Last night when I was lying in bed, I was looking out the window at the night sky, thinking about Dave, thinking about being home here and really not wanting to go back to Australia. I know in my head that it's the practical thing to do and that I have to do it, but leaving here is like leaving my heart behind right now. "Here" is where I placed all my heart, my things, my hopes and my dreams. I left so much to be here. I didn't burn bridges and I didn't cut my losses in Australia but I didn't expect to be going back there anytime soon without Dave.
On our first anniversary, (our red-neck anniversary) Dave said that it's hard to believe it's only a year when so much has happened. He added that things can only get better because it was a really tough year for us. Circumstances did not allow us to have a 'normal' first year of marriage, we barely had any time to just be newly weds and have fun with just the two of us. There's a part of me that is resentful of the fact we didn't have newly wed memories. We had good times and made some fun memories but it seems like we were often led by the circumstances rather than plotting our own course.... until the last couple of months anyway.
So last night as I looked around at all the stuff in my bedroom, 'counting' it, thinking about what I need to ship away, it hurt bad. It's only 'things' but it represents so much more. Although it's only been 52 days, 10 hours and 40 minutes, it's been a lifetime since Dave passed away. The focus on these last weeks has been on getting our home ready for an Estate Sale and getting me ready to go back to Australia. It doesn't seem like there's been enough time to just really sit and grieve for all that I've lost, grieve for my husband Dave.
Maybe it has. Maybe this is God's way of moving me forward and getting me ready for the next moment in my life. I know that He does have a purpose for my life and I know that He directs my steps and leads me on. Still, I have questions that don't have any answers. I am glad for the assurance that He is the one carrying me through this time, I just wish that it didn't hurt so much and that there were certainties for this life that I could hold on to.
Well, guess it's time to go upstairs and attack the bedroom, sort it out, figure out what clothes to take, what clothes to give to charity, gather all the stuff that I will be shipping out and make sure I have everything I think I will want. How do I know what I will miss when all is said and done? I know that when I came here, there were some things I wish I hadn't given away and left behind. I guess it will be the same this time too.
I procrastinate because it is all so overwhelming at times.
1 comment:
Wonderful!
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