Make A Decision and Be At Peace

Today was a sad day and yet I was more at peace than I have been in a while.  Yesterday wasn't a good day which you probably figured out from the blog post I wrote but today was different.  It must have been your prayers!  I was sad though.  Driving to Walmart, I was missing Dave (as usual) so cried 'discreet' tears and in Walmart I was thinking about Dave (still) and holding back the tears.  You know how sometimes you see people walking around looking really sad, with their head down, their feet shuffling along and they might get asked, "Who died?"  Well, I was thinking that if someone saw me today, they could ask me that question. 

I went to Dean's Diner to buy a huckleberry shake as that is something I won't be able to get when I return to Australia.  Still feeling sad, I ordered my shake and then noticed the "Mule Day Mania, Reardan" tshirts and of course, I had to have one.  Dave and I went to the Mule Day parade event this year - we went last year too and we enjoyed our time together.  Anyway, the lady asked me where I was from because of my accent and usually I just say Reardan but because I was feeling so sad today, I blurted out the whole story, punctuated by my tears so she gave me a hug... But she still wanted the money for the shake and TShirt - go figure. ☺

So anyway, it was a sad day and yet it was a good day.  For all the help I've had from family and friends getting ready for the Estate Sale tomorrow and the rest of the weekend, I can't even find the words to adequately express how thankful I am.  It has truly been amazing to me how wonderful they've been and I feel honoured that they would do so much for me!!!

I have a lot on my mind and I have a lot of decisions and things to give consideration to.  Dave used to tell me that one of my weaknesses was that when I had to make a decision, I would go and discuss it with 'many' friends and get their opinions and he'd add that I needed to learn to make a decision with self-confidence.  I've been thinking about that because I know that what he said was true.  I do have a tendency to talk much about things like that but it is also part of how I process my thoughts by talking about it.  It would frustrate him when I did that because he wanted to fix it and sometimes it wasn't about fixing, just about sorting/talking it through. (I love him so much!  It's so good to remember so many little, good things as well as the good memories we shared in the short time we were together!)

In the past there have been times when I've made decisions, had peace from God about it, then listened to others and gotten 'distracted' and flustered because of their opinion instead of just being content.  I need to remember the lessons I have learned from the past and the truthful words Dave spoke and pray about those things.  When I make a decision I know to be right, I need to stick with it if I have God's peace on it.

Do Not Be Anxious About Anything......

I'm really tired and think I will have a much earlier night than I have lately. Last night I had dinner at Nick and Jennifer's and the last few nights, Sonya and I have been playing games of "Words With Friends" on Facebook.  I enjoy all that but I also need to get some sleep.

I'm anxious today with so many things to think about, decisions to make and sometimes I just cry out, "Please, I just want some security/stability in my life!"  I just want something to go right and to help this walk along the garden trail ease up a little.   It seems so rocky at the moment, uphill and ever so hard.   I know there are pretty flowers in the garden with a sweet fragrance and I am so thankful for the blessings of friendship and family in my life but it's the practical, logistics of stuff that I want settled.

1. My car - It needs to be sold but now it appears that it might be difficult because it was in an accident years ago so people can't get financing for it.  Dave had seen that it had been in an accident but had said it was only 'cosmetic' and not going to cause any mechanical problems.  We didn't need to borrow the money, so it didn't matter.  The problem is, I need to sell it before I go back to Australia and I need the money so I can buy a car when I am in Australia.
2. The Estate Sale - That is on this weekend and there is a lot of things, including junk that will be sold.  It has been a lot of hard work preparing for it and I am VERY thankful for the family and friends who have given me so much of their time and energy to help me get ready for it.  While I am at times immobilised by my grief and sorrow, being overwhelmed by so much to be done, they keep chopping away at it all and are very patient with me on top of that.
3. A Job - I am applying for jobs in Australia and sending off applications but so far, I haven't even reached an interview stage.  I want the job situation settled so that I will know where I'll be living, know how I'll be living (finances wise) and at least will have one less thing that is uncertain about my future.
4. The Phone Bill - Dave had 4 of us and himself on a family plan which was a very reasonable plan for our cell phones so when he passed away, I cancelled his phone line and became the person 'in charge' of the plan.  Last month, the bill was what I expected.  This month however, it has doubled and it shouldn't have.  I called about it today and they were going to call me back but didn't.  I can't afford that much!!!
5. I was typing up the inventory with all the listed prices and then the "bottom line" prices on an excel spreadsheet.  I put a lot of work into it, clicked save after I had printed it out, then closed out the program.  However, when I clicked save, I didn't save it into a folder and it is gone.  I have to retype/redo the whole thing again.
6. Luggage for the Bus - When I leave here, I am going to take a bus from Spokane to where Dave's parents live but the bus ticket says I can only take one suitcase and I want/need to take two.  I will have to find out tomorrow if I can pay for the extra suitcase.
7. Saying Goodbye - Saying goodbye is never easy but it seems like every time someone leaves, I have to say it.  The assumption is that I will come back and they will come to Australia to visit me but my heart is doubtful about them coming over.  It is a long trip and not very cheap.
8. The House - Needs to go on the market and needs to be sold. 

It just all hurts so much.  I know all the 'cliches'.  I used to tell Dave that cliches are proven truths that people have repeated over time until we've heard them so much, we think they're cliches.  I know that God has a plan for my life and that all these things will be settled.  I know that God loves me more than I can imagine and that He provides everything I need at the right time.  I know that how I feel is all just part of grieving and that it will get better.  Rhonda said that it would be understandable if I was terrified at times.  I am not terrified because I am sure that God is holding me tight but I am certainly anxious about these things.

I also know the verse:

 "Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Phil. 4:6,7

I need to remember and act upon that!  

Good Grief

I was thinking today that 'grief' isn't bad.  It is a natural process of dealing with loss.  If we didn't grieve, then we haven't lost anything to grieve about.  But the thing about grief is that it's so entwined with our emotions, with reality and with our memories, that it becomes unpredictable... which is why we are counselled not to make any major decisions in the first year of our grief. ☺ The problem with that counsel is that life goes on and we must go on too.

Since Dave passed away, (55 days, 14 hours and 20 minutes ago) my grief has led me in different directions, twisting and pulling at my heart, making me worry about one thing, causing me to misunderstand good intentions, jumbling up words when I speak, feeling happy, sad, hurt, lost, empty, hopeful.......and there are even times I feel like I am coping well.  Coping well gives a false sense of security because then I think I've got it all under control and I'm 'good to go'.  While I'm coping well, I have a hint of guilt because I wonder if that means I've moved on since Dave has gone and didn't love him as deeply as I thought.  

On the weekend, I was working on the clothes in the closet, both Dave's and mine, trying to figure out what I should keep, pack and what I should throw away.  I was sitting on the floor folding clothes and feeling like I was coping well despite the circumstances.  Dan (Dave's brother) had found my Keith Urban CD tucked away in the office so was playing it to see if it still worked.  I was enjoying the music and then the song that Dave and I used to walk on our wedding day, came on, "Only You Can Love Me This Way".

Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand

That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way

Well, so much for coping well.  Even now when I read those words again, tears start rolling down my cheeks. 

And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way

The problem is, when it all becomes too much, he isn't here.  I cried.  I walked down to the pasture to nuzzle with the horses but I walked slowly and the tears blurred my vision so instead I sat on a rock and cried some more.  On my way back to the house, I saw that the horses had gone into the corral, so I took Dave's horse Stormy and groomed her, combed her mane and her tail and when I was done, went back inside the house and sorted out some more of the closet.

The house is so empty now and the weather has turned cold with grey skies.  It rained during the night.  Time is slipping by and it will be too soon before I leave my home here and return to Australia.  I still haven't sold my car which must be done before I leave, I still don't have a job which means I can't find my own home to live in until I do and there are still more goodbyes to said.  Needless to say, I feel a little anxious about the future and feel a bit emotionally vulnerable.   But, I know that God does understand all, does love me 'extravagantly' and He does know what I need. 

I went and checked emails this morning and smiled when I read this:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27 And then there was a quote from Sir Winston Churchill: When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened. In my grief, I understand that I do have to place today and my future into God's hands.  It's OK to cry, to be in pain, to feel like my heart is breaking, to wonder what normal is anymore and to wonder what is going to happen.  It's OK to grieve but I need to remember that God loves me far more deeply than I can imagine and that I am valuable to Him.  He is right here with me, carrying me, holding me, giving me all that I need and for all of that, I am so very thankful! Hey look!  The sun is trying to peep through the grey clouds.

Walk This Journey On My Own

Tears, Loneliness, Empty,
Love, Friendship, Alone
Torn, Hopeful, Hopeless,
Heartbroken, Sorrow, Pain

Friends cite well-meant words
They want to help carry the burden
But they can't
This is my journey
To walk on my own

Tissues soak up the tears
But the tears keep coming
They stop for a moment
Then pour down again

Falling in love
Loving friends and family
Giving my heart
But when they leave
I walk on my own

I once said to Dave that it seems like it would be easier to not love at all, to not care because then I wouldn't get hurt. He told me that we were created to love, to give, to care and we become more like Christ when we do.  He pointed out the ugly alternative to kindness, loving and caring.  I have heard the quote "It is better to love and to have lost, than to have never loved at all." 

I just want Dave alive again.  I want him to come comfort me, put his strong arms around me and hold me tight.  I want him to say the words that I need to hear that no one else can say because they're his words.  Except if he was here, those words wouldn't need to be said.  But now that he is gone, I have to walk on my own.

I know there is hope in Christ and that He is carrying me through all this.  All my memories, all the treasures that Dave and I shared, the home that we shared, the dreams, the hope for more, is all packed away.  And I am alone in our home, having to walk this journey on my own.  There is no one on this earth who can make it all better for me, no matter how much they want to... they know it, and I know it. 

And all too soon, I will leave our home and go back to Australia.  Was my much-too-short time here with Dave, the love and life I lived here, the friendships and love for family, worth all the pain I now feel, the pain of leaving?  I am changed.  I am a little different despite people thinking I am the same.  My home is not here anymore.  Did I read (or maybe hear in a song) that it's good to feel like that because then it gets us thinking about where our 'real' home is, where our real treasure is.. Heaven.  I know that is true but it doesn't stop the hurt of being here to walk this journey on my own.

Now, in addition to the sorrow of not having my very-much loved husband here with me, I will be saying goodbye to friends and family who have such a hold on my heart too.  The pain continues and increases as the goodbyes are said or unsaid but still there.  I know I have to walk this journey on my own but how much more pain can I endure??? I hate goodbyes!  I hate leaving, knowing that wherever I end up on this earth, Dave will not be there to welcome me home.

I have to walk this journey on my own. 

(Yes I know, I walk it with Christ by my side.. but on this part of the journey, I am walking on my own with regards to there being no one from earth, by my side.)

Leaving Without My Whole Heart

Last night when I was lying in bed, I was looking out the window at the night sky, thinking about Dave, thinking about being home here and really not wanting to go back to Australia.  I know in my head that it's the practical thing to do and that I have to do it, but leaving here is like leaving my heart behind right now.  "Here" is where I placed all my heart, my things, my hopes and my dreams.  I left so much to be here.  I didn't burn bridges and I didn't cut my losses in Australia but I didn't expect to be going back there anytime soon without Dave.

On our first anniversary, (our red-neck anniversary) Dave said that it's hard to believe it's only a year when so much has happened.  He added that things can only get better because it was a really tough year for us.  Circumstances did not allow us to have a 'normal' first year of marriage, we barely had any time to just be newly weds and have fun with just the two of us.  There's a part of me that is resentful of the fact we didn't have newly wed memories.  We had good times and made some fun memories but it seems like we were often led by the circumstances rather than plotting our own course.... until the last couple of months anyway.

So last night as I looked around at all the stuff in my bedroom, 'counting' it, thinking about what I need to ship away, it hurt bad.  It's only 'things' but it represents so much more.  Although it's only been 52 days, 10 hours and 40 minutes, it's been a lifetime since Dave passed away.  The focus on these last weeks has been on getting our home ready for an Estate Sale and getting me ready to go back to Australia.  It doesn't seem like there's been enough time to just really sit and grieve for all that I've lost, grieve for my husband Dave. 

Maybe it has.  Maybe this is God's way of moving me forward and getting me ready for the next moment in my life.  I know that He does have a purpose for my life and I know that He directs my steps and leads me on.  Still, I have questions that don't have any answers.  I am glad for the assurance that He is the one carrying me through this time, I just wish that it didn't hurt so much and that there were certainties for this life that I could hold on to.

Well, guess it's time to go upstairs and attack the bedroom, sort it out, figure out what clothes to take, what clothes to give to charity, gather all the stuff that I will be shipping out and make sure I have everything I think I will want.  How do I know what I will miss when all is said and done?  I know that when I came here, there were some things I wish I hadn't given away and left behind.  I guess it will be the same this time too.

I procrastinate because it is all so overwhelming at times.

I Remember

As I enter this blog post, I dramatically proclaim:  "I just don't see how it's all going to fall into place! I have nothing definite to go on and though it's only been 52 days, it seems forever since Dave was here in his place by my side, in our home, together!!! And..!! To top it all off, I have to sell a car, have an Estate sale at the end of the month, need to ship off 2 crates of stuff back to Australia, pack 2 suitcases worth of clothing for the next 3 months and figure out what paperwork needs to be done, what paperwork must be kept aside and, hey, who knows if, when I get back to Australia, the government will be appreciative of my return?  Can someone just cut me a break or send a miracle my way?"

On the way home from work this afternoon, I drove into the Walmart parking lot and my thoughts had turned to one of the times that Dave's mouth had spoken words that he hadn't thought through first.  I thought about my response at that time and wanted to change it.  Not in a 'good way', I am not a saint!  I wanted to tell him that he should be here and that he shouldn't have wasted the little time we had but should have made the most of being together!  Then of course, those thoughts turned to tears and I had to rechannel my thinking.  

I remember the 'remorseful' look he had when he knew he had hurt me.  I remember how his eyes would ask me to forgive him.  What he couldn't seem able to accept was that I believed in him and knew that he wanted more for this life, wanted to be a good husband, father, grandfather and friend but he struggled with being overwhelmed by his own feelings of inadequacies and hurts.  There was a lot of good in Dave including in his past, but it became overshadowed by his anger, poor choices that he'd made, his hurt and others' rejection of him.  

He had a very generous heart.  If he knew of a family member or friend who needed practical help, he would drop everything to reach out to that person.  People knew they could count on him.  

Dave was very gentle with animals.  He hated to see animals suffer and when his own animals had to be put down or were taken away, he would grieve the loss.  He would play with Riley when he got home and Riley would jump up and lick him to death, try and be a lap dog (labrador - lap dog? I don't think so!) and stick as close to Dave as he could when Dave was outside. 

As for me, I remember what it felt like to have his hands caress my face, to feel his strong arms wrapped around me and to feel his fingers play with my hair.  I remember what it felt like when I would nestle into his shoulder and he would put his arm around me and I felt so contented.  I know that often I would try to capture the moment, that I would study him and with my finger, trace his eyebrows, his lips, the curve of his jaw.  He would lie there unmoving while I did,watching me, not saying a word and he'd look so relaxed. 

I remember how his eyes would light up when he was playing with his grandchildren.  He would get down on the floor and move the truck along and he would hold the grandbaby in his arms and look down at her so lovingly.   I remember how his eyes would flash when another truck driver would cut in front of him and when an RV towing a boat pushed in front and caused Dave to slow the truck down or else that guy would have had his boat smashed up.  He told me his eyes were green but they always looked so blue.  I remember the way he looked 'down' at me and his eyes communicated the message of love very clearly. 

When he was driving long-haul, there were a couple of times during the Summer in 2010 when we would go exploring in the bush on his days off. 

 He always noticed little things such as the start of a dam by a beaver, the marks a woodpecker would leave, the rattlesnake.  Once, he ushered me behind him so that I would be safe from the rattlesnake and he told me later that if I hadn't been with him, he would have tried to bag it but he'd thought I would probably 'freak' out or go the wrong way.  I assured him that if he told me to do something, I trusted him enough that I would do it.  I remember the look he gave me when I said that and I looked back at him and he knew that I did trust him with my life.

One of the other things I admired about Dave was his hands.  They were so big and strong and showed the marks of someone who has worked hard in his life.  I felt protected by him when I was with him.  All that I remember and want to keep remembering.  If only I could have had more time with him and made more memories.  Fifty-two days have gone past and although the days have been full, part of me feels so empty without him.

 

Imagine

On the way to work this morning, I was listening to the song, "I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe and I started thinking about Dave in Heaven.  I was thinking about him being free of this world, rid of his old, abused and weary body, walking around, laughing, smiling and knowing what it is to be loved unconditionally and completely, being able to 'live' without any pain, hurt, rejection and regrets.  It hurt me that he isn't here but then I thought how wonderful it is for him now. 

Today I had the privilege again of working at the Christian school, eating lunch with other staff members and sharing stories, laughs and memories.  When I was watching kids in the playground, a 5th grader asked me how it was all going and I told him fine and asked him the same.  He replied, "Not too bad.  It could be worse." The fifth grade teacher standing next to me, put her arm around me and said, "Mrs Flowers certainly knows that!" 

Because everything is starting to close in, sympathy, hugs and concerned tones of voices can cause me to weep.  Yesterday morning, Darwin told me to read a devotional reading that said, "Crying is the cure for weeping" and while that is true, weeping is so much more discreet when out in public.  I used to enjoy driving because it gave me time to think and process things.  Now when I drive, I have to keep trying to change my thinking and think of:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs...

As I drove home, I was thinking about how it seems like forever since Dave was alive, here with me.  Everything I feel, do and say is laborious at times, going through the motions and I've lost such a big part of me.  I'm trying to figure out who I am, what I enjoy, who I was before I come to the States, what it is that makes up 'me' including music and pretty things but also including the things that have enriched my life since being here; my horses, my friends and family here, my work at the Christian school.  It is so difficult to convey what I feel and don't feel.  

I tried going shopping for a birthday/Christmas present for Nathan and it's not that I don't want to get him something special, it's just that I find it really hard to shop right now.  I look at things that Dave and I looked at buying 'one day' for our home and things that could have made our home more homely.  Then I think about the fact that I don't have a home when I go back to Australia and that I don't even know what will fit, what I need, what I will want so I can't really buy anything anyway.  Besides, if I've only got 2 suitcases to live out of for the next 3 months, I have to be economical in what I do purchase especially after Monday when all my stuff gets shipped away.

I booked my tickets for leaving the States last night and I guess now it is starting to become 'final' as my time here slips by so quickly.  Saying 'goodbye' to people who are a part of my life is NOT easy.  Even tonight, when Alan, Tina and Nick were here, I was holding on to my horse Dee and Dave's horse, Stormy and just patting them, rubbing my face against their neck, 'kissing' Dee, talking to them, asking Stormy if she misses Dave, too.  I enjoyed playing with them but another one of those 'wish Dave was here' type thoughts. 

There is so much to think about and so much to do in the next few weeks and I wonder if I will remember what needs to be done.  Paperwork, knowing what to pack to ship over, what to keep out to pack in my suitcase. Tomorrow I will have to go through my closets, pack stuff into the armoire, dresser and night table.  I will have to make sure that I put my car on Craig's List to sell and hopefully it will sell very soon.  I think about all the Aussie words and expressions I'm going to have to revert back to using and I'll be able to stop pronouncing my 'r's and talk more Aussie again.  One thing I am looking forward to is roast lamb dinners, dim sims, sausage rolls and pasties at Connells and walking along the beach.  

So anyway, I was listening to the song I think reflects Dave and his life so well which is called, "Blessings" by Laura Story.  I listened and sung through most of the song when it was playing in my car and those words at the end spoke to my heart again.  

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching(s) of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I Wanted To Tell Dave Today

I missed Dave again today which is not a surprise I know, but I missed him not being/coming home.  I worked at the Christian school today and had such a good time, as I always do when I work there.  The staff are so friendly and even the children enjoy me teaching them.  When I have worked there other times, Dave has always enjoyed me sharing with him stories about the kids and about the staff.  He was always pleased that I felt affirmed for my work there and he was glad that I felt a part of the school.

I wanted to tell him about:

• The girl in kindergarten who wanted her 'sanitizer'.  He would have laughed about that - so different to the world we grew up in.
• The boy in 2nd grade who kept spilling his water from the water bottle on his desk.  He couldn't find the lid so I moved the bottle to a safer place until he did find the lid.
• The 4th grade children who cheered when they found out that I would be in their classroom tomorrow and they wanted to know if I would be bringing the koala in or if I would be bringing some Aussie music in.  (I must hunt to see if I can unpack something) When their teacher told them I was going back to Australia, they asked if "Mr Flowers" would be going with me, so she had to explain about him passing away..
• The boy in 5th grade who kept saying, "G'day".

I wanted to tell him about how all the staff seemed so happy to see me and gave me hugs, how Shelley had to come and find me because I was a few minutes late for her class due to a couple of the other staff members who wanted to hear bits and pieces of my story, how Heidi had given me such a wonderful reference, how a few of the ladies will be coming out to my place on Sunday for a girls-only party.  I can picture the smile on his face when he heard those things.

I wanted to tell him about how I stayed at Janice's and Darwin's and how Darwin had wanted to pick his brain about something but then he'd gone and passed away and we missed that opportunity, that I had downloaded Skype for Janice so that we could stay in touch when I returned to Australia and that Darwin wanted me to read a devotional book so we could compare notes via Skype.

I wanted to tell him how both attorneys had been so good and supportive to me and one had even told me that he prayed for me daily. 

I wanted to tell him how Maurine had helped me figure out a 'plan of attack' for the days leading up to the Estate Sale and how she'd given me some very practical ideas and how much her friendship has meant to me.....

I wanted to tell him so much!  I wanted to really tell him how blessed we are in the friendships we have here in our little niche in this world.  When I came home Riley came bounding towards me and the neighbour who had looked after him the night before came and checked up on me, too.   It has been so incredible to me to discover how loved I am, how many wonderful, loving people have embraced me at this grieving period in my life.  If I haven't mentioned your name here, it doesn't mean that your name hasn't crossed my heart - it has more than a time or two.  But right now, I just wish Dave was home so I could tell him all these things.  But then, if he was home, I wouldn't be online typing at this time of night when I really need to go to bed because I am working tomorrow... and I'm looking forward to that!

Never Once... In My Grief

This morning when I was showering, I had to open a new bottle of conditioner.  As I opened it, I remembered where it came from.  I had bought it from Walmart but when I was unpacking groceries, I couldn't find it anywhere so the next day, I went out and bought another large bottle.  Weeks later, Dave came home and handed me the bottle of conditioner and said, "I got this for you" and when I asked where he'd gotten it from, he said "From the store".  Dave doesn't ever go shopping and then he admitted he'd found it in the back of the Suburban that day.  Another time, he came home and handed me a bottle of diet coke that had somehow rolled under the seat in the truck.  I remembered when I'd lost it and had looked all through my car, under the truck and in the truck but it didn't turn up until weeks later either.  He was always amused when he found little things like that for me.

As I've gone through this day, it seems like so many songs keep coming to my mind.  I do not understand people who don't enjoy music or who aren't moved by lyrics and/or wordless music. 

The first song was "Friends" with the lyrics: "Packing up the dreams God planted, in the fertile soil of you..." and my mind crossed to the thought that tomorrow a guy will be coming in to assess all the things I will be taking back to Australia with me.  He will put a price on the memories and sentiment that I can store into a couple of crates.  I will be packing up all the dreams and plans I'd had shared with Dave.  As the song went on, I thought about how hard it will be to say goodbye to my family and friends here.  I can envision being a blubbering mess on that 24 hour flight (and layover time) from here to there.

Another song which really touches me is sung by Matt Redman called, "Never Once" and the lyrics go like this: 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Bridge

Scars and struggles on the way 

But with joy our hearts can say 

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Carried by Your constant grace 

Held within Your perfect peace 

Never once, no, we never walk alone 

Ending Chorus

Never once did we ever walk alone 

Never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace 

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

I wrote on Facebook today that it's a day for eating cake and chocolate, staying in the house and not answering the phone.  I know that people love me and are doing all they can to support me and show love to me in practical ways and by just being there, but there's a part of me that recognises that I have to walk on this garden trail alone at times... well alone, but with the Lord by my side.. or Him carrying me.  What I am going through is unique to my situation and it's sometimes easy for me to think that this hurts so much that no one else really can understand, no one else has any idea of just how painful this time is. 

I don't want to be so wrapped up in my own pain, so debilitated by my grief, that I can't empathise with the trials others are going through.  My mum always said, "You can't compare pain" and yet, here I am, comparing my pain. 

Checklist: 

1. Loss of Spouse - Nth degree of grief and aloneness.  No support from my beloved, while I go through the other painful issues such as...
2. Homeless - Not only that but moving to another country where I won't be in my own home.
3. Unemployed - Applying for jobs in a different country to where I am living now
4. Physical Pain or Sickness - OK, well that one I can't check.
5. Saying "goodbye" - I have made so many friends and family and I love them so much and now I am leaving them.

I want to be me, the bubbly, confident woman that others used to see and not be a woman who jumps at every perceived noise coming from mouths of others, the unknown or indifference... or something, I don't know.  I don't want to be "needy" so that others feel I can't hear their pain or that they can't get sympathy or support from me.  And yet, I also feel I have a right to be in emotional turmoil, to not be able to take more than one step at a time, to say things that don't make sense because of my hurt and for people to be understanding and make allowances for me because of my grief.   But I feel guilty for thinking I have a right to be in emotional turmoil too. ☺

There is a part of me though,if I dig down deep enough, that knows the seed of hope is still there.  I know that sometime, one day, I will blossom again, the pretty colours of the flower garden will dance in the sunshine, if I just keep moving forward.

Snippets Of Dave and Me

A couple of days before Dave passed away, we were sitting on the loveseat recliner, his arm around me, talking about Dianne's wedding that was supposed to be on the 6th August.  I said to him that this will be our first 'official' function as husband and wife and as well, we were going to be Father and Mother of the bride.  He commented that there will be a few people there that won't even know him, let alone, us.  It was nice just talking about things like that, together.   A lot of people didn't know Dave and me as an "us" and one of the things that sort of twinged a little, was when sympathy cards were sent to the Flowers Family and it was all about who Dave was as a dad and quite a few didn't even mention his wife.

So anyway, I thought I'd give a few little anecdotes about Dave and me... us.  Unfortunately for the first six months of our marriage, Dave was a long haul driver so he would be gone 5-10 days and then be home for maybe 48 hours if we were lucky and most of that time he would be catching up on sleep.  When he was on the road, he called me every day, a few times a day and he would push hard so that he could get home as soon as he could.  Of course, with all the pushing hard, he was tired when he got home and his employer would take advantage of the fact he worked so quickly and efficiently and send him out again as soon as possible.  That frustrated Dave a lot and it got so that he would be feeling nauseous every time he had to leave for work.  It was so much better when he got the new job this year and was home mostly every night.

Whenever Dave was talking to people, he would rarely think to introduce me.  He always assumed that I had been around for ever, or so it seemed,so they would know who I was.   I told him once, it was safer to assume that I didn't know anyone.  One day after a basketball match in Reardan, he was talking to someone who I had never met before so I gave a little tug on his hand, a gentle kick to his ankles and he laughed and told them what I had done and introduced me.  He said to them that he had forgotten that I didn't know them.

A few weeks later, we were in the Spokane arena talking with a group of people after the match and Dave actually introduced me to Gary.  He was so proud of himself which made me smile.  He talked/laughed about it with Gary and congratulated himself on remembering.  We moved away from that group and talked to another person but I had to introduce myself because he was so excited about remembering the last time, he forgot this time. 

Because Dave and I had both been married before, because I was from Australia and from a completely different lifestyle, there were lots of adjustments we had to make and even more so for me.  I found it frustrating that I was trying to adjust to a new lifestyle without even having the support and presence of my husband.  He was so used to this lifestyle, that everything was second nature to him and he would forget that I didn't know some things.   Anyway, one time when he'd growled at me for something, I went for a walk down towards the back of the pasture and I sat down in the shrubs and prayed out loud to God and cried.   I can still picture Dave who came to me, with his coffee mug in his hand and said to me, "Does talking to yourself help?"  He then added kindly, "It's hard for both of us.  It's hard to figure out why on earth we got married, isn't it?"  I looked up at him and said that I knew for sure why I married him and wanted to spend the rest of my life being with him and loving him.  Dave looked at me and responded something to the effect then, "Well guess it's all good then" and I got up and together, hand in hand, walked back to the house talking about all sorts of other things. 

But for Dave, accepting my unconditional love, having me believe in him and accept him for who he was, having me look up to him was very difficult for him to really believe because of the bitter divorce he'd had, because of other rejection he'd suffered over the years - some of that through his own poor choices.  He told his brother Dan a couple of weeks before he passed away, that he was terrified of how much he loved me because he didn't see what he had to offer, or why I would love him.  But Dave always knew that I loved him even if he couldn't understand it.

On a Sunday afternoon, the kitchen tap had been steadily dripping so Dave took it all apart, after we'd been to Lowes for parts and worked on fixing it.  He admitted he hated plumbing and as he took the handle apart, also confessed that he'd never done that before.  I stood there admiring him and telling my son Nathan, how incredible Dave was.  I looked sideways at Dave and could see a little smile and twinkle in his eye as he lapped up the praise I gave him.  He knew I was genuine in my admiration of him.  Even when he did something wrong under the sink and water gushed over his head and shoulders a little later, he almost shrugged it off, because he felt pleased about having been able to fix it.

One time Dave and I went into Lowe's Hardware and there were wheelchairs to the right and motorized chairs to the left.  Dave said that he would sit in one of them and have me push him around the store, then he noticed the motorized ones and said they would work better.  I told him laughingly that he really would prefer me to push him around so that he could order me around, "Go faster! Turn left! Turn right!  Go this way!  Why did you go that way?"  We both thought it really funny.   What wasn't funny was that the day after Dave passed away, I went to the airport to pick up his son James and his family and I saw the wheelchairs there at the entrance and thought about how Dave and I had joked about it.  It was kind of bittersweet.

Dave was not good at expressing himself out loud but he had ways of "telling" me what he could not say.  We were watching a chick flick one night.  I can't remember the name of it.  As usual, we were sitting on the recliner, cuddling, and the girl gently requested the guy to tell her how he really felt.  I was sitting there thinking about how sweet that was and how nice it would be to hear Dave say those things when I felt him pull me a little tighter to himself and when I looked at him, he was looking at me, smiling and squeezed my shoulder.

Dave and I loved cuddling when we were lying in bed and he would always hold me tight throughout the night.  Sometimes though, I would try to just get a little more space and would inch away.  Even while he was sleeping, he would feel me move and wrap his arms even more tightly around me so that I couldn't move.  If I did manage to move away, he would come closer until sometimes I would be right on the edge of the bed.  When morning came, he would say that I took up all the space in the bed.  One time in the middle of the night, he kicked me hard and the next morning he was complaining of a sore leg.  I told him it was probably because he had kicked me so hard during the night.  He repeated that story a few times too.

When I went on our first overnight truck ride, we spent the night in the sleeper - or a few hours of the night anyway.  The sleeper was a single sized bed and the mattress was hard.  To move my arm, I would have to sit up and lie down again because I had to sleep on the wall side.  Dave was complaining about the hard mattress and no room so I cheerfully said to him, "It's just like camping!"  His reply was there was more room in a tent and even the air mattress would be more comfortable. 

I enjoyed going on truck rides with Dave this year and he enjoyed me tagging along too.  He told me that it doesn't seem like work when I'm with him and the time went much quicker.  I liked it because it meant I had his undivided attention and when he was driving, with me by his side, he was at his best and not particularly stressed.  Some car drivers though, are foolish drivers around trucks!

One time we were going through the scales and the policeman there looked really grumpy so me, being me, smiled and waved at him.  The red sign came up and Dave had to park the truck and show all his papers to the cop.  When Dave came back to the truck 15 minutes later (which put us a bit behind) he told me that when he saw me smile and wave, he knew he'd have to show his papers.  They think if you smile and wave, you are trying to hide something.   Dave groaned about it as he chuckled and he loved repeating that story often!

Well, these are just a few little snippets and I guess as I continue blogging, more will be told. ☺ 

Little Things Unravel Me

Last night I was lying in bed, thinking of all the things I could blog about, mostly pertaining to the Women of Faith weekend.  Titles such as "Decisions", "Choices" and "Changes".  I had little anecdotes of things Dave and I did/said to illustrate those headings.  I went to sleep knowing that, while titles are well and good, this blog probably won't happen quite so succinctly.  I can make plans but if anything I have learnt since Dave passed away on August 2nd, is that plans don't always happen the way we want them to.  Over the last two days, we were reminded that no matter what our plans are, if they don't work out the way we hope, sometimes they work out even better.  While I know that is true, I can't see how there can be a better plan than Dave and I spending a few more years together but there is the hope that God will make it better.  Anyway, getting past the rambling on, I wanted to tell you, it's the little things that unravel me.

At 6:40am today, Riley (the dog) starts whining outside my bedroom door because he wants to get up and get at 'em for the day.  Riley likes chasing... mice, rabbits, birds, other dogs.  He's a black labrador and although he's sometimes teased as being 'stupid/dumb', he lives his life the best way he knows how.  I let him outside and he goes bounding off, probably to go play with the neighbour's dog and I consider staying up so that I can go to church this morning.  With some flimsy excuse that sounds reasonable to me, I crawl back into bed and sleep a couple more hours.

It rained last night and the rain dampened the top of the yard but didn't do anything to dampen the horses' water trough.  I woke up to the tin banging, and having heard this noise last week, I knew it wasn't the wind blowing the roof off.  There was no wind.  Zane, the 7yr old gelding leads the other 3 horses in their 'call' for more water.  Together, they kick at and push the water trough, making a loud noise and even succeed in moving the trough out of its original position.  I throw on some clothes from the night before and when I am close, scold them and tell them that if they left the trough in the place it's supposed to be, they would get water more quickly because I could go and turn the tap on before getting into the corral and pulling it back into place.  Once the water is on, Zane, Magic (22 yr old gelding) and Dee (my 6 yr old mare) put their noses into the trough and start licking at the water.  Zane taps the hose and it sprays upwards so he backs off startled and the other 2 also back off.  Moments later, they're back at it again and Stormy (5yr mare) looks for a place where she can nudge in and get some water.  Dee doesn't let her near so she moves around and pushes Magic out.  After watching the horses drink for a few moments, I head back towards the house.

Life for me has become a moment by moment way to live.  Little things unravel me.  As I walked back, I thought about how moments can affect me.  Now sometimes living by the moment isn't a bad thing because there are certainly moments of blessing that I would miss if I was just going by the bigger picture of the day.  But one moment can catch a few other moments until all those moments of little inconveniences spin me around and turn me upside down so that I'm not looking up or forward. 

Little things like:

1. I realised that I was missing an important letter from Dan and Rhonda.  I looked through all the mail pile on the kitchen counter, went to where I'd been sorting out bills in the office, checked the 'old' mail that was in the living room and went upstairs for my shower, still not knowing where that letter was. 
2. When I turned on the shower, cold water shot out at me and squirted me in the eye.  All I had to do was reach up and swipe at it and it went back to normal. 
3. Before I had even completely dried myself, I wrapped the towel around me thinking that maybe the letter was in the tote I had bought from the conference so I checked but it wasn't there.
4. I came downstairs (after dressing) and as I passed every possible pile of mail, I checked again.  I started thinking about what the letter had looked like and remembered that it had been a card.  I walked into the office and saw a card shaped envelope, picked it up and there it was!
5. My right wrist hurts and is weak.  It started hurting the weekend Dan and Rhonda were here helping sort through junk and I was spinning a box around and guess I spun it too much and may have twisted my wrist.  Today when I'm using it, it has a 'twang' of hurt.

It sounds so trivial but that kind of thing ties my stomach up in knots.  I am usually so organised and even though I knew it would be some place and would turn up, it irked at me until I was found.  I was even beginning to feel sick. 

Then there's other little things that show how I am either living by the moment, or living unraveled.  Usually the first thing I do is shower and I have never had a 'pjama day' and/or stayed in my pjamas past 10am.  At least twice this week though, I've kept the doors locked and not showered and dressed before 3pm... Once was even after 5pm.  Breakfast has almost become lunch and if lunch doesn't happen until late in the afternoon, it's highly doubtful I will have dinner.  Even today, I haven't had breakfast and it's almost 11:30am and yet, I am not hungry.  At least I know that I will be eating 2 slices of toast with tomato and grilled cheese.  Wait, now I am hungry.

Last night when I came home, I thought about all the things that I have to do over the next 2 days and I made a list so that I wouldn't forget.  Some of them are little things but important enough that I will need to remember to do them.

It seems unfair that I have to make lists, that I have to remember little things that in the past, were just second nature to me.  It seems unfair that when all those moments have passed, Dave will not be there to take me in his arms, without saying a word, and things will be right with the world again.  It seems unfair that I have to deal with so much on my own.  I didn't ask for or want this.  I wanted a life with Dave so we could do this together, so we could move forward together, helping each other through all that this life throws at us.  Together.

It's the little things that unravel me.  It's knowing that little things unravel me because I am travelling in this garden, this garden of grief.  A garden that has it's beautiful moments but also has the weeds of grief that choke us.

It's the little things that unravel me.

P.S.  Things like going to the fridge and there's no cheese there for my tomato and cheese grilled toast.... But I go and check out the back fridge and after considering putting cheese strips on my toast, I see some gouda cheese.  I have no idea when we bought it, how Gouda tastes but I am desperate for cheese on my tomato on toast so I use it anyhow.  I sample the gouda and it tastes good.

Women of Faith Spokane

I have just experienced an amazing two days of speakers and music!   When Maurine first asked me to go to WOF I said that since I was 'newly wed' I'd prefer to spend the time with Dave.  A couple of weeks ago she asked me again and said there was a spare ticket.  I knew what those two days would hold.  As I put on make up (a rare occurence) I debated about the mascara.  I knew there would be tears.  On the morning of the second day, I didn't bother with make up.

Grief.  Throughout the weekend, once again the grief of losing my husband was always uppermost in my thoughts.  As we sang worship songs to God and His faithfulness, I knew that He was carrying me through this difficult time and so gentle tears would slide down my cheeks.  As speakers and singers shared their story, shared how God had carried them through the trials of life, how God had provided their every need, I also reflected on the hope that God, in me, provides all that I need.

"What is God going to do with me now?"  There were two ways I asked this question.  One was with hope:  "Hey, God, what have you got in store for me?  What work are you going to do in my life?  What blessing are you going to bring out of this pain?"

The second way I asked that same question went like this:  "God??!! What are you going to do with me now?  How am I going to get past this hurt?  When I feel like running away, when I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore, when all I want to do is cry...? What are you going to do with me now, God?"

There was so much hope but it got mixed up with the hurt and I really hate being on the verge of tears and yet I know that grieving is healthy.  I need to process this and recognise that I'm not superwoman.  The speakers and singers who stood up on the stage had been through grief, trials, joys and they were real, just as I am real.  They spoke words of encouragement and hope.  It was awesome.  Mandisa's song of "Stronger" really touched me. 

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares...

Today, the 2nd day, Sandi Patty got up and not only sung but shared her story.  Sandi Patty.  Wow!  Twenty five or so years ago, I had all her albums - records, plastic, not CDs.  I had gone to one of her concerts and asked my singing teacher, "If I gave up my day job and trained/practised 24/7, would I be able to sing like her?"  He looked at me and gently, very gently, with a smile on his face said, "No."  Well, when I was there today and even last night when I realised she'd be there today, I thought about how wonderful it would be to meet Sandi Patty.  I even prayed about it and told God that I really felt that I needed that special blessing.  We were sitting in section 111 of the Spokane Arena and at the end of the event, were told that Sandi and other speakers would be in section 101. 

I headed out with my friends Linda and Maurine and saw a group of people lining up outside our section 111.  The line snaking around and out.  Then I saw a volunteer event person turn someone around saying, "This is the line for Sandi Patty".  I looked at her and asked her to repeat what she just said - the line was so short.  Without saying anything to Linda and Maurine who had walked further on, I went and lined up.  Thirty two people were allowed to see Sandi Patty.  I was number 29, I think.   I heard the girl behind me say she was from Reardan and I recognised her from basketball matches that Dave and I had gone to when watching Liz play.  We talked and she offered her condolences.  I kept trying to 'steel' myself to meet Sandi.  I didn't want to be a blubbering mess but by the time I got there, I just hugged her a couple times and we chatted briefly and I cried but she was so good.  I told her about Dave, told her about my singing teacher, told her I'd always enjoyed her singing etc and she told me how brave I was to even be there.  As we got our photo taken together, another lady standing nearby said, "Oh that's so beautiful.  So real!  This is what it's all about."   So, I got to meet Sandi Patty, hug her and tell her she was wonderful.  I felt so blessed!  

Once again, my Lord knew what I needed and over those two days, He provided and took care of my heart!!! 

Dave, My Beloved Husband!

I knew I loved him deeply but I didn't know how much until he was gone.
I knew he was a part of my life but I didn't realise how much I depended on him, how much I looked forward to him coming home and how much I loved sharing our life together until I realised that now I am on my own and I have to have a life without him.

I hold back the tears, scared that once they start flowing, they will never stop.  I am right about this and my pillow is now soaked, my cheeks are wet and the tears just keep coming.
I stand there, wanting to fall, bracing myself while my insides are torn up and my heart is breaking.  How.. why... did I love him so much?

Everyone around me has been so wonderful and their love and words touch me but when all is said and done, they go back to their homes, to their lives and I'm left here alone in the home that I shared with Dave and no matter how much I want him to come through that door, he won't. 

It's just as well that we learned how to breathe, to dress ourselves, to put food in our mouths when we are young, so when we hurt this badly, we can go through the motions, take a step at a time, move without thinking, knowing that one day, this too shall pass.

I read this from another woman's blog and I know exactly how she feels:  "I’ve not only lost him, I’ve lost me. Who I was, who I was functioning as. And while there are similarities to my life before [he passed away], I will now have to find a new direction, a new purpose, new goals. I will not be the same person.... I will not have the same future. It has all changed and right now it feels blank and very empty. I know it will take time, time and energy. I know that God will direct me in finding new purpose, but today it just feels like more death. The death again of all I believed would happen. The death of the old me." 

Now I face a future that has no certainties.  I am going back to Australia.  People say that I am going "home" to Australia but Australia is not my home.  I always said to Dave, wherever he is, that is my home.  Here is not my home anymore, either.  And yet is is.  Because this is where Dave and I had a home together and this is where he loved, where he lived, where he has so many memories - good and bad - and this is his home that he brought me into and made me his.  "Always and all yours" I said so often, I texted him so often, he is my beloved.

When I left Australia to come here, it was with a heart full of love, a heart full of hope and a heart full of dreams to share with him.  When I go back to Australia, I go back without him.

I pick myself up and realise that life goes on and that there will be a future for me.  I am glad that I don't drink alcohol because today would be tempting to drink myself into oblivion. I know that is not the answer, not a cure and really, I know that I wouldn't anyway. 

People admire me for my strength and vitality but I am just me and I wonder why I have to be the one to endure such heartache.  "Life is unfair" I have heard over and over again.  "We're about due for a miracle", I say to my attorney and brother-in-law Dan last week but to be honest, I don't expect one.  All I know is that God loves me and that He will help me get through this one step at a time and even though I hurt so much, He is carrying me and providing for me all that I need.

If you've read through all this, thank you.  ♥  I didn't write this for your sympathy or pity, I wrote it to share how I really feel and I guess, because I wanted to tell everyone just how much I loved Dave and miss him so much.  If it means you'll pray for me, again I thank you.  A couple people have told me they can't do much but they can pray and all I know is that is doing much more than we can do in our own strength.