Andrew

I started writing this blog a couple weeks ago but got distracted and busy and left it here in draft form so I will edit it now and hope to post it by the end of this night. When I started typing it, Andy was sitting watching Formula One racing on TV getting his 'sports fix' as he was up visiting here for the weekend. While he was absorbed in the racing, I painted his 2 big toenails, one with a pink heart, the other with a pink C. It may not look pretty but it was fun. He is very tolerant.

When I was writing up my last assignment for this semester, as usual I procrastinated, struggled, stayed up late (but not too late) and got very tired. Andy got on Skype since he lives interstate and while I studied, he read a book and watched TV but kept an encouraging eye on me. One night we had a conversation like this:

Me: My brain is dead. Can I stop studying now?
Andy: If your brain was dead you couldn't talk, now get back to study. 
(some more work was done until....)
Andy: Stop playing games on Facebook and work on your assignment. I can tell by your eyes you're playing games.

 Me: I can't think of what to write.
Andy: Get a drink, eat a snack, take a quick break then get back to your assignment.

 Me: I want to go to bed. I'm tired.
Andy: You need to have 2 evaluations done and then you can go to bed.
Me: I've finished 2 now and only have one to go.
Andy: Well done! I'm proud of you. I think you're amazing to be working full time and studying. You have a lot on your plate. You're doing great.
(a bit of silence then he adds....)
If we get married, are you going to be 'like this' every time you have an assignment to do?
Me: What does it matter? You can cope with it.

I tried to tell him that I really appreciated him sitting up with me on Skype for the few nights that he did and how unique he was but he seemed to think that any partner would do the same thing. I told him that wasn't so. He is very patient.

We went bowling and I was not playing very well whereas Andy was getting strike after strike. After one particularly poor bowl on my part, I turned and looked at Andy and I could see by the look on his face that he was trying to find something positive to say. When I told him not to worry about it, that there was nothing good about that bowl, the look of relief on his face made me laugh. We then went and played a couple of games of air hockey. He had never played it before and it's a favourite game of mine. I figured that at least I could redeem myself by winning that game but no, he won at that too. The thing is, even though he's competitive he is not malicious and even when he is winning, he doesn't gloat. He is a good sport about it and actually enjoys just playing the games with me. He is very encouraging.

One morning, he was up early playing with Milly, watching TV and getting things packed for later that day as were going to the river. While I was sleeping, he crept into my room with Milly (my puppy) on his heels and placed a couple of slices of banana cake that he had baked, next to my bed. There was also a chocolate coated oval thing that I mistook for being a raspberry licorice 'bullet'. (candy) I bit into it and it crunched and exploded with a vile taste. I ran to the kitchen sink and threw  it up. He asked me what was wrong and when I explained it to him, he laughed. He had put my vitamin tablet there, not a bullet and he couldn't understand why I hadn't noticed the difference.

That afternoon we had a lovely time swimming and soaking up the sun at a lake. Milly came in the water with us and it was the first time she had ever been swimming. It was very relaxing and refreshing. Poor Andy though! Milly kept jumping on his back and swimming up to him and she really needs her nails cut! Andy's back got all scratched up but when I expressed that I was sorry she did it, he said, "She's a puppy. They always have sharper nails and she didn't know she was hurting me. She was just playing." Before he left to go back home, I noticed he left a note for me reminding me to get her nails cut.

When Andy needs to talk to me about something that concerns him, he speaks to me gently and carefully. He calls it a 'fight' whereas I would just call it a disagreement and he doesn't ever put me down and always speaks to me in a respectful and loving way.

As I said earlier, sometimes it surprises me how good Andy is. I am so glad that he has come into my life and helped me do things that I haven't enjoyed for a long time. It is good to be able to laugh and share fun times with someone who accepts me and enjoys similar things. I am thankful for Andy.

Enjoying Life Again

As I sit here typing, Andrew is cooking dinner for me. After church this morning, we went for a walk around the market and bought some sausage meat such as pepperoni, then for a walk along the gardens before coming home for lunch. After lunch, I had a nap and Andrew caught up with friends and then we played an hour of squash. We played 5 close games but I won overall. He is a tennis player but he plays a good game of squash and gave me a good run. Last Monday, we went swimming at the local pool and I swam laps and we have also done a lot of walking. I like it that Andrew encourages me to do things that I enjoy and is helping me to 'break the ice' and get back into doing those things that I like doing, to get fit again.

Last Wednesday, we went up a mountain which is also a rainforest. The trees were magnificent in their strength and uniqueness and the shade of the tall trees kept it cooler than the very hot day it was. We went up to a lookout and Andrew insisted on giving me a piggy-back ride for a few metres. At one of the waterfalls, he got into the cool mountain water and stood under a waterfall. He kept his shoes and socks and shorts on because the ground in the pool was very rocky. 

Andrew is willing to enjoy new things with me and encourages me to enjoy life and laugh. He looks for ways to make me smile and we get on very well together. When it's time to study, he sits beside me and reads a book and if I get distracted, he reminds me that I need to refocus. I have another assignment due in a couple of weeks so I'm trying to get ahead from being behind. It's a practical assignment and then I have to evaluate myself and 2 peers on our demonstration of attentive listening skills, confronting and focusing. One of my colleagues from work is coming over to be my 'client' for the video and then I have to upload it to the university's site. Hopefully, I will be able to apply the skills being assessed during the 'demonstration.'

Well dinner is done, a chick flick has been watched and we've played a game of Mario Kart Wii game. It is nice to feel like I can enjoy life again, can laugh and do silly things. Work is going well. I love teaching and feel like I belong there. Milly is enjoying the attention and spoiling Andrew is giving her and it's good to be right where I am.

Wish I Was More Motivated

Assignment two is due in on Wednesday and although it's only 1,000 words and only worth 20% I am finding it hard to get motivated. I only just passed my first assignment in this subject and was very disappointed as I felt I had put a lot of work into it, used more references and done better than my assignments in basic counseling. Admittedly, I knew this lecturer might be a bit tougher since the week before he gave us our results, he sent an email out saying how disappointed he was in the quality of our assignments but it still hurt to not do so well. I do feel like quitting even though I know I want to complete this course successfully. I will get the assignment done but I am also teaching full time now so I have to prioritise and be more self-disciplined in my life style. Hopefully I will be able to muddle through the last couple of weeks of this term and prepare more adequately for next term's work and study.

Andy and I had a lovely weekend at the Gold Coast. We had a lot of fun together and it does feel like we've known each other for a lot longer than we have. I was talking to him earlier today and said I would call him when I had had enough of study and he knowing me quite well said, "So in about ten minutes?" When we were at the Gold Coast on the weekend, we did a lot of fun activities and one of the things I liked best was that he was willing to go on a horse trail ride with me even though he had never been horse riding before. He enjoyed the ride and he understands how important riding is to me.

Andy is a great guy who gives me gifts, compliments me and encourages me. He seems to be understanding when I use defense mechanisms to protect myself from getting hurt and does what he can to reassure me that he really does care about me and thinks I am special. It is good to have so much in common and yet also have our own areas of interest. I like it that he has so much knowledge and a willingness to learn. I respect and admire his Christian faith and the way he lives his life. We have fun together and laugh a lot and even when I am feeling discouraged, he looks for ways to build me up. Anyway, time will tell what our friendship develops into but at the moment, we are just going to enjoy being boyfriend/girlfriend. 

Settling In!

It's almost a month since my last post but things are going well. I was talking to my friend Sonya the other day and sharing with her some of how I'm feeling and what I am doing and she reminded me that last year, she began praying that I will feel like I have a place I belong and put down roots and that is exactly what has happened.

I love my job although I haven't started working full time there yet. I enjoy the way the teachers work together, I love the kids and I feel like I belong there. I know it's not perfect but no school is. Last night, I went on a camp with the year 7 girls, principal and chaplain and we all slept in tents.

 I played touch football for the first time ever and I scored a try. According to the players, it was an 'awesome try'. We had good talks about leadership, we ate toasted marshmallows, camped by a river and I even got a great photo of a kookaburra. It was very cold at night, getting down to 0 degrees Celsius and although I had a very warm sleeping bag, I was still cold and was eager for morning to come around so that I wouldn't have to stay lying down in my cold tent. When I came home in the morning, I had a long, hot shower before I went to a PD at school and I am looking forward to sleeping in my nice, warm, comfortable bed very soon tonight. I still love camping though.

 
Today was the third session of a PD (professional development) on LEM phonics. I have really enjoyed learning about spelling, the origins of the English language/vocabulary and making new friends. It was presented well and today, at the end of the 3 day course, we had to do a test which he made open-book and discussable. In the end though, I told him I didn't care how I went on the test because tomorrow I am going horse riding!

Last weekend, I helped a neighbour friend work in the canteen at the gymkhana and while there, I made new friends who all had horses. One of the friends I made, has a friend who is always looking for someone to ride with her since her daughter moved away to university and she has two horses. She gave the friend my name and I got a phone call this morning and the lady invited me out to ride with her on her farm. I love the way Rosie worded it in her email, "I am looking forward to meeting you... We will have a great time. Remmy is the name of your horse. I've only had him a few months, but he is quiet. He is a retired racehorse." My horse is named Remmy! I told her I wasn't very experienced so we'll ride around in the paddock for awhile and then decide if we want to go out and ride further. She lives about 20 minutes away from me so I will be able to go riding after work and on weekends especially since the days are getting longer. I am very excited about riding with Rosie tomorrow.

In other news, there is a man who is trying very hard to win my affection. He compliments me frequently, sends me gifts and we have a lot in common. Only thing is, he lives in Melbourne but I have made it very clear that I do not want to move from where I am because I feel like I belong here and I want to stay here. He used to teach at the high school I went to and his sister and I used to walk home from school together. He knows a lot of the people I knew through those years and he also knows the area I grew up in which I think is pretty cool. Next weekend, we're going to spend some time together and with some other very good friends of mine so we'll see what happens then. It is really special having someone believe in me, thinks I am very special, someone who treats me so well and who wants to spoil me. He has a wealth of knowledge and loves learning. He prays with me and for me and he is ticking off the boxes on my 'checklist'. In other words, he is winning.

Well, I need an early night so it's off to bed I go. I am looking forward to snuggling up in my lovely warm bed. Last night's tent/air mattress/ sleeping bag experience has certainly made me appreciate my bed and hot showers so much more than before.

Live Real

It's late and I hadn't planned on writing another blog post and especially not about what I am about to write about. Sometimes I write blog posts in my head and some of those ideas make it to this blogsite and others get lost in the morning or seem irrelevant when I sit down to write. I was going to share about a devotion I read by Joyce Meyer about serving a God of excellence. She wrote,

"Satan tempts us to live a low life, but God tempts us to come up higher. One of the worst mistakes we can make is to get complacent, thinking that what we have right now is okay. A mindset of low expectations holds us back because God can only do through us what we believe for."

I do want to live a life of excellence and I am putting down roots prayerfully as to what I need to be doing and how I should be living, using my gifts to love God and others. Tonight, I went along to church because they were showing a film called, "Not a Fan" as part of a series they will be studying in their home groups and for church services during August. It's about being genuine and following God whole-heartedly. I guess the theme is coming out loud and clear. At church, I met up with friends from work and I was also introduced to two of the pastors and a couple other people. I've been attending that church for a few months now so it was good to meet them and after a short time of worship, communion and greetings, it was time to watch the film.

The movie started off with a husband collapsing, his daughter calling 911 and the daughter and wife heading to the hospital behind the ambulance. When they get to the hospital, they walk past the ambulance and into the hospital.

There are other bits to that introduction but that is almost exactly how it was when Dave collapsed. He hadn't been feeling well all day and we were upstairs about to retire for the night. He sat up and fell forward on to the floor. I called for Dianne and she called 911. Dave was showing signs of being partly conscious. He held my hand and as I told him I loved him, he squeezed it tightly. He opened his eyes, rolled over and put his head in my lap. The paramedics came and took him off in the ambulance and Dianne and I got in my car and drove to the hospital. When we got there, we walked past the ambulance with the doors still open and were ushered into a waiting room. It was about 20 minutes (or maybe longer) that the chaplain (or was it the doctor) came and told us that Dave had passed away even though they had tried resuscitating him for 20 minutes or so. We went to where he was and he looked like he was asleep.

Next Friday, the 2nd August is the 2nd anniversary of that night and I have been thinking about that for the last couple of days and even trying to organize a night with friends so that I can do something to celebrate Dave's life rather than stay home and feel sorry for myself. When I watched that film tonight, I could not stop the tears. In the film, the husband died and at the funeral service they reflected on his life and the difference he had made to so many people after he chose to live a life that pleased God. Throughout the film, there were close ups of his wife and I could identify with the emotions and her actions. Sometimes I had to close my eyes because the pain was so raw.

Sometimes it can feel easier being here away from others grieving because I can focus on missing Dave and not so much on his death but watching that movie tonight, brought back that night, the following week after it and all the emotions and intense pain and heartache. So, when I got home tonight, I felt like I was just going through the motions. I put the rubbish bins out on the curb, fed the dog and watched TV. Most of the night, tears fell as I reflected on the movie and I reflected on that night back in August 2011. It hurts.

I'm going to go to bed and pray that I sleep well tonight. Tomorrow, I need to get working on my assignment due in less than 3 weeks and it won't be long before I am working full time so if anything, I need to get ahead. To try and leave on a positive note, I will add a photo I saw on Patsy Clairmont's Facebook page.

Sunset At the End of Another Day

This morning when the phone rang at 6:41am and it was only 1 degree Celsius, (33.8 Fahrenheit) I wasn't resentful of being invited to go and work for a day with the class I will be teaching full time at the end of this term. Apart from wanting to stay in my nice bed and get a bit of a sleep in, I had no 'excuse' for not working. I have mostly caught up in my study for it only being week 2 of this semester, I had taken Milly to the vet to have her stitches out and paid for her council registration, I had had my long overdue, routine doctor's check up and apart from thinking about going to the heated pool to swim some laps and begin work on my assignment, I had no plans that couldn't be changed.

Going to work was great and even though I was only filling in for the day, I was given time to start thinking/planning for when I am working there. I spoke with the special needs teacher at length, about some of the concerns and needs of students in my classroom, the principal spoke with me about joining the girls on a camp coming up and I was able to start 'dreaming' about what my style will be when teaching those students. I also spoke with another staff member who has done counseling at uni and may have a developmental psychology textbook to lend me for my next assignment due in 4 weeks time.

It was good to have a positive day. Last night when I was trying to sleep, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself, thinking about loss, the consequences of losses I have had to deal with over the past five years and thinking about how it's not fair. I uploaded a photo of a sunset today and a friend asked when I said, "The end of another day" what I meant by it. To be honest, ever since Dave passed away, at the end of each day, I often think, "Well, I got through another day" and I sigh. It is what it is and I can't change that. I know I have to keep moving forward. I know I am in the right place and for the most part, I enjoy this new stage of my life but I still have to deal with the consequences and aftermath of Dave passing away. I still have to figure out logistics and  make decisions that are right... on my own.

I have talked to ladies this week who have shared part of their story with me and their own challenges of life. I heard a song that Gary Allan sings and it sums up my thoughts on all this. It's called, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful".

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
 But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

[CHORUS]
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin' it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

I'm not sure yet whether I agree it's a beautiful ride but I know there are some beautiful times in the midst of struggling. The day I left my home in Reardan, I cried out to God wondering why He took Dave and not me. Dave had a job, a home, a family and I was returning to Australia as a widow needing to start all over again. It has been challenging. Perhaps I have grown and am stronger but it has come at great cost. Life isn't always beautiful but it sure can have a beautiful sunset at the end of another day.  

And who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Getting Better

I got up this morning and walking past the toilet, I saw a big, black spider scuttling across the floor so I stomped on it in my slippered feet and made sure it was dead. The other day, there had been a spider in the corner of the ceiling in the loungeroom and I had left it alone and now I don't know where it is. It wasn't the same spider because the one I killed was black, not brown but from now on, I am not going to hesitate when I see a spider although Nathan said that daddy-long-legs keep the bad spiders away. I haven't seen any daddy long leg spiders around. Snakes and spiders are not things one wants to come across in Australia as 9 out of 10 of the most venomous snakes in the world live in Australia and there are also deadly spiders too.

Milly caught her first mouse the other day. It was getting on dark and I thought her tongue looked strange so called her over to me. She proudly presented the mouse and dropped it on the back doorstep. Not being well, I showed little interest in it so she took it away and played with it on the grass.

I had some friends come and stay over on Tuesday night as they were travelling back to Victoria. I had a lovely time with them and reminded them how freezing cold it gets down south. We were rugged up that night, under a throw rug complaining about the cold when we realized that the temperature was a 'maximum' for Victoria's day time weather. Winter is lovely up here as you can see by the photo taken 4 days ago. It can get cold at night but after a spate of freezing night temperatures the week I was away, it hasn't been that bad. Then again, we are only half way through winter. I managed to get caught up on mowing the yard last weekend but will probably need to mow it again in another couple weeks.

After my friends left on Wednesday morning, I threw a load of washing in the machine and as I had a pretty bad headache, headed for bed until it was done. Unfortunately, the headache was just the beginning of a gastro virus and I only got up after that, to use the bathroom. The clean and wet washing stayed in the washing machine for a couple of days although I had opened the lid. I didn't care what happened to it. I didn't have the energy to care about anything, even the dishes in the sink. I slept and ached and slept. Yesterday morning, after 3 days of being sick, I declared myself 'well' on Facebook and then my stomach churned again and half an hour after being up, I was back in bed again. It is no fun being sick and it is even worse when you are on your own. While most of the time I was too sick to care, there were times when I wished for someone to care for me. Left alone with my memories and thoughts, it was hard to be positive.

At one 'well' moment during that period, I went to check emails and delete useless emails from my yahoo account which I rarely use. While I was there, I read a few emails Dave had sent me and that made me cry some more and wish he was there with me. All our hopes and dreams, our decisions and our plans were shattered when he passed away and I still miss him every day. I was watching a TV show and a young girl asked someone, "How do you get over the loss of a loved one?" and the reply was so true, "You don't ever get over it. They remain a part of you forever and you learn to live without them." (or something like that.)

I was wondering what to do with my 'egg chair'. When I had it on the back verandah, Milly had thought it was worth chewing on and when I realized this, (after seeing bits of white thread pieces all over the ground) I put the basket into the shed so that she couldn't get at it but left the metal frame outside. Before my friends arrived, I decided to move it to the corner in the front porch. It is a great place for it and I use it for reading and even watching the sun set. I am so glad I thought of it. Before my friends left, they put the bulls-horns on the rear window of my car and it is bright pink. I like it even though it was bigger than I first thought and takes up the whole window. My brother-in-law Dan said when he saw the photo "Looks like a lot of bull to me... kind of a feminine bull at that!" which made me laugh. I miss him and the rest of Dave's family, too.

Now that I am well again, I will need to catch up on my studies. I'm only half a week behind as I had started the module for the advanced counseling subject but I had planned on getting ahead because all too soon, I will be teaching full-time again and then will have limited time to work on my course. Well, the sun is out and I am feeling 90-95% better so things are looking brighter. Maybe I will go and eat my lunch on the front porch and perhaps read for a bit, in my hanging basket/egg chair.

New possibilities...?

I was going to use roundup on the weeds in the backyard today while Milly was at the Vet's but the skies were grey and threatening rain and even when I hung my washing out on the line, the air was damp. Even though it didn't rain hard, I justified not having done it also because it was very windy. I'll just have to pull the weeds in the backyard although it was the steep grassy patch that I can't get the mower to that I was going to spray in order to get rid of that patch before the snakes found it in summer.

Milly survived the operation and is very quiet this evening. When I went to pick her up, the vet assistant came to help me get her in the car but for the first time ever, Milly got in the car without any help. I think she was anxious to come home. I gave her a bone to chew but she was ravenous and was eating it up so I gave her some food and even after she ate that, she continued to finish off the bone. The instructions from the vet said that only a light meal should be given the day after the op so she hadn't eaten in 48 hours! Tonight, I am going to let her sleep in the bathroom but when I called her in to the house, she refused to come in until I got the lead and pulled her through the door. She knows her place is outside. She gets the stitches out in 10-14 days time.

Anyway, as you know, I have been struggling over the past few days and although some of it may be hormonal, some of it may be just the 'downer' after a good few weeks or some of it because of the circumstances I find myself in. While platitudes say that we choose the life we have, we don't always have control over the circumstances and sometimes it gets tiring always trying to be positive and set a 'good example'. I've heard those words for years and I think it is more important to be real and genuine. Many people having lost a spouse, have 'melt downs'. They turn to alcohol, sleeping the day away, get very depressed or throw a tantrum but I feel the pressure is on me to be 'above such things', stay positive and smile regardless of the grief. That is why the song "Just Cry" is so pertinent to me.

However, I don't want to stay put on the pity potty and I want to continue to move forward. One of the things I have been struggling with is that I am on my own and just like it was at the start of last year, if anything happened to me, it would be some time before another person would know. It is very hard to break into friendship groups and although I have a good selection of friends, I know that other people on their own also struggle. I spoke to the principal of the school I will be teaching at and he told me that he admires the fact that I am proactive, and that although I have had hurts in the past, I still move forward. He also said that he sees the joy of the Lord in my life. (paraphrased) I was really encouraged to hear those words.

I spoke to a pastor of a large church yesterday in order to find a home group that I could attend and he admitted that there isn't a singles ministry in the church for people over 35. He added "yet" but he had also misinterpreted what I had said so I didn't give a response. However, I went home and thought about that and looked around me and the needs here in this city. Where does a Christian single person of 35+ go to find/make new friends? Although I am fairly proactive about meeting people, it is still limited and there are others who would struggle more than I and who would not have the resources to do something about it.

I got to thinking and praying that maybe I need to be part of a team doing something about it in this town. I ran the idea past the principal and he was very excited and said it would be a pleasure to support me in this and be a sounding board for me and he started rattling off more ideas and resources. I ran it past my friend Sharyn and she too, gave her support and encouragement. I have now emailed the few large churches I have attended and will see if any of them either have a ministry in this area that I could join or if they would be willing to help me get a team together and work something out. Whichever church responds, will be the church I will make myself a part of and I would be happy in any of them. I do not feel it would be wise to do this without the backing of a church and in the meantime, I will write my ideas down, continue to pray about it and see where God leads.

I do feel at home in this place as I have said many times before but I also need to be putting down roots and getting involved. This might be a direction I can go and at the moment, I have the time to initiate something like this. As I get more work and continue study, my time may become more limited so now is when I could put more work and effort into getting it up and running. Well, like I said, we will see. In my devotions today I read:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.See, I am doing a new thing!Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?I am making a way in the wildernessand streams in the wasteland. — Isaiah 43:18–19

Each of us has a powerful choice. We have the ability to create our own simplified future by starting with a blank sheet of paper and a heart surrendered to God’s will for our lives.

Choose to leave the past behind, and begin living a life filled with new possibilities!

Time Moves On

For the last two days, I have worn my 'work' clothes around home so that I can finish the mowing and weeding. For the last two days, I have not done any yard work despite the fact that I now have my new lawn mower which is self-propelled and a necessity when there is three-quarters of an acre to mow. I did catch up on mowing the back yard which is why I am procrastinating on doing the front yard although, logically speaking, it should motivate me to get the front yard done before it gets as bad as the backyard was! I am glad Nathan was here when I bought it as he was able to get the very heavy mower out of the car when I got it home.

 I have been away at my nephew's wedding and had a wonderful time. I enjoyed the road trip and kept friends and family informed of my progress/safety. Before I arrived at Dad's, I stopped to do some retail therapy with a friend and went to two favourite shops - a bookstore and a 'horse habits' store. I spent some time with Dad and it was good to catch up with him and get to know him a bit better. I used to joke that I was the 'best of my mum and dad' and while I was talking with Dad, I realized I am a lot like him, especially as we are both quick learners. At the wedding, a couple of my aunts commented on how much like my mum I am in the way of mannerisms and the way I talk. It was good to spend time with family and friends at the wedding. They also told me how proud they were of me and how much they loved me. Before leaving to come back home, I caught up with some friends I taught with last year and other friends. It was good to be there but it was very good to come home.

Nathan and his girlfriend came back with me and spent just over a week with me. We had a really good time together and again I was reminded, of how much like me, Nathan is. He does have a very similar temperament and I am proud of the man he has grown to be. I hated saying goodbye to him last Saturday but then, I always hate saying goodbye. I know I will see him again but in the meantime I miss him and wish he lived closer. We surprised him with a pre 21st birthday celebration which became 21 gifts (including meals) and a birthday cake all starting with the letter N. We went sight seeing that day, visited different places and it was the best day to do it as it was raining in the morning and those planned places were all indoors. By the time we went to the park to play, it was warming up. (See the photo of Nathan and I arm wrestling.)

Milly got plenty of exercise while I was away as she stayed at my friends' farm and they have 3 other dogs plus chickens, pigs and cows. We went and picked her up the morning after we got home and watched Milly chase and corner a chook that had gotten into the yard. My friend rescued the hen and threw it out of the yard. Nathan and Milly bonded well. They (Nathan, his g/f and Milly) went on jogs to the lookout at the top of the mountain, played in the backyard and Nathan added to my training of her. Tomorrow she is going to get spayed and will stay overnight at the vet's. I am glad they are so thorough in their care of animals. While she is there, I will get my tax return filed and will hopefully get some money back and then some visitors are arriving and staying overnight on their way home to Victoria.

I got both assignments back and got an A so my overall grade in both subjects was B. I feel that I am off to a good start for my Master of Education course and I am very happy with the progress I have made. This semester I am only going to do one subject and hopefully will pick up more paid employment along the way. Everything is going well and I know that I am right where I belong for the moment. But, although  some may not want to hear this, it doesn't mean that I suddenly don't grieve for Dave. While I travel and see trucks on the road, my mind goes back to my time with Dave and the road trips we did. As I see parts of Australia, I wish he was there to share it with me. When some guys indicate an 'interest' in me, I compare them to Dave and they don't match up. I realize that Dave still (and always will) hold a piece of my heart. He wasn't perfect but I loved him with all that I had.

When I shared that song, "Just Cry" in my last post, it wasn't a backward step, it is how I feel many times. Although I know that I have so many blessings and can see God's hand at work in my life, turning things around for good, it doesn't mean that I forget the life I had with Dave or that I wish he was still alive and that we were sharing our life and dreams together. When I check Facebook, and see what his family and friends are doing, it hurts me because I am not a part of their life as I would be if Dave was still alive. I am also reminded that my friends and family here, have never met Dave and never been a part of the life he and I had as a couple. When I was talking with Dad, some things he said made me wish Dave was there too because they would have gotten on so well together. I think grieving here on my own, without others who are grieving Dave, has made it harder in some ways, than if I was there in the States with them. Sometimes, I just want to jump on a plane and go and be with Dave's family just so I can soak up the love they have for me because I was Dave's wife. I know that's unrealistic at the moment. I have a life here and as time moves on, so must I.

When I was having a pity party on my own yesterday, I got frustrated by some of the devotional emails I had received. Although the words were truth, I felt they were clichés and I wondered if the authors of the words really understood what it is to grieve. Words such as:

 The journey of grief is one that you must ultimately decide to complete. You cannot remain where you are right now. Time moves forward, and so must you.
The Lord’s plan for your life is pure and simple during this time of grief:
What does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.— Micah 6:8.

It's important to realize that just because you are alone, it doesn't mean you must be lonely or lonesome. While it may not always be possible to avoid being alone, there are always answers to loneliness.
God's Word tells us to be strong and courageous, for God is always with us. In the natural, you may be alone, but that doesn't mean you have to be lonely, because spiritually, God is always there. He will never leave you or forsake you. 

Anyway, although I know those words are true, sometimes they do little to comfort me at the present time. Words are easily said but it's harder to live them out. As one of those lines said though, time moves forward and so must I. I know this is a longer than usual post but then again, I haven't written in awhile so I had to make up for it. Even so, I haven't said all that I could say. Here's a photo I took while I was visiting one of the beaches in Victoria. It's so pretty!!! And I had forgotten how cold the weather is there and how warm, in comparison, it is here.

Just Cry

The last few weeks have been really good as I've had the opportunity to catch up with family and friends and then had my son Nathan and his girlfriend here for just over a week. They left yesterday. I don't think saying goodbye to Nathan gets any easier. Also, on the road trip, I was reminded constantly of memories with Dave and then that made me miss him more. Sometimes I feel like I take one step back for every step or two forward. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I know God holds me in His hands and loves me more than I can even imagine but it can still hurt when I think of Dave and the life we will never have together.

So I had a pretty bad day today and then I just heard this song and it sums up everything so well for me. It's sung by Mandisa.



Just Cry

Why you gotta act so strong?
Go ahead and take off your brave face
Why you telling me that nothing's wrong
It's obvious you're not in a good place
Who's telling you to keep it all inside
And never let those feelings
Get past the corner of your eye

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
Just cry

I know you know your Sunday songs
A dozen verses by memory
Yeah they're good but life is hard
And days get long
You gotta know God can handle your honesty
So feel the things your feeling
Name your fears and doubts
Don't stuff your shame and sadness, loneliness and anger
Let it out, let it out

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright

Just cry
Just cry

It doesn't mean you don't trust him
It doesn't mean you don't believe
It doesn't mean you don't know
He's redeeming everything.

You don't need to run
You don't need to speak
Baby take some time
Let those prayers roll down your cheek
It maybe tomorrow
You'll be past the sorrow
But tonight it's alright
But tonight it's alright

Just cry

Why you gotta act so strong
Go ahead and take off your brave face

Climb Every Mountain

Last year in January, Nathan and I walked to the Pinnacle in the Grampians. It was a Medium/Hard Grade with an elevation of 280m. (approx. 918') It was also in the middle of the day with temperatures at about 40 Celsius (over 100 degrees Fahrenheit). It was hard work and we took plenty of rests and drank from our water bottles. As people passed by and as we passed others, we stopped for rests and chatted with them. The view at the top was magnificent and the sense of accomplishment was also satisfying. We took photos and began our descent. Getting to the top was hard work but going down was hard too. My knee acted up and I actually would have preferred going uphill. Nathan offered to help me but I don't know how to lean on someone else when walking and we finally made it back down to the carpark.

The reason I am telling you this story is to tell you that's how it is for my life. Getting to the place I am at hasn't been easy and it has been full of heartbreak. I can feel positive from this place because I look back and see how God has turned around things for good and I am surrounded by people who love and accept me, doing things I enjoy such as teaching and learning and I have a lifestyle that suits me for now. It has been a hard climb getting here but I am not at the pinnacle yet and I still need to keep moving forward.

I received a phone call today that caused me to take a step back. I am sure the person was well-meaning (Aren't they always?) but it still hurt. As I stepped back, I looked around at my friends and family and felt envious. So many of them are in happy marriages and live a settled life. They have someone to wake up next to and someone who will walk through their life holding their hand, listening to their thoughts and dreams, comforting them, encouraging them and moving forward together. They are living out their dreams and plans and although they might add a few other incidentals in, their lifestyles will stay basically the same whereas I have only an idea of where I will end up and I am still striving forward to the place where I can stay settled.

Having said that, I am where I belong right now. The other day when I went out for dinner on Dave's and mine wedding anniversary, I had 9 other women friends come and join me. I am so humbled and grateful (and somewhat overwhelmed) for the love they show me. They value me for who I am, they are genuine, they love life and they want me to be a part of theirs. They laugh at my jokes, they want to get to know me better and they give me hugs just because they want to. One of my friends last Wednesday, picked up a water bottle off the table to use as her 'microphone' and sang "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love you tomorrow" in the restaurant. My phone got swept up so that they could get my phone number into their phones but as I pointed out to one of them later, they forgot to give me their phone number.

I have met about 5 neighbours (families) who live in the same street as me. One family invited me over for a roast lamb dinner last Sunday and her husband cooked. They have asked me to tutor their 15 yr old daughter but we'll see. I'm not sure I can do Yr. 10 work and I will have to see how it fits in with my study and work load. Mother and daughter came over today for me to check over her assignments that are due in tomorrow and then they both stayed to play with Milly. When I am away, they will be checking my mail for me and keeping an eye on the place. I hope they pick some of those yummy Navel oranges that are growing in my backyard. I assume they are yummy but I haven't tried them yet.

I submitted my final assignment in last Friday and the sense of relief was wonderful but along with the sense of relief was also the sense of accomplishment. I did it! Not only  have I moved interstate on my own, but I have completed two subjects on the way to getting my Masters done and I have also been given a job at a great place to work. I am looking forward to working there full-time.

So yes, at the moment I am enjoying the view, in some ways, revelling in the life that I have because it is full of goodness. At the same time, I am aware that there are still more mountains to climb and there's a part of me that also looks back on the past, sees the heartache there and wonders if all the good I have now, is going to be taken away from me again, just as it was less than two years ago. It is so important to make the most of every day and to make sure the people you love know that without a doubt. My lecturer in educational counselling told me I was 'pro-active' in living my life and I guess that does about sum up how I feel. I am not about to let life just happen and nor am I willing to miss out on all that I can do. I want to make the most of this life and I choose to do what I can to make it all that it's supposed to be.

It's getting cold here at nights, sometimes down to 0 and -1 or -2 (Celsius) but it warms up to at least 18C. I have learned to make a roaring fire, I can drink a cup of hot Mocha and I can snuggle up in the snuggly that Dave gave me as a birthday present. I am choosing to live life to the fullest. God gave me strengths, He has given me so many blessings and I am thankful for today.

Bend Without Breaking

Well the assignment on Behaviour Management has been completed and submitted by the due date. I am happy with the finished product and also very thankful for: Sharyn, who spent a few hours with me on Monday giving me something to work with, the lecturer - giving me a good framework so that I knew how to set it out, the principal at the school I work at  - for answering some questions and giving me some constructive advice and for my friend Tonya who took the time to proofread my assignment. I am also thankful for the encouragement of a very few people who took the time to make sure I knew they not only love me but they believe in me, too. That email, Facebook message or Skype call meant more than you could ever know. I am very happy to have that subject done and now I just need to do the Educational Counselling assignment due at the end of next week.

I went to work today and had a great day. I love being in that school environment and enjoy the friendship of staff members there. The students are typical children. I had one boy come up to me and tell me that at first he didn't really like me but now he is even looking forward to me teaching his class when I am working there full time. It's obvious the students feel safe there and even though there are the "naughty" kids, they all know they are loved and valued. At morning tea time today, I was sitting in the staffroom and mentioned that next Wednesday is the wedding anniversary date of Dave and I so I've decided to go out for dinner, rather than stay at home and feel sorry for myself. I invited those who wanted to, to join me for dinner and there are a few who will do that too, so it won't be just Sharyn and I.

Today, the business manager gave me the RM Williams' horns decal for my back window so when I have  the window cleaned, I'll be able to stick the pink horns on. When I showed  the decal to a couple of friends at school, they commented that I was a 'real country girl' now and one of them said I needed to add more aerials to my car. I feel so appreciated and valued for who I am. They laugh with me, listen to me and enjoy me coming in.

As I was driving home, I heard a song on the radio that MercyMe sing and the words struck home. The song is called, "Move".

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I won't stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days (x2)

 I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus:]
When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move) (2)
I'm gonna move

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

I liked that imagery of bending but not breaking, of dancing anyway and that I am going to keep moving. As I drove home I listed the many things I have to be thankful for, but most of all, I am glad I am in a place where I am doing what I love, making new friends and staying in touch with 'old' friends and studying to learn about something else I am interested in. I talked to Mom and Dad Flowers on Skype yesterday morning and Mom said that she doesn't worry about me because she knows I make the right decisions and that I trust God. She knows Dave is in a safe place and when she prays for her 6 biological children, she prays for me in place of Dave. I thought about how God had turned around what hurts into good. That gives me peace.

Sometimes there are moments I catch myself missing Dave and when I hear of someone else's pain and loss, I cry. There are even some ads on TV that make me tear up, not because of the people on it but because of the memories with Dave. As I was driving home, I thought about Dave and I had a very comforting thought. Dave would be proud of me and happy for me as I live the life I am living right now. On the 12th June, it would have been our 3rd anniversary. Our time together was much too short but I am so glad I had the privilege of being his wife. I am thankful for the love we shared and the memories we made. I am so grateful that much good has come out of my grief and also the loss that other family members and friends experienced when Dave passed away unexpectedly.

Oh I almost forgot to tell you about another highlight of my day, today. When I got home there was a package of books for me that I had ordered only a few days ago. I eagerly opened them up. When I teach, the kids love hearing the books that I read to them and it's almost becoming my trademark to have great picture books when I am teaching. The principal asked me the other day to start thinking about what I am going to contribute to the school when I am working full time and what plans I have for 'my' class. Even if he hadn't asked me, I already had started thinking about it and one of those things is to make sure I have plenty of books to read with that class. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Aaarrrrggggghh!

I didn't have a very good weekend at all and it had little to do with the grey clouds and (what I consider) cold weather. It is good being able to light a fire and have it warming up the house.

However, I am struggling with getting my behavior management assignment done. I have done all the readings and taken notes, highlighted good quotes and done a rough plan. It is constantly on my mind and I turn over the concepts and possible wording of the paper in my head, almost 24 hours of the day. It isn't about making time to do it and it's not because I've been wasting time elsewhere, it's about the fact that I don't know how to write it. All amount of self-talk, positive "I can do this" and "Don't feel discouraged, just do it" statements don't make the paper become a reality. Today I felt like running outside, stamping my feet and screaming but I resisted the urge and plodded on, with a few tears close to the surface.

The last couple of nights I have had bad dreams and that hasn't helped me feel any better. When I wake up feeling tired and can remember the dream, I wonder why I dreamt that and it gives me a heavy feeling as I start the day.

I have felt very lonely over the weekend. I wish there was someone I could sit and watch a movie with, someone who could hug me and reassure me that I'm not 'stupid' and someone who I could live my life with, who is on the same wavelength as me. I went to church yesterday and it seemed like there were so many couples around - young adults, old people and people my age. It seems unfair that Dave passed away and left me alone when I am still young enough to live. The couples hold hands and sit closely together and at the end of the service, the young families gather together to go home. I know that their lives aren't perfect and Dave and I didn't have the perfect marriage but we had each other and planned to grow old together and make good memories along the way.

In another week's time, my study for this semester will be over but before that, two assignments have to be completed. In a few week's time, I will go and celebrate my nephew's wedding with my family and catch up with some friends who I've been missing but before then, I have things that need to be done here first. I want to look ahead to those good times but right now, my focus is on the here and now and I am feeling discouraged. I hate feeling like this! I know I have so much to be thankful for and I know I have achieved so much even over these last couple of months but all that is overshadowed by being alone and not having my assignments done.

I decided this morning that, rather than wait for a break in my study, I would do the laundry and the dishes. I figured that way they would get done. As I hung the washing out on the line, Milly picked up a sock and took it out of the basket. I dropped a peg and waited until I finished hanging up the top before bending it over to pick it up. My five second delay gave Milly the opportunity to pounce on the peg and she was reluctant to give it back to me. Later, when I was sitting at the kitchen table studying, I saw her lying there under the clothesline. Every now and again she would stand up and jump for the sleeve of my jumper. (sweater) I would call her and she would stop and lie down again, waiting for another moment. At one stage, she moved to the other side of the clothesline and I had to get up from the table to be able to see her. She jumped up a few times before she came to the back door and fell asleep there. She is getting so big now and yet, she's only five months old!

Tonight, I am going to Sharyn's so that we can look at my assignment, at what I have done and what I have planned, to see if I can figure out what I need to do from there. Tomorrow morning, I am meeting with the lecturer so by tomorrow afternoon, the words should just flow. Maybe. I have an idea of what is required of me but processing my thinking with Sharyn first, will help for when I speak to the lecturer tomorrow. Well the sun is setting, casting a golden, red glow over the mountains, paddocks and trees and tomorrow will be a new day. In the meantime, I will tackle some more of my assignment, feed the puppy and myself, pack the chocolate in with my laptop and notes and see if I can get some sense of understanding, direction and peace about this assignment before the night is over.

 

So I went over to Sharyn's and over a cup of mocha, she helped me put my thoughts into order and work out some questions that could clarify the lecturer's expectations. I am so thankful for Sharyn's patience and friendship. In some ways we are opposites but her strengths complement mine  and we work well together, especially if there's chocolate on the table between us!

To Analyse

I'm tired and my head has a whole lot of words about behaviour management models, eclectic, single model, references and analysis all tumbling around, vying for attention and each one fighting to be put into some sort of order for my assignment but my brain won't cooperate and the words just keep rumbling around. I am eating crumpets with honey and drinking mocha out of the mug that has a Lewis Carroll quote from "Alice in Wonderland" printed on it:

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

I think I have done almost everything else that could be done apart from my assignment and admittedly, I have worked on my assignment too. Poor Sharyn asked when I called her today, if I was going to be doing any more behaviour management subjects because it's not her favourite topic so I reassured her that it's the only one. She knows me well and understands that I need someone to use as a sounding-board so that I can process my thinking but it does help that she knows about working in schools, classroom management and the education side of things. She is also very good at listening to what needs to be done and working through with me, what I think the topic is about.

When I met with the lecturer the other day, even though it was for a different subject, he gave me some good advice about my assignments and said I needed to make sure I think analytically rather than descriptively. The example he gave was if he asked me to tell him about my loungeroom, I would likely describe to him the furniture, colours, shapes etc but if I was to tell him about it from an analytical perspective, I would say "why" I had certain pieces of furniture in there and what 'atmosphere' I was trying to create. So, my challenge is to analyse the topic and write academically.

Apart from tossing concepts, words and analyses around, my head is also dealing with such thoughts as, "You can't do this - it's too hard." "What were you thinking when you started this course?" "You are out of your depth." except I know those messages aren't true. I know that I have time to do this assignment and I want to do it and do it well, which may be part of the problem. I am scared of not doing well so I procrastinate in order not to fail. I know it's a Catch 22 scenario. I thought if I blogged for a bit, that might help to clear my head and I might go for a walk to the letterbox and play with Milly for a few moments, later. There are some clouds in the sky and it's not a particularly warm day but since it's not raining, there's no excuse for not going out to play. (Apart from needing to write 2,000 words.)

It was good to meet with the lecturer the other day. Apart from talking about my studies, he also wanted to get to know me and wanted to hear my story. At times it was hard to tell if he was putting on the 'counsellor' hat and trying to model the good listening skills that I need to have done for my recording which I need to analyse but he seemed quite impressed by my progress in life. He said that I was pro-active about living and that I had taken risks that others in my position wouldn't. He said I look very healthy indicating I take good care of myself and he talked about different stages of grief, loss and change which was reassuring and encouraging. In our discussion, I acknowledged that I am at a place where I enjoy what I am doing, it is meeting my needs and I am content, feeling quite settled in this place. I shared with him the analogy of the bathtub and he referred to it later on adding a bit more to that analogy.

It was interesting when he brought up one line of thought and said how last year, I would have viewed myself as the 'grieving widow' but now I would be trying to figure out who I am now in terms of whether I am single and ready for relationships or not. I added that I don't know whether I am Mrs, Miss or Ms anymore. When I fill out forms, sometimes I check the Mrs box, sometimes the Ms and sometimes I just leave it blank and let others fill it in. I am Mrs Flowers because I was married to Dave but now I am no longer married to him, not by choice but because he passed away. When I got home that afternoon, I called the principal and he greeted me with "Hello Mrs Flowers" and before I said anything, he quickly added, "Is it Mrs or Ms?" I told him that I don't know and that is the question I've been asking.

Well I have updated my vehicle registration and my driver's licence so now when I drive around town, nobody will know that I am from interstate. It feels good to have all that updated - one more step completed in the mountains of paperwork required when moving interstate... Hey, I moved internationally successfully so interstate is somewhat more simple. It was nice to have all the paperwork required when I went to the Department of Transport without any glitches except for the hyphen in my name. The computer didn't like the fact that I no longer have a hyphen in my name. Who would have thought a hyphen could make such a difference?! I love the new number plate letters on my car. The word it makes means "Path, way, route". Very fitting and with having "The Edge" series of a Rav4, it all works well together.

Well the afternoon is slipping away and Milly is sleeping at the back door so I need to get on with my assignment. Thanks for reading and for caring.

Relax and Reflect, then Go Forward

As I arrived at work mid morning, my first words to someone after saying hello were, "I did two hours of study!" She looked back at me and I could tell by the expression on her face, the significance was lost on her. Maybe it is for you, too. I was so excited that I had fit in two hours of study in before I left for work not long after 10:30am. Just a week or two ago, I would have wasted that time of morning on emails, Facebook, sleeping, dishes, or anything other than study but today I used my time constructively and even got caught up on readings and spent some time on my assignment. It was very satisfying!

The other exciting news is I have a job at the school I have been doing some relief teaching work at! I begin full time there in September and until then, I will continue teaching on a casual basis and continue with my studies. I enjoy working at the school and the staff, principal and students are great! (in no particular order.) The principal is enthusiastic, builds up and empowers his staff and is committed to ensuring the school is the best it can be and that it honours God in the way it is run. It is wonderful to be a part of a school that is growing and has an atmosphere of love, nurture and learning, where all individuals who are a part of that community are valued.

So it sounds like everything is going well and falling into place for me and I am content. On the other hand, I still feel like I am waiting for something to not work out. Recently I described my life as a rollercoaster. That is, it has the uphill ride, the thrill of zooming down and lots of bends that make it unpredictable. It can be exciting, scary, calm and daunting all at once. Today as I was driving home I thought of another analogy that might be a little more accurate. At the end of a long day, there is nothing like soaking in a hot bubble bath and enjoying the luxuriousness of it all. One can feel relaxed, have time to reflect on the day that has taken all of your energy to get through and then can even start making plans and dreams for the next day. However, after a time of relaxing, the water gets cold, the bubbles dissolve and your skin becomes all wrinkly. Ready or not, you have to get out of that bath and keep going.

I've had the long days of being worn out by pain, hurt and grief. I have felt as though those days would never end. Sometimes I still struggle with all that I have to do. I have a mental list called, "I know I can" filled with completed sentences of what I can do, many of which are mentioned throughout these blog posts. Some of those things I feel very privileged to have learned, some of those things I do because I have to do them and I know there will be more things added to that list as time goes on. I don't always want to add to that list. There are moments that all I want to do is curl up in bed and stay there but in my heart, I know that I want to live and enjoy life to its fullest so I take a step forward and expect the positive attitude laced with hope, to step forward with me.

So much has happened in the last few months and things have fallen into place and I know that it is due to the Lord orchestrating it perfectly for me. Having a job, study, a home, a dog, friends... having everything I need is all because He caused it to happen this way, out of His great love for me. I can relax in His love and soak in the knowledge that He is unfolding a plan for my life that is beyond what I ever expected.

It seems this blog post is full of clichés but as I used to say to Dave, clichés are truths that have been proven over time. I am hoping this stage of my life will last for a while longer. It would be nice to feel settled and be able to live a little without any more bumps, bends and curves for awhile but ... Like Mom Flowers says to me, it comes down to trusting God no matter what happens.

I am thankful for the people God has put in my life.
I am thankful for the learning I have received in my studies.
I am thankful for my new job.
I am thankful that I have everything I need.
I am thankful for the life I had for Dave and all that I learned and grew to be, as his wife.

As I hear the wind and rain outside, I know that it is cold but I am safe and warm inside. It's nearly time for sleep and tomorrow I get to meet one of my lecturers which I am looking forward to and get to do some paperwork to further establish myself as part of this new community, including changing my driver's licence and car registration.

Good night.