As the sun sets, casting a halo of light and pink colours over the gum trees and bottle brushes, the cockatoos squawk and the blackbirds and blue wrens sing their pretty songs. We picked the blackberries and raspberries for a treat later on and then darkness fell gently on the earth, covering it with silence. Sleep will come later for me and even now, I hope it will come quickly and soundly, without the weird dreams I've been having lately that cause me to wake up feeling unrested.
The perfume of lilies permeates the room and a bull bellows at the darkening sky. Last night, I went to bed thinking, "What have I done?!" And what it all comes down to is, I have moved forward because there's no place else to go. I read an Aussie cartoonist's caption today, "Let it go. Let it out. Let it all unravel. Let it free and it can be A path on which to travel." (Leunig 2012)
I visited the school a couple of days ago and looked around it again, took possession of a staff manual and a parents' manual and read through them. I looked at places to rent and found a home that I liked although I do have some misgivings about the next-door neighbours, due to some overheard interactions. It's nice to have it all settled (Well, not sure yet if I have the rental place) and I'm moving forward but it's still not my heart's desire.
I went shopping yesterday afternoon, on my own, and did not enjoy it very much. I was looking for things to add to my home, not 'our' home. I was looking at Christmas gifts and remembered that I would not be buying anything for Dave, nor receiving anything from Dave. It's not even that the gifts are important, it's the realisation that Christmas will be without Dave.
I was talking to my friend Bronwyn today and she told me about a Bible verse from Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." She shared that when a spouse dies after many years, the one left still has the memories and dreams fulfilled but she added, "You weren't married long enough to make those memories, just the possibility of dreams to be fulfilled. What you have now is not what you wanted, not what you planned." Exactly!
It's report writing time and I remembered that when I had finished teaching, I told Dave that I am so glad that I won't have to write reports again. Yet, here I am with a job teaching and next year, it will be back to report writing. Yes, teaching is fulfilling in other ways and I am happy to be in the classroom again, but more paperwork, more reports, more assessment tasks......more practice at procrastinating!
Well I have eaten my strawberries, raspberries and blackberries topped with vanilla ice-cream and the hour hands on the clock have moved steadily around. Tomorrow is another day and I don't have any idea what it will hold but I will go to bed shortly and wake up to a new day.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Troubles and Blessings
I didn't toss and turn last night, just laid there thinking about so much and the memories I had, the memories I wanted to make and moving on with life. I finally slept, waking up when the sun had already risen and the day had begun so decided to go for a drive down to the beach. The sky was overcast and I was very tired so I stayed in my car and looked at the water, the sand, the families having fun with their kids, making sand castles together and a few older youths who had braved the water. The view is always the same and yet it's not. A few rain drops fell on to my windscreen but they didn't do anything to get rid of the bug spattered remains on it.
I went and looked in a couple of interesting stores and I read a plaque that said,
"Write your troubles in the sand and
Your blessings in stone".
I thought of buying it but then thought that Karen and I could probably make something like that. She is so creative and artistic. I might have the ideas but she has the ability to turn it into something worthy of keeping.
Write your troubles in the sand.
Last night I was thinking about my 'troubles' and grief and pain. Sometimes I dwell on what could have been or even the times that aren't worth the trouble of remembering. I need to write them in sand so that they can be washed away by the morning sunlight. I went to visit a friend tonight, who, after an accident more than 12 months ago, is remarkably walking when they said she wouldn't be able to, is able to lift a cup of tea and feed herself, when just over 12 months ago, she could not. She got through it all and is still trying to be positive about life. As I drove home, I passed a friend's house and I know there are challenges in her family life. I reflected about how so many of us go through life unaware of the pains, trials and challenges in other's lives. It is true that you can not compare pain but we do.
Last night when I was lying in bed, I was thinking about a blog that a woman keeps after her husband was killed tragically in an accident almost a year ago. She writes so well and all that she says, I can relate to yet, when I write my blog posts, sometimes I feel that I can't convey those thoughts as well as what she does. As she expressed her pain, I wondered if I loved Dave enough. I wanted to call Dan and have him reassure me like he said once before, "You loved David dearly". I was thankful that someone put on my Facebook page, "Don't forget- moving forward isn't leaving Dave behind. You will always take him with you in your heart." I don't need them to tell me that I loved Dave dearly, I know that I did but sometimes, I feel like I am still waiting for him to come home. I still feel like he is just away on a longer trucking trip and it's been much too long and I'm tired of him being away. I know that he won't be coming home, but every day, to get through the day, there's a part of me that is still thinking that this will all be over soon. He is so much a part of my life.
Write your blessings in stone
I am constantly reminded of the blessings I have received and am still given. I hope that those who 'bless' me in so many ways, realise how thankful I am for their love and support. I hope I tell them enough. Catching up with my friends today and others I have caught up with since I've been back in Australia has been special too. We do need to make the most of each day we have, being thankful for the blessings and loving the ones who are in our life. When it all comes down to it, the blessings in our lives are the people who touch our hearts, the ones who walk with us in the journey, who cry when we cry, who share their joy and their pain, whose lives we share together.
So I'll say it again: Thank you for being a blessing in my life. Even by reading this, I know that you are thinking of me, praying for me and loving me. You are a blessing to me, although I may not ever have met you and may not know that who it is reading this, thank you.
The greatest of all these things is love.
I love Dave and he loved me.
I love my family and they love me.
I love my friends and they love me.
I am loved indeed!
And even more, I have a Heavenly Father, who is Love. Completely. His love is higher, wider, deeper, richer, more satisfying than we can ever imagine!
I went and looked in a couple of interesting stores and I read a plaque that said,
"Write your troubles in the sand and
Your blessings in stone".
I thought of buying it but then thought that Karen and I could probably make something like that. She is so creative and artistic. I might have the ideas but she has the ability to turn it into something worthy of keeping.
Last night I was thinking about my 'troubles' and grief and pain. Sometimes I dwell on what could have been or even the times that aren't worth the trouble of remembering. I need to write them in sand so that they can be washed away by the morning sunlight. I went to visit a friend tonight, who, after an accident more than 12 months ago, is remarkably walking when they said she wouldn't be able to, is able to lift a cup of tea and feed herself, when just over 12 months ago, she could not. She got through it all and is still trying to be positive about life. As I drove home, I passed a friend's house and I know there are challenges in her family life. I reflected about how so many of us go through life unaware of the pains, trials and challenges in other's lives. It is true that you can not compare pain but we do.
Write your blessings in stone
I am constantly reminded of the blessings I have received and am still given. I hope that those who 'bless' me in so many ways, realise how thankful I am for their love and support. I hope I tell them enough. Catching up with my friends today and others I have caught up with since I've been back in Australia has been special too. We do need to make the most of each day we have, being thankful for the blessings and loving the ones who are in our life. When it all comes down to it, the blessings in our lives are the people who touch our hearts, the ones who walk with us in the journey, who cry when we cry, who share their joy and their pain, whose lives we share together.
So I'll say it again: Thank you for being a blessing in my life. Even by reading this, I know that you are thinking of me, praying for me and loving me. You are a blessing to me, although I may not ever have met you and may not know that who it is reading this, thank you.
The greatest of all these things is love.
I love my family and they love me.
I love my friends and they love me.
I am loved indeed!
And even more, I have a Heavenly Father, who is Love. Completely. His love is higher, wider, deeper, richer, more satisfying than we can ever imagine!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thanksgiving and Joy
Today I learnt the truth behind the words that 'holidays' are the hardest for when you have lost a loved one. I didn't think that I would feel so sad on Thanksgiving, especially being in Australia so not having it 'in my face' but the thing is, it did hurt. Last Thanksgiving Dave was in California at a truck stop and the Thanksgiving before that was one of the pivotal moments when he started realising that he did want to share his life with me. This Thanksgiving I am back in Australia wishing I could have celebrated at least one Thanksgiving with him, as his wife.
I also thought about how my family and friends in the US would be celebrating Thanksgiving without me. I don't even know what Dianne was doing today for Thanksgiving. She and I had spent the last two Thanksgivings together. I wondered if any of my family missed me not being there with them this Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for, I know. So many people have touched my life and given me so much, including my friends and family here.
Someone said to me recently that I am 'handling the grief' well. Perhaps I am, but every night I cry, every morning I wake up and think of Dave. I feel like I have to be strong and that the only way through this grief is to keep moving forward. It's like a marathon. Each day, I have to find a way to get through it so that I can wake up the next day and go through the motions again. Except that I don't want to go through the motions. I want to live again and celebrate with joy.
Mom Flowers is keen to remind me that my middle name is Joy and we've talked about real joy. Today Karen gave me a special gift, just for no reason than she wanted to bless me. She gave me a little nicknack that has the word JOY with pink flowers painted on it and a little bird at the top of the letters. It is really sweet! It seems like 'joy' will be my key word for 2012.
I'd had enough of just moping about today and needed to get out of the house so I coaxed Mikaela (Karen's daughter) into coming shopping with me at a shopping centre about an hour down the road. Actually, it didn't take any effort at all to coax her, she was more than willing to come shopping with me. We had something to eat when we got there and I bought a set of horse/farm/bush type placemats which I really like! I saw a teapot with books printed on it, a stack of books for a lid and author names on the handle and I was so tempted to buy. Maybe when I get paid for the work I do on December 6th, I will splurge on it. I don't drink tea but I have friends who do and it would look rather good in my kitchen.
As we were coming home tonight, I played my Mandisa CD so that Mikaela could get to hear her music. When this song came on, it reminded me that it's OK for me to cry and it's OK for me not to always be strong.
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you telling me nothing's wrong
It's obvious you're not in a good place
Who's telling you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings get past
The corner of your eye
You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry
I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory, yeah, they're good
But life is hard, and days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things you're feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness
Loneliness and anger, let it out, let it out
You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry, just cry
It doesn't mean you don't trust Him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redeeming everything
You don't need to run
You don't to need to speak
Baby, take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It may be tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight, it's alright
But tonight, it's alright
Just cry, ooh, just cry
Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Thanksgiving 2011
Last night I was lying in bed, thinking of Thanksgiving and thinking about how I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for Dave, who he was, who he is to me and for everything we shared together. I am thankful that he brought me into his life, to his family which became mine, his friends who became my friends and for bringing me into his home. By being his wife, I didn't just 'inherit' his family and friends, I also made friends who I could bring into his life. We enriched each other's life and I am thankful.
I feel like today should be a holiday for me. It's Thanksgiving in the States right now and I'm not there to celebrate it with the people I love and who love me. Last night, we celebrated my new job and we had roast lamb with peas, carrots and roast potatoes. I am thankful for my new job here.
It's hard to be here at this time. It's a time when I am upset that Dave has passed away and that I am here in Australia when I should be home with him. We had so much more living to do, so many more memories to make. He was starting to make plans and looking forward to enjoying life with me beside him and now, all those hopes and dreams will never be realised.
I feel so far away.
I am thankful for my family and friends on the other side of the world. I wish I could be there and I know it's not going to be any 'better/easier' when Christmas gets here either.
I am thankful for Dave. I love Dave. I miss him so much!
I feel like today should be a holiday for me. It's Thanksgiving in the States right now and I'm not there to celebrate it with the people I love and who love me. Last night, we celebrated my new job and we had roast lamb with peas, carrots and roast potatoes. I am thankful for my new job here.
It's hard to be here at this time. It's a time when I am upset that Dave has passed away and that I am here in Australia when I should be home with him. We had so much more living to do, so many more memories to make. He was starting to make plans and looking forward to enjoying life with me beside him and now, all those hopes and dreams will never be realised.
I feel so far away.
I am thankful for my family and friends on the other side of the world. I wish I could be there and I know it's not going to be any 'better/easier' when Christmas gets here either.
I am thankful for Dave. I love Dave. I miss him so much!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Just Dave
Sometimes in the evening,
When all is quiet, the stars are out and I'm alone
Sitting here, thinking of Dave,
Thinking of my day, too.
I reflect on all that's been said and done,
I think about all the hopes and plans
I remember that tomorrow is another day
Without Dave
Tomorrow is another day to get through.
I know that God is here beside me
Holding me close and providing my every need
I am thankful for all the friends and family, too
Who are generous and kind
Who speak words of encouragement.
Encouragement =
But I just want to sit beside Dave on our recliner
I want his arm around me
I want to hear him breathing beside me
I want to feel him near me.
I want to know that when the TV show is over
We'll go upstairs
I'll lie there with his arms around me
And while he sleeps
I'll smile and be glad
That he is there with me
And that he'll be there when I wake up in the morning.
Because, when all is said and done,
Even though I have a job and a reason to live.
I want Dave alive.
I want him here with me.
I just want my Dave, my lover, my best friend.
The man I admire and respect.
My Dave who I can talk to and confide in
Get his advice on
Who hears me and understands me.
Who is terrified of how much he loves me.
Who I love so very, very much.
I want Dave.
Just Dave.
When all is quiet, the stars are out and I'm alone
Sitting here, thinking of Dave,
Thinking of my day, too.
I reflect on all that's been said and done,
I think about all the hopes and plans
I remember that tomorrow is another day
Without Dave
Tomorrow is another day to get through.
I know that God is here beside me
Holding me close and providing my every need
I am thankful for all the friends and family, too
Who are generous and kind
Who speak words of encouragement.
Encouragement =
| 1. | to inspire (someone) with the courage or confidence (to do something) |
| 2. | to stimulate (something or someone to do something) by approval or help; support |
But I just want to sit beside Dave on our recliner
I want his arm around me
I want to hear him breathing beside me
I want to feel him near me.
I want to know that when the TV show is over
We'll go upstairs
I'll lie there with his arms around me
And while he sleeps
I'll smile and be glad
That he is there with me
And that he'll be there when I wake up in the morning.
Even though I have a job and a reason to live.
I want Dave alive.
I want him here with me.
I just want my Dave, my lover, my best friend.
The man I admire and respect.
My Dave who I can talk to and confide in
Get his advice on
Who hears me and understands me.
Who is terrified of how much he loves me.
Who I love so very, very much.
I want Dave.
Just Dave.
I Have A Job!
Just in case you haven't heard, I have a job for 2012 teaching grade 3/4 in a Christian school. I am looking forward to it! It is a larger school than I've been in so will have different challenges and it is on the outskirts of Melbourne, and close to the rural community. There's even a small farming program for all of the grades 3 and 4 which is great too. I keep thinking back to the song that Sandi Patty sings called, "When Life Gets Broken" and the lines:
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
I know that this job is from the Lord and I know that I couldn't have imagined a better place for me. I am thankful that He provided this job in His perfect time. Next week I will begin looking for a place of my own but I've been checking the internet looking over houses and whittling them down and then adding a few more. Right near the school is a 25m indoor, heated pool and I'll probably be living close enough to the school that I'll be able to walk or ride my bike if I want to. All things that I enjoy.
This morning I was reading from Romans 5 and I read, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
I know that hope is so important to our lives because without hope, there is no purpose, no reason to keep moving forward. To know that the Lord will help me start all over again, that He can replace what I have lost if I need it, gives me hope. Having this job is an answer to prayer and a great reminder of the truths contained in that song.
When the Principal called to let me know I had the job, I wanted to call Dave.
"Hey honey, I got the job! It's so right for me and I'm so excited! They've even got a small farming program that I can get involved in. I guess by the end of the year, I'll know if I still want my own small farm.... all the things you were teaching me, all the things I learned from you and living in our home, all comes together now. I can go swimming, walking and ride my bike around. I'll be able to get fit. "
I can imagine the look on his face, I can imagine what he would say and the smile would reach into his eyes, he would chuckle, hug me, give me a few words of teasing and he'd be proud of me.
Although he can't be here, he is a part of me and I will be taking that part into my new life. I miss him like crazy and I am so thankful that he is a part of me.
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
I know that this job is from the Lord and I know that I couldn't have imagined a better place for me. I am thankful that He provided this job in His perfect time. Next week I will begin looking for a place of my own but I've been checking the internet looking over houses and whittling them down and then adding a few more. Right near the school is a 25m indoor, heated pool and I'll probably be living close enough to the school that I'll be able to walk or ride my bike if I want to. All things that I enjoy.
This morning I was reading from Romans 5 and I read, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
I know that hope is so important to our lives because without hope, there is no purpose, no reason to keep moving forward. To know that the Lord will help me start all over again, that He can replace what I have lost if I need it, gives me hope. Having this job is an answer to prayer and a great reminder of the truths contained in that song.
When the Principal called to let me know I had the job, I wanted to call Dave.
"Hey honey, I got the job! It's so right for me and I'm so excited! They've even got a small farming program that I can get involved in. I guess by the end of the year, I'll know if I still want my own small farm.... all the things you were teaching me, all the things I learned from you and living in our home, all comes together now. I can go swimming, walking and ride my bike around. I'll be able to get fit. "
I can imagine the look on his face, I can imagine what he would say and the smile would reach into his eyes, he would chuckle, hug me, give me a few words of teasing and he'd be proud of me.
Although he can't be here, he is a part of me and I will be taking that part into my new life. I miss him like crazy and I am so thankful that he is a part of me.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Long and Winding Road
When driving around here, it's a bit like driving some places in Oregon. There are rolling green hills, bends, rivers, scenic views, bridges and road works. As I was driving back to Karen's this afternoon, I thought about how my life seems to be like those roads. Up, down, around the bend, roadworks (pain and growth), scenic views, (good times) and then there are the muddy parts that aren't so pretty. At least when I was out driving then, I had a destination.
Tomorrow afternoon is my interview which I am looking forward to because it gives me a destination. The thing is, that I hate suspense and some things I want settled yesterday. I want to know where I'll be living next year. As soon as I know I have the job, I want to go house hunting (to rent) even though I know that for all practical purposes I won't be moving in until mid December and even though I know that my things from the US won't be here until early January, 2012. I want to join a squash club, or even play netball or go to Zumba at the local fitness centre. I want to see what kind of a garden I will have because I do want to potter around in my own garden. I want to unpack and set up home and have friends come and visit me and I want to make new friends in the school and local community that I'll be living in next year.
I start looking forward to living and then a little bit of me feels guilty because I'm still grieving and shouldn't be enjoying myself. I know that's not true either. I miss Dave. Dave had an opinion about everything, even things he didn't know much about but I loved that about him. J I loved that I could go to him and tell him everything and that I would get a response from him. I loved that he wanted me to talk to him and tell him things and that he was glad that I listened to him and wanted to know his thoughts on issues. He would tell me about things, knowing that I did care and that he could be totally honest with me. I could tell him about decisions parents had made, things that kids had done at school, opinions that my friends had and he would tell me what he thought. He and I agreed about most things although his opinion was somewhat stronger than mine. He encouraged me to be confident in my opinions.
The last 24 hours I've been floundering wondering what I'm supposed to do with those thoughts that I can no longer share with him. I've wondered what I'm supposed to do with the memories that I treasured because it was him and me...us. How am I supposed to deal with the pain of not having him in my life anymore? When it all gets to be too much and especially as Christmas draws near, when I hear Christmas songs that talk about sharing Christmas with their loved one, I fight to hold back the tears. What are they doing playing "Walking in a Winter wonderland" when it's still over a month to Christmas and "Dreaming of a White Christmas" which is so irrelevant to Christmas in Australia, anyway?
Last year Wanda gave us 2 teddy bears joined together, that had a sign saying "Our first Christmas". Unbeknown to us, it was also our last Christmas together. Last year we went Christmas shopping together and Dave looked at lots of potential gifts for me. He won't be giving me any of those things that he wanted to give and I won't be receiving any presents from him. He always put a lot of effort into choosing the right card for me and for others. I am glad I kept the few cards that I received from him.
I know I will get through this time. Part of me wants to try and stuff all those grieving emotions down and pretend that it doesn't hurt but the hurt is also sweet. "It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all". I only hurt because I love Dave so much. I want to move forward with my life because I have to and there is no sense dwelling on 'my loss'. I can't change what has been and I don't want to. I know that if I had to do it all over again, I would. What I had with Dave and who I am today and what I will achieve tomorrow is so much interwoven. I am thankful for who Dave is to me, for the love that we shared and the relationship we enjoyed. I am thankful for the life I had with Dave but it’s time to start moving forward with purpose. I still add, "I just wish Dave was moving forward with me!"
Friday, November 18, 2011
In Time
After such a positive interview, you would think that I was set to wait patiently and expectantly, without anxiety until early next week but no, not me. The last 24 hours especially have been difficult for me with lots of questions and lots of mixed emotions and not all related to getting a job.
On the job front, I kept wondering what I would do if I don't get the job. When I looked at the jobs list, there were no Christian schools advertising for a teacher, in Victoria. As I said to a friend recently, who suggested I look elsewhere, it's not even about getting a job per se. It goes deeper than that. If the circumstances were different, then I could look further afield but right now, I need to be in a place where I can heal, grow and establish myself again. Sadly, establish myself as Mrs Flowers, without the Mr being alongside me. That breaks my heart.
I know that God answers prayer but along with that, I know that He doesn't always answer prayer the way we want Him to, the way we ask Him to and in the time that we expect Him to. I have seen close friends of mine, and family too, struggle with the discouragement that comes from unemployment, or from an illness that leads to death. I know that He provides all that we need and that His timing is perfect. He sees the end result (or as in the case of my last post, the horse trailer) and I only see a little bit of what I want, what I think is the 'perfect' goal and in actual fact, I can only see this moment and live this day. I know the Bible verse, "Do not be anxious for anything" and "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own" but knowing and believing comes down to the seemingly often intangible, "Faith and Trust".
Yet, as I said, for the last 24 hours, I have struggled with "What if God doesn't answer my prayers, then what am I going to do?" It hurts. It hurts sometimes more than I can express to be in this situation without Dave. The main thing is not even being unemployed, or not having my own home, the real painful thing is, I don't have Dave. There is no Dave at the end of the tunnel once I am healed. Dave is not going to come and join me when I have a job, when I have my own place and when I start getting on with my life. As I look ahead, moving forward because I have no alternative, as I try to dream and think about what I want, I keep coming back to the knowledge, that it is all without Dave.
To add to my heartbreak, I keep unearthing more things about Dave and about how hurt he was when he was living without me, or rather, existing. I wish he was here so I could ask him "Why?" Why did you do that? or What does this mean? And I also wish I could have my time over again with him, love him that little bit more, hold him a little bit tighter and help him understand just how valuable and loved he is. I wish we could do the things that he started wanting to do and I wish that he was with me now.
I hope that as you read this post, you realise just how important it is to make the most of the time you have now and really love the ones you have been given to love. Don't wait for a 'better' time, do it now. Before we were married, Dave used to worry about the fact that he was somewhat older than me. I used to reassure him that whatever time we had together was going to be as good as we made it, that we have no idea how much time we did have, so we needed to make the most of it. For all we knew, I could have died first. There are no guarantees in this life, only that we all will pass away sometime.
Now, on the up side of all that I started this post with, I did get a call from the Principal and I've been invited for a 2nd interview next Monday. He explained also that the job is only for a year and asked me how I felt about it, at the same time reassuring me that it's highly possible, another teaching position will arise so that I could stay on. For me, that is perfect because I don't know what I'll be doing in a year, or even what I want to be doing. I need 12 months to re-establish myself and this seems like the perfect place for me. Oh, I guess it must be perfect, if God is providing it for me.
Just in time, I am provided a job when I need it most which means I can also go and find a home, just in time, before my things from the States arrive. Of course, it's all 'in time' - God's time. Who woulda thunk it?
While I am excited about being able to settle down and move forward, there is another strong part of me that is also sad because Dave is not here to share it with me. I miss him so much and moving forward, as I have said many times before, is like moving further away from my life with him. That hurts, too.
I am thankful that God provides my every need. I had an email from Mom Flowers and she said, "We love you so much and want the best for you as you adjust. It is so beautiful to hear where your faith and trust is - In God alone."
The thing is if I didn't trust God at this time, I would have nothing at all to live for. She told me to never give up. Believe me, sometimes I think if I could, I would but I keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that God does have a purpose for me to be alive. He does have a plan for me and in the end, His ways are higher than mine.
As Job replied to the Lord,
“I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
Amen and me, too! Me, too Lord.
On the job front, I kept wondering what I would do if I don't get the job. When I looked at the jobs list, there were no Christian schools advertising for a teacher, in Victoria. As I said to a friend recently, who suggested I look elsewhere, it's not even about getting a job per se. It goes deeper than that. If the circumstances were different, then I could look further afield but right now, I need to be in a place where I can heal, grow and establish myself again. Sadly, establish myself as Mrs Flowers, without the Mr being alongside me. That breaks my heart.
I know that God answers prayer but along with that, I know that He doesn't always answer prayer the way we want Him to, the way we ask Him to and in the time that we expect Him to. I have seen close friends of mine, and family too, struggle with the discouragement that comes from unemployment, or from an illness that leads to death. I know that He provides all that we need and that His timing is perfect. He sees the end result (or as in the case of my last post, the horse trailer) and I only see a little bit of what I want, what I think is the 'perfect' goal and in actual fact, I can only see this moment and live this day. I know the Bible verse, "Do not be anxious for anything" and "Do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of it's own" but knowing and believing comes down to the seemingly often intangible, "Faith and Trust".
Yet, as I said, for the last 24 hours, I have struggled with "What if God doesn't answer my prayers, then what am I going to do?" It hurts. It hurts sometimes more than I can express to be in this situation without Dave. The main thing is not even being unemployed, or not having my own home, the real painful thing is, I don't have Dave. There is no Dave at the end of the tunnel once I am healed. Dave is not going to come and join me when I have a job, when I have my own place and when I start getting on with my life. As I look ahead, moving forward because I have no alternative, as I try to dream and think about what I want, I keep coming back to the knowledge, that it is all without Dave.
To add to my heartbreak, I keep unearthing more things about Dave and about how hurt he was when he was living without me, or rather, existing. I wish he was here so I could ask him "Why?" Why did you do that? or What does this mean? And I also wish I could have my time over again with him, love him that little bit more, hold him a little bit tighter and help him understand just how valuable and loved he is. I wish we could do the things that he started wanting to do and I wish that he was with me now.
I hope that as you read this post, you realise just how important it is to make the most of the time you have now and really love the ones you have been given to love. Don't wait for a 'better' time, do it now. Before we were married, Dave used to worry about the fact that he was somewhat older than me. I used to reassure him that whatever time we had together was going to be as good as we made it, that we have no idea how much time we did have, so we needed to make the most of it. For all we knew, I could have died first. There are no guarantees in this life, only that we all will pass away sometime.
Now, on the up side of all that I started this post with, I did get a call from the Principal and I've been invited for a 2nd interview next Monday. He explained also that the job is only for a year and asked me how I felt about it, at the same time reassuring me that it's highly possible, another teaching position will arise so that I could stay on. For me, that is perfect because I don't know what I'll be doing in a year, or even what I want to be doing. I need 12 months to re-establish myself and this seems like the perfect place for me. Oh, I guess it must be perfect, if God is providing it for me.
Just in time, I am provided a job when I need it most which means I can also go and find a home, just in time, before my things from the States arrive. Of course, it's all 'in time' - God's time. Who woulda thunk it?
While I am excited about being able to settle down and move forward, there is another strong part of me that is also sad because Dave is not here to share it with me. I miss him so much and moving forward, as I have said many times before, is like moving further away from my life with him. That hurts, too.
I am thankful that God provides my every need. I had an email from Mom Flowers and she said, "We love you so much and want the best for you as you adjust. It is so beautiful to hear where your faith and trust is - In God alone."
The thing is if I didn't trust God at this time, I would have nothing at all to live for. She told me to never give up. Believe me, sometimes I think if I could, I would but I keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that God does have a purpose for me to be alive. He does have a plan for me and in the end, His ways are higher than mine.
As Job replied to the Lord,
“I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
Amen and me, too! Me, too Lord.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Interviews, Learning and Growing
Today I went to an interview and met some lovely people who I think I would enjoy working with. I think I did well although it is hard to judge and was only a first interview. They will notify me early next week and it is possible I will be invited to a second interview. The principal asked, "Carolanne, you could get a job anywhere, why do you want to be a part of our school?" Inwardly I thought, "Well then, why don't you 'snap' me up and employ me?" and outwardly I smiled and answered his question properly.
In a previous email exchange with the principal I said:
"Often I am asked about my long term plans, 5 years down the track, 25 years etc but I am not great at having plans because I have learned that I need to make plans 'loosely and with an open hand' giving it to the Lord."
I know that I am led each step of the way and I am glad that the Lord knows me so well. When Nick and I were trying to get Dee (my horse) into the horse trailer, she would take one step up, then pull and step back. She needed constant encouragement to keep moving forward. I would slap her rump, Nick would pull on the rope, we'd try to sweet talk her but it took quite a few step-up, pull- back moments, before she would get in. Nick got bad rope burns on his hand at the time.
I think I am like Dee at times except that the Lord knows that so He doesn't confront me with the 'horse trailer' straight away.
Instead, He gives me a manageable task and then gives me a slightly harder task next time. He "grows me" into each task. Sometimes when I look back, I think to myself that if I had have known what I was going to be doing further down the track, I would balk at the starting gate. When I was at teacher's college, many moons ago, they would hand out all the year's assignments and assessment tasks at the beginning of the year. I would always feel slightly overwhelmed, until I remembered that it wasn't all due in the first few weeks. I think that's also a reason why I put off overwhelming projects: I see what the completed finished project should be, I know there will be lots of steps to get to that task and I forget that there is time enough to do it.
Anyway, I will know early next week. After I finished the interview, I went and spent some time with my gorgeous son Nathan. We went out for dinner and were the only ones in the restaurant. While we were eating, a man came and set up his speakers, took out his guitar and started playing and singing. I felt bad leaving soon after but Nathan assured me that the man would have been playing regardless of our presence and that at least he had had our audience for a short time.
Nathan learned to drive in an automatic car and got his automatic driver's licence, so now that I have a manual car, he has the opportunity to learn how to drive it. I took him for a driving lesson and was thankful that I only had to teach him how to change gears and do a handbrake start as he already has car 'sense' and knows the rules. We got to an intersection which was uphill so he had to learn how to do a handbrake start. Take your foot off the clutch gently with your left foot, accelerate with your right foot and with your left hand, release the handbrake. He stalled a few times so I offered to do it for him. He persisted until he could cross the intersection himself. We drove around a bit more and then I suggested we stop at McDonalds for an ice-cream. He drove into a car space that was slightly uphill and when the car stalled, he got out it and asked me to park it properly.
I asked him why he didn't want to persist with that one and I guess it came down to the fact that he had 'finished' his learning for the time being.
We keep moving forward, we make plans and we keep learning and growing. As Psalm 139 says:
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
I am glad He knows me so well and that He gently leads me, in the way that is best for me.
In a previous email exchange with the principal I said:
"Often I am asked about my long term plans, 5 years down the track, 25 years etc but I am not great at having plans because I have learned that I need to make plans 'loosely and with an open hand' giving it to the Lord."
I think I am like Dee at times except that the Lord knows that so He doesn't confront me with the 'horse trailer' straight away.
Instead, He gives me a manageable task and then gives me a slightly harder task next time. He "grows me" into each task. Sometimes when I look back, I think to myself that if I had have known what I was going to be doing further down the track, I would balk at the starting gate. When I was at teacher's college, many moons ago, they would hand out all the year's assignments and assessment tasks at the beginning of the year. I would always feel slightly overwhelmed, until I remembered that it wasn't all due in the first few weeks. I think that's also a reason why I put off overwhelming projects: I see what the completed finished project should be, I know there will be lots of steps to get to that task and I forget that there is time enough to do it.
Anyway, I will know early next week. After I finished the interview, I went and spent some time with my gorgeous son Nathan. We went out for dinner and were the only ones in the restaurant. While we were eating, a man came and set up his speakers, took out his guitar and started playing and singing. I felt bad leaving soon after but Nathan assured me that the man would have been playing regardless of our presence and that at least he had had our audience for a short time.
Nathan learned to drive in an automatic car and got his automatic driver's licence, so now that I have a manual car, he has the opportunity to learn how to drive it. I took him for a driving lesson and was thankful that I only had to teach him how to change gears and do a handbrake start as he already has car 'sense' and knows the rules. We got to an intersection which was uphill so he had to learn how to do a handbrake start. Take your foot off the clutch gently with your left foot, accelerate with your right foot and with your left hand, release the handbrake. He stalled a few times so I offered to do it for him. He persisted until he could cross the intersection himself. We drove around a bit more and then I suggested we stop at McDonalds for an ice-cream. He drove into a car space that was slightly uphill and when the car stalled, he got out it and asked me to park it properly.
I asked him why he didn't want to persist with that one and I guess it came down to the fact that he had 'finished' his learning for the time being.
We keep moving forward, we make plans and we keep learning and growing. As Psalm 139 says:
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
I am glad He knows me so well and that He gently leads me, in the way that is best for me.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Days Like These
Alexander had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day after he woke up with gum in his hair and tripped over his skateboard so he wanted to move to Australia. Well obviously I moved to Australia where gum is a type of leaf that koalas feed off and I haven't seen any koalas yet, only dead kangaroos, echidnas and kookaburras. I didn't even see the wallaby that visits Carolyn's place last weekend.
In the meantime, I have days that aren't anything to write home about, when my diet coke is flat but still cold, when the weather is rainy but not snowing, when I'm feeling melancholy and I moan about not having a job, my own home/space and my tangible reminders of the wonderful memories I shared with Dave. But even on days are like that, I still have blessings of love, friendship, joy and laughter. I still have family and friends who are worth more than any gum leaves or juicy fruit gum.
On Sunday night when I arrived back at Karen's, I was feeling despondent about no job and not being able to move forward until I have one. Yes, I know what I wrote in my last post but even knowing, still requires faith and trust which is intangible at times. Karen turned to her husband, Steve and said, "We need to pray right now" and so we did. The next afternoon when I was getting ready to go shopping, I received a phone call from a principal who wants to interview me tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. I am very hopeful about this position. My interaction with the principal has been very positive and the school is on the outskirts of the 'city' and yet close to the rural community. The school is a good size and seems to have the resources and colleagues to ensure that I would feel very comfortable there.
I love my family! You are all so very special to me and I am glad for phone calls and Skype. I am glad that I am able to spend time with Nathan, driving places together and sharing on an 'adult' level with mutual love and respect. I am thankful that my family, and those close friends who are like family to me, bring smiles and laughter into my life and your encouragement and love helps me to keep putting one step in front of the other.
Today, I found out that to change my surname to Flowers, in Australia, is going to require more paperwork and cost almost $100. Apparently my marriage certificate, USA permanent resident card, WA state driver's licence, US social security number, Victorian Teacher's registration card is not enough proof that my last name is Flowers. I have had 3 police checks in the last 18 months or so - 2 were Australian and still that is not enough. I should be used to all this paperwork. Dave hated paperwork and even though I didn't like it, someone had to do it.
So, that's it for now.
Just another thought, if this is the 'only' post you can read, because you came here directly from FB, then just click on the title, "The Garden Trail" and that will bring up the last 7, including this one.
Thanks for praying for me. Thanks for thinking of me.
In the meantime, I have days that aren't anything to write home about, when my diet coke is flat but still cold, when the weather is rainy but not snowing, when I'm feeling melancholy and I moan about not having a job, my own home/space and my tangible reminders of the wonderful memories I shared with Dave. But even on days are like that, I still have blessings of love, friendship, joy and laughter. I still have family and friends who are worth more than any gum leaves or juicy fruit gum.
On Sunday night when I arrived back at Karen's, I was feeling despondent about no job and not being able to move forward until I have one. Yes, I know what I wrote in my last post but even knowing, still requires faith and trust which is intangible at times. Karen turned to her husband, Steve and said, "We need to pray right now" and so we did. The next afternoon when I was getting ready to go shopping, I received a phone call from a principal who wants to interview me tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. I am very hopeful about this position. My interaction with the principal has been very positive and the school is on the outskirts of the 'city' and yet close to the rural community. The school is a good size and seems to have the resources and colleagues to ensure that I would feel very comfortable there.
I love my family! You are all so very special to me and I am glad for phone calls and Skype. I am glad that I am able to spend time with Nathan, driving places together and sharing on an 'adult' level with mutual love and respect. I am thankful that my family, and those close friends who are like family to me, bring smiles and laughter into my life and your encouragement and love helps me to keep putting one step in front of the other.
Today, I found out that to change my surname to Flowers, in Australia, is going to require more paperwork and cost almost $100. Apparently my marriage certificate, USA permanent resident card, WA state driver's licence, US social security number, Victorian Teacher's registration card is not enough proof that my last name is Flowers. I have had 3 police checks in the last 18 months or so - 2 were Australian and still that is not enough. I should be used to all this paperwork. Dave hated paperwork and even though I didn't like it, someone had to do it.
So, that's it for now.
Just another thought, if this is the 'only' post you can read, because you came here directly from FB, then just click on the title, "The Garden Trail" and that will bring up the last 7, including this one.
Thanks for praying for me. Thanks for thinking of me.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
My Hope, His Time
Would that grief would follow a set pattern, with fool proof instructions and be predictable. Then I wouldn't have walked into that store this morning and wouldn't have thought about the special times between Dave and I, the intimacy we enjoyed and wouldn't have had to rush out the door, fighting back the tears. After that, I walked around the shopping centre, looking at boring, non-threatening to my composure type stuff and bought a pretty pair of earrings that were cheap and a little wallet sized photo holder.
The last couple of days I keep thinking about needing a job and needing a home, in that order and I know I have to just give it to God and not worry about it. I have been very blessed because I have friends who have opened up their homes to me and given me an amazing amount of love and support during this difficult period of my life. I don't want to be a burden and I don't want to be melancholy but unfortunately, grief can be unpredictable and there are times when I find it hard to move forward and be cheerful. My friends are very understanding towards me and they are priceless.
While I know that being here was the most practical decision for me, I still wonder why I came to Australia so soon, when all I'm doing is wandering from home to home and catching up with family and friends. Meanwhile, my crate of things is getting closer and meant to arrive on December 11th and then it will still have to go through customs and may or may not be here until after Christmas. Today I bought a beautiful bed which will also be ready for me by mid December. I am trying to set up a home and look forward, without having a definite job and home to go to. As the crate moves closer, the urgency of needing a job and a home fills my mind.
So yesterday I read Psalm 62 which says, v1 "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress I will never be shaken."
v 5-8 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God. He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.
Anyway, I glanced over at the Message and verse 1 reads: God, the one and only -- I'll wait as long as He says. Everything I need comes from Him.
So in case I missed it yesterday or maybe God knows me well and decided I needed to hear it again, today the reading was from Exodus 15:22-27 and the devotional thought said, "Even when our situation looks difficult, we can trust that God is leading. He already knows what we'll need when we get there."
I do know all that and believe it to be true. I do give it to God and trust Him. I want to add a 'but' here but there is no buts, only Him. I am not trying to be pious nor am I trying to pretend in order to make me (and others) feel good. I obviously am struggling in this area and I am trying to make my feet walk the way my heart knows is the right way to go. The thing is that grief is not something I can just 'snap out of it' and feel better, it's not a cough or a cold that I can take medicine for and watch it go away because at the moment, it's a state of being, it's with me all the time. It's not something I can share with others and it's not contagious. If I had my own home, I would have the privacy to deal with it in my own way and would be able to unwrap my new home and see something tangible, a move forward in my life.
All I can say is: "So help me, Father God". I need to hope in Him and wait for as long as He takes, knowing that He will provide all I need as He leads me forward, each step of the way.
The last couple of days I keep thinking about needing a job and needing a home, in that order and I know I have to just give it to God and not worry about it. I have been very blessed because I have friends who have opened up their homes to me and given me an amazing amount of love and support during this difficult period of my life. I don't want to be a burden and I don't want to be melancholy but unfortunately, grief can be unpredictable and there are times when I find it hard to move forward and be cheerful. My friends are very understanding towards me and they are priceless.
While I know that being here was the most practical decision for me, I still wonder why I came to Australia so soon, when all I'm doing is wandering from home to home and catching up with family and friends. Meanwhile, my crate of things is getting closer and meant to arrive on December 11th and then it will still have to go through customs and may or may not be here until after Christmas. Today I bought a beautiful bed which will also be ready for me by mid December. I am trying to set up a home and look forward, without having a definite job and home to go to. As the crate moves closer, the urgency of needing a job and a home fills my mind.
So yesterday I read Psalm 62 which says, v1 "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress I will never be shaken."
v 5-8 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God. He is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.
Anyway, I glanced over at the Message and verse 1 reads: God, the one and only -- I'll wait as long as He says. Everything I need comes from Him.
So in case I missed it yesterday or maybe God knows me well and decided I needed to hear it again, today the reading was from Exodus 15:22-27 and the devotional thought said, "Even when our situation looks difficult, we can trust that God is leading. He already knows what we'll need when we get there."
I do know all that and believe it to be true. I do give it to God and trust Him. I want to add a 'but' here but there is no buts, only Him. I am not trying to be pious nor am I trying to pretend in order to make me (and others) feel good. I obviously am struggling in this area and I am trying to make my feet walk the way my heart knows is the right way to go. The thing is that grief is not something I can just 'snap out of it' and feel better, it's not a cough or a cold that I can take medicine for and watch it go away because at the moment, it's a state of being, it's with me all the time. It's not something I can share with others and it's not contagious. If I had my own home, I would have the privacy to deal with it in my own way and would be able to unwrap my new home and see something tangible, a move forward in my life.
All I can say is: "So help me, Father God". I need to hope in Him and wait for as long as He takes, knowing that He will provide all I need as He leads me forward, each step of the way.
Friday, November 11, 2011
A Day Filled With Blessings!
What a special day I had today! Every day, no matter how hard it's been, before I close my eyes at night I can always find something to give thanks about. No matter how many tears I have cried and no matter how hurt I am feeling, even with things so unsettled,and while dealing with grief, there is always something to remind me of God's amazing love and goodness. Even right now as I type these words, I hear kookaburras laughing. Kookaburras are my favourite bird for a reason that goes back many years ago which I won't go into right now. Suffice to say, when I hear a kookaburra laugh, I am reminded that God loves me so much and cares about me, to even the smallest things of my life.
Today was a lovely day with warm weather, blue skies and sunshine. My friend Carolyn, with whom I've been friends since we were about 5 or 6 years old, took me to a train carriage cafe that was set out in the bush with gum trees surrounding it and magpies that would swoop to the ground, then fly into the trees and sing their pretty song. As we sat there talking, riders on their horses would go past and I'd be reminded of my horses and the fun it was to ride them. Being so close to my brother's home, we drove there to catch up with him. Carolyn had never been to the campsite before.
While they chatted over a cuppa, I decided to go visit the horse in the paddock who was once known as "Mad Max" but then they renamed him to Max. Max is about 26 years old and doesn't have as much energy has he once did. It was good to run my hands down his neck, have his nose nuzzle into me and even had his tongue lick my arm. It was good to feel his mane and to smell the distinctive smell that horses have.
Warren took us over to the large paddock where the sheep, lambs and ram were grazing. The dog tried to get up close but generally, the ewes were protective of their newborn. We got up close to the ram and were able to pat it while my brother took a photo of us doing that.
There was a lamb that was only one day old and another ewe had twins that were almost a week old but were still smaller than the day old lamb. When I tried to get up close to take a photo, the mother ewe would get up to go with her lambs following her but when my brother got close, she even laid down in the long, green grass and kept her lambs close to her.
Warren explained that if foxes got in, the ewes wouldn't necessarily fight back unless they were cornered. He was hoping the lambs would get to be a few days older when they would have more strength and be too big for foxes to eat before a fox ventured in to their paddock. Sometimes the mother ewe would leave her lambs unprotected so they had to learn to fend for themselves, quickly.
When Carolyn and I got back home, we went inside and I began uploading photos. Her son and husband came in and then the kookaburras came to sit on the porch railings outside.
The kookaburras let us get up close to them and I even got to pat one! We didn't have any meat so we tried feeding them very tiny portions of a cracker. They would take it in their mouth and then spit it out again because it wasn't their kind of food.
A little later I sat there looking back over the day, thinking how blessed I was: Getting to pat and play with a horse, getting to pat a ram and watching sheep and lambs skip over the paddock and then, to top it off, getting to pat a kookaburra and have it take 'food' from me! Then there were the relationships that I had enjoyed that day: I got to Skype with Mom and Dad Flowers, got to spend a lot of time with Carolyn, got to chat with my son Nathan, visit my brother Warren and got in contact with my friend Karen. Wow! How blessed I am!
To top it all off, tonight there was a most beautiful sunset! I said to John, "Wow! Look at that sunset!!!!" and his reply was, "We get them all the time".
What a beautiful day it has been. Thank you, Lord!!!!
Today was a lovely day with warm weather, blue skies and sunshine. My friend Carolyn, with whom I've been friends since we were about 5 or 6 years old, took me to a train carriage cafe that was set out in the bush with gum trees surrounding it and magpies that would swoop to the ground, then fly into the trees and sing their pretty song. As we sat there talking, riders on their horses would go past and I'd be reminded of my horses and the fun it was to ride them. Being so close to my brother's home, we drove there to catch up with him. Carolyn had never been to the campsite before.
Warren took us over to the large paddock where the sheep, lambs and ram were grazing. The dog tried to get up close but generally, the ewes were protective of their newborn. We got up close to the ram and were able to pat it while my brother took a photo of us doing that.
When Carolyn and I got back home, we went inside and I began uploading photos. Her son and husband came in and then the kookaburras came to sit on the porch railings outside.
A little later I sat there looking back over the day, thinking how blessed I was: Getting to pat and play with a horse, getting to pat a ram and watching sheep and lambs skip over the paddock and then, to top it off, getting to pat a kookaburra and have it take 'food' from me! Then there were the relationships that I had enjoyed that day: I got to Skype with Mom and Dad Flowers, got to spend a lot of time with Carolyn, got to chat with my son Nathan, visit my brother Warren and got in contact with my friend Karen. Wow! How blessed I am!
To top it all off, tonight there was a most beautiful sunset! I said to John, "Wow! Look at that sunset!!!!" and his reply was, "We get them all the time".
What a beautiful day it has been. Thank you, Lord!!!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Broken
When I woke up in Molyullah this morning, I woke up with a groan and knew that this was going to be one of those days when I would be dealing with tears and grief and missing Dave. It wasn't just because I was leaving my friends at Molyullah because I knew I would be back. It was because I had thoughts....
Thoughts of:
"Revisiting" one of my favourite memories: On our wedding night, we went to the Davenport Hotel and the lady at the reception desk noticed Dave's very shiny, wedding ring and asked if we were just married after we had just said we'd been to a wedding that day. Up in our room, my hair was full of hairspray and pins and it was frustrating me to pull out the pins when I couldn't see where they were all hidden. I laid my head on Dave's chest and he gently took them all out without pulling my hair at all. Ahhh! So nice!
Anyway, as I was driving along, I listened to a Mariah Carey CD but it was too much of the "I can't live if living is without you" type songs so I played Sandi Patty's CD "Edge of the Divine". When I heard the song, "When Life Gets Broken", I could not stop the tears but I needed to hear the words to that song!
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Verse 2
You hoped God would heal her
But she went home anyway
Now it's hard to imagine
How you'll make it through the day
Weeks turn to years
Time's passing you by
But you're still holding on
To the how's and the why's
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
So tonight I am visiting friends I haven't seen in years but have been friends with for years. I accidently left my toiletries at Molyullah so Carolyn and I had to go shopping for some more. I am so blessed in the generosity and loving kindness of all my friends. I am so thankful for them but... I still wish I had my own home to go to!
Thoughts of:
- Missing Dave
- No job and not having heard anything either way,
- Missing Dave
- Having a car but no home to drive it to
- Leaving friends to visit other friends but not having my own home
- Missing Dave
- Wishing I could wake up with Dave beside me.
Anyway, as I was driving along, I listened to a Mariah Carey CD but it was too much of the "I can't live if living is without you" type songs so I played Sandi Patty's CD "Edge of the Divine". When I heard the song, "When Life Gets Broken", I could not stop the tears but I needed to hear the words to that song!
When Life Gets Broken
Hands reaching out
No one to hold
You've been abandoned
With no place to go
Wounded and wanting
Such desperate times
Cold bitter tears are filling your eyes
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
Verse 2
You hoped God would heal her
But she went home anyway
Now it's hard to imagine
How you'll make it through the day
Weeks turn to years
Time's passing you by
But you're still holding on
To the how's and the why's
(Pre-Chorus)
Get a glimpse of Jesus
For He is right there with you
He knows just what you need
Chorus
When life gets broken
And you're in despair
He'll carry your burden
When it's too much to bear
It's down in the valley
Where He'll give you strength
And there is nothing you have lost
That He can't replace
He'll help you start all over again
When life gets broken
So tonight I am visiting friends I haven't seen in years but have been friends with for years. I accidently left my toiletries at Molyullah so Carolyn and I had to go shopping for some more. I am so blessed in the generosity and loving kindness of all my friends. I am so thankful for them but... I still wish I had my own home to go to!
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