinking you're going to make it when your horse decides that she doesn't want to go your way anymore.  She turns to the left, you turn her to the right. She wants to walk, you want to trot. You hear a truck coming behind you so pull her off to the side of the road to avoid trouble and she decides that she doesn't want to go to the edge of the road where she's been pulling you for the last few moments.

I thought I had the grief journey figured out.  I understood and was thankful that Dave was a part of me and I was satisfied that no one/nothing could steal the memories that we shared in our love for each other.  I was hopeful and got to working on preparing for my year ahead teaching.  Nathan is here for a few days so I took him on a tour of the school and my classroom.  Before I went to bed last night, I laminated name cards and the desk/name cards and sorted through some of the children's books I had received when my good friend Carolyne was here.

On my way to bed, I turned out the lights in the loungeroom and I hadn't realised that all the other lights were off in the house so as I walked into the kitchen, I bumped into the corner of the brick wall.  Undettered, I walked to the bathroom, turned on the light, brushed my teeth and went and looked at the spot marked "bump" over my eyebrow and it was a little bruised and stung a little to my touch but I decided I would live despite that.

In the morning I was woken up by the garbage truck going past and realised that I hadn't put the bin out last night.  I had had weird dreams and I sensed this wasn't going to be one of my better days.  The postal lady came with a box from Koorong (Christian bookstore) that was filled with goodies for my classroom reward box and a couple of books and while I was outside, I checked the mailbox.  Inside was a bill from a phone company that I was not affiliated with.

The box was left unopened while I dealt with the phone company who explained that the phone company I deal with are affiliated with them and that my phone company hadn't set me up right so I still had to pay for the international calls, a mobile call and an interstate call which were not even at the rates my phone company had quoted me on.  I called my phone company and they explained that it was their error but unfortunately I would still have to pay the bill and they rectified the problem.... they said.  I tried to call Mom Flowers and a recorded message told me they could not connect me.  I called them back and again told them that had they informed me that I was going to be using the other phone company to begin with, I would have waited. Again, they apologised and said that I would still have to pay the bill and they've now fixed the problem, so try again in half an hour or so.

Nathan and I went for a walk to the store because I needed the staples in life: bread, milk and diet coke.  I found some more goodies for my classroom and home, including a top hat to put the children's names in for when I am selecting partners or need to be objective about whose turn it is.  I do enjoy preparing and getting organised for my class and my spare room/office, is starting to fill with my classroom treasures and resources.  As we walked and talked, the things started tugging at my heart, overwhelming me again and I burst into tears.  "It's not fair!" I cried and Nathan agreed and suggested that I show him around the school this afternoon to cheer myself up again.  That's not going to work.  I don't even want to become one of those single women who pour themselves into their work because they don't have a life. 

I have a life and at the moment, it's not what I had planned.  I miss Dave and still feel ripped off that I am not living my life with him, in our home.  Having to budget my money so that I have enough to live on until my first pay day, having to deal with 'new' phone companies, unexpected bills, buying stuff that I had in my home with Dave, is emotionally draining and simply, not fair!  

An hour or 2 later, I tried calling Mom Flowers again and got the same automated message so I called my phone company again and again they reassured me that it is as they say but that they'd miscommunicated how long it would take to rectify the problem and I can try again tomorrow after lunch.  It's ridiculous!  My life is ridiculous.  I just want something to work immediately without any hitches and I want to move forward without all the other dramas to go with it.  I want my grief and my life to move forward like a river, flowing naturally, over the rocks and around the bends, effortlessly.

It all comes down to I miss Dave more than I can say and loved him more than I imagined.  Living life without him is not what I planned nor what I really want to do.  I know that I have to, but I don't like it!  

"What Is There To Think About, Carolanne?"

My friend Carolyne turned up yesterday and we decided to walk to the local pizza shop to get something to eat.  We walked there and of course, the pizza shop is closed on Mondays so we went to the supermarket and bought a pizza and a Vienetta for dessert.  From the moment she arrived, we had things to share, talk about and laugh about.  Carolyne is one of those friends who is no stress, makes herself at home and is simply unpretentious.  She lives on a farm and her husband was off on a road trip to pick up some farm equipment with their oldest son and her 2 younger children were away at camp so this was the best time for her to come.  Her younger son, aged 11 was a bit dismayed that she would come visit me without taking him too so she promised her 2 younger children that they could come next time.. and she promised her daughter that she would take a photo of us and all was well.

Carolyne homeschools her three children and is my drinking buddy from when we met a few years ago.  As we surfed teacher resource websites last night, we drank diet coke and ate chocolate.  I showed her some of the books I've bought since I've been back and shared with her some of the things I will be doing/using in my classroom this year.  She gave me back 50 of my books that I'd given her before I went to the States, including one of my favourites, "Ella Minnow Pea".  We finally went to bed in the wee hours of the morning and got up less than 8 hours later. 

After breakfast, it was time to walk to the school and the principal had time to take us on a tour.  He took us to rooms that I hadn't visited before as well as my new classroom and it was good to get the enthusiasm for teaching this year, building up some more.  I took photos of my classroom just to remind me of what's there and the lay out so I can start envisioning how I will set up my 3/4 grade.  Peter asked me if I was taking 'before photos'.  The ideas are still running around after each other in my head, this way, that way, and turning like a mouse on one of those treadmill-wheels.  It is a positive thing.

On the way back, as we passed the fitness centre, I decided to drop in and ask about the swimming pool and zumba classes.  I thought I'd just have to walk  up to the desk, ask the questions and come away informed.  I was wrong.  While Carolyne sat in the foyer, I signed a form and went and sat at a table with 2 chairs, waiting for someone to come and consult with me.  The young man asked me questions and took me on a tour, showing me the zumba room and the swimming pool, asking me what I hoped to achieve by swimming there etc etc.  We sat down again and he took out the price list while I politely stifled my horror at the price for just wanting to swim there on the way home from work.  He wanted me to sign on the dotted line right there and then and I said I'd need to think about it.  His patronising response was, "What is there to think about, Carolanne?

He's lucky that I am so demure and gently responded with, "I need to decide if I am willing to be that committed."  He then wanted to sign me up with a 'wait for 7 days' deal and I reminded him that I had only come in to look around and had no intention of signing up today.  As I walked home with Carolyne, my mind kept coming back to that stupid question, "What is there to think about, Carolanne?"

If only you knew!

We hopped in the car and went to the main stretch of shops and I stopped in at the cash converter place to tell them that the former resident had left  (skipped) town and won't be coming back in to pay her loan.  He apologised for the inconvenience of me receiving her mail and fixed it up on the computer.  I don't know how many bills I have 'returned to sender' and also had a debt collections letter asking me for information about her.

We went to an Op shop, a 2nd hand store, a discounted furniture store and Retravision.  At the op shop I bought some cool things for my classroom.  I bought a bar stool, swivel chair (see pic) that will be good for 'teacher only'.  It's quite comfortable and I'll be able to sit up in my chair and read to them for hours and since Carolyne had trouble getting into it because she's shorter than me, so my grade 3/4's should be a little deterred about climbing up into it, but then again, boys of that age... ok, well it was a nice thought. 

I also picked up a few educational games that I can put in the cupboard for students who finish early, have free time or when it's a wet day.  The blue spider/soft toy thing is  an impulse buy that Carolyne and I thought the boys would like and we could keep it on the end of the sofa that I will put in the reading corner.  Later, I picked out the bookshelf that I will buy when I am earning some money because, as Carolyne pointed out, I really need a bookshelf.  There was a good 2nd hand one and a beautiful brand new one that I like so hopefully they will still be there in another month or two when I am ready to pay for them.  At Retravision I bought a sat-top box for the TV that I was given, which also included a DVD player.  When Nathan is here tomorrow, I will have him set it all up. 

Just after Carolyne left, I talked with my good friend Gerda and we discussed my day, my blog, my journey of grief.  I admitted to her that I do enjoy moving forward and I am definitely looking forward to the school year, especially as I focus more and more on my new class and I know I will have fun teaching.  I always do.  I am happy with my progress but at the same time, there is always the thought that I wish Dave was here so I could share it with him.  I miss him a lot and I have really come to understand that Dave is a part of me and a part of who I am.  My love for him and our relationship affects who I am and what I do and don't do.  And quite frankly, I am thankful for that.   

Homesick

I am homesick and there's no other way to describe it.  Apart from missing Dave, my family and friends, I miss home. I miss my horses, our dog Riley, even the cold weather.  I woke up wanting to go riding today because it's a nice day although a little windy, so Dee would probably be a bit frisky if she hadn't been ridden in a while.  I know it's not the same weather here, as at home, but I wish I had my own horse to go riding.  When I first wrote back to Australia about owning my horse, a couple of friends commented that they didn't know I liked horses.  I've always loved riding but didn't get much of an opportunity to ride until I married Dave and bought Dee and Stormy to be part of our home.

So today I've been scouring horse sales websites, looking for my next Dee.  I know I will need to be working so that I can afford to buy a horse and I found a place that says they had a black horse for free and with 6 months free agistment.  There must be a catch so I'll have to find out what that is.  Maybe they're not selling the horse, but promoting the free agistment.  Six months free agistment and it's only about 40 minutes (at the most) drive from here.  I will have to ask my brother or a friend to check out the horse for me since Dave isn't going to help me this time.

The book I've been reading "Horses Never Tell Lies About Love" has done nothing to diminish my desire to ride my own horse again.  It's an interesting book and tells stories of the ups and downs of breeding horses and breaking them in.  I often wish Dave had told me more anecdotes of his cowboy days but then we would have needed more time than what we had.  Reading the book has taught me about horses' personalities too and I think given me a little more understanding about  my horse Dee.  I wish I could ride her again and observe her a bit to see if I'm right about her.

When I used to bring Dee up from the back of the pasture, I had to hold her halter so that she could feel my hand against her chin and she was more co operative if I talked gently to her the whole way.  At first I thought she was moody but as time went on, I think she was shy and very patient.   We were definnitely well suited to each other. I know that Nick found her to be bossy and didn't like the way she  loaded onto the trailer when he was taking her to their place, but I think she was more frightened than he gave her credit for.

I received a package in the mail today from my step-daughter Liz and that only increased my homesickness more.  She had a toy horse in it, complete with the white blaze down it's nose and it probably looked a little like Dee.  She also had photos in the package and chocolates from Spokane and the box was a souvenir of Spokane with photos and information.  When the candy is all eaten, I will have to display the box somewhere prominent.

Well there's a lot of pros and cons that I will have to weigh up before I buy my own horse.  The major factor would be the time commitment and how much time I will have, will only be known as the year unfolds.  Obviously until I am earning money, I can't really afford to buy my own horse but it probably wouldn't hurt to make myself known to the farm that offers free agistment and has few horses for sale as well.  I just want to go riding and have my own horse.  I want to settle into my life here and have the things that I enjoyed in the States, as part of my life here, too. 

Thoughts And Teaching

I have never needed caffeine to keep me awake at nights, my thoughts do that for me instead.  They swirl around in my head, racing from one track to another, picking up speed, slowing down and jumping tracks.  Perhaps, instead of a train, my thoughts could be compared to a horse.  I have trained my thoughts to trot, gallop, walk and stop but the thoughts will still test me and have a mind of their own.  They jump over the obstacles, wander down dark trails strewn with twigs and leaves and sometimes they head back to a place I've tried taking them away from. 

Today I have been thinking on my class and making up name labels that I will place where I want them to sit. As I think about what clip art picture to attach to their name, I reread some of the notes I have on individual students and think back to the day I was introduced to my class, trying to figure out what would be appropriate.  One boy had a 'target' picture because he always tries hard, a sweet girl who can be a daydreamer, I gave a picture of flowers and butterflies and to a boy who always finds something to do and is active, I attached a picture of a busy bee.  As I thought about how to group them, I started off alphabetically and then moved them around according to who I felt might work well together and tried to avoid students who might clash.

I will have a class of 23 students, grade 3/4 and the position is only for the year as I replace a teacher on parental leave.  It is possible that they will want to keep me on after the year and also possible that I might find something else I would prefer to do but in the meantime, I will do this job to the best of my ability. 

I have been checking over teacher resources and thinking about how I want to set up my class and even bought some prizes for the box, which will be a reward box.  I will need to figure out how I will set up prizes, points, awards, groups, individuals and so on.  Teaching is something I know and it's good to fall back into the flow of what comes to me as naturally as breathing.  Looking over my class list, my notes on the students and my observations and recollections of that orientation day, it will have it's challenging moments.  I think the first challenge will be to have the class working as a group that cares about each other and will support each other in the learning and growing of each individual.  Having a 'family' class enables the individuals to feel secure and makes the learning environment more healthy and educational.

My students will be avid readers by the end of the year, even if they don't enjoy it yet.  When there is time at the end of the day, their natural inclination will be to pick up their book and read.  They won't be reading at the same level but they will be reading for enjoyment.  If you can't read, you struggle in Maths too, so reading is the priority.  I also ordered one of my favourite kids CDs that went missing somewhere between 2007 and 2012.  It's Colin Buchanan's "I Want My Mummy" and has fun songs on it that kids, especially in grade 3/4, will love!

It's good to remember what it's like to have my own class.  I visited some teacher resource webpages, have calculated and recalculated my expenses until my first pay day and I'm trying to see what I can afford to buy for my classroom and teacher aids, imminently.  I will also visit 2nd hand stores and maybe furniture stores to chat and see what might be thrown my way  if I smile and say the right thing.  Paper, carpet squares, magazine rack, objects that can be used for counting.... I bought a smiley, blue ball the other day which might be used for 'silent ball' or perhaps used when we are talking and listening so that only the person who holds the ball can speak. I have to rebuild all my resources and books/library up again as when I went to the States from Australia, I gave away and/or sold almost everything.  So, just like in the other areas of my life, I am starting from scratch again.

Oh, the joys of having my own class to teach and having a grade 3/4 class is best of all!