Evening Falls As The Day Ends

As the sun sets, casting a halo of light and pink colours over the gum trees and bottle brushes, the cockatoos squawk and the blackbirds and blue wrens sing their pretty songs.  We picked the blackberries and raspberries for a treat later on and then darkness fell gently on the earth, covering it with silence.  Sleep will come later for me and even now, I hope it will come quickly and soundly, without the weird dreams I've been having lately that cause me to wake up feeling unrested.


The perfume of lilies permeates the room and a bull bellows at the darkening sky.  Last night, I went to bed thinking, "What have I done?!"  And what it all comes down to is, I have moved forward because there's no place else to go.  I read an Aussie cartoonist's caption today, "Let it go. Let it out. Let it all unravel. Let it free and it can be A path on which to travel." (Leunig 2012)


I visited the school a couple of days ago and looked around it again, took possession of a staff manual and a parents' manual and read through them.  I looked at places to rent and found a home that I liked although I do have some misgivings about the next-door neighbours, due to some overheard interactions.  It's nice to have it all settled (Well, not sure yet if I have the rental place) and I'm moving forward but it's still not my heart's desire.


I went shopping yesterday afternoon, on my own, and did not enjoy it very much.  I was looking for things to add to my home, not 'our' home.  I was looking at Christmas gifts and remembered that I would not be buying anything for Dave, nor receiving anything from Dave.  It's not even that the gifts are important, it's the realisation that Christmas will be without Dave. 


I was talking to my friend Bronwyn today and she told me about a Bible verse from Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."  She shared that when a spouse dies after many years, the one left still has the memories and dreams fulfilled but she added, "You weren't married long enough to make those memories, just the possibility of dreams to be fulfilled.  What you have now is not what you wanted, not what you planned."  Exactly!


It's report writing time and I remembered that when I had finished teaching, I told Dave that I am so glad that I won't have to write reports again.  Yet, here I am with a job teaching and next year, it will be back to report writing.  Yes, teaching is fulfilling in other ways and I am happy to be in the classroom again, but more paperwork, more reports, more assessment tasks......more practice at procrastinating!


Well I have eaten my strawberries, raspberries and blackberries topped with vanilla ice-cream and the hour hands on the clock have moved steadily around.  Tomorrow is another day and I don't have any idea what it will hold but I will go to bed shortly and wake up to a new day.