Boo!

Shhh!  They whispered around her, pulling on their kid gloves and tiptoeing as though she couldn't see them or hear them.  They all looked at her and then at each other wondering what to do next.  She sat at the table wiping her fingers on her jeans to remove the chicken grease left overs.  She had already licked them first but as no napkin was provided, her jeans were there to finish the job.  She click-clacked on the keyboard oblivious to their pitiful stares.  She knew they were there but she had little time for their nonsense.


The phone rang and she picked  it up enthusiastically, "Saturday?  Yes, that would be wonderful!  I'm looking forward to seeing you."  She hung up the phone smiling at the prospect of catching up with good friends.  The phone rang again and in response to the caller's invitation, she laughed and agreed, "Oh for sure.  I can't wait!"  The sun shone through the window, the blow fly buzzed around her head and the birds continued their endless song as life went on.


Finally, as they continued to flit cautiously around her, she stilled her typing fingers.  She waited while they held their breath wondering what she was going to do.  She counted to ten and when she thought they could take no more, she jumped up and shouted, "Boo!" 


The thing is, I have been back in Australia for three weeks and I am settling in well.  I miss Dave so much and every day wish he was still alive and that we were still together.  I have been welcomed 'home' and though I do not call this home, I understand the sentiment behind it and realise that people are sincerely glad to see me and want to continue/renew their friendship with me.  As stated in a previous blog post, I used to tell Dave that cliches become cliches because they are tried and true words that have been used to remind people over and over again.  It's best just to accept the cliches as someone's attempt to express their condolences and concern.


I am glad to be back in Australia, as much as I am glad to be anywhere and I am confident that the Lord is providing all I need and has a purpose and plan for my life, which I suppose is why He kept me here on this earth when He took Dave home to be with Him.  As my brother-in-law pointed out to me, I would have had to start all over again even if I stayed in the States, so I may as well be here.  I am thankful for the loving support of friends and family and especially the generosity of Karen and Steve who have allowed me to make their home, my home and have given so much that I could never begin to repay them for their kindness.  I am thankful for Dave's family who have made me their family and without whose love and kindness, I would be wandering aimlessly through this grieving period.  The thing is, that my friends and family don't ask to be repaid and instead, seem to count it as an honour to be able to give to me in this way. I feel humbled that they love me and believe in me so much.


The first couple of paragraphs of this blog are fictional and yet inside them are still grains of fact.  There are some people who are finding it awkward to relate to me:  What if she cries?  She's probably too busy to hear from me...  What will I say to her?  Should I bring up the subject of "Dave"?  Why didn't she reply to my email that I sent her in the week after Dave passed away?  What if she doesn't want to talk to me?  What if....?  Man, what are you all thinking??!!!  I am still me. Yes, I have been through a lot of changes and yes, I have changed, grown and moved forward, but I am still me.


Admittedly, I do cry from time to time, but usually I reserve that for the quietness at night when I am on my own.  I will cry with friends and family who put their arms around me, share with me and reminisce with me but we always have a tissue handy and we don't mind crying those tears together.  I like talking about Dave and the times we had together.  He is a part of me, a part of who I have become and I love him so much.  I have no regrets and no reason to shun that part of my life.  I am thankful for what I was able to share with him, even though we were only married a short time.  I am not too busy to make time for friends and family but please don't wait for me to call or email you.  You have my phone number or email - use it if you want to.  I wouldn't have given it to you if I didn't want to stay in touch. 


Thank you for sending me an email, cards, flowers and/or condolences in the week after Dave passed away. That week is a blur to me and my friend Maurine told me that I was in shock.  All I remember was lots of people being around, Maurine asking me what I had eaten and handing me food to eat and eating an orange for breakfast. But everything and everyone is a blurred memory.  Nathan had printed up some of the Facebook messages and emails I received that week but I hadn't really had the desire to read through them and now they are all packed away in the boxes being shipped over here.  I know that I was wondering why I hadn't heard from someone and when I flipped through the emails, found one from that person.  I also know that just before I left the States, I was going through my emails and found one from someone I hadn't heard from in years.  I have 177 emails in my inbox and some have been replied to, some haven't.  Please do not feel that I didn't appreciate your expression of condolences because I did and I am thankful.


The other day I was talking to a good friend on Skype when she commented that I needed to update the details of my 'place', from Reardan, to Australia.  I told her I wasn't ready yet and she understood.  About a month ago, I was going to update my Facebook status from married to 'widow' but again, I wasn't ready to and I'm still not ready to.  It's not that important.  Yesterday, I went to VicRoads to change my licence so that my last name is Flowers and they said they didn't accept my international marriage certificate, so now I have to go to the registry of births, deaths, marriages etc and find out how to do it.  Paperwork gets so tiresome!!!

Anyway, if you've been tiptoeing around me, wondering what response you'll get from me:


"Boo!"